by E. L. Todd
“Do you ever think about going back?”
He took a long time to consider the answer before voicing it. “Sometimes. But I think it wouldn’t be in the best interest of my health. Like most people who serve more than four years in the military, you see things you can’t see unsee…and they haunt you. If I’d stayed any longer, I would have gotten worse. And when you hit a certain point…there’s no coming back.”
He never talked about his mental issues, and he seemed perfectly fine on the outside. But it was impossible to tell what someone was truly feeling. Someone could laugh and be the life of the party, but also struggle with the biggest demons. “It’s smart to understand when you’ve had enough and remove yourself from the situation. You served your country long enough.”
He watched me in the darkness, his touch resting against my belly.
“Was there something that happened that made you leave?” When he first moved in with Colton, he’d seemed to carry great pain on his shoulders, as if something happened that made him walk away. “A specific event that was the last straw for you?”
He stayed quiet, as if he had no intention of answering my question.
He said he would answer any question I had, so I stayed patient. My hand released his chain, and I rubbed his chest, feeling his strong heartbeat underneath the tips of my fingers.
“The nice things about working in the ER is you don’t know any of your patients. I see them with calm objectivity. There are no feelings involved, so I can do my job and give them the best care possible. But in the field…I knew all my men. So every save and every loss was very personal. One of my close friends was hit by a grenade in battle. When they got him to me, there was nothing I could do. All I did was sit there with his blood all over me and watch him die. I lied and said he would be alright, just so he could die comforted.” He broke eye contact, shifting his gaze to another point in my room. “That was the end for me. When my deployment ended, I was honorably discharged from the military. They tried to get me to re-sign by offering me a lot of money…but there was no amount of money that could make me change my mind.”
When his heart ached, so did mine. I could feel his sorrow like it was being transferred directly to me. This man had sacrificed so much, and I hated the fact that it hurt him so deeply. It was impossible to serve the country without collecting scars—both physically and mentally. It was obvious that Finn couldn’t tolerate any more, that he had the courage to admit when he’d had enough. “I’m so sorry.” Those words felt so empty on my ears, but I meant them deeply. They were the words people uttered when they didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what to say either…but I was apologetic.
“Nothing to be sorry about.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
He shrugged. “Someone has to do it. If it weren’t me, it would just be someone else. It’s a shitty job, but someone has to do it.”
“Have you considered therapy?”
“I did therapy for two weeks when I first moved in with Colton.”
“I didn’t know that…”
“I’m not dismissing therapy, but when you’ve seen things like that, you can never unsee them. You can never think about the past and feel good about it. It’s just something you have to carry forever. They don’t tell you that when you first enlist.”
“Why did you enlist?”
He took a deep breath as his eyes shifted back to me. “You’re curious.”
“I’ve always been curious…but I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”
His hand glided up my belly and between my tits. “I wanted to serve my country and become a doctor. When I took my aptitude test for the military, I had unusually high scores. They offered me an opportunity to get my medical license for free in exchange for ten years of service. It was the perfect setup—so I took it. I have no student loans, I saved up a lot of money, and it’s easy for me to get a job anywhere because of my experience.”
“Yeah…not bad.”
“I don’t have any regrets about my time in the service. But it would be a mistake if I went back.”
“Yes, it would. It’s time you enjoy civilian life.”
“I guess. Sometimes I miss my boys.”
“I’m sure they miss you too. Do you keep in touch?”
“Sometimes through texting and social media. But when you’re in the field, communication is hard.”
I ran my fingers down his stomach. “I think it’s good that you’re here so you can spend time with your family. Your parents are still here, but they won’t be around forever. It’s good that you spend time with Colton too. I feel like you two have reconnected.”
His eyes dilated slightly at the mention of his brother. “What happened with your family? My mother mentioned you didn’t have anyone, but she didn’t tell me why.”
“My mom got pregnant really young. She didn’t want to raise a baby on her own, so she gave me up for adoption. I ended up being in the system for a long time and placed in foster homes. It just never really worked out for me.”
“And your father?”
“He was out of the picture the second my mother was pregnant.”
He shook his head slightly. “Coward. Both of them.”
“I don’t judge them. They made the right decision.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I wouldn’t want to be raised by parents that didn’t want me. It’s not a healthy environment. I’m sure I was better off in the system. I had what I needed, and I turned out fine. Of course, I wish I had a family like most people, but it’s okay that I didn’t. Nothing to be sad about.”
He chuckled quietly, shaking his head at the same time.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You continue to surprise me.”
I knew he wouldn’t laugh at me over something like that, so there had to be a different meaning behind his words. “In what way?”
“You’ve been through so much, but you refuse to accept pity. You don’t want anyone to feel bad for you. You don’t feel bad for yourself. You had a rough start in life, then you married someone who lied to you, but you’re still his friend. I laugh at you because it’s ridiculous how forgiving you are. It’s incredible how self-assured you are. It’s hot…”
All my self-doubt disappeared when I heard those words. “Hot?”
“Very.” He pulled me into him and kissed me on the neck. “I hate the damsel-in-distress type. I like a strong woman, a woman who handles her own shit with grace.”
“When did you realize what kind of woman you liked? I thought you weren’t picky?”
His blue eyes looked into mine with that hard expression he pulled off so well. “I’ve never been picky. When it comes to fucking, my standards aren’t high. But when it comes to actually being with a woman, I know exactly what I like. And I realized that when I met you.” He rolled toward me, keeping my leg hooked over his hip as he moved on top of me. His muscled arms bulged with strength, and he stared down at me.
I was falling for this man—so damn hard.
My hands ran up his chest, and I opened my legs for him, beckoning him to take me. It didn’t matter how late it was. It didn’t matter if this would have a horrifying end. In that moment, I was so addicted, so obsessed, that nothing could take me away from him.
He slid inside me and made me gasp for breath, his hand moving into my hair at the same time.
My nails sank into his back, and my ankles locked together behind him, anchoring him to me like he might slip away.
He rocked into me as he looked at me, as he enjoyed the combustive chemistry between us. He stared at my lips then my eyes, like he couldn’t understand what he enjoyed more.
My lips found his, and I got lost deeper into him, feeling the tide drag me away until I was adrift in the ocean, drowning in ecstasy. My heels dug into his back, and I moaned in his mouth, letting this man have all of me while I took all of him. When I got lost in Finn, there was
nothing outside these four walls. We were isolated from the rest of the world, free to enjoy each other in secret. This would end eventually, and more than likely, it would end badly. But that didn’t matter. It wasn’t today’s problem.
It was tomorrow’s problem.
18
Colton
Pepper had a large shipment come in Saturday afternoon, so Stella and I stopped by to help her organize everything. There were boxes of panties and sexy thongs and lots of various pieces of lingerie, things with ridiculous price tags. I hung up a bodysuit on the hanger then hooked it on the metal stand. “Like that?”
“Are you serious? Would you buy that?” Stella adjusted the material on the hanger, straightened it out, and then put it farther back. “Smaller sizes go first. Bigger sizes in the back. Come on, Colton.”
“It’s not like I’ve ever done this before.”
“But you’re gay,” she countered. “This should be intuition.”
I rolled my eyes. “So, I heard through the grapevine you like my boy Zach.”
She was in her workout clothes, tight spandex, a workout bra, and a loose-fitting shirt that didn’t hide her perfect physique. As a trainer, she worked out every single day with her clients, so she burned calories around the clock. “Maybe.”
“Don’t play coy with me. We’re friends.”
“And you’re also friends with Zach.”
“So?”
“You’ll blab to him like the hen that you are.”
“What’s your point?”
She shook her head. “I do like Zach. But I don’t know where it’s going. Maybe we’ll just have a few dates, and it’ll fizzle out. Or maybe it’ll go somewhere. I really don’t know. I’ve never had a long-term relationship, so the statistics are working against me.”
“Why not?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Haven’t found a guy I’m willing to settle down for. I like being single and meeting new people. I’d have to meet someone pretty special to get me to be a one-man kinda woman.”
Zach wouldn’t want to hear that. The odds were against him.
Pepper came from the back room. “I’ve got two more boxes of those. They are my best seller, so we’ll have two stands of them.”
“Hey, Pepper,” Stella said. “I have someone I want you to meet. He’s in one of my weight-lifting classes. This guy is super-ripped. I mean, I’m not even sure why he’s in my class. Maybe he’s trying to meet someone. Anyway, I think the two of you should meet.”
Instead of looking enthused by the opportunity, she looked affronted. “Uh…I don’t know about that.”
“Why not?” Stella pressed. “We’ll get a beer, and the two of you could talk. This guy is drop-dead gorgeous.”
“I’m not a fan of blind dates.” Pepper grabbed the bodysuits from the box and started to hang them up. “And if he’s so hot, why won’t you go out with him?”
“I flirted with him a few times, but he didn’t seem interested. I haven’t been on my game lately.” Her eyes became downturned as she remembered her rejection by Finn.
“He must be gay,” I blurted out. “A guy not interested in his hot trainer? That’s odd.”
“Does that mean Finn is gay?” Pepper countered.
“Well, no,” I admitted. “I still don’t know what happened with Finn.”
“Anyway…” Stella seemed eager to change the subject. “Let me set something up. I think you’ll like this guy.”
“What makes you think he’d even want to go out with me?” Pepper asked. “If he’s not interested in you, then he won’t be interested in me.”
“He’s new to the area and looking to meet new people,” Stella said. “I think you guys would hit it off.”
“Uh…I don’t think so.” Pepper picked up the box and carried it to the counter.
“Why not?” Stella demanded, following her. “It’s just a drink. We’ll be there too.”
“I’m just not looking to date right now.” She closed the box and labeled the side with a black permanent marker.
“Because…?” Stella crossed her arms over her chest. “Give me one good reason. It can’t be because of Jax. You guys broke up months ago, and it didn’t seem like you even liked him that much.”
“I just don’t want to waste my time.” She turned back around, visibly flustered. “When I meet someone I like, I’ll go for it. But I want it to be organic. I don’t want to be set up with some guy just because he’s hot.”
“Isn’t that the only prerequisite that matters?” Stella asked seriously.
“No,” Pepper said with a chuckle. “I appreciate it, but I’ll pass.” She walked to the back to pick up another box.
She turned to me. “Well, this is happening anyway.”
“Don’t you think that will piss her off?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Real friends get their friends laid. That’s all I know.”
When I walked in the door, Soldier sprinted toward me and barked in greeting.
“Hey, man.” I leaned down and gave him a good rub on the head, seeing his tongue flop out as he greeted me with excitement. “You’re a lot more welcoming than Finn is. He doesn’t even say hi to me most of the time.”
Soldier barked.
I walked into the living room and found Finn sitting on the couch, clean from a shower. He’d worked the morning shift that day, so he got home at about the same time I did. In sweatpants and without a shirt, he looked like he was ready to stay in for the evening. “Your dog is a lot nicer than you are.”
“Good. He makes up for my rudeness.”
I grabbed a beer from the fridge then sat down.
Soldier moved to the couch beside Finn and sat down, turning into a loyal companion right away.
Finn rubbed his head without looking at him.
“We are going out tonight if you want to join us.”
Finn’s eyes were glued to the TV, watching the news as it detailed the war happening in the Middle East. He didn’t seem to hear a word I said.
“You okay, man?”
Finn grabbed the remote and changed the channel. Once something else was on, he changed his mood. “Who’s we?”
“All of us. We’re heading to the bar. Tom is coming. It’s about time you pick up a woman.”
“Don’t worry about my sex life, Colton. I never ask you about yours.”
“Because you know I have one,” I teased. “Isn’t that crazy? I’m the stud, and you’re the one sleeping alone.”
He slowly turned toward me, the fire in his eyes. “When are you moving out?”
I chuckled. “In a few more weeks. Just need to get another paycheck.”
“If I give you the money, will you leave now?” he asked, dead serious.
“You know I don’t take charity.”
“It’s not charity,” he said. “It’s a threat.”
I looked away from my brother, knowing it was easy to ignite his sarcastic wrath. “I thought having a dog would make this place dirty and covered in hair, but it’s super clean. Whoever said pets were dirty was full of it.”
Finn turned back to the TV, one arm hanging over the back of the couch. “Because I clean it, idiot.”
“Every day?” I asked incredulously.
He nodded. “I can’t stand a dirty home.”
“I guess that makes more sense. So, you want to come with us or not?”
“Sure. But are you just inviting me so you have a ride?”
“Psh, no. I’ve got a man for that now. When we met, the first thing I asked him was if he had a car.”
Finn turned to me, his eyebrow raised. “I really hope not.”
“Come on, I’m kidding. You know the first thing I asked was if he had a big package.”
Finn rose to his feet and, his dog followed him. “I’ll get dressed and meet you there.”
“Wait, you aren’t going to give me a ride?”
“Nope,” he said as he walked away. “Have your big-dick boyfriend pick you up.”<
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19
Pepper
I was just about to step out of my apartment when my phone vibrated with a text message from Finn. Choose your outfit wisely. If you look anything like you did last time, I’ll fuck you in the men’s bathroom. I stared at the message as the bumps formed up and down my arms. This man could pull off comments like that and make them so sexy. Even when they were controlling, possessive, and a little threatening, he still made it work.
That’s romantic.
Romance is overrated. Fucking is not.
I stepped out of my apartment and locked the door.
“Hey, Pepper.”
I turned around to see Damon, who was dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants. “No big plans tonight?”
“What gave me away?” he said with a chuckle. “I’m glad I ran into you, actually. I’m moving out of the apartment.”
“What? You are?” He’d just moved in a few months ago. He was already leaving? “Why?”
“I’ve decided I need a new start. My ex and I have the same mutual friends, and it seems like I can’t escape her. I got a job offer in California, so I’m relocating. I’m not a big fan of perpetual rain, so it works for me.”
“Wow…” That was a lot of information to process in the hallway. “Well…I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. I’ll be gone by the end of the week.”
That meant the apartment would be available again, and Colton could move back in. But if he lived across the hall from me, it would be impossible to sneak around with Finn. Colton would wonder where I went every weekend and most weekday nights. He would basically have full surveillance on the place. But if I didn’t mention the apartment was available, and someone else moved in, he would wonder why I didn’t tell him…and that would start a series of questions. “I wish you the best of luck.”
“Thanks. And good luck to you too.” He gave me a hug before he entered his apartment.
I left my building and took a cab to the bar. I wore a black dress with matching pumps. It had a deep neckline, the kind that forced me to tape my nipples. I hadn’t known Finn was going to join us, and now that I did, I was grateful for my choice of outfit.