by F N Manning
I hadn’t even thought of that. Even if I had, I never would have considered him admitting it. Not owning up to his problems was always him. Not admitting he was sick was why he needed to leave. But here he was. Voicing that even if it meant he didn’t get to see April at all because of it. Shit. The fucker had actually changed. “I’m angry because I agree with you.”
“I don’t know what to do with that,” he admitted.
“Just. Can you at least tell me that if that happens, will you come back? When it’s safe or whatever?” April could handle that. As long as he made it a priority to come back. “Keep in touch, and even if you feel like the stupidest guy on the planet, you have to swallow your pride and come back.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. Was that too easy? “I came back now, didn’t I?”
Okay, he had me there. We sat in silence. Heavy silence but no longer so awkward. “Okay, glad we got that settled,” I said. All that aside, there was one more thing. If he didn’t have a legitimate reason and bailed on April anyway, I would seriously kill him. I looked him in the eye. “If you fuck this up, I will seriously kill you.”
For the first time in a long time, I heard him laugh. Huh, I’d forgotten I got my laugh from him. He nodded. “I have no doubt about that.”
***
Cal
Today was a Saturday, so Brendan and I were currently at home. At least we were outside. I’d been so proud of him earlier when mother asked then insisted he do his math homework. He’d just scoffed and explained that Sunday was our library day. We’d started going to the library or a coffee shop or anywhere to do homework Monday through Thursday and Sunday on the weekends.
This wasn’t just a way to stay out of the house. Sometimes it was challenging to get everything done in the few hours we spent there, but I’d stuck to keeping my backpack in the car. The only thing I took out was whatever book I was reading for English, because what else would I do with more free time but read anyway, and I made a point to read in the living room and leave the book there.
I hadn’t even told Brendan he couldn’t study at home. He could if he wanted to. He started leaving his backpack in the car too. Brendan and I were different in so many ways, but my behavior affected him. Now that I realized that, I was determined to set the right example.
“You really don’t have to do this,” Brendan said while staring dubiously at me. We were in our backyard. Tossing the old football around. Well, that was the expression. I went and bought a football so that we could toss it around. I wasn’t sure if Brendan had one or not. My first thought had been to purchase one instead of looking to see if we already had one. Max could never know.
“After the spelling bee, we should try something you like,” I told him. Well, I should try something like this. Doing his interests with him. Until recently, I hadn’t really pictured what would become of Brendan and I when I left home. All my rosy colored imaginings just depicted me successful and thriving at college while my home life was a memory in the distance. I still wanted that. To go on to better things and for most of my home life to become a memory. Except for Brendan. I wanted to keep him.
“I can’t be seen with you if you keep throwing it like that.” My little brother stared in horror. What? I threw it up with both hands and it went high in the air. Wasn’t that the goal? While he looked like he already regretted it, Brendan caught the ball and threw it back to me. Oh, it looked much different when he did it.
“There’s no one around.” I pointed out.
Brendan shook his head. “I’m around.”
“Maybe you can teach me?” To highlight how much education I needed, I wheeled my arm back in a circle and did an underhand pitch with the football. Why did I know what that looked like? High school girls’ softball games maybe. Men pitched differently. Why did I know all that but not how to throw a football? The uniforms. Not that I cared about the sartorial choices of sporting industries, but baseball uniforms were less bulky and showed off the figure better. That meant, at some point, I’d been looking at baseball players of both sexes. Huh. It was no longer scary, just interesting, to find clues that I was never as straight as I once thought. The indicators had been there all along; all I had to do was look for them. Face them.
I once thought there were only two options: to be my anxious, always internally panicking self or to be my parents. They were calm and unruffled, ignored problems in public, and always showed the right face to the world. There was another choice. I could just not give a shit. Not pretend to not give a shit or make people think I was above it all. I could actually be above it all.
My brother walked towards me. “Okay, stop tossing underhand first, then—"
Brendan motioned for the ball, but I held onto it. “Wait, there was something I wanted to say first.” He stilled and waited for me to continue. It was then that I realized I didn’t know how. “Well, you know that Max and I are, uh, friends.” Why hadn’t I practiced what I wanted to say or made some notes?
He nodded. “And I’m friends with April.”
The thought of practicing for a coming out speech was too awkward, so how did I expect to do it in reality? I guess I hoped inspiration would strike in the moment. I’d never winged things before. Maybe I would be good at it. I never knew until I tried. “No, it’s not like that.”
He looked puzzled. “Because April’s not a boy?”
“Uh, kind of.” Okay, I wasn’t good at this, but I stumbled on anyway. “But it’s not like the way you’re friends with other boys.” He frowned, probably more out of confusion than anything, but I corrected, “At least I don’t think so. I guess I shouldn’t make assumptions.” I put my hand on his shoulder and stared at him seriously. “You are allowed to be friends with boys or girls.”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “I know that.”
“No, I mean, what I mean is…” I trailed off, not really sure what I meant anymore.
“Oh.” Brendan’s confusion faded suddenly. “Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?”
“What? How do you know that?” My rambling was not coherent enough for him to understand.
Brendan shrugged. “April told me a long time ago.”
“She’s not allowed to do that!” I exclaimed. I wasn’t actually angry about it. I just didn’t know what else to focus on. Brendan already knew. Oh god, my whole family had known before I told them.
I assumed this was about to go bad like it did with my father when Brendan looked worried. Except he was worried about something else entirely. “Don’t be mad at April,” he said quickly. “To be fair, she only told me because I asked.”
“What? Why did you do that?”
“It was pretty obvious!” he defended. That was offensive even though it was true if preteens could pick up on the sexual tension between Max and me. “But you didn’t tell me, so.” Brendan looked down. “I didn’t know what to do.”
“I was still figuring it out,” I explained gently. “What do you think about it?” I held my breath without meaning to even though I shouldn’t because who knew how long it would take Brendan to figure out an answer. Even if he already knew about Max and I, that didn’t mean he would just be alright with it, did it? No, things never went that easily.
My internal worrying was cut off as Brendan rolled his eyes. “I know gay people, Cal.”
“This is news to me.” Did I need to correct him or explain how I liked men and women? Maybe I could ask him to spell bisexual. No, one thing at a time.
“Some of my classmates have gay parents.” He acted like it was no big deal. Because it really wasn’t. I knew that but being it and living it were two different things. Maybe it just was that simple sometimes. We weren’t our parents; we grew up in a different time. “When the guys at my school seemed to like April, she told them all she was a lesbian.” He paused and frowned. “I don’t know if she was just saying that or not, but it doesn’t matter. She’s my best friend.” He looked at me seriously. “And you’re my brother.”
<
br /> “Yes, I know. It’s just.” My parents strongly suggested I shouldn’t tell him, then outright demanded it. I hadn’t even thought of listening to that. I wanted to get to Brendan first, to explain before they could tell him I was deluded and confused and wrong.
I didn’t tell him they didn’t approve, but he got it anyway. “Mom and dad are wrong,” he said simply, easy as that.
“Well, thank you.” I looked around; there really wasn’t anyone else in our backyard. Could I get away with a hug?
“For what? You have my back, but I have yours too.” I kept waiting for it to go bad and it just didn’t. The acceptance and support from him was unconditional and simple.
The only thing I could say in response was, “I love you so much.” Stupid Max was right. I couldn’t just throw my family ties away completely. Brendan was family too. I didn’t know if my parents would ever come around, but I could put up with them sometimes if my little brother was on my side. We had each other’s backs.
The distaste at strong emotions was different coming from Brendan. It wasn’t a Winthrop-Scott thing; it was an 11-year-old boy thing. “Ew! I know that, you don’t have to say it.”
I laughed.
***
“Are you tempting fate here?” Max asked when he came over to my house on a Friday night.
“I honestly don’t care. I’ve given up on trying.” I’d been avoiding home for a while, but I planned on moving out once my new job started, so I might as well enjoy the spacious surroundings while I could. Things between my parents and I were… pretty much nonexistent. They were opposed to several of my life choices and I wouldn’t hear their criticism, so there was little reason for us to interact. Being my own person, standing up to them, it had seemed so challenging even a month ago. Now, well, I didn’t really give a damn. I was too weary and frustrated to care or be afraid.
Max brought some DVDs over, so we went to the living room to watch them. The most pressing issue had nothing to do with my parents. Instead, I realized that I had no idea what my boyfriend’s movie and TV show preferences were. Was I about to be subjected to insane Japanese horror films, or German soap operas, or something ridiculous like that?
“You never know. They might come around.” Was this Max trying to be supportive? Nice, but odd.
It didn’t mean he needed to be naïve. “I’m pretty sure they won’t. They may write me out of the will.” We sat on the couch together and I eyed his DVD case with apprehension.
‘Will?’ he mouthed to himself then shook off the urge to mock me. “I’m not even going to touch that, but maybe they just need some time.”
“Why are you being so optimistic? This should be quality time for us. We can hate my parents together.”
“Maybe later.” He debated something, then said, “You never know.”
“Yes, I do.” I didn’t know how supportive they would be of a gay son. Father seemed to suggest they could make it work if they had to. Even if they were okay with a gay son, I got the feeling my partner would never be welcome. But it didn’t matter. If girls were an option, I should see girls. That’s what they thought. Assholes. I grabbed the DVD case and opened it.
“I’m not saying it will be easy,” he admitted. “It might take a long time. I didn’t see my dad for five years.” He sent me a sardonic smile. “I don’t want to say your family is better at anything than mine, but they could be even more stubborn than my old man.”
“Gee, thanks,” I said sarcastically.
“So, uh. I mean, that’s the not easy part.” He shrugged.
I looked at the titles in the case. “You like the Magic School Bus enough to own it?” I questioned with surprise.
“Oh dammit, I grabbed April’s DVDs by mistake.”
I laughed and was about to tease Max by telling him it was low to blame his sister for his peculiar tastes, when he stopped me.
“Wait, Cal.” He wasn’t very good at pep talks but he kept trying. “Your parents could come around.” He grinned. “And you know me, I would be as pessimistic and jaded as possible, but I’m backed into a corner here. My stupid asshole dad finally did the right thing.” He said the insults without heat, smiling wryly. “The bastard’s making it real hard to hold a grudge. Doesn’t mean I won’t try.” He paused as something occurred to him. “Hey, I can literally give it the old college try since I’ll be a college boy.” He grinned at that then shook his head. “But anyway—"
“It gets better, basically?” I surmised.
He inclined his head but didn’t nod. “Yeah, if you want it to. You could say fuck them and never look back if you wanted also.”
“You’re saying I shouldn’t?” I looked him over. It was the same devastatingly hot guy in the same leather jacket, just the attitude was different.
“Hell no,” he responded quickly. “I am not making that decision for you,” Max clarified. “Just consider not shutting them out. Think about it. You might wanna keep the door open. In case they wise up.”
“Keep the door open,” I repeated.
He nodded. “That will make it easier for them to walk through it one day.”
***
Max
What did the future hold? I had no fucking idea. Did anyone really? I mean, I never expected I’d attend college while Cal was taking a year off. I kept thinking about being a teacher. I wasn’t great at honest conversation and I looked like a bad influence on the surface. Maybe I’d have to cut back on smoking weed but otherwise? There were probably kids who had shitty parents and sucked at real talk too. I might be able to relate to them.
I didn’t know if I wanted to be a teacher. I kind of liked the idea. I didn’t know if I wanted to work with cars. Maybe there was something else entirely out there that would appeal to me more. Going to school and having options, yeah, I could be okay with that.
It was so easy to live in the moment, to do what felt good and forget about the rest when I wasn’t attached. It was more difficult when I cared, but I was doing my best to enjoy what I had with Cal for as long as I had it. Maybe he’d break up with me. Maybe I’d break up with him. That wasn’t the important part. We wanted to be together now and were figuring things out. Right now…
“You’re the one who doesn’t want to date,” Cal said haughtily, glaring while I laughed.
“I didn’t say that.” If I had, I wouldn’t be here with him now. He said he was going to take me out and I’d only worried a little about his idea of a good date. He didn’t take me anywhere fancy. The opposite actually. Cal thought he was real cute, putting together a freaking picnic in the park. I couldn’t even complain too much because at least he hadn’t gone overboard with oysters and caviar or whatever rich people ate.
I sat on the blanket and ate finger sandwiches with only a minimal amount of grumbling. I felt dumb, sprawled out next to Cal in my leather jacket and boots, but his obvious delight at this stupid, cliché date made it easier to bear. Plus, he had given me an excellent opportunity to tease him.
We were talking about whether we were officially dating or not and he had a ridiculous suggestion.
“To be fair, you never say anything except,” Cal lowered his voice and glowered dramatically, “I’m so cool, I wear a leather a jacket and act grumpy all the time.”
I threw a baby carrot at him. “All of that is subtext.”
“You’re the one who said we were high school boyfriends and had so much against us.”
“Yeah, but, your solution is just. You’re stupid.” I laughed. I was surprised how easy this had become. We were talking about us and the urge to run or clam up was minimal. It helped that Cal was such a ridiculous, adorable loser.
“No. I’m helpful. I’m clarifying—"
“I won’t even remember the whole thing.”
Cal rolled his eyes. “It’s simple. We’re monogamous yet not committed non-platonic friends who are enjoying date-like activities together.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And you think that clarifies thin
gs?”
“Well, I did. Until I said it again just now.”
Yes, college and the uncertain future was still headed our way. I just didn’t think that changed anything. “I want to date, you want to date, so we should just be dating,” I told him.
Cal didn’t seem particularly opposed to the idea, but I thought he was trying to be more rational after his earlier freak out. “You made some good points.”
“So did you.”
Cal grinned. “Say that again.”
“Never.”
“So,” he asked with a pleased little smile, “There’s no more break, no ambiguity, we’re in a relationship.”
I sighed dramatically but couldn’t help smiling. “Yeah, I would say so.” Maybe we would last for a day or a week or a few months. Maybe we’d last longer. I didn’t know, but I knew I wanted as much time as we could have together.
Cal pulled me in for a kiss. When we pulled away, he spoke. “I got you something.”
The asshole never knew when to quit. Was that why he didn’t take me anywhere nice? He got me some stupid trinket that was worth a small fortune instead?
“I don’t want or need presents,” I started arguing.
“Just let me—”
How could someone so smart be so dumb? “Cal, you know I don’t like—” You throwing your weight and money all over the place, I didn’t say as he held his hands up insistently.
“I didn’t get you anything elaborate.” He shrugged. “It’s more, I don’t know, a gesture.”
What was Cal’s idea of ‘not elaborate?’ “Is it a pony? I won’t be mad if it’s a pony since April wants one.”
His brow wrinkled in that adorable way while he glared at me. “Would you shut up for one second?”
“Cal—"
“Max,” he said and held it up to me.
Oh. It wasn’t elaborate or pricey. It fit in the palm of his hand. It was a modest but bright bracelet, pieces of thread woven together.
“That’s what you have for me?” I asked softly.