by Scott, S. L.
“This isn’t an attack,” Ruby says, reaching over and rubbing my arm. “We want you to be happy. That’s all we’ve ever wanted for you, Chlo.”
“It’s all you ever wanted but have you bothered to ask me what I want?”
Two pairs of eyes, unblinking, stare back at me before my mom’s start welling with tears. “I’m so sorry. We’ve behaved terribly. I thought . . .” Her profile is silhouetted by the bright lights on the other side of the window and remorse takes over her tone. “What I thought doesn’t matter. You do. If you’re happy, there’s nothing more I can want for you.”
Guilt sets in like it always does, and I reach over to touch her shoulder. “I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad. I only wanted you to know that I’m okay.” The alcohol is making my thoughts fuzzy and my tongue harried. I sit back to try to stop the spinning.
Ruby says, “I’m sorry, too.”
“I know you care about me, and I appreciate it. I just want to feel like I’m not failing someone for one night.”
Leaning her head on my shoulder, Ruby says, “You’re not failing us. I hate that we made you feel that way.” Wrapping her arms around me, she adds, “I’m in awe of you, Chlo. You’re the smartest person I know. Beautiful inside and out. You run an eight-minute mile on a bad day, and you still hold the title of favorite subject out of my photography career.”
She tilts her head back, and my mom leans forward. “You are the light and love of my life, Chloe.” Reaching across Ruby’s lap, she takes my hand in hers. “You’re brilliant, and I couldn’t be more proud of who you are and all you’ve done to make your dreams come true. And from now on, I will be the best grandparent that ever was to those plants.”
Ruby laughs. “You’re a grandplarent to that little bundle of grandplants.”
Honestly, I love them too much to keep fighting. “Fine, you won me over with the compliments.” I shrug. “I guess I’m easy like that.” I also know that they’ve always been in my corner. “This just got blown out of proportion because we’ve been drinking. I’m not mad at you guys. I’m mad at myself, and I don’t know why.” I owe them so much. They were the ones who bore the brunt of my pain back then. The tears that no longer came were replaced by silence that I mistakenly considered stoic. It wasn’t.
I’ll blame the drinks in the morning, but tonight, I want to cry. Since the tears won’t come, I shed them through a confession. “My head is throbbing, but you know what hurts worse? My heart.”
Closing my eyes, I cringe, waiting for the world to end. That’s the only logical reaction to me admitting that Joshua Evans still fills that little compartment of a heart that’s beating wildly in my chest.
I don’t die, though, and the world doesn’t end. They both lean over, and I lean in for a group hug. My mom says, “What can I do to help you?”
“Seeing him . . .” I get choked up thinking about Joshua. Saying his name feels too good but comes with so much pain. I suck in a jagged breath as she comes to mind—Lola. Red lips. Legs for days. The most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. She may be an innocent bystander, but I already hate her. “My heart still wants to love him.”
I throw the truth into the universe, hoping it doesn’t boomerang and take me down again.
At that moment of stifling silence, the car comes to a stop outside my building. I look up and then back to them, not making a move to leave. Even they don’t know what to say, but the worry is threaded through their expressions. My mom finally says, “Some part of it always will. You were never supposed to end that way.”
The words are a blatant reminder of what should have never happened. But I’ll never recover from the fact that Joshua and I were never supposed to end . . . at all.
I’m hit with a strong gust of wind, sobering me to the fact that I’m returning to an empty apartment where the only life that exists comes from my plants. I’m barely living, so I’m not sure that counts.
Sitting in the dark of my apartment with my back against the wall. I run my finger around the rim of a water glass. Looking up over my shoulder, Frankie and Hemsworth are enjoying the moonlight while I’m struck by a tidal wave of sadness. Like an old adversary, I remember it well. I lived with this feeling for years, unable to recall the life before it settled in my soul. I won’t give it freedom to regrow. No, that’s not a darkness where I want to live.
I get up and drain my glass before undressing and stepping into the shower, letting the water rain over me like the tears I used to cry.
When I drag my hand down my throat, the feel of his body wrapped around me is still so palpable. He caught me when I was falling . . . falling. I squeeze my eyes closed, wishing I could still feel his heartbeat against my side or hear the way he gulped so close to my ear.
I didn’t acknowledge how I felt protected, even cherished, in his arms, or how when I turned, the connection rushed my veins, and for those few seconds, I felt alive again. My knees went weak when he inhaled the scent of my hair as if he needed one last souvenir. As much as I want to forget how his hands on my body felt like he still loved me, I know better than to tangle my dreams in him again.
Joshua will always be my first love.
I just don’t have the energy to hold onto these feelings anymore. He’s moved past me. So maybe I need to give serious thought to what my mom and Ruby said. It was never a matter of filling holes he left behind. No. If I were to admit the truth, he’s still taking up space without paying rent.
It’s time to date. Maybe someone else can crowd him out from owning so much of my heart’s expanse.
The effects of alcohol are wearing off, and my mind clears. The only way to know if I can find a love that lasts a lifetime is by giving someone else a chance. That means instead of no, I need to start saying yes.
41
Chloe
“I’ve been dying to hear about your girls’ night out for weeks.” Julie sets her fork down, the metal clanging against the porcelain.
The nice weather had us choose a sidewalk café for our break. “It’s been a while since our schedules were in sync.”
“Tell me about it before you get a text and have to leave.”
I set my glass down after sipping the water. “I was set up. I thought it was a girls’ night in, but they had nefarious plans that included going out to a hot new restaurant. The only thing is they didn’t have reservations. It was still fun because we enjoyed the bar at Salvation instead. But let me tell you, we’re a bunch of lightweights and should have eaten more than a shared appetizer of poutine.”
Even though she’s met Joshua, there’s no need to mention him. Like Ruby, she’ll fixate on that one detail, and I’m not looking to relive that part of the night.
I take another bite of my salad when she says, “I heard that place is amazing, but yeah, you have to have connections to get a reservation or book way in advance. Good to know you could stay at the bar. Maybe I’ll see if Roger from admin can get me in. He loves to brag about his connections.”
“And he has a sweet spot for you.”
“I had sex with him—”
“What? When? I thought you didn’t like him.”
She shrugs unapologetically. “I blame the steak and wine. What can I say? He knows the way to this girl’s heart.”
Laughing, I say, “If it makes you happy.” I sound like two other people I know. Stuffed, I push my plate away and angle my face to enjoy the last bit of sunshine of the day. Looking back at her, I say, “It’s good to be outside.”
“Chloe? Chloe Fox. Wow, it’s really you.”
I look toward the sound of the male voice that’s fast approaching only to land on a face I never thought I’d see again. “Trevor?”
In a city of millions, Joshua Evans is literally served to me on a silver platter—three times. So Trevor League, sure. Why not? Though, I guess it isn’t that surprising since his family’s company is here in the city. But still . . .
Not looking much older than the last time I saw hi
m, he might have broader shoulders and his hair a shade darker blond than he used to be. He always did know how to wear a suit. As for his personality—that’s where we had issues.
Even so, I can’t hide the scrubs I’m wearing, and I don’t bother to fix the scrub cap hair. Suddenly anxious, I start flattening the wrinkled cotton anyway like it will make a difference. I’m not sure why his presence has me falling into a role I once abandoned.
He says, “My mom told me you were working in the city.”
“Yes, at City Medical a few blocks from here.” The way he looks at me is like he’s seeing an old friend. We were never that close, and a few dates in high school won’t change it now.
“Your dad must be proud.”
Newport loves to gossip. There’s no way he doesn’t know about the famous falling out of the Foxes, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. “We no longer speak.”
“I didn’t want to bring it up, but I was sorry to hear that.” I stop the eye roll because his words sound genuine. He looks up as a group of boisterous guys pass by the patio area. When his gaze slides back to me, he says, “I’ve been working abroad for the past three years, so I’ve lost touch with the old crew. It’s really good to see you again.”
Julie asks, “Where were you working?”
Smacking my hand to my head, I say, “I’m sorry for not introducing you. This is my friend, Julie. If the outfits didn’t tip you off, we work together.”
Curiously, the wall I used to raise around him doesn’t shoot up like a red flag. I watch as they shake hands and how the arrogance he once carried around like a badge of honor is nowhere to be found. Something’s humbled him—life? I’m not sure what it could be, but it’s an unexpected and pleasant turnabout.
He takes a step back, and says, “I should let you finish your meal.”
Julie says, “Oh gosh no. Stay. We were just talking about Chloe going to Salvation, that new—”
“I’ve been to that restaurant.” His eyes light up as if he’s grateful to have something to add. “It was really good.”
Julie adds, “Chloe didn’t get to eat—”
“I told you,” I say tight-lipped, “I had the poutine.” I know what she’s doing. The last time she tried to set me up, it didn’t work out so well. I shoot her a glare that Trevor doesn’t catch. “Don’t,” I mouth.
He says, “I haven’t tried their version.”
“We couldn’t get a reservation, so my mom, friend, and I shared an appetizer at the bar.” I sound more pathetic by the second, wishing I could leave my body now more than ever.
His hand touches my shoulder, the feel of him all wrong. He says, “I can get a reservation for tomorrow night.” Both happened too fast for me to stop him. Covertly, I angle out from under him. He’s none the wiser, and grins, but I’ve clearly sent the wrong message because he continues, “Would you like to go with me, Chloe? It’d be great to catch up.”
“I, uh.” My foot is kicked, causing me to glance at Julie, who is shaking her head yes so hard it might fall off. But when I look at him again, he seems sincere. Maybe this will be a good trial run of spending time with a man and building my confidence in dating again. That is if he’s not the same jerk he used to be under that expensive suit.
I promised myself to say yes more often, and he’s the first guy in line. “Sure. I’m off work tomorrow. I can meet you there.”
“I’ll text you the details.” Holding his phone up, he says, “I still have your number.”
“From high school?”
“Yep. I never delete a contact. You never know when you’ll need them again.”
I already said yes, but that alone makes me want to pull out of this date, but he’s already returning to his table.
Julie rests her chin on her hand and says, “He’s dreamy. What is it with you and all these hot guys who can’t seem to take their eyes off you? I’m so jealous.”
“There aren’t ‘all these hot men,’ first of all. And if you only knew the half of it—”
“I don’t even know a quarter of it, but I’m all ears.”
The check is set down between us and I grin smugly. “Too bad break’s over. Back to the real world, and Roger.”
“I sort of hate you right now,” she teases with laughter.
* * *
I don’t know why I said yes.
Not only is dating out of my comfort zone, but Trevor is especially. To help ease my nerves, I text Ruby on the car ride over: If you hear from me in ten minutes, call me right back.
Ruby: Oh my God! You’re on a date???????
I giggle that one question mark wasn’t enough, and text: Yes. Why am I doing this?
Ruby: Because one day you’re going to fall in love and wonder why you waited so long.
That’s a lovely notion, but I did experience love once, and it wrecked me in the end. Is it possible to find my forever this time around? Me: I think that’s your dream. Not mine.
Ruby: What’s mine is yours. Have the most fun and call me tomorrow.
Me: A call and not a text?
Ruby: This is definitely worth calling about. Have fun and have sex!
I roll my eyes, and then an image of Trevor getting his hump on flashes. Ugh. No sex! Me: Yeah. Yeah.
Though by how I dressed for the night, I seem to be betting that she’s right, or I wouldn’t have made the effort. I do want love in my life . . . love to replace the other. I get out of the cab and walk into the restaurant. It’s too late to turn back now. I see him the moment I walk in.
Greeting me with a glass of red wine, he kisses my cheek. “You look fantastic, Chloe.”
“Thanks.” We shuffle to the side out of the way from the entrance, and I ask, “What’s the wine?”
“It’s a Syrah from this quaint little winery in the Rhone Valley of France. I discovered it while on a weekend getaway with a girl I met at Yale, actually . . .”
Letting him ramble on, I take a sip, though I’m not much of a red wine drinker. I have a feeling I’ll be drinking a lot to drown out the image still stuck in my head. “That’s so interesting.” I have no idea what he said, but my answer seems to fit, so we’ll go with it. “You said you know someone here?”
“The manager.” He looks around like he might be looking for his friend. Leaning down, he says, “We met at a party in the Hamptons and hooked up in the city.”
“Fast friends. You must have hit it off with him.” A little paranoid, I scan the room but don’t see Joshua or Lola to my relief, but still sip the wine to take off the edge.
I know it’s stupid to worry about such things. What are the odds that I’ll ever see them again, much less here at Salvation?
“It’s not a him. It’s a her.” His tone lightens as his gaze works into the distance. “We hit it off all right.”
What a weird response—oh! “Ew! Why would you tell that story to someone you’re on a date with?”
Nudging me with his elbow, he laughs. “We’re not high school kids. We’re adults, Chloe. Single, attractive, and successful professionals. Lighten up and enjoy life.”
I sigh; my hopes that he could change dashed in less than five minutes. I’m thinking it’s time to cut my losses and leave when the hostess says, “Your table’s ready. Right this way.”
I might be walking, but it’s definitely time to text Ruby. She can save me with one quick call. But when I arrive at the tiny table in the middle of the restaurant, I can’t resist. I burst out laughing. This has to be the worst table in the restaurant with no privacy and potential for waiters to bump into us. Still laughing, I say, “You might not have ‘hit it off’ as well as you thought.”
He scowls, pulling out my chair begrudgingly. “Trust me, you won’t be complaining.”
“No, trust me. I won’t be hitting it off with you either.” I sit because for the first time in my life, I’m in the power position. And selfishly, I’m not only starved, but I want to actually try the food here at Salvation.
&nbs
p; I’ve lived a sheltered life, partially because of my upbringing and then because of my school and career keeping me busy. No more. I will live my life on my terms, not anyone else’s. So if he’s looking for a battle of wills, I’m ready to take him on.
I tuck my phone away and order the lobster and champagne because tonight just got interesting.
42
Joshua
When I see the fish plate slide back into the kitchen line, I ask, “What’s this?”
Tyler, a newer waiter in the restaurant, says, “The customer said he wanted it deboned.”
“No.” I push it back down the line. “That’s not how it’s served.”
Picking up the plate, he says, “I’ll tell him.”
“Some fucking nerve,” I grumble, covering the sauté station tonight for a cook who called in sick. I call to the back line, “Check the souffles!”
Todd says, “Settle down. You’ve been on a rampage all night. Not getting laid?”
“I’m preparing food the way I created the dish to be served. I can’t deal with picky eaters tonight.” He’s just pushing buttons since he knows I can get laid if I want.
The reason I’m choosing not to is the part he’s not aware of. Since this damn city has brought Chloe and me together again, her face would be the only one I’d see if I went home with someone else, her body the one I’d wish I was touching. That’s not right to do to another woman.
Lately, I’m seeing my memories as clearly as I once did. The anger that used to drive me was formed out of necessity to move on, but now the candle I held deep inside is lit with the flick of her wrist, and I feel her taking over parts of my heart again.
It makes me realize I was never standing on solid ground when I was holding her accountable. I can twist the truth in my head, but Chloe is a blaring reminder of what I did. Even if she never remembered how the night actually went, I was the one responsible for driving her car. I accepted my role in this catastrophe the day I signed those papers, but it’s funny how sometimes it’s easy to forget.