by F N Manning
I didn’t think as I put my arms around him and let him take me away. I didn’t know how long I’d have him this time with him, but I wanted to hang on for dear life and enjoy the ride. Not just because we cruised down streets too fast. The rumble of the engine was loud in my ears and streets I knew well became a blur as we raced down the road.
Driving in a car was different. Obviously, but. There was distance. Between the driver and the engine, between the passengers, between the interior and the outside road. There were no barriers on the bike. It was all the right there: our bodies, the thrum of the machine, the wind and the world. It was possible to disconnect when in a car, but it was impossible now to do anything other than experience the moment.
What an apt metaphor for my life. My parents were so stoic and aloof; they looked at the world with polite indifference and were above it all: the old money way. I was so unlike them, but I always told myself I’d grow into it. When I started to panic about an upcoming test or my busy schedule, sometimes I’d look forward to being more like them. I’d never considered that maybe I didn’t want to be like them or that there were flaws with the way they did things. Seeing the world at a distance meant you only saw it but didn’t experience it.
There was some surprise when we ended up at Max’s apartment, but he told me his mom was working and he took April to spend the night at a friend’s house. Being on the bike was, well, an experience. There were parts I liked like clinging to Max’s shoulders and parts that were less appealing. I could hardly believe I had done that, let him whip us down the streets.
My legs quivered just a bit when I removed myself from the bike, but I stood up on my own, not taking Max’s offered hand. After I’d righted myself and took a few deep breaths to steady myself, then I took Max’s hand. Not because I needed to but because I wanted to.
“Come on, wasn’t that at least a little fun?” Max asked, grinning at me. He looked windswept and flush with excitement after the ride, which was another check in the positives column.
“Fun?” I laughed. “Try scary, dangerous, and reckless.” It wasn’t a lie. It was terrifying. Through the fear, though, there was exhilaration, adrenaline, and then just peace. Plus, acceptance. Acceptance that I was holding onto a beautiful guy on a fast bike, driving down the road just to escape and push all other thoughts out.
“Like I said,” he retorted. “Fun.”
I took off the helmet and handed it to Max. He set it on the bike and watched with a little grin as I self-consciously smoothed out my hair. “You weren’t even wearing a helmet,” I scolded.
“I was being all gentlemanly by giving it to you.” I followed him up to his apartment. When we got into his residence and he turned on the lights, he gestured to the space around us. “If you can find the spare one, you can have it instead.” April’s little pink helmet rested nearby the door, and while Brendan might protest about it being a girl’s color, I had no such reservations. None based on color anyway, but her helmet appeared too small for either of us.
I glanced around the space before me. I would have a nervous breakdown if I kept my room this untidy and yet what would drive me crazy worked for Max. I couldn’t imagine him setting everything down in its proper place and ironing fastidiously. Was that why opposites attracted? Because he made something so foreign to me seem natural instead of insane? He showed me a different world. Still, a few quick changes could make this place much more functional. I didn’t mention that though. Instead I said, “There has to be a better way to spend our time.”
He grinned. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
We went to his room. It felt intimate even though we didn’t do anything at first. We laid on his bed together sharing a few soft kisses, not talking, mostly just soaking up each other. I never had an escape before. A place to go when the pressures of home felt like too much. Now I had Max.
How could one person hold so many seemingly conflicting intricacies with ease? Max’s touch could send my blood boiling, get my heart racing, and send excitement and lust zinging up and down my spine. But now his touch could also be calming. It eased my frayed nerves and stressed mind; it made me feel safe. There were worlds inside Max and I wanted to discover each one.
It progressed slowly, the opposite of being on his bike and shooting down the road. Wandering hands became more focused. Soft sighs turned into pleased moans. Lingering touches gained more intent. The physical pleasure I felt at tasting and touching him was only eclipsed by the feelings the actions stirred in my heart. It was the kind of thing trite romance novels would call making love.
Afterwards, we were tangled in each other. I didn’t refer to it as cuddling even in my head because I thought he would somehow know and it would stop. Max had me wrapped up in his arms, my back to his chest. I both wanted to stay here forever and needed to be careful not to drift to sleep. There was being a rebellious teen and then there was having a death wish. Staying out all night without a word home was definitely the latter.
A quote probably used by hipsters and college students when trying to sound deep popped into my head. Something about man being the most fascinating animal. Maybe I am no better than an animal marking its territory as I caught myself playing with the band around Max’s wrist. If it was from some other lover, I’ve touched it thoroughly now. Corrupted it.
“When are you going to tell me about this?” I whispered to him.
Max didn’t move his arm away. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Which explains why you’re being so shifty about it.” I pressed a kiss to his wrist to dampen the words.
He sighed. “There’s no story, really. It’s a gift from April.”
“Oh, that it explains it.” He made a questioning noise. I answered with, “I get why you didn’t tell me about it.”
He tugged his hand away and I turned over. There wasn’t much room on us his bed, which would be my excuse if he tried to pull away. Our chests touched and I put my arms around his waist. He didn’t go anywhere but asked, “What are you talking about? You know I’m crazy about April. Everyone knows that.”
“Yes,” I smiled, “but knowing it and seeing the proof on your arm are two different things. The proof you never take off, ever—"
“Okay, okay,” he groaned. He did move to pull away, but I held him fast while grinning dopily. He huffed but didn’t go anywhere after a moment, fighting his own smile.
“Such a giant softie,” I teased, pecking him on the lips.
“No,” he argued.
I kissed him again to quell his protests. It worked until I said, “Your secret is safe with me Mr. Marshmallow.”
“Shut up,” he said but had a smile on his face when he chucked a pillow at me.
We were slow to get up and get dressed. The calm and happiness I felt didn’t lessen even when we finally did get ready and left the apartment. I thought nothing could ruin this night. Not when I had to go back home. Not enduring/enjoying another ride on the motorcycle. Not even when Max had to stop, and we had a small squabble about who would pay for gas. Nothing put a damper on the night. Until the police car. That did it.
fü-ˈdrȯi-ənt or fü-drwȧ-yäⁿ, adjective
Stunning and overwhelming
Revelations threaten to change everything.
Chapter 14
F-O-U-D-R-O-Y-A-N-T
Father didn’t stare at me with disgust or anger or even the calm, neutral expression he usually wore. His eyes were colder; he looked at me like he didn’t even know me. Being brought home by the police, the chance that neighbors saw it, and everything that had happened earlier at Brendan’s bee, all of that was bad. Yet he didn’t even bring it up.
“How long has this… dalliance been going on?” Father questioned. He’d look at me for one second then look away like he couldn’t stand it. I’d been putting off being in the house because I shielded Brendan from their disapproval and snapped at him. How I wished for the consequences of those things that felt like they happened a lifetime a
go.
I was dreaming. That was the only explanation I could come up with. Not that Max and I had been cruising down the road and were pulled over because he wasn’t wearing a helmet. As he hadn’t had two helmets, he couldn’t be the one to drive me back home. The police had to do that. It wasn’t just a dream; it was a nightmare.
Being brought home by the police was obviously not the way I intended to come out. I’d reached the acceptance stage personally, but I wasn’t there yet in terms of my parents knowing. That still seemed impossible. What else could I do but try to deny it? “There’s nothing going on.” Two friends couldn’t share a motorcycle ride together? He only got the story from the authorities, so it’s not like he saw us on the bike wrapped up in each other.
There was silence. He didn’t give anything away, but I felt like that was the wrong answer. “Really?” he questioned eventually. “Nicholas Stewart and I are both misguided?”
My stomach fell to the floor. I was ready to wake up. I had thought nothing could be worse than this, than them finding out this way. I was wrong. He’d known and hadn’t said anything. I couldn’t speak through my horror. This wasn’t a nightmare. Was it a coma? Maybe we’d crashed and I’d gone to hell. All of it, any of it, I could handle. But not this.
“I wanted to fire Nicholas immediately,” Father mused, almost speaking to himself. Why hadn’t he said anything? Because he was inconvenienced, ashamed? “Good thing I thought better of it. Staying on good terms with me and having me as a reference keeps him in line and works better for all of us.” He shook his head. “Even if I didn’t like the idea of the lying little weasel getting anything from me at first. Because I assumed he was lying. There was no way.”
“Dad—" I had no idea what I was going to say.
“He had as much to learn from me as you. Trying a juvenile power play like that? Just as pathetic as your blackmail attempt. Especially as the Dean at Yale was in the Stewart’s wedding party.” He shook his head. “Except what he told me was true.”
There was no surprise from my father, just a grim determination. It looked like his worst fears being realized. That made two of us.
“See this is why I pushed you.” He spoke over me. “Cal, you have no spine.”
That’s because of you I wanted to argue but didn’t. I still had that world dropped away feeling.
“You get heartbroken and now you’re what? Gay? Ridiculous,” his tirade continued. “People will talk.”
“That’s what you care about?” Screw what other people thought. I wanted to know what he thought. Logically, I knew it couldn’t be good but maybe I was a machoistic. I just needed to hear it. Or I was a hopeless optimist, thinking it might all turn out alright until he said otherwise.
“Oh, you want to know whether I approve?” His voice carried amused disdain. “Do I approve of your choice in men? No. Do I approve of the stunt you pulled tonight? Hell no.” He shook his head. “This is what will happen next,” he started.
“This doesn’t sound like a negotiation,” I tried.
“You lost your chance to negotiate when the police arrived at our doorstep. The time for discussion or negotiation is over.” He stated it all as facts, certainty, that’s what made the next words worse. “What little respect I had for you is gone. This boy will be gone soon enough. If you want to salvage your future, this is what will happen: break things off with that boy, go to Princeton, get your life together.” His straightened his suit. “Or you won’t have Princeton or anywhere else to go to.”
I could barely process that my father knew, that my world had thoroughly collided. The shock of that first revelation at least made sense. I understood that. I knew why he hadn’t said anything. Because it was his final bargaining chip. The hollow feeling in my chest worsened, which was stupid. Why should I have expected anything different? He was still trying to call the shots.
But me not go to college? No, that part didn’t compute. That was the most ludicrous part of all. “You wouldn’t, you wouldn’t really—"
“Testing me at this juncture isn’t wise.” I always thought my father treated his child rearing duties too much like a business: he expected results, didn’t get overly familiar, and only focused on the big picture. I was wrong.
Our familial bonds had actually softened him somewhat because I was well versed in his disapproval, but I didn’t recognize the man in front of me now. He’d actually been treating me like a son before, not a disappointing employee and now, well. I didn’t know who I was to him, but I wasn’t either one of those things. It was like I was nothing.
His eyes cut through me as he delivered the final blow. “You said there was nothing else to take away from you. Are you sure about that?”
***
Mother had taken me to school on Monday. I’d lost my driving privileges on Sunday. Was it a punishment for being taken home in a police car or a way for them to know where I was at all times? Maybe both. I was positive she knew about Max and me too, that father had filled her in on whatever she hadn’t picked up on when the police dropped me off. All she’d said about it was a quick word that we wouldn’t discuss this in front of Brendan and then she’d gone to my school first even though his was closer.
It didn’t bode well, but it was a small positive I still had my phone, wasn’t it? Despite the low likelihood of me needing to reach them while at school, despite me not being able to go anywhere else, they hadn’t taken my phone, at least not yet, at her insistence. She wanted it with me just in case. I clung onto the small reminder that whatever she thought of me now, she was still my mother.
I felt absolutely awful for taking advantage of her small kindness but not bad enough that I could stop myself from texting Max and having him come to my school. I’d been so proud of myself, standing up to my father, thinking I was a man. I was a child throwing a temper tantrum. My father had all the leverage, the power, why had I thought testing him was a good idea? Just because I was tired, because I needed a break. I was so foolish.
I didn’t need her presence dropping me off to remind me I’d be watched now or that I was on thin ice. I took skating lessons as a child but that didn’t mean I knew how to navigate the icy depths below. I should go to class. Now wasn’t the time to act up, but it felt like I couldn’t breathe right, and I could barely focus. I had to see Max before I had hope of doing anything more strenuous than tying my shoes. I glanced down. Huh. I hadn’t even tied them. What a mess.
Max had been to Brendan’s school numerous times for the spelling club, so he shouldn’t look too out of my place at my high school but he did. He stood out. It couldn’t just be me thinking that. Heads had turned at the rumble of the engine. I felt eyes on us now. We lived so close to each other for being from such different worlds. The distance seemed apparent now. I wanted to throw myself into his arms. I stood where I was.
“Went that bad, huh?” he asked lightly, offering me a weak smile.
I nodded. We didn’t say anything else until all the onlookers had disappeared inside for class. I wasn’t in any hurry to join them.
“I would complain about the damn ticket I got,” he said after several moments of silence. “But I think we have bigger problems.” Max looked unsure.
I felt- I had no words to describe how I felt. How could that be? I knew so many words. Despite this being a tense, uncomfortable moment, I didn’t want it to end. All I could think of was seeing him and figuring things out a moment ago. Now that he was here, I wanted us to stay frozen like this. If time stopped now and didn’t move forward, then this thing between us wouldn’t end. What other outcome could there be?
Max obviously had the same idea. “So. Is that it?” I couldn’t read his expression.
“Why would that be it?” God, was it really so easy for him? I’d tossed and turned all night, wrestled with what to do, and worry ate me up even now. I couldn’t think of another answer, but I really didn’t want this to be it. “You think my parents gave me some stupid ultimatum like us or my st
udies?”
He looked surprised. “I figured they just yelled at you and you caved,” I felt almost insulted at that. He must have seen something on my face. “Clearly you deserve more credit than I thought,” he corrected. Damn right. I wouldn’t have caved so easily. I hoped. Sure, standing up to them was new to me but I had managed it. This, though, this was college. My future. “But now I’m definitely thinking it was the thing you just said.”
“This was serious enough to warrant more than a lecture.” At most, I’d thought they would remind me that they were the ones paying for school when they tried to talk me into Princeton. I never thought they’d threaten college altogether. Such drastic measures. Was a gay son really worth such a reaction?
Max just nodded at my words. He was a lot of things but rarely was he resigned. “You’re just ready to call things off, just like that?” I asked. Here my world was crashing down and it was just a normal day for him?
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It’s pretty clear your parents don’t want us together.”
“Oh, and you want to do what my dad says?” I asked with disbelief.
Max sent me a withering look and I smiled despite this serious conversation. “No, that’s not what I’m saying.” He ran hand through his hand as he grimaced. Finally, some emotion on his part. “We just spent so much time figuring out what we wanted from each other. We didn’t think about everything else.” Quietly, he continued, “I understand if it’s too much.” He cracked a strain smile. “Dating me would be difficult enough anyway.”
Oh. Oh! Idiot. Was this him trying to let me down gently because he was afraid he was about to be let down gently?
“Don’t do that,” I said automatically. “I like you.” Well, it hadn’t been what I meant to say at this meeting, but it was the truth. “And it’s not as if I’m the easiest person to date either.”