Kamikaze Boys

by Jay Bell

  Connor needed to know. David liked him and wanted to be friends, but they couldn’t be until the air was cleared. Being gay didn’t define who David was, but it was still a part of his life, and he couldn’t be friends with anyone who didn’t accept that aspect of him. Hopefully Connor’s experience of being treated differently would make him more receptive. If not, well … it would hurt, but that was a risk he would have to take.

  “Connor, I need to tell you something.” David spun around.

  Connor was holding the yearbook, still open to where David had left it, and staring at the tiny thumbnail image of himself. Thank god he was distracted, because David could feel his face burning. The yearbook was carefully shut and set back down on the bed. Connor looked up, eyes intense. At first David thought they were crazy again because they practically hummed with energy, but no, this was something different.

  Then Connor stepped toward him, reached out, and placed his hand on the back of David’s neck. That was it. He just stood there, staring into David’s eyes. At first David couldn’t concentrate—too many worries muddling his thoughts, too many explanations desperate to burble forth as his body buzzed with panic.

  But David’s heart was brave. He stepped forward, bridging the gap, and pressed his lips against Connor’s. His eyes were squeezed shut against the explosion of anger that would come if he was wrong. Arms tense at his sides, he shook from fear, excitement, hormones—everything! Connor’s body came closer, an arm wrapping around David’s waist, the hand still warm on his neck. David relaxed. He was about to place his hand on Connor’s chest when the contact between them broke.

  When Connor stepped back, only the hand on David’s neck remained, their eyes searching each other’s faces.

  Connor grinned wildly. “That’s what we both wanted, right?”

  David struggled to find his voice. “Yeah.”

  Connor nodded before he let go of David. “Good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Why are you leaving?” David blurted out. “I don’t want you to go.”

  Connor licked his lips, and for a moment he looked ready to pounce. “I want to do this right. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you, right? We’re both stuck in Kansas.”

  David’s laugh was almost a sigh. “That’s for sure.”

  Connor winked. “Tomorrow then.”

  Like a thief, Connor slipped out through the window and was gone. David listened until he heard the sound of an old engine grumble into life and fade away. Then he sat on the bed and waited, just in case Connor changed his mind. Head spinning, he tried to imagine what life was going to be like now. He had always wanted this, but figured college would be his earliest chance, and that was still more than a year away.

  Half an hour later, David decided that Connor wasn’t coming back. He closed the window, shut the blinds, and opened the yearbook again. Tomorrow couldn’t come quickly enough, and as David unbuttoned his jeans, he decided that he couldn’t either.

  * * * * *

  Connor shifted uncomfortably in the driver’s seat on the way home, wishing his stupid erection would go away. He was half-tempted to whip it out and deal with it as he drove, but seeing through a paint-blurred windshield made driving dangerous enough. Besides, he wouldn’t be surprised to get pulled over, considering how terrible his car looked, so he turned his mind to a subject guaranteed to turn him off—his first time.

  He had been sixteen, David’s age probably, when he had started using gay chat rooms. At first Connor would just sit there, reading the lewd comments or over-the-top jokes but not contributing. His user name, MrNobody92, didn’t exactly inspire people to private message him, but eventually someone did.

  Chatting openly about being gay and finding other guys attractive had been exhilarating at first. Connor never had that before. His sexuality wasn’t a secret, but he didn’t have any friends to confide in, and talking about it with his family sounded gross. Besides, his mother had enough to deal with, and his father never came down from his opiate-induced high. So Connor had poured his heart out to this stranger and felt, quite stupidly in retrospect, that he was in love before ever having met the man.

  This was remedied less than a week later. He met Victor at McDonald’s—the very same one he would end up working at—trying to be smart by keeping their encounter public so nothing could go wrong. By the end of the meal, he agreed to go to a movie with Victor.

  The guy wasn’t really his type. Victor was twenty-three, which seemed pretty old to Connor at the time. He had a light beard Connor didn’t like, but he did have a nice lanky frame. Connor couldn’t remember a thing about the movie. Victor had held his hand, later stroking his arm and rubbing his thigh. To Connor the experience had been life-changing—another man, touching him and allowing himself to be touched in return.

  After the film, Victor suggested they go back to his apartment. His caution abandoned, Connor eagerly agreed. They had a couple of beers, but this wasn’t Connor’s first time with alcohol, and his head was clear enough to know what he wanted. The beer simply made it easier to admit.

  Soon Victor was undressing him, eyeing him in a way that made Connor feel attractive. The sex wasn’t great. Connor felt like he was doing everything wrong, and once Victor came, he was no longer interested. But Connor figured it was just their first time, that they would have other chances.

  The next morning, Victor was distant and defensive. He obsessed over Connor’s age, saying that the beer had impaired his judgment. Connor reassured him that everything was fine, that he wouldn’t tell anyone and had enjoyed himself. Victor thanked him, and Connor thought everything was going to be okay. That was the last he ever heard from Victor.

  Connor wasn’t heartbroken, not exactly, but knowing his first time had been with someone unimportant, someone he had known for all of six hours, took the shine off the memories. Now Connor looked back on the experience with disgust.

  He tried a few more times after that, meeting other guys online and being more cautious with his emotions. He soon realized that these men were also just looking for a hookup. Connor began lying about his age and experience, and for some reason this made them more honest about what they wanted. Connor only slept with a few other guys, simply because they were hot and Connor was horny, and that had been it.

  Still, he remembered that feeling in the movie theater, as if the fantasy world he had always dreamed of had suddenly become real. Everything had been possible in that moment, even if nothing had come of it. David had probably felt that tonight. Connor was sure that the kiss, clumsy and uncertain, had been David’s first. Not that Connor hadn’t enjoyed every second of it. Right now David was probably floating on blissful cloud of limitless potential, and Connor intended to keep him there as long as possible. He wouldn’t let David rush in and do anything he regretted. If Connor was lucky, maybe David could help him get back to a place he thought lost forever.

  Chapter Six

  When Connor entered his bedroom the next morning, towel wrapped around his waist and a trail of wet footprints behind him, the phone on his dresser buzzed with a text message. He had a good idea who that might be. After all, he had just been thinking of David while in the shower. The goofy grin slipped off his face when he saw it was from Riley. Since when did she have his number?

  Mike pissed u missed work. Sez u have 2 work a dbl. -Riley

  Connor swore, loudly. Luckily Tommy wasn’t in the room. No way was he working a double shift. He would go in, do his eight hours, and meet David once he was cleaned up again. His message to Riley was short and sweet.

  WTF?

  Her response came shortly after.

  M says dbl or fired. So gay!

  Mike had been looking for an excuse to fire him for months now. Connor was clueless as to why. Maybe Mike had heard the rumors and taken it upon himself to punish Connor. Or maybe he was just an asshole.

  Fine.

  Connor tossed the phone on the bed, trying not to punch something. Then he got dress
ed. An extra shift would bring Connor right up to midnight, and no doubt he would be expected to close. So no date with David, all because Mike wanted to make his life hell.

  Connor sat on the bed and tried to get his emotions under control. Once he was as calm as he was going to get, he picked up the phone and called David.

  “Connor! Hi!”

  David sounded ridiculously excited, which made the news all the harder to deliver.

  “Bad news. I have to work a double shift today.”

  “Oh. That’s okay. What time do you get off?”

  “Probably about one in the morning.”

  “Oh.” David’s tone remained upbeat. “You could still come by. I’ll stay up. Or I could come visit you.”

  Connor grimaced. “Please don’t. Working there is bad enough without you seeing me in a McDonald’s uniform.” He tried to laugh, but it sounded hollow. “Afterwards I’m going to be tired.” And smell, and feel anything but sexy and confident.

  “Okay.” There was a pregnant pause. “I understand.”

  Shit. Now David thought he was getting the brush-off, that their kiss last night had been a fluke. Forget his pride or how self-conscious he might feel. David needed to know that Connor was for real.

  “If you’re still going to be up,” Connor said, “I’ll come by, just for a little while.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I have to get my goodnight kiss, right? Just don’t fall asleep on me.”

  David laughed nervously. “I’ll stay awake.”

  Connor said goodbye and hung up. Screw Mike. He could make Connor work, but he couldn’t take away how David made him feel.

  “A double shift!” his mother said as she shoveled more pancakes onto his plate. “I think you’re the only person in the world who has a job worse than mine.”

  “What can you do?” Connor grabbed the syrup and poured a small lake. He loved having his mom home. She brought everything together, even forcing Dad to wake up at a decent time and sit at the table instead of in front of the television. Sure, he was dozing off, but at least he was there. Tommy was too, playing a Game Boy he had found at a garage sale that was probably ten years his senior.

  “I’m back on the early shift,” his mom said as she sat. She looked tired, as she always did, but still good for her age. Her figure was well maintained, mostly from not having time to eat, and her hair still had natural blonde highlights. Connor wondered if his would get that dark when he was older.

  “Does this mean you’ll be picking up Tommy from school again?”

  She nodded. “There’s a new nurse on the nightshift I trained last week, and as long as he doesn’t turn out to be another pill thief, things should be back to normal.”

  Back to normal meant his mother breaking her back running a nursing home while making the same amount as the new nurse they hired. The former manager of the nursing home had quit more than a year ago, Connor’s mother named acting manager. She had been promised this designation was temporary, that the position would be given to her permanently, but all corporate had done since was make excuses. Obviously upper management had realized they could pay a nurse to do a manager’s job and get away with it.

  His mother tisked. “Stop clenching your jaw or you’ll break a tooth.” She patted his arm. “If they don’t give me the position by summer, I’ll start looking.”

  She had said the same about spring. Connor glanced at his father, who was poking at his pancakes without interest. Didn’t he have any opinions about this? Or had his feelings for them been permanently numbed by pills? Sometimes Connor wanted to freak out, shake his father and yell at him to get his shit together. But then Connor often felt pissed off lately. The older he got, the more injustice he saw. So much of it was on a small scale, affecting the little people who were too tired, poor, or uneducated to fight back.

  His mood stayed foul through most of his first shift. Riley tried making small talk, Connor only grunting in reply. Mike came in when the second shift began, which didn’t help improve his mood, the thought that he should be out with David infuriating him. Connor nearly quit, leaving it all behind just to reclaim that time with David, but he couldn’t. Graduation was coming, the end of high school, which would have been a huge relief if Connor had solid plans for the future. College was too expensive, so he needed a real job. McDonald’s wasn’t it, and he had no idea what would be. What he did know was that he needed money and had started saving up a year ago. Anything that wasn’t spent on gas, his car, or helping mom pay the bills went into savings. That didn’t leave much, but it was better than nothing.

  “Williams, number three!”

  “Yes, sir!” Time to make Mike’s burger, complete with secret sauce.

  “Two shifts, two loogies,” he whispered to Riley at the dressing station.

  She squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to watch. Connor didn’t blame her. The food here was enough to turn his stomach, even without his added ingredient.

  The evening was surprisingly slow for a Saturday, Connor doing everything he could to clean in advance so closing would go quickly.

  “Dish duty,” Riley said, sidling up to him. “How fun.”

  “Yeah.” Connor finished rinsing the trays with the industrial strength sprayer. “Hey, shouldn’t you have been off hours ago?”

  Riley pulled the edge of her shirt coyly, stretching the fabric tight over her breasts before answering. “Just working some overtime, earning extra cash.”

  “Cool.” Connor busied himself with straightening up the sink. He could feel what was coming, like the pressure before a thunderstorm.

  “So what are you doing with the rest of the night? Not that there’s much left of it.” Riley laughed awkwardly before clearing her throat.

  “I have a date,” Connor said. Time to nip this in the bud, but he wanted to minimize the damage and let Riley know there wasn’t another woman. “Well, not a real date because it’s too late for that, but I promised him I’d drop by anyway.”

  “Him?” Riley’s laugh was short lived. “Wait, seriously?”

  Connor gave her a friendly smile. “Yeah. I dig guys.”

  “Oh. Okay. Just guys?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s cool.”

  But she didn’t sound like she thought it was cool and soon wandered away. Connor figured she needed time to adjust to the idea. Only when he had finished the dishes did he realize that she had clocked out and left.

  Connor busted his ass the rest of the night. At half-past twelve, he and Mike were the last ones out. He was sure it was a record. Maybe that’s why Mike didn’t have some smart-ass comment as they closed up for the night. The doors were already locked, meaning he had to wait for Mike to let him out. He watched with disinterest as Mike punched in the alarm code--hiding the keypad as if this secret could launch nuclear warheads—before they both left. Mike pulled the door closed behind him. He did it wrong, as he always did. The latch didn’t click into place if you didn’t yank up on the doorknob, but Connor didn’t care.

  He jogged to his car, waited until Mike pulled out of the parking lot, and changed clothes inside his car. While he was shirtless he sprayed on some cologne he had swiped from his dad. He thought about smoking a cigarette, just to help cover up the grease smell, but resisted. Instead he chewed a piece of gum, wishing it had nicotine in it.

  By the time he arrived at David’s place, all was forgotten. Riley, Mike, his mother’s crappy job, and the endless patties he had grilled—all gone. The only thoughts that remained were of David. Connor parked his car close to the back of the building and made his way down the narrow path to David’s window.

  The light was on, his breath quickening. He crouched down and saw David on his back, sprawled out on the bed. Connor could hear music, but couldn’t tell if David was listening with his eyes closed or sleeping. When he tapped on the window, David didn’t respond. Connor knew what he would do—he would push open the window, crawl into the room, and lay down next
to David. Then Connor would wake him with a kiss, but this time he wouldn’t hold back. He would take all the frustration he felt and transform it into passion, making David’s first time something he would never forget.

  Connor placed his fingers on the window and slid it to the right, trying to be quiet, but the glass juddered noisily in the frame. David started and sat up, looking confused and then embarrassed before rushing to open the window the rest of the way.

  “Sorry,” he whispered. “Dozed off. Can we go for a quick walk? I’m worried my dad will hear us talking.”

  Connor’s fantasy disappeared, but he didn’t mind. He was with David, and that’s all he really wanted. He helped David climb out the window, and once they were both on their feet, there was an awkward moment of expectation. Connor knew the cure for that. He leaned forward and kissed David, lightly and teasingly, before he took his hand and led him down the path.

  “Where do you want to go?” Connor said.

  Leaves crunched beneath their feet as David considered. “There’s a playground not far away.”

  Connor grinned. “Okay.”

  David took the lead once they were out in the street, guiding them to the subdivision entrance and continuing past it. There, next to a community pool, was a swing set and a small jungle gym. Connor sat on one of the swings, the kind with the floppy rubber seat, and lazily twisted back and forth. David took the other, leaning his head against one of the chains while watching him.

  “How long have you known?” he asked.

  Connor considered the question. “About me or about you?”

  “Both.”

  “Well, I wasn’t completely sure you were gay until you kissed me.”