by F N Manning
I was surprised at how easily Cal was able to kiss me in public. I normally didn’t like surprises, but this may have been the best one ever. He sent me a shy little smile and led me inside.
Yeah, I needed luck alright. And not just because April was competing today. I got the feeling I needed a whole hell of a lot of luck to make it through this thing with Cal with my heart intact. Oh, fuck. We were dating. Sure, we hadn’t been dating very long, but it was normal to have thoughts like that, right? It was okay and I wasn’t a stupid idiot for being attached. You were supposed to be attached when dating. It’s going to freaking be okay. That’s what I kept telling myself.
Except it wasn’t okay. April lost.
***
Theoretically, April’s region was supposed to be easier since it didn’t include all the rich ass schools in West Windsor. Yet all I could think of now was that April was out while Brendan was still in. I lost track of Cal and his brother after it ended. I stood off to the side with my family while the winner happily posed for pictures.
April hugged me tight after the competition and wouldn’t let go of mom’s hand but put on a brave face otherwise.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” I asked for the third time.
“Honey, you and April have been going nonstop,” Mom said. “Take a break.”
“I can take a break with you guys,” I insisted. I tried not the begrudge the beaming 14-year-old who was the center of attention at the moment. She’d been doing this for years and it was her last shot. God, I knew that was the mostly likely scenario. April still had next year. Nothing I could think of lessened the lousy feeling.
“As much as we could use a big strong guy like you to carry our shopping bags, we can handle it.” April brightened considerably at that. “We’re not really going to get that much April.”
She pouted. “But I’m sad.” I smiled faintly. I doubted she was as alright as she was pretending to be, but she had enough of her wits about her to take and appreciate the opportunity to go shopping for frivolous purchases when it appeared.
Mom smiled. “Yeah, I think you’ll be fine.” They waved me goodbye and left while debating how much one needed to buy for retail therapy to be effective.
She would be fine. I still wanted to break things, yell at everyone, and find some way to make the lingering sadness go away.
I should trust Cal. We weren’t’ perfect together, but I liked him a crazy amount and he hadn’t given me reason to distrust him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be fucking vulnerable or some shit like that in front of him. Rationally, I knew he wanted to be there for me. He wouldn’t use it against me. I didn’t feel rational. I felt uneven. There were already enough differences between us and this was one more: he still had hope for his brother and I didn’t for April.
I don’t fucking know. I wanted to kick myself for the way I was behaving. I should just let my boyfriend comfort me but knowing that, wanting that, didn’t mean I could accept it. Stop being a dumbass I kept telling myself. Mom’s sage advice. I loved her, but maybe that was shitty advice sometimes. Just saying that didn’t mean it was that easy to not do the dumbass thing.
Maybe being a dumbass was just in my genes. I was a chip off the old block. Dad was good at running away and so was I.
I ditched Cal after the competition and ignored his texts while I hung out with the guys instead. We were crowded around the kitchen table in Joey’s apartment. Joey hosted poker night while his parents were out for the night. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. There was even decent beer stocked in the fridge and parents who pretended not to notice when it was gone. Except the guys actually wanted to talk about the one thing I didn’t.
“Did you break up with that guy?” Joey asked before frowning dramatically at his cards.
“The one I’m not seeing,” I grabbed my cards and tried not to glare down at them or anyone else. My default poker face felt a little harder to achieve at the moment, which was a shame considering I was actually playing poker.
“Yep, that’s the one.” He grinned. And why did I protest that I wasn’t dating Cal even though I was? We had just started dating. I couldn’t tell them yet. That would make it too serious. And that would make it devastating if we broke up.
“No one picks poker night over getting some action,” Ed agreed, putting his money in without giving anything away.
Joey sighed loudly, then upped the ante in the pot. Joey didn’t have a poker face or a subtle bone in his body. However, he always overacted, so it was hard to tell if he actually had anything or not. Either way, being the dumb one had its perks.
“Maybe I need the extra cash.” I called and put my chips in. As one would assume, talking about Cal made it difficult to ignore thoughts about him. My cards seemed like they were mocking me: annoying red hearts mixed with red diamonds. They’re fucking standard playing cards. They didn’t correlate to Cal in any way even if he was rich (diamonds) and I had feelings for him (hearts). Being the smart one was annoying sometimes. Not everything was a novel with overarching literary themes; sometimes cards were just freaking cards.
“Fine, don’t tell us.” He raised his hands in the air in surrender, cards still clutched in one hand. “You could bring him you know,” Joey added. Ed leaned toward him and tilted his head while Joey shoved him away with the hand his cards were in, which showed the rest of the table pocket rockets. We didn’t know what else he had, but everyone except Ed and I groaned and folded.
“So we could take his money?” I asked.
“Yeah, and he might be having a tough time. His friends probably aren’t as cool as yours,” Joey said. Okay, there was something worse than telling them I was dating Cal. Actually bringing Cal around and having him hang out with my friends. Not just because he’d completely embarrass me. God, how did everyone else do it? Bring people into their lives, let them invade every space, making it tangled and messy and complicated when it ended. How did I stop assuming it would end badly?
“Yeah, you’re paragons of compassion and understanding.” I had two high diamonds and two high hearts along with an ace of spades. Joey had two aces, but I could go for a straight flush or royal flush. I just had to decide which suit to go for.
“Paragons? See, perfect example. We like you regardless of the gay shit and the nerd shit.” Joey took one new card.
Suddenly my love life became a fascinating topic for discussion. I didn’t care if Joey swore they all knew I was smart. If anyone started sharing where they were applying for college, I was leaving. “Cal totally freaked out on me,” I offered. I exchanged my diamonds and ace for three new cards. No way I would actually share I was the one being weird.
“Gay panic?” Ed asked. He took two cards but threw his hand down and folded when Joey raised.
“No… about something else.” I frowned down at my new cards, so much for that poker face. Not only did I not make my straight, my new cards were diamonds. I shouldn’t have picked hearts. Do not read into that I told myself firmly. No, I could salvage this. I had two pair, 10s and queens, and there was like a 20 percent chance Joey accidentally gave away one of his aces. I raised and Joey considered the new bet.
“You proposed?” Ed laughed. “You gotta wait a little longer man.”
“No, lock it down,” Joey argued. “He’s rich and you’ve never been with the same guy more than once before. That’s true love.” He pouted at me like he didn’t get what he wanted even though he raised while I considered going in or not. I had no idea how accurate what he was telegraphing was.
I had one ace before, so Joey couldn’t have four of a kind, but three of a kind would still beat me. I considered Joey again and he blew me a kiss. I glared at him, which caused him to smirk. “What’s going on in here?” He tapped his head. Unfortunately, his cards were face down on the table that time. “No one knows.”
“Whatever,” I huffed. I called, matching Joey’s bet.
“Well, you can talk to us or whatever,” Jo
ey tried. He meant it to be supportive, but the effect was lost as he whooped and showed me his hand a second later. Fuck. He hadn’t gotten another ace, but his two aces combined with three fives gave him a full house.
What an idiot I was, going for it, picking hearts instead of diamonds. “I’d rather play cards and drink.” When things get tough, I check out. It was a hard habit to break.
“Yeah, that’s what he meant,” Ed said. You can play cards and drink with us.” That ended all talk of feelings or my boyfriend at least. Thank god. Not that my mood or the cash in my wallet improved as the night progressed.
ba-ˈle-tə-ˌmān, noun
Ballet enthusiast
Being a ba-ˈle-tə-ˌmān wasn’t high on Cal’s list of priorities.
Chapter 12
B-A-L-L-E-T-O-M-A-N-E
Cal and I hadn’t seen much of each other. And we didn’t need to now that April was done for the year. Except for that whole dating thing. Shit. How much time passed before you were out of a relationship if you didn’t speak to each other? I didn’t want to break up but that didn’t mean I wanted to see him yet. Dammit, it’s not like I could avoid him until Brendan’s bee. And what if he won, was I going to keep staying away?
I eventually texted him back. Not with many words or anything of substance. Shit. I was making things worse the longer I didn’t reach out. It had been a week. That was enough time for me to get over myself and get back in contact. I was just having trouble with that last part.
Should I be upset everyone else assumed the worst of me or grateful they knew me so well? The kids and Cal didn’t wait for me to stop being an idiot. They took action instead. “Just come in for a second while I pack up my stuff,” April said, standing in the doorway of Cal’s freaking mansion with an innocent smile. She was helping Brendan prepare for his bee.
I stayed put. “I know this is a trap.” She hadn’t said anything when I dropped her off but now she wanted me to come in. Brendan peeked at me from around a corner behind her.
“Sure,” she admitted, not trying to look innocent and adorable for once when she wanted me to give in. Huh, was I going to win? She smiled smugly. “But do we really need to pretend that I won’t get my way?”
I guess not. I sighed and grudgingly followed her to the kitchen where Cal sat on a stool at the island, looking tense. His expression turned hopeful for a moment when he saw me but whatever was on my face probably wasn’t very welcoming, so he sighed instead.
Like everything else in the Winthrop-Scott home, the kitchen was bigger and fancier than necessary. The polished, sleek appliances and dark granite surfaces stretched deep into the room. There was a little nook with a table, and the angle and kitchen island blocked most of the view of the kitchen’s inner workings. There were large windows and light colors on the wall; it was almost cozy compared to the elaborate, ornate décor in the rest of the house. The area was likely called something dumb like the brunch nook. I vaguely remember some ridiculous and much more grandiose dining room nearby.
“I have an idea,” Brendan said, acting like he’d just thought of something great instead of premeditating. His acting skills were as good as Cal’s. “We should have some fun before my competition.”
“By having me and Cal beat each other senseless?” I questioned. April rolled her eyes.
“We’re in a spelling club,” Brendan said. “Not Fight Club.”
“I really hope you haven’t seen that movie,” Cal told him.
Brendan stared up at the ceiling and said nothing to his brother. April spoke, “No, we’re going to have a spelling bee between you two.”
I sent Cal an incredulous look. “You really think that’s a good idea?” We stopped talking to each other because of our spelling bee fight, so how was making us compete against each other a smart plan?
“I couldn’t think of anything better,” Cal shrugged. “Why don’t you guys go set up in the living room?” he told the kids. He stepped closer to me and made a move to reach out but then aborted the motion. “Do you really want to beat me senseless?”
No. I wanted to beat myself senseless. I shrugged. He did reach out and pressed our foreheads together when I didn’t pull away. “You’ve had a week,” he said quietly. “Time to get over it now.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” I snapped, stalking into the living room.
“We’ll start off easy,” Brendan said. “In case you old timers are rusty.” Words like chlorophyll, pterodactyl, and psoriasis followed. I didn’t make a snarky comment regarding Brendan’s definition of easy, so that was progress, right?
Still, the bee started off tense and uncomfortable thanks to me. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I couldn’t just give in. Not just pride prevented that but fear of showing more of my underbelly or the line of my throat, giving him full access and making myself easy prey. I wasn’t prey: I’m the predator.
I was in the wrong. I knew I was in the wrong. Everyone knew I was in the wrong. Including Brendan, even if he didn’t know the exact nature of my relationship with his brother. I needed to stop being such a defensive asshole, we all knew it, and it felt like the only thing I couldn’t do was stop being a defensive asshole.
They kids took turns giving us words. April closed her eyes while giving Cal a sentence! “Abracadabra, alakazam, alcazar! My magic spell made Max nicer and turned all his leather jackets bright pink!” She clapped her hands and opened her eyes and frowned when she saw my leather jacket was the same color it was before. “Worth a shot,” she said.
“April, that had nothing to do with the definition you gave me,” Cal protested.
“Okay, I have no idea why a Spanish fortress is important for spell casting, but it totally is,” she sassed at Cal. “If you aren’t going to show the moderator the proper respect, we can declare Max the winner right now.”
“Come on, April—”
“Excuse me?” she interrupted.
Cal raised his hands in the air. “Fine, Ms. Keller.” He dutifully spelled the word and smiled as the kids conferred to pick the next one. Despite their mini-squabble, the rest of them were all having a grand time. I wanted to join in, tell April she was thinking of Alacazam, a wizard in some cartoon she watched, but I didn’t correct her.
“Olivine isn’t actually that hard to spell,” Brendan told me, jumping into a sentence even though I didn’t ask for one. “But I thought we might all appreciate a reference to Cal’s dorky rock collection.”
“Olivine is a mineral, Brendan,” Cal protested.
“We already know you’re a dork; you didn’t need to prove it,” Brendan retorted. Cal didn’t seem that offended by the comment, April giggled, and here was the perfect chance to get into the spirit.
Just be nice. No, I didn’t even have to do that. Just tease Cal lightheartedly. This was the perfect opening. Come on, the stupid tough guy act can only work so long before he gives up and decides you’re not worth it. And wow, did that thought do the opposite of help. I snarled the letters.
Cal’s admittedly impressive reserve of patience began to wane. “Is it too much to ask to keep this a friendly competition?”
I raised an eyebrow. “To stay friendly, there’d have to be something friendly between us in the first place.” Technically, that was true. We’d been friends as kids and we’d had moments where we got along, but there wasn’t anything platonic about us now, so I wasn’t being as big of an asshole I could be by saying that. That was my weak defense.
Cal sighed. “We’ve had our warm up. Let’s not drag this out.” He wasn’t even going to put up a fight? That would make me seem like less of an asshole if he rose to the bait and got mad back. God this boyfriend thing was a two-way street; couldn’t he at least be supportive and yell at me a little so I didn’t feel like such a jerk?
April glared at me while I stared down at my shoes. Brendan gave Cal the word ‘rijksdaalder,’ and April kicked me when Cal got it right. That was pretty insane, so I somehow managed to force out a, “Nice
job.”
They gave me ‘egueiite’ next and Cal looked so pleased when I got it right. Things became easier. The mood became more fun and lively. There were worse things to do than spend the night with April and Cal. It was kinda impressive watching Cal confidently nail words I’m pretty sure the kids found when googling the hardest freaking words in the English language. I wasn’t even sure some of their selections were English anyway, but I didn’t complain because I got caught up in watching Cal spell. I was mildly ashamed at myself for finding him so attractive just because he spelled tricky words, but maybe it made sense as we were very different back in our bee days. We each took absurd amounts of time and were so shy and reserved.
Now, Cal looked at the kids and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Then with a wry shake of his head, he stared at me and gave ‘mlechchha’ a shot like it was effortless. The confidence was hot as hell, more so when he got it right. He must have felt similarly because he looked proud after I somehow got ‘cywydd’ right.
“Something tells me you haven’t cracked a dictionary open in years,” Cal commented.
“I’ve had better thing to do,” I said evenly but leered a little so Cal would pick up my meaning.
“Yet you’re still so adept. It’s impressive,” he said in a quiet but sincere voice.
I had to fight a blush for once. I didn’t get defensive or uncomfortable at him trying to tell me I was still smart. I clenched my hands together in my lap and bit my lip for a moment to avoid the knee jerk denial. Things had just started to thaw; I was going to try not to mess up anymore. At least not so soon. Instead I just nodded and accepted the compliment even if it felt funny. I thought of something. “Wait, do you still read the dictionary?”
Ah, that made him fidget. It was good to be back on more familiar ground. “What? No, not anymore. Maybe I did a little right after my bee days.” Cal was so cute when he rambled. “It was a hard habit to break. Language is so interesting. Everyone shut up! Just do the next word.” April and Brendan giggled but gave me the next word, ‘balletomane.’ A ballet enthusiast.