Good grief.
Phoned Rosie. “Rosie.”
“Hubble bubble toil and pants.”
“Rosie, this is serious. I just spoke to Masimo and you know you were asking me about the is-he-my-boyfriend scenario?”
“Sí.”
“Well, he asked me out on Saturday and then he said that if I wanted to see him before then he is going to “Late and Live” with the gang and Lindsay.”
“Crikey.”
9:30 p.m.
Phoned all of the gang and now I am really really teetering on the brink of bewildermentosity. I may be driven to talk to my mum again.
9:40 p.m.
I can’t get the picture of her in the nuddy-pants out of my head.
I have managed to superimpose a pair of all-encompassing overalls on the mental image of my vati vis-à-vis the bathroom scenario.
But I can’t do it with Mum because bits of her basoomas keep reemerging from anything I camouflage her with. Very like in real life.
10:30 p.m.
As it happened she came up to the bedroom to say good night anyway.
As she was at the door I said, “Mum, if I tell you something will you promise not to come over all mumish?”
She said, “I’ll try. What’s going on?”
I told her about the snogging; well, a bit, I skated over the details; well, in fact, I said “it was a really nice night and he kissed me good night.”
I didn’t go into the tongues and so on. Then I told her about him phoning me and asking me out again and then the Lindsay bit.
She sat down on the bed.
“Hmm. That is tricky, isn’t it? I mean, she could be just another mate, he doesn’t know a lot of people yet, does he? Or maybe he doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea about him being a serious boyfriend.”
Oh buggery bum.
Then she thought a bit and said, “Do you know what I think? You have to decide what you want, ask for it and either get it or if he doesn’t want the same thing as you, you have to accept it. Life is for the brave.”
After she had gone I lay in the dark and thought about what she had said.
It was sort of what Jazzy Spazzy had said, even though she went on about the nose disguise shop. Even Dave the Laugh had said more or less the same thing.
Yes, well, that was it. Ask for what I want and Devil take the hindmost. Good.
midnight
Yes, but what do I want?
thursday june 16th
stalag 14
Love hell.
Wet Lindsay seemed to be everywhere I look today, adjusting her thong. I am sure she is looking at me as well. I wonder if she knows about me and Masimo? He must be in contact with her, otherwise how would he know that she is going to “Late and Live”? Also he gave her a lift home the other day. And how do I know how often he sees her anyway?
german
Even Herr Kamyer sitting on his glasses and then not being able to find them because they were stuck on his bottom couldn’t cheer me up.
I have to make a decision. I can’t go on like this.
break
Jas is quite literally on Cloud Nine. On and on about Tom. I wanted to spoil it for her somehow. When she had started skipping again (I am not joking, I wish I was) and going “Oh, I am soooooo happy,” I said, “So are you going to MARRY Hunky and never go out with anyone ever again? For the next fifty years?”
Jas said, “Well, if you found the right person, what would be the point of going out with anyone else?”
I said, “Because he might not BE the right person, you might only THINK he was the right person.”
“I do think Tom is the right person.”
“Yeah, but he might not be.”
“Yeah, but he is.”
“Yes, but he might not be.”
“But he is.”
We could have done that for several hours.
7:30 p.m.
Anyway, I am not going to go to “Late and Live” tonight. The fact is that I am not really brave and sophisticated and a glacial minxy. If I saw Masimo getting off with Lindsay, or anyone else for that matter, I wouldn’t like it A LOT. And that is a fact. I am a bit of a jelloid person and I want someone to like me as much as I like them.
And I do like Masimo.
Mooning around. It’s 9:00 P.M. and they will be all at “Late and Live” now. Ooohhhh. I can’t stand this.
9:30 p.m.
I can’t even speak to Hornmeister Dave because he said that odd thing the other day on the way home. Surely he isn’t serious, about me and him. I mean I really really like him. A LOT and he does make me laugh but…ooohhhh God! It is all quite literally giving me the Cosmic droop.
9:40 p.m.
Went down into the front room. Angus and Gordy were grooming each other. They were both licking each other’s heads with their tongues. Ahh, how vair sweet. They loved each other despite everything. Love conquers all. Look at Kathee and Heathcliff in Wuthering Pants and Jane Eyre and Rochester in Jane’s Pants and so on.
Just then Gordy licked Angus’s fur the wrong way and Angus biffed him so hard he flew straight off the sofa and into the wastepaper basket.
Vati is out with his lad’s army. They have taken up roller skating now and go to this roller dome place where other complete prats career around injuring themselves.
I said to Mum, “I am convinced there is a book called How to Be the Most Embarrassing Dad in History, and it has hints like ‘Grow an amusing novelty mustache,’ ‘Wear leather trousers,’ ‘Talk bollocks in front of your teenage daughter’s friends,’ ‘Pretend to be Il Ministrone,’ ‘Adopt a hobby—roller skating or clown-car racing are particularly good.’”
Anyway, I slumped down on the sofa and Angus got on my knee and started doing that kneading thing they do to make you all comfy. For them. I am like a human bean bag to him. Mum came and sat next to me. She even touched my arm. I let her though because I am too tired to do anything about it.
She said, “You know what you were asking me last night? Well, this is what I think…. I think you are not a two-timey sort of person, really. It makes you anxious and upset and hell to be with, frankly. Soooo…even though you might be with a person only for a bit, I think you should take that bit seriously so that you act nicely and get the best out of it. And if you have to say good-bye or they have to say good-bye some time, well that is life, and good training for you both for when the right person comes along.”
Blimey.
That was almost full of wisdomosity. If I could figure out what in the name of arse she was on about.
I said, “Let me get this, you think I should tell Masimo that I want to be like a girlfriend and boyfriend, and if he doesn’t want to then I should probably not see him?”
She nodded.
Crikey, this is all a bit radical.
I liked it when I was led around by the Horn.
When did this acting with maturiosity happen?
friday june 17th
school
Wet Lindsay was unbearable today. I am sure she is stalking me. Everywhere I went, there she was. I went into the canteen and was sitting there minding my own business looking through my MacUseless script when she came in with ADM. and another complete loser called Rowena. There were loads of spare chairs to sit on, but oh no, they had to come and sit on the table next to me. Lindsay looked at me like I was a snot creature having my snot lunch. Then they started talking. Lindsay said, “It was groovy last night, wasn’t it? I think it is such a cool venue, and there is an older crowd so you don’t get all the crap dancing and useless behavior. I’m tired again though, it’s such a late night midweek and Mas is, you know, well, you know what he is like. Italians, eh???”
And she laughed sort of knowingly and they all joined in.
I couldn’t stand this. I got up and walked off.
I wonder if I could just kill her accidentally.
4:10 p.m.
I was waiting at the gate for Jas. She was still
dithering around in the loos doing her lippy.
Tom came to meet Jas after school and it was really really nice to see him. He does look a lot like his brother.
He hugged me.
“Georgie, how are you? Beyond groovy to see you.”
He snogged Jas when she came puffing up. She must have spent the last class doing her fringe because it looked very nearly normal.
We walked along together. Jas was all over him like a rash. It was vair nice to have him back. He told us all about Kiwi-a-gogo land.
“When you leave they don’t say ‘good-bye,’ they say ‘hurrah.’”
I said, “That seems a bit rude.”
Tom said, “I rest my case. I did have a great time, though. We did loads of water sports. Surfing and white water rafting. There is an amazing range of flora and fauna there.”
I looked at him. He laughed.
“No, perhaps I won’t tell you about the wombats. Robbie sends you his love, he said he hadn’t heard from you. And he would really like it if you would write back.”
Jas looked at me in a “I told you so” way. I hope she is not going to be even more of Wise Woman of the Forest now that Hunky is back; it is the last thing I need. There was a bit of an akward pause. Then Tom said, “Look, Georgia, Robbie is my brother and I love him.”
(Hang on, what is going on with blokes? Mincing on about their feelings. There is none of this stuff in the Men Are from Knobland, Women Are from Pink Frilly Land book.)
Tom saw my face and said, “No, Georgia, I am not on the turn. What I mean is, he left you and you can do anything you like. All I am doing is passing on a message. Anyway, I hear there have been developments on the Italian Stallion front.”
Radio Jas pretended to be checking her bag.
5:00 p.m.
Jas and Tom left me at Jas’s gate and walked up her path with their arms around each other. I felt a bit lonely for my pal. Now that Tom was back I wouldn’t have her to myself anymore and I thought about the times in Hamburger-a-gogo land and the bison-horns-nuddy-pants scenario.
Rosie had Sven. Even Mabs seems to be keen on Tossers’s mate, Jools sort of has Rollo and even Ellen is keen on one of the backstage MacUseless people. I was beginning to be a spinster of the parish.
5:10 p.m.
I wandered off lonely as a clud once more, and as I walked along I got my mirror out of my havvy and looked in it. OK, I wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the world but I had a nice face (ish) and Masimo had said he liked my eyes. Mind you, who knows what he had said to Lindsay, surely not “Oh, caro, you have the biensimmo tiny forehead.” I put on a bit of lippy and mascara and eyeliner. I would do a bit of hip waggling and flicky hair to cheer myself up. Amazingly, almost immediately a boy leaned out of a car window and went, “Niiiiiice.”
Crikey, a bit of lippy and hip waggling and you could rule boyworld. How vair vair superficial they were. On the other hand, I liked a good-looking boy myself, and I liked nice hair and I liked Masimo’s clothes and scooter. I wouldn’t like him just for that though.
Everything is vair vair confusing.
5:20 p.m.
I was crossing the road for home when Masimo sped round the corner on his scooter and came to a halt next to me.
He got off and took his helmet off quickly. He didn’t say anything; he just came over to me and snogged me. A proper No. 5. There in the middle of the street. Oscar and his mates were slouching along trailing their ruckies on the ground, walking backward and shouting, the usual boy stuff. When they saw Masimo snog me they all went, “Come on, my son, get in there!”
And so on. Sensationally mad.
Masimo didn’t even notice them. He stopped kissing me and held me at arms’ length.
“You didn’t come last night. I missed you.”
I felt all flustered and red and before I could think I blurted out, “Did you? Why? Wasn’t Lindsay enough for you?”
Masimo sat down on his scooter seat.
“Georgia, tell me what is all this.”
So I blabbed everything out. Things I didn’t even know I was going to say. In other words, rubbish probably. Anyway I told him that I wasn’t cut out for callous sophisticosity.
“I know that Dave the Laugh says that we are young and we hear the call of the Horn, and it is true, but I would give up the Horn to see how I felt properly.”
Masimo looked a bit puzzled.
“The Horn?”
“You know, like red bottomsity.”
“Red bottomosity.”
“You know, when you said you had been burned in the oven of life and you just wanted to live in Fun City. But I don’t want to live in Fun City. Well, I do. But not with anyone, just with…anyway. That’s what I mean.”
Masimo laughed. Crikey, he had a nice laugh.
“Oh, now I see, Signorina Georgia. You are saying you would like me to be your boyfriend.”
Blimey.
Now he had said it.
I went all red and stupid.
“Well. I suppose, yes I am. I’m sorry.”
He was just looking down at the ground.
Oh God, what had I done?
I tell you what I had done, I had listened to my stupid mother, who hadn’t spoken a word of sense since Henry VII was alive. I had listened to someone who couldn’t control her breasts. Ohgodohgodohgoddygod. I was a fool.
I had to say something because Masimo was so quiet.
I said, “Look, look forget it. I am sorry, mi dispiago. I, well…it’s just me, and you were not even thinking about…oh look, please forget what I said. I just can’t do casualosity. It must be something in my genes.”
Masimo did look up then.
“You have something in your jeans?”
“No. Look, oh blimey, I had better go. I have a bath to fill and a bottle of gin to buy.”
I was about to start crying, I knew it, so I started to cross the road. And Masimo was just sitting there not saying anything.
I got into my house and just leant against the door, shaking. What had I done???
Angus and Gordy were sitting on the top of the bedroom stairs looking at me. Then they went back to their very important cat tasks. Angus was biffing something around with his paw, a poor little woodland creature, and Gordy had a spider or something. I knew what it felt like to be biffed around by the big furry paw of fate.
in my room
Oh goddy god’s panties.
The letter from S.G. was still on my dressing table where I had left it.
Another reminder of someone else I had lost. Why did he have to write to me now? I looked at his picture. Did he have to be so gorgey even when I was eschewing him with a firm hand and had put him in the basket of yesterday? Why was I even bothered? I suppose it was because he was my first true love. Ohhhbooo. I will NOT cry. Why did all this happen to me; had I really been a wasp like Jas said?
five minutes later
They say you always remember your first snog. And that is what he was. I was a snogging virgin until he came along with his guitar plucking.
two minutes later
Well, he was my first PROPER snog. No one could be expected to count whelk boy, unless you were some kind of pervert who liked mollusks.
one minute later
I wonder where the S.G.’s tape is that he made for me when I came back from Froggyland.
I think I put it at the back of my top drawer out of Libby’s reach, with my boy entrancers and special-occasion knickers.
two minutes later
I’ve found the tape, but where are my boy entrancers and special-occasion knickers? Dad’s probably borrowed them.
one minute later
Put Robbie’s tape on. I am full of nervosity because I do not want to be on the rack of love for him again. I am already on one rack.
three minutes later
“Oh No, It's Me Again” about Vincent van Gogh remains the most depressing song ever written. S.G. was not tip-top on the hilariosity front. Gorgey, thou
gh.
How full of confusiosity life is.
two minutes later
Looking out of my window at the empty streets of life. Why does nothing ever go right for me? I could see Mr. Next Door gardening in his enormous shorts. He could have a small African nation in them and you would never know. But he has Mrs. Next Door to love him, shorts and all. And does he ever go looking for another Mrs. Next Door? No, he does not. He has big enough shorts to accommodate big red-bottomosity, but he does not use them. Then I saw Mark Big Gob coming up the street with his lardy mates and with his arm around yet another tiny girl. Why does he like teeny tiny girls?
More to the point, why do they like him?
How could anyone in their right mind snog him?
one minute later
Hang on a minute!!! Erlack, I’d managed to forget about him resting his hand on my basooma. Get out of my brain!!!!
four minutes later
Oh Masimo, what have I done? Why did I listen to my stupid mother? I never normally do. She may have ruined my future happiness with her “just be yourself” bollocks. Dave the Laugh warned me, he said that you had just come out of a serious relationship and only wanted to have fun. Why can’t I just live in Fun City and not be bothered about
“Being Really Me” city? What does Dave the sodding Laugh know about it anyway? He has just finished with Rachel, and before that he dumped Ellen. He is a serial heartbreaker.
Although he hasn’t broken my heart yet.
In fact, he has only ever been a bit mean to me when I used him as my red herring to attract the Sex God.
How many times have I accidentally snogged him? He is a good snogger, it has to be said.
three minutes later
What did he mean about me and him? He is just my mate. And occasional snog buddy.
Ohhhh, I will never be happy again.
Or eat again.
one minute later
Not that there ever is anything to eat in this place anyway.
in the kitchen
Oh joy unbounded, there is a bit of leftover cold sausage!!! What did Dave the Laugh say that really made me laugh when we were doing the battle scene in MacUseless? Oh, I know. He was waving a sword around (very nearly cutting off Melanie Griffiths' nungas) and shouting, “Pants, pants!!! My kingdom for some pants!!!”
Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers Page 16