“I wish we could stop them.”
“No. They are there for a reason.” Sara rubbed her burning eyes. “Can you help me to a hot shower? This one is going to take a while to wear off.”
“Sure. Come on.”
When Sara moved to stand up, her legs nearly gave out. It felt like she had run a marathon. She was grateful for Dave and Susan’s help.
“Stay away from your bedroom. Susan will get your clothes. I’ll bring breakfast up here if you like.”
She blinked back tears. “Thanks.”
Sara showered, dressed, and managed to eat breakfast while Dave sat beside her. Her brother hadn’t slept. Sara hated the fact she had caused that.
The day grew harder as it progressed. Sara faced her bedroom two hours later. With Dave beside her, she drew in a deep breath and stepped inside.
Nothing.
No panic.
She walked over to the closet. In the light of day it looked normal. The cedar paneling lined the walls. Dresses hung on the left, blouses and slacks on the right. The cream-colored blouse was still out of place according to what she last remembered, but it hung with the other like-colored silk blouses. She scanned the carpet, the rest of the bedroom.
She wasn’t comfortable here, but she wasn’t afraid. Whatever had triggered her reaction last night was not as intense today.
“Anything?”
Sara shook her head. “Am I going crazy?”
“No.” Dave didn’t hesitate. Sara knew she could trust him to be honest. Even if the answers were painful. When she asked a direct question, her brother would give her a direct answer.
“You reacted to something you saw last night. It’s just that…”
She turned to look at him. “What?”
Dave ran his hand through his hair. “I think you reacted to a memory last night. An old memory. Something about coming into this dark bedroom, late at night, the hall light on behind you, hit a buried memory.”
Sara slowly nodded. It was a better explanation than any she had put together. “A flashback.”
“I think so. You certainly froze.”
She sighed. Given how sensitive she was to being in the dark, it made a lot of sense. “How long does this go on, Dave? Why can’t I just remember? Why does my mind keep skirting around the truth?”
Her brother drew her into a hug. It felt like she was being surrounded by warmth. She hugged him back, glad he was always there. She needed him today, more than she had needed him in years.
“We’ll get through this, Sara. It’s just another twist in the road. That’s all,” he whispered. “Just another twist in the road. There will be an end, I promise you.” Sara wished she had his faith.
“I hear you had a bad night.” Adam said from the doorway of Sara’s office, not sure if she would welcome the company. Dave had called him without her knowledge.
She picked up her hot tea and gestured for him to join her. “It wasn’t much fun.” She had to whisper the words; her voice had completely given out.
Adam winced at the sound of her voice. Dave had been factual when he called. Adam understood why, now that he heard Sara. How did you really convey someone had screamed so long she had lost her voice? He had been at his own office reviewing a proposal when Dave called him. He listened, stunned to hear Dave’s news. He told his secretary to clear the rest of his day’s schedule.
He crossed the room to where Sara sat. It always intrigued him, watching her work, for she normally did it with such complete absorption. Today, he had watched her for a moment from the doorway before he spoke. Her full focus had not seemed to be on the picture in front of her. Her pencil had been almost doodling on the page, coloring like a young child. The distraction from her work told him a lot.
He reached her side and caressed her cheek, searching her face to see how much of the nightmare still haunted her eyes. He didn’t like what he saw. She was holding herself together by pure willpower. “Are you going to be okay?”
She nodded, pulling back from his touch. “Dave thinks it was a flashback.”
Her movement away from him was not a good sign. An unwillingness to talk about it. A lack of emotional energy to deal with it. A lack of trust to let him in. Fatigue. Probably all of them. Adam took a seat on the stool beside her. He gently interlaced his fingers with hers, overriding her reluctance. He couldn’t afford to let Sara shut him out. She needed to lean against the people around her. If he had to force his way in, he would do so. “What do you think?”
“I think he’s right. It fits.”
A flashback to what part of her nine days of captivity? That was the question Dave asked during their phone call. Adam could understand his concern. Sara didn’t need another source driving the terror.
“I’m sorry it happened, Sara. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
She grimaced. “Nothing you could do.”
“It would have made me feel better.”
He saw the glimmer of tears form in her eyes. They startled him because he rarely saw that kind of emotion get past the barrier she kept so firmly erect. He wished she would cry more than she did, but not over something he said. His fingers brushed away the dampness. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“Have we had any time together that wasn’t touched by this baggage? It’s like my own version of cancer. It reaches out and touches everybody around me.”
She should be angry at the guy stalking her, the situation she was forced to live in. Instead, she was beating herself up for not handling it better. This was exactly the kind of reaction he did not want from her. “Don’t cry. Not over that, of all things.”
He didn’t need her hiding her past, trying to pretend it didn’t exist. It was part of why he cared about her. Her courage was part of what made her so stubbornly attractive. “Do you remember the first time we met in the elevator, when I thought you were a reporter doing a story on me?”
She wiped at the tears that had managed to escape as she nodded.
“The thing I hated was the fact that I thought here’s yet someone else lying to me. Sara, I don’t need you to cover up the painful facts in your life. I need the real you. That’s the person I admire. We should be able to have a full evening without the past intruding, without having to talk about it, be touched by it, be reminded of it. But life isn’t always fair. I need you willing to be honest and real; the rest can take care of itself.”
He was as tired of riding this roller coaster as she was, but if there was no way to get off, then the only option was to go along for the ride. He needed her to be honest with him too. The last thing he wanted was her bailing out on him, just as he was getting to know her.
“Did Dave call you?” She looked troubled at the idea.
Adam squeezed her hand. “He thought I would want to know. He was right.”
He watched her absorb the words, think about them as she finished her tea so she could get a few more words from her strained voice. “Maybe it would be better if you didn’t care so much. I wish I could say this isn’t what my life is normally like. Unfortunately, it’s all too realistic.”
Adam framed her face with his hands, smiled, and leaned forward to kiss her. “Don’t fret, Sara. I already like you. Live with it.” His smile widened at her frown. When she tried to speak, he put a finger to her lips. “Just a minute.”
He got up to get her some more tea. “This will help.”
She took the cup, a small smile curving her lips. “Thanks,” she whispered after taking a soothing sip. “This still isn’t fair to you.”
Adam ignored where Sara wanted to take the conversation. She was not going to change his position. “It makes me angry to think I contributed to what happened by keeping you out so late.”
He watched her close her eyes even as she winced. “Don’t. It makes no sense to replay the past. You learn from it, but you don’t waste emotional time on it.”
Adam folded his arms across the back of the chair. “Then explain it to me. I know this is a lousy
time to talk with your voice so wasted, but I need to understand. How do you deal with this? What gets you back to work on the same day a crisis hits? I saw it the first day we met, and I’m seeing it again today.”
There was an entire part to Sara that he didn’t comprehend. If the trauma of last night didn’t knock her down, what if anything ever would?
“I’ve got great coping skills. Don’t mistake that for strength. I deal with the situation because I have no choice. Keeping moving is part of coping. If I let any one crisis stop me, I doubt I would ever move again, they happen so frequently. I have a lifetime of them behind me.”
Adam understood part of what she was saying. He knew what it meant to endure for the duration. His twelve-year career in the pros had been that. A long endurance race. He had played hurt, sick, exhausted, defeated. If sacked, he got back on his feet. If losing, he continued to play until the last second expired. If defeated, he focused his efforts on winning the next game.
He understood dealing with the situation and moving on. He didn’t understand how she could live under a constant threat and still keep her sanity.
He hadn’t meant to ask that question, but he had.
Sara’s hand covered his. “Adam, God never gives me more than I can handle.” She smiled. “I’m really good at praying, ‘God, keep me safe.’ “
It drew an answering smile from him.
Adam turned his hand over to grasp hers. “I don’t understand why you should have to live like this. It makes no sense that this would be part of God’s plan.”
She took another sip of tea. “Dave likes to quote that Scripture from Romans 11 that says: ‘How unsearchable are [God’s] judgments and how inscrutable his ways!’ I don’t know when this will end. Honestly, I wonder sometimes if it will be old age. He’ll get old and die and the threat will be gone. I may get twenty years of freedom at the end of my life. That’s what I hold on to, Adam. A dream of someday being free.”
Adam looked at her calm face and clear, tired eyes and knew one thing: Part of her strength came from accepting that it would never be over quickly. It was depressing to realize in a way; her strength came from giving up hope for a quick solution. Her hope was in a long term, a last-man-standing-on-the-field victory. The realization sat hard in the pit of his stomach. The duration of that game was not attractive.
“Adam, didn’t you once tell me your dad taught you to play football one down at a time? To focus on the moment?”
“Yes.”
“That’s how I have to live my life. One day at a time. I can cope, as long as I never let the big picture overwhelm me.”
Adam smiled. One play at a time. He had spent a career focusing with that single-minded intensity. If that’s what it took to live life while under siege, it could be done. He squeezed her hand. “Thanks, Sara.”
“For what?”
“Not giving up.”
She leaned over and kissed him. Her head nestled against his shoulder. “Adam, if I gave up, I would lose what I do have. Ellen’s upcoming wedding. Finishing this children’s book. Going out to dinner with you. If I gave up, he would win.”
CHAPTER 11
King Henry took off down the beach after a seagull. Adam watched him run. The sand scattered as the dog plowed to a stop when a bird rose with a shrill cry into the air.
Adam had come to the beach to see the sunset, let his dog run. He had come to pray.
He tossed the worn ball he held back and forth between his hands. The peaceful evening was not reaching his heart.
He whistled for his dog to come back to his side. With a loping stride, Henry returned.
The disquieting sensation that he was being watched lingered, even though he was alone on the beach. The sensation had been with him ever since he left work, left Sara.
Adam knew what was happening.
Dave’s security sweep of his home. Sara’s flashback. They had both put him on edge.
God, I can’t live my life in fear. I’m not made to function that way. I don’t want to live like Sara and Dave, constantly having to look over my shoulder. So what do I do?
He knew that fear wasn’t God’s plan. God had never intended them to live in fear. Adam had nearly reminded Sara when they were horseback riding that perfect love casts out fear.
So why the sudden uneasiness? Wasn’t his faith strong enough for what was happening?
He knew part of it. This was his first real taste of fear where he had no control. His dad’s death had been different. He had feared it but had known what to expect, had been able to prepare. The situation now was like grappling with a shadow. The fear was there as this constant threat that at any time could lunge out and strike.
He felt as if he had to restore the dike in what he thought had been a solid faith.
What options did he have? A relationship with Sara depended on him not letting fear gain the upper hand.
He couldn’t imagine pulling back and not having Sara in his life. She was too unique a lady. He liked her. He wanted to spend the next months getting to know her better.
But he couldn’t live in fear.
He had to learn to cope and move on, just like Sara did. He couldn’t let the security dominate what he thought about or what they talked about in the future.
Sara had twenty-five years of practice in learning to cope. He had to be a fast learner.
She was right. Her past had intruded into their relationship with great frequency. But there had been brief periods of normalcy in their relationship—watching videos together, horseback riding, going to the movie. Adam knew it was possible to have more days like that with her.
There had to be a way to adapt to this situation so the relationship still had a chance. He had seen what that flashback did to her. How steep a price she had paid. He hurt just knowing what she had gone through.
What did she need from him?
Someone to listen, someone to help her cope with the pressure.
He knew he was well on the way to falling in love with her, all the signs were there: awareness, curiosity, attraction, fascination. It had been a long time since he had the simple pleasure of going to a movie and hiding in the back row with a date. The time spent with her was like silver and gold, memories that touched his heart. He didn’t let many people get that close.
In small ways the intimacy was beginning. Holding hands. Exploring with a few brief kisses. Risking the vulnerability to be real.
Love would be in full bloom with a little more time.
He had something with Sara that was priceless. He didn’t think she even realized what she had let them create or how unique it was. She handled his fame, his wealth, his past, the right way. His accomplishments were respected but not pandered to. She cared a lot more about who he was rather than what he had done. As she put it, it was who he was that had led to what he had accomplished.
Their relationship was equal and balanced. Maybe that was what made this relationship so different. She had a healthy sense of self-respect. He didn’t feel like he had to prop up her image of herself. He might desperately want to protect her, might want her to be less reserved about taking a risk on their relationship, but he didn’t have to worry about her sense of self. Her casual elegance spoke volumes. She tackled what she had to; she coped and moved on.
She was a joy to look at. He could image a lifetime of days spent with her.
God, You let us cross paths, didn’t You? This entire relationship has Your kind of feel to it. Something is required of me—a willingness to help protect Sara, for one thing. With each passing day I better understand just how involved that might be. I said I would be willing to adapt if You gave me the chance. So what do You suggest?
Sara needed to have a life beyond just the security. How simple it was to see that from the outside looking in. The web around her was so tight it had to be claustrophobic. The protection was necessary, but it came at such a high price. Adam nodded. That was something he could do—help her have a life inside of tha
t constant security.
They were going out to dinner together. It was a start. He was going to do his best to ensure it was a nice, comfortable, peaceful evening they both enjoyed. To the extent he could make it happen, there would be nothing from her past to cloud the evening. He knew she needed a break. They both did.
Dave heard Sara up and moving around. He glanced at the bedside clock. Four A.M. He groaned, pulling a pillow over his head. At least she had not woken up screaming today. The last five days had been tough on both of them.
When he heard her move quietly downstairs, he gave up hope of getting more sleep. Sara was up. He was up.
A hot shower helped, but coffee would help more.
Dave found her down in the kitchen, fixing her normal breakfast of a bagel and hot tea. He leaned against the doorjamb as he towel dried his hair. “Couldn’t sleep?”
She looked over, smiled, and gave a slight shrug. “Not very well. Can I fix you some breakfast before you leave?”
“Leave for where?”
“The Wisconsin air show. It’s been on your calendar for months.”
“Oh. I’m not going.” He had called and canceled the date with Linda a few days ago. She hadn’t sounded that upset; a fact that should have bothered him but didn’t.
“Dave, you’ve been looking forward to this for months. You have to go.”
Dave grinned. She had that stubborn look she got when she was determined to win a discussion. She could forget it. He wasn’t leaving her today. Not when she had spent the last week flinching at shadows.
He would miss seeing the air show. He tried to go every year if he could. If he hadn’t ended up in this line of work because of Sara, he would have probably been a test pilot. He loved everything related to aviation. But he had more pressing concerns at the moment. “I’m not leaving you.”
“I don’t need a baby-sitter.”
Definitely a touch of mutiny going on today. Good. It was nice to see a little fire in her eyes. He leaned against the counter. Sara had been hiding in the house, using the fact her editor had sent back comments on the H. Q. Victor book as an excuse to avoid even going into the office. He needed to get her out of this house. He folded his arms across his chest. “I’ll go if you come along.”
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