What Love Means

by F N Manning

  “Pretty sure you can mail that,” I replied neutrally.

  “Fax, actually,” he supplied. I stared at him blankly. He snorted. “You think I know how to send a fucking fax?”

  I laughed and only hated myself a little for it. “Didn’t you used to have a fancy job?”

  He waved a hand. “Other people filled out the paperwork.” He regarded me seriously. “I do have another job now. Different than what I did before.” His shook his head. “It’s kind of awful actually, but I’m putting my life back together.”

  “Are we having a heart to heart?” The words were only a little sarcastic. Good. I could handle not being outright hostile. Maybe. But anything else would be too much.

  “It’s called having a conversation, smartass,” he snarked, but there was almost a smile on his face.

  “Wow, you sound just like mom,” I marveled.

  He accepted that easily. “Well, we had to have something in common once.” He coughed and looked down before continuing. “So, uh, about your mom. She isn’t dating your boss, is she?”

  “Oh god, I have no idea.” He opened his mouth to say something. “Did I say I didn’t know? I also meant I don’t want to know.” They were both single and straight; is that how it worked with old people?

  “She texts him a lot,” he commented.

  I didn’t ask how he knew that. “Nope, that falls under the category of knowing something. I want to be in the dark.” I was almost positive that most of their conversations were about me and that April used mom’s phone to text Tony too. If they were dating… nope. I would suck it up and be supportive if it became a reality. I wasn’t touching it before that. It wasn’t my business. Or his. “And you have no right—"

  He cut in. “That wasn’t why I was asking.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “Alright, maybe a bit,” he conceded.

  I groaned. “Oh god, do you want to get back together with mom?"

  “No, no. We’re over.” Whatever his deal with Mom and Tony was, he sounded sincere. “It’s just, you know, with you and college—" he raised his hands before I could speak, “Yeah, another thing I have no right commenting on. Let me freaking finish.” I glared but didn’t say anything. “That would explain it, is all, if he’s like your replacement dad.”

  “Explain what?” I asked because it was easier than touching the ‘replacement dad’ comment. He already knew why I needed a replacement dad in the first place and just how I felt about his meddling, but it hadn’t stopped him. He left whenever I asked but kept showing up. Did that all mean something? Who the fuck knows? I wasn’t sure I wanted to figure it out.

  “Why working for him after high school is set in stone,” he explained simply.

  “It’s a good offer,” I defended, glaring for good measure to convey that I didn’t have to defend myself to him. I was just spelling it out cause he was dumb.

  “You’re right,” he agreed. Okay, maybe he had some smarts.

  Shit, what did I say to that? Thank you? All I’d been hearing were the reasons why I was being a moron and should go to college. I’d appreciate his words coming from anyone else. “I know,” I said warily. “If this is some sort of trap, you aren’t smart enough to spring it on me.

  He laughed. “Yeah, you got your intelligence from your mom. But I know what I know.”

  “And I don’t need to know what you know,” I assured him.

  “I’m gonna tell you anyway,” he said without missing a beat. I groaned but didn’t stop him from continuing. “I talked to Tony a bit when I came in that day. Him expanding, you working on bikes, that sounds solid. And you can obviously trust him. It could give you a good future.” Those were a lot of words. All of them were said casually but were no less earnest.

  “I don’t need your permission.” I didn’t know what else to say. Was this reverse psychology? He gave me his full support and that made me doubt my plan and go to college instead? Actually, that wasn’t a terrible idea.

  “Maybe you needed someone in your corner about it,” he offered. I thought he was going to reach out to me, but he put his hands in his pockets instead.

  “Not you,” I responded instantly.

  “Obviously,” he snorted. “But I’m what you got I guess.”

  I studied him. “That’s all you wanted to say?”

  “No, just, you know,” he fidgeted. “I don’t know much about Tony or if he’s with your mom or not but. He’s a good guy. He’s pushing the college thing, right?” He rocked back and forth on his heels.

  I nodded. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t be screwing him over if I went. He wanted to promote me and I repaid him by leaving if I went to college. Tony’s easy acceptance just made it worse, like he was smiling and asking if I needed anything else while I messed things up for him. Eventually, he’d find someone else though, someone with experience, and then where would we be? Nowhere, probably. He’d just be my former boss.

  “He probably means it.” Dad’s words cut into my thoughts. “It shouldn’t change things, if you go. Don’t feel like you’re disappointing him if you wanna go to school.”

  I frowned. “I thought you said I didn’t need to go?”

  “You probably don’t but that’s not a reason against it.” I scoffed but he held a hand up. “If you’re absolutely sure customizing bikes is what you wanna do, do it. But if you wanna explore your options, even for a year or two, maybe go to college. Tony will still be there.”

  “I know that.” It was my turn to fidget, but I managed not to.

  “Do you? I was thinking-” he paused like he was waiting for a quip about his words, but I let him continue. “You might be afraid about letting him down or something. You haven’t exactly had a permanent male role model or whatever in your life.”

  “Tony’s not like you.” Tony was a big guy, gruff but easy going. I’d seen dad freak out when he couldn’t find his ‘lucky tie’ and tear his bedroom apart. Tony never got angry or lost his cool, even if he was perpetually annoyed at something. He bitched at whoever forgot to refill the coffee pot and was quick to point out of how he had the sorriest bunch of employees anyone ever seen but never hesitated to give advances if one of the guys had a family emergency. Not like dad who took everything seriously sometimes; he’d scream and yell about the little things.

  Dad nodded. “Good, good.”

  “But I guess. I mean. I can’t say for sure,” I admitted. “Sometimes people leave. Even when you expect them to stay.” And in Tony’s case, if I wasn’t working for him, what the hell did he owe me?

  “He won’t,” dad insisted.

  My face scrunched up in annoyance. “You don’t know that.”

  “Well, having gone to college, it’s not like you’ll have to rely on his job offer if he does something shitty.” He grinned like he was daring me to challenge him on that but I didn’t. “If he does bail, then, you know, he’s not worth your time anyway.” He smiled sadly. “You’ve already learned that lesson.”

  Don’t go there. Do not go there. “Why are you still trying then?” I went there.

  “I’m not worth your time anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t want some of it anyway,” he said like it was simple. “I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me.” He shook his head. “Just keep in mind what I was saying, okay? You can trust Tony, and if you can’t, well, what does it matter? You’ve been wrong before.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, “And I don’t want to be again.”

  “No, no. You’ve been wrong before, so you know you’re strong enough to survive it again.” I had honestly never thought of it like that. After a moment, he said, “You might actually get that from me.”

  “How so?”

  “I’m tougher than I look.” He shrugged and looked timid but met my eyes anyway. “Alright, I take responsibility for everything I did, but there’s some stuff. There’s just some stuff I need to tell you. If you’re ready to listen?”

  pō-kō-kyu̇-ˈran-tē or pō-k�
�-ku̇-ˈran-tē, adjective

  Nonchalant

  Most people in this chapter have no chill. No one is pō-kō-kyu̇-ˈran-tē.

  Chapter 15

  P-O-C-O-C-U-R-A-N-T-E

  Cal

  My parents wanted what was best for me. They were intense, but they wanted what was best for me. That’s what I’d told myself. Told others. Who was this best for? I was on lockdown. Left with just my own thoughts for company. My thoughts were very rude because they weren’t good company at all. Hadn’t anyone taught them proper manners?

  The future had never seemed so bleak. I could have everything, but at the discretion of my parents. I wouldn’t be my own person. I could have Max and no future. Surely, it wasn’t so stark. I had leverage according to Katie. What did I want to do with it?

  I paced back and forth in my room, running through pros and cons and making distressed noises. When Max walked into my room, I was horrified but mostly pleased. He was exactly what I needed. He snuck in and shut the door. We stared at each other without speaking until I broke the silence. “You’re aware this is insane, right?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I’m aware.” After he visited me at school, I hadn’t seen him in a week or so. He looked the same in dark jeans and a leather jacket. His strong jaw and dark hair falling onto to his face. He looked the same and so much better after going without him. I needed more pictures of him, to remember what he looked like when he was gone. No, that was bleak.

  “Okay, good then,” I replied. It would waste too much time for me to explain it to him when all I wanted to do was run over and kiss him senseless. I proceeded to do just that, but I didn’t get very far before he stopped me. I didn’t know why as he didn’t say anything, so I filled the silence. “Normally, I would chastise you about the sheer riskiness of this endeavor, but you are just what I need right now.”

  He’d already gotten through the tricky part just getting up here, so there was no danger. After the punishment phase, my parents were pretending like I didn’t exist. The cold shoulder, but they were good at it, so the cold entire body. They won’t bother us. We had time. I wouldn’t have to think.

  “Yeah, Brendan snuck me in. Does he know—"

  “I have no idea,” I cut him off in a chipper tone. “I don’t want to talk about my family right now.” I don’t want to talk or think about anything. I moved to kiss him, and he took a step back.

  I started to follow him but managed to hold still. Something wasn’t right. Why was he hesitant? He threw his jacket on a chair and wore a soft, long-sleeved black t-shirt. Upon closer inspection, there were circles under his eyes and his limbs twitched like he was nervous.

  Just when I didn’t think I could feel more unease, I was wrong. Max was supposed to be my constant and he wasn’t afraid of anything… except maybe feelings. I’d never seem him look unsure or out of place. I didn’t like it. “I don’t exactly want to have a long conversation about feelings either,” he admitted. Well, that was like him. Maybe I was just being crazy.

  I took a cautious step towards him. “We’re in agreement then.” He let me step up to him and he casually put his arms around my waist but didn’t join our mouths.

  Softly, he spoke. “There’s just something I need to tell you.” I didn’t have much time to worry about that before he shook his head and said with derision, “God, you know what’s the perfect distraction from you family drama?” I glanced to the bed and tried to raise an eyebrow at him, but he shook his head again. “My family drama,” he quipped with a humorless laugh.

  I didn’t understand. “What?”

  “I’m sorry.” He broke away and paced for a moment before turning towards me again. “I know this is like the shittiest time but…” he trailed off.

  “What is it?”

  Max took a deep breath. “It’s about my dad.”

  Oh. I felt a twinge of annoyance. I’d figured that out and was wondering when we’d get to it, but he was right. Now didn’t seem like the right time. “I know he doesn’t approve of me.” Max’s hesitance to speak about him around me and the way our last competition went as kids clued me in.

  “No that’s not it,” he tried to reassure me. I stared at him patiently. “Okay, maybe, he thinks you’re a rich snob.” I excepted Max to make a quip about how his dad was right about that. He didn’t.

  Wait… Max wasn’t here to cheer me up. He wanted to have some sort of serious discussion about all the odds stacked against us but could barely get all the words out. Maybe it would be better if I was alone. He wasn’t a very good distraction.

  “He still blames me for beating you, doesn’t he?” I sighed. “But we’ve gotten over that, right? You don’t still blame me?”

  Max frowned. “I never blamed you.”

  I laughed. “That’s sweet, but you don’t have to lie.”

  “I’m not, I don’t care about that,” he insisted.

  I’d almost believe that he didn’t care anymore but then what was the point of pretending he’d never held a grudge? Here I was weighing whether I should risk my future on this relationship and we were still stuck in the past.

  Okay, it was more than that. It wasn’t so much about Max and us dating. Yes, it was very clearly something my parents didn’t approve of. But it didn’t matter whether it was this or something else. Maybe nothing else would inspire such a forceful reaction, such an ultimatum, but something else would come along eventually. Another point of contention where my parents would expect me to defer to them as always. It was about me making decisions about my own life. Huh. I’d never thought of it like that. I needed to contemplate this further, but it just didn’t feel like that in the moment. Right now, it felt all about him and us. We were supposed to be finding a way to move forward together and we were going backwards instead.

  “You beat me every time Max,” I tried to explain in a patient voice. “The one year I got further than you, the year I knocked you out of the competition, you quit. We still had more year left.” I raised an eyebrow to say there you have it.

  “Okay, that’s how it looks,” he grimaced “but what I’m trying to tell you…”

  “There is no reason to stop early.” That was the end of my patience. “Why the hell would you stop early?”

  Despite my heated words, Max didn’t launch into an argument with me. He just looked sad, almost defeated. I hated it. If we weren’t going to engage in a more fun distraction, then I thought I could at least count on him to get mad.

  “Because he left,” he said quietly.

  “What, who? Your- your dad?”

  Max nodded tightly.

  “It was after the last bee.” Max moved to sit down on the edge of my bed. I stood nearby while he told his story to the floor. “Losing the bee was like the last straw, I guess. I don’t know really know about all the straws before that, though.” He shook his head sadly. “To me, it was just, I lost and then dad walked out.”

  I didn’t know what to say. “And you didn’t come back?” Obviously, he didn’t come back to the bee. I’d just assumed- after our big fight, how could I not assume that was about me?

  “I didn’t take it well, dad leaving.” Max almost smiled so that was probably an understatement. “We moved to the city. I transferred to public school. I was really angry. Mom had to work doubles all the time and I had to watch April. Learning to spell big words didn’t seem important anymore. That’s why I quit the bee.”

  I didn’t know what to do with any that. Why are you telling me this now? That’s what I wanted to say, but it didn’t seem appropriate. “I thought it was because of me.” Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say either.

  “Well, it wasn’t.” His face didn’t give anything away. Oh, it was that simple?

  “I thought it was because of me,” I repeated. It almost sounded like an accusation this time.

  He rubbed his face with a hand. “Cal, why does it matter?”

  Take a moment, be calm and rationale. Nope. “Because you let me
keep thinking that. I had no idea,” I replied too fast. Then accused, “You were keeping this from me.”

  His jaw was tight, but he forced out a reply. “No, I just. I didn’t want to share my sob story.”

  “We’re trying to go forward and yet you still don’t trust me.” I was on the verge of losing everything and for someone who wasn’t even honest.

  “I’m trying okay. It’s not about you, it’s me—"

  I snorted. “You say you haven’t done relationships but even you must know that cliché.”

  “Cal.” It sounded short and angry. Good, finally. He’d been so tired and resigned. Normally it wasn’t difficult at all to get Max to show some passion. It couldn’t mean anything good that he’d been so reserved. At least an angry Max was someone I had more experience with.

  I wanted, needed, a fight badly. “And why are you telling me this now?” At least it was something to do. Maybe it wouldn’t accomplish anything, maybe it would make things worse, but it felt like doing something. It was better than sitting around and worrying.

  Max didn’t have an answer. Unbelievable.

  “You realized you were keeping back something huge and thought now would be a good time to tell me? Hey, maybe Cal’s so distracted with everything else he won’t care?”

  “That’s not what it was.” His dark glare didn’t stop me.

  “Then what was it?” I pressed. Again, nothing. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

  He made a frustrated noise. “Guess what? It wasn’t about you. Not everything is about you.” As if he was proving that point, he got up and walked out.

  He didn’t even stay and let it get ugly. I’d thought he’d be good for that, someone I could finally have it out with. I hated being on unsteady ground. There were my parents on end and Max on the other. Whatever I did, I thought I’d lose one of them. My options at the moment seemed bleak. Like whatever I did, I was going to lose them all anyway.

  ***

  Max

  Things had to be bad because my stupid trust issues weren’t going into overdrive, pointing out how I’d been right not to tell Cal about dad splitting if this was how he reacted. Except I was to blame too. Neither of us were in the right head space. Would I ever be in the right head space again? Fuck.