by Thuy Rocco
here I step on so many lives
and crucify them to my organic leather heels
And take them away
from their green giants
and they squirm and wiggle,
blind they are,
where a shoe print was made
by me:
there, lies half a worm.
Chapter 7
Recipe for Surviving
A lot of people tell me that I have had a tragic life, because I have lost so many things close to me, but I do not think of it like that. I feel I have died and have been given life twice. Seeing death in myself and in those I have loved made me realize that life is fragile—that I must clutch what I have firmly in my two hands and not let life slip away. I also learned to accept death as a natural part of life, but since death is mysterious to me and to many people, I give my all to those I love in my life because that is what I know and see in front of me. I live for my family, my friends, my community, and my humanity.
Everything is important
No matter what you are going through, recognize and accept that it is valuable and significant. No one but you will ever know the depth of this feeling.
Give Help
I reminisce about the people who helped my family: the two elderly ladies at the daycare center who brought trash bags full of clothing every month; the food bank that gave us powdered milk, cereal, and canned foods; and the welfare system that provided my mom with food stamps. It was people like that who made me realize one person’s benevolence can touch the lives of thousands. Kindness is unforgettable for those who express it and for those who receive it, and gratitude is infinite.
When you are okay with having nothing, giving becomes exponential.
Convert your energy
Negative energy can be used to create great things: volunteering, spirituality, music, art, dance, and novels.
In high school I volunteered for the Red Cross at the Nashville Health Center, a nursing home. And it was a ninety-two-year-old lady who changed not only my life, but also my understanding of the human heart. She would never let me help her in any way, whether it was getting out of bed, walking to the bathroom, or folding her clothes. One day, I was determined to help her tape a poster up on the wall and she said to me, “I don’t want your pity!”
I think the worst thing in the world is for a person to do things out of pity, even though I was very sincere in wanting to help her. When she began telling me stories about her husband who passed away, her life during the Depression, and her travels, I realized that she just wanted to talk. So every day we would exchange stories and sing oldies with my portable keyboard until the nurses kicked me out. When my high school days came to an end, I knew it was time to say goodbye to Ms. Graham. She had made a pillow in a crafts activity at the nursing center to give to me, but I could not take it because the Red Cross had explicit policies on receiving gifts. Ms. Graham was very angry at my refusal. She said something that I will remember for the rest of my life: “Don’t you realize that you are my friend! And if you have a heart, you shouldn’t listen to other people who do not know us! Take my pillow. It is not a gift; it is because I care!”
Love in the cracks
Even in the darkest moments, love seeps through and finds me. When I think that no one loves me or that I am all alone with my problems, I relive all my happiest memories. I keep a top ten list in my head to rewind and replay:
1.My childhood picnic (the few vacations we had)
2.My family’s Vietnamese feast. We always had the best food.
3.Biking endlessly through the neighborhoods
4.My teacher telling me I was really smart
5.Working with my mom in Belle Meade at Ms. Sing’s house
6.Fishing with my family
7.Swimming in the lake with my family
8.Singing karaoke
9.Pretending to have E.T. TV shows with my brothers
10. Getting my first keyboard
Okay, cry
Let the emotional floodgates open and let the rain come down. It’s okay to be sensitive. It’s okay to cry for a reason or no reason. Let it out. There was no way I could survive by tucking every single thought and emotion away. I cried in closets, in public. Express your depression and then let it go free.
Live, Alive
Always choose to live and be alive. Always look for the way out and the way to being yourself. Let yourself walk in the darkness, but run forward when you see the rays of light.
Lean On
It’s okay to lean on someone or something and hold on to them for dear life. As a child, I would talk to Jesus like he was my best friend. I felt that God was everywhere. I did not have to find Him in church; I think He even told me that fancy churches were the last places He would be.
It doesn’t matter what you believe in. Find something to rest your head on or to hug closely to your heart.
I had a German Shepherd dog that protected me. He was the best escape artist: he could climb fences, open padlocked chains somehow, and jump over six-foot fences. He was so aggressive that my dad decided to release him into the “wild,” which was about twenty-five miles away next to a dam. About three days later, he found our house and brought back a giant deer head. I would sit with him and talk to him about everything. He was my protector and a great listener.
I had an imaginary friend named Freddy, who was a seven-foot cockroach. I would joke about him to my friends and the thought would scare them, but I did have great times with him until I fell in love with E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. The movie represented a lot of the alienation that I felt growing up. I would look into the skies all the time and wonder where home really was. I took my E.T. toy to college. Even as I type these words, I still think of him. He is sitting on a shelf in my old bedroom. I didn’t have friends because of the language barrier, bullies, and racism. I created my friends with my imagination.
Remove Negativity
Not every story has a happy ending. It’s okay to let go of negative things and people. I was raised in a culture that just accepted and bowed to whatever was bestowed, but I have since accepted some individualistic and “selfish” leanings, so I can continue to survive and not lose my mind over what others say or do to me. I believe that shielding myself from situations and from people who continue to beat me down gives me a sense of peace and ease. I can breathe a lot easier. Sometimes these people are close friends and family, which hurts my heart. However, my love for those people is alive in my heart. I choose to keep my distance to protect myself from further harm, so I can continue to smile and be happy for my family and me. I can only balance so much negativity.
Surviving means cutting some ties but also making strong bonds to those who lift your spirits, support you, and inspire you.
Share your story
Human beings do things for a sense of purpose. We care for our friends, for our friends give us care, love, and friendship. The ultimate citizenship is making a new friend from a stranger. We all face some sort of danger or risk every single day; extending our trust is one of the biggest and most valuable. The most priceless extension of human sympathy is giving someone what they have never had before.
We are all ordinary people, striving to live our everyday life with happiness and satisfaction. The most wonderful human trait is the human story. When people share their ordinary self and the simple things of life, they give something extraordinary by connecting with another human being. Some of the voices in this world are quiet; silence is a song we all play and appreciate. Some of the voices in this world cry out so that others can hear their stories. With every voice that speaks, a dream awakens.
Fight
I admit that I have a lot of hate inside of me. Truthfully, a lot of hate for the people who hurt me. I have to fight that hate inside of me every day. When I see bullies, racism, sexual harassment, and all the things that I have lived through happening around me, I get very angry—almost PTSD-crazy angry—but I know I have t
o fight it or use it to do something good.
Sometimes we ask for rain and sometimes we ask for blue sky and sunshine. We all change our minds, but we cannot change our hearts so easily. When we all start feeling the injustice, the suffering, and the fear, we can begin to see our true nature. We must know that we cannot help others if we cannot help ourselves first. I think we all search for something in life, and we all want to do something to add meaning to our lives. I think life without the fight for love, for friendship, and for justice, is not a life worth living at all. Fight to protect, to defend, and most of all to be you.
Don’t Let Them Win
I was tortured by predators and bullies for most of my childhood, but I chose to be a kind person and to treat people respectfully. I did not seek revenge or try to hurt them back. Some of those bullies and predators have passed away and some of them now have families. This doesn’t mean forgive and forget. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s too late to tell someone or to report what happened to the police. It is not too late, even when people aren’t listening. Because silence lets them win. Inaction lets them have victory.
I am not looking for revenge, but there is a time for justice. A lot of people get away with hurting other people, but they only get away when we hide. We are victims, but we also have a voice. We can choose to say everything out loud.
Someone will listen and understand.
Powers Activate
Be physically active. Walk, jog, dance, run, sprint, exercise, whatever you can to get yourself moving. I have been doing all kinds of martial arts for over fifteen years. This keeps me mentally sharp and physically healthy. When I am depressed, I practice my martial arts form. When I am angry, I kick and punch the targets and bags as hard as I can. I physically throw out all of my sadness, depression, and anger. They will return, but I know I have another way of expressing them. I also found that I get to remove all the baggage when I enter the martial arts class. I meditate to clear my mind. When I see children laugh and smile in class, my heart starts to smile. I become calm again.
My Recipe, Your Recipe
Make a recipe that no one and no thing can destroy. I did not come this far to have moral certainty, but by keeping an open mind and an open heart, I keep my experiences and choices unlocked. As I have said before, I am finding answers along the way. I do not assume that I know the right or the wrong because that would mean I am limiting others and myself. But I do have a fundamental sense of morality that grows and changes as I share my life with people. I also feel I do not have the right to judge people and they do not have the right to judge me. My family’s customs, my religious beliefs, and my own values are always part of me, but I constantly immerse myself in the new and good. There is no set solution. Make your own ingredients to survive.
I miss waking up to the banging of pots and pans. My mom gets up at 3:00 a.m. and begins cooking the menu of the day. At our family table is where our tradition flourishes. We circle the table, smelling the scent of spices and garlic. Rice is served all day. We share our stories while we eat. In my country, it is a compliment to the chef to eat loudly. As I watch my family slurp, sip, and make all kinds of music, I fall into this natural state of happiness. We Vietnamese have lots of soups and noodles, and our love for food is as strong as our family bond. As we eat and laugh, we also remember the hard times. We cook out of love. I love cooking. My fingers dance as I wash the herbs, vegetables, and meat. Every chop and slice pulses a sweet melody. It is perfect—that is how I will continue to cook, and that is how I will pass our stories and tradition to my own family.
About the Author
Thuy Rocco is a storyteller, activist, martial artist, cuisinier, life-long learner, and teacher. She practices martial arts and loves teaching the young and old how to kick and punch (including her husband and son).