by Anya Bast
Now she would have to find a way to live without him. But to simply live seemed a stretch. All she wanted at the moment was to curl into a ball and join him wherever his soul had disappeared. Now that he was gone she felt certain all joy was also gone, all love, all comfort.
What good was living if you couldn't have joy, love or comfort?
"Caroline?" asked Kaitlyn quietly next to her. "Do you want me to go get Paige? I could leave now and make it back with her by mid-morning. She can run very fast in dire wolf form."
Caroline shook her head. "No, I'll be ready to leave him by morning. We'll bury him and go back home. Just...just give some time alone, okay?"
"Of course." Kaitlyn squeezed her shoulder and backed away, returning to the fire. Together, her sister and Logan spoke in whispers…about her, she was sure.
Caroline closed her eyes and saw Torrent's face. It was the only thing she wanted to see.
It was incredible how much of an impact he'd had on her life. She'd thought she'd known what love was before she met him. Now she understood she hadn't had the faintest clue. Too bad that losing newfound love was so devastating. She drifted into memories and, finally, fatigue and stress drew her into a fitful sleep.
In the morning she was ready to leave him. She stood back and looked down on his body. He looked asleep and that was a kindness. Even his flesh wasn't all that cold or hard, the way she would have imagined it would be in death. As Logan dug a grave nearby, she watched Torrent's body closely, memorizing every inch. How strange...it looked as if his chest was rising and falling.....
What if?
She leapt over to him at the thought, feeling for a pulse, for his breath, some kind of clue he was actually living and they were making a mistake burying him.
There was nothing.
"Your mind can play tricks on you in grief," said Logan, behind her. "Sometimes we imagine someone we’ve lost is breathing when they’re not. I'm sorry, Caroline. It seems so inadequate a thing to say, yet I'm sorry from the heart of me."
Caroline backed away from the body, stood, and gave him a hug. "Not your fault," she managed to whisper hoarsely. "I thought I saw his chest rising and falling."
Logan nodded. "Grief can be cruel." He paused. "Are you ready to say goodbye?"
She hesitated. "No. I'll never be ready…but that's just his body. His spirit and soul will always be with me." She sounded so much braver than she felt, and that was such an empty thing to say. The memory of him was far too inadequate.
Logan nodded and set his shovel aside. He walked over and picked up a blanket woven of huge green leaves.
"What's that?" Caroline asked as Logan laid it over Torrent's body.
"Logan was awake all night making that," answered Kaitlyn. "It's a traditional way of burying the Lycaon."
"It's beautiful," murmured Caroline, pressing a hand to her mouth and trying to hold back her tears.
Logan scooped Torrent's body up as if the huge man weighed nothing, and walked him over to the grave. Carefully, he laid his Lycaon brother within. Each of them took turns shoveling dirt into the grave until Torrent's leaf blanket covering body was no longer visible. As they worked, they told stories of Torrent and his life.
Logan had grown up with Torrent, so he told stories of their youth and how they used to get in trouble with Rafian in town for being too rowdy and not studying enough. Caroline learned about how Torrent had loved owls—the non-shifter variety—and had had one for a pet when he was a teenager.
Tears rolled unchecked down Caroline's cheeks as she learned things she'd never had enough time to discover about the man she loved so much.
Finally the grave was full. Together they set rocks on top until it was mid-afternoon. Caroline disappeared into the forest for a time and returned with a bouquet of flowers that she set on the grave.
"I love you, Torrent," she whispered. "And I'm proud of you. You saved two peoples all with your sacrifice. You're a hero."
Kaitlyn set her hand on her shoulder. "Ready to go?"
She took a steadying breath and gave the grave one last, lingering look. "Let's go." None of them wanted to take animal form right now, so they turned and walked into the forest.
"Logan," asked Caroline, "How did the guards discover us at the end?"
His jaw locked. "It was Randolph. Old bastard. He told us he had customers, but the first thing he did when he reached the shop was go outside and find some guards."
She nodded. “He was acting a little strange.”
“I had my eye on him…just not close enough.”
They walked together for a while in silence. "I'm sorry about Jessa," Caroline said, finally.
"Me too. I wish....I wish at least we'd been able to say goodbye."
"You knew you'd be split up if the magick worked?"
He nodded. "It was a small sacrifice compared to Torrent's."
No one spoke again for a long time. They made camp for the night and Caroline spent a cold, sleepless night without Torrent. They continued traveling in the morning, now in animal form.
They made better time and reached Torrent's front yard by evening the next day.
Paige was waiting inside. As soon as Caroline cleared the doorway, Paige embraced her.
"Kaitlyn used telepathy to tell me what happened. We decided we're going to stay here, with you, for a while."
Caroline shook her head. "No, please, I'd rather be alone. I need time to process everything, time to grieve."
Paige nodded. "I understand, but you know where we are if you need us."
"Of course."
But all three of them made it clear they didn't want to leave right away. They made a stew and ate silently at the kitchen table. Hours later Caroline had to practically push them out the door.
"I'm all right, you guys. Please. I just need to be alone."
Finally they all left and Caroline was free to fall apart. She slid down the length of the door she closed behind them, into a sobbing puddle on the floor. She cried until she thought her heart would melt.
When the tears finally slowed, she struggled to her feet, climbed the stairs, and went into the bedroom. There she ran her hands over all the clothes Torrent had sent her from the village shop.
"Oh, Torrent, I know you meant me to stay here...but I don't think I can."
According to Kaitlyn, the portal back to the Flip Side would open for the final time tomorrow.
Even though her sisters lived here now, her grief was too great to allow her to stay. Everywhere she turned there were reminders of him. Even her sisters and their husbands were reminders. As much as it would pain her to leave her sisters behind.... she would have to do it. It was her only real shot at a normal life and she knew that Torrent, as well as Kaitlyn and Paige, would understand.
She made her way over to the bed and pulled back the covers. Finding Torrent's pillow, she buried her face in it, searching for the faint traces of his scent.
Chapter Fourteen
The next day dawned bright and beautiful and warm. Caroline stepped into the yard and looked up at the sky, wanting to throw a brick at those white, fluffy clouds. A great man had died and it felt as though the very atmosphere should honor him with darkness and rain.
Her sisters were walking across the yard toward her. “Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Paige as they grew closer.
She nodded. “I hope you understand.”
Kaitlyn took her hands. “We’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” Her voice broke on the words, emotion rising in her throat.
“Come on,” said Paige. “We better go before the portal closes.”
They hurried across the yard and into the woods. Luckily the clearing wasn’t far away. They sprinted through the forest, dodging branches and fallen trees. Even in her human form, the exercise was lovely—cleared her mind and emotions, if only for a while.
They reached the clearing and went immediately to the center of it. There, the portal shimmered, an open
ing to the Flip Side. Funny how she didn’t think of it as home anymore, that reality where she’d been born and had grown up.
Somehow she would have to make it home again.
“Well, this is it.” She looked between Kaitlyn and Paige. “I’m sorry, but I have to do this. I can’t stay here. Not without him. Even if it means leaving both of you. What I lost…the pain is too strong.”
Her sisters rushed forward and each hugged her in turn. “We know,” whispered Paige. “We understand the reminders here are too much. We don’t blame you for leaving. I would want to go back if I were in your position, too.”
“Thank you, Paige. If I go back, maybe I can convince myself all this was a dream.”
Kaitlyn’s eyes were wet with tears. “You know you’ll never be able to forget him.”
Emotion choked Caroline for a moment. She swallowed it down. “I know, but let me fool myself a little, won’t you?”
“Maybe,” added Paige, “the pain won’t be as great when you’re removed from this place.”
“Maybe,” Caroline managed to force out.
“You better go.” Kaitlyn jerked her head at the portal. “It doesn’t stay open for long.”
Paige hugged her again. “Remember us.”
“Of course.”
Kaitlyn pulled her into a final embrace. “We love you. Remember that.”
“I will.”
With one final look at her sisters, she stepped through the doorway.
Winds buffeted her clothing, tugged her ponytail free. She reached out to grab onto something to brace herself, found nothing but air and fell…..
The winds stopped and she opened her eyes which she’d screwed shut tight. She stood in the middle of her living room. She blinked, but her couch still stayed where it was. Her teacup remained where she’d dropped it, the tea now long dry. She still wore the clothes she’d been wearing when she’d stepped through the portal from Selaryica. Rushing to the front door, she opened it to find a pile of newspapers.
Closing the doors on the papers, she turned and sank to the floor.
She was home.
* * * *
The days blended seamlessly into each other. She returned to her cubicle job and found her boss more relieved than angry that she’d returned after going AWOL. Caroline would not have grieved the loss of her database-editing job, but apparently her boss had really missed her.
She explained that she’d simply needed to get away on the anniversary of her sister Paige’s disappearance. Citing her excellent work history and competence, he allowed her to keep her job. Her boss had also lost a sibling when he was just a boy.
Weeks passed. Sometimes she could convince herself that everything had been a dream. But, of course, she knew it had really happened. The clothes she’d been wearing still hung in her closet and the deep ache in her heart wouldn’t go away.
Also, she was pregnant. That was definite proof that Torrent had been more than a dream.
She’d taken a pregnancy test soon after she’d come back. Torrent might be gone, but at least she would have a piece of him forever.
And at least she knew her sisters were okay…more than okay. They were magnificently happy. That knowledge sustained her.
One unusually warm spring day, she stepped out of her office building for lunch. Her co-workers had asked her to go with them to a nearby restaurant, but she’d declined. Sometimes when they asked, she said yes just to be polite, but the company of others didn’t suit her much these days. She was still grieving. Honestly, she wasn’t sure she’d ever stop grieving.
She turned left and headed toward her favorite coffee shop. Adjusting her bag over her shoulder a bit better, she glanced up and caught sight of a figure sitting on a bench a ways down the street. She did a double take, hope rising in her chest for a moment. The man sitting there looked so much like Torrent.
Shaking her head, she concentrated on the sidewalk. It happened at least three times a week. She’d catch sight of a man who reminded her of Torrent in some way—how he walked, his body language or the ring of his laugh. It was cruel, thinking all of a sudden he was there…only to have him not be.
This man wasn’t Torrent, but she sneaked a peek at him anyway as she passed. He nodded at her from the bench, one hand casually thrown over the back. Nope, definitely not Torrent. She wished she could force her heart to stop watching for him. Torrent was dead. She’d seen his body, felt for his pulse. She’d spent the entire night curled beside him. Torrent was as dead as anyone could be.
He was gone and she was alone.
Swallowing a sudden lump of emotion clogged in her throat, she continued down the street.
Maybe she needed an evening of running through the woods as a wolf. That always seemed to banish the grief a little. Honestly, though, her life would never be the same. Not without him. She was certain she’d always be sad. How could you ever be happy again when you lost part of your soul? The only thing that gave her even a flicker of contentment was running as a dire wolf. She supposed it made her feel closer to him.
It had surprised her that she was still able to shift even though she was in this reality. That particular transformation was permanent, it seemed. She guessed it made her some kind of werewolf. In any case, it was something she now cherished. She’d found a heavily wooded area about forty minutes from the city and went there occasionally to stretch her legs and clear her mind. Running as a dire wolf made her feel closer to the man she’d lost.
She wondered if the child in her womb would also be a dire wolf.
She reached the coffee shop and entered. The barista behind the counter smiled and waved.
They knew her well here. “A medium mocha cream,” she told the cashier.
After paying, she moved to the area where she’d collect her drink. People bustled around her, but she stared at the menu over the counter, lost in her own thoughts.
“Medium mocha cream,” said the barista and handed her the coffee with a smile.
She turned and found a seat by the front window. Sipping her coffee, she watched people walk down the street. It was lunchtime and most pedestrians were headed into restaurants, but she couldn’t imagine eating. She wasn’t hungry. She was never hungry. Eating was only a way to ensure she had a healthy pregnancy.
A man caught the corner of her eye as he walked toward the entrance of the coffee house. Another man who reminded her of Torrent. The second in a half an hour.
“Don’t look,” she whispered to herself and purposefully gazed down the opposite end of the street.
The bell over the door tinkled as the man walked in. A moment later and someone had sat down beside her. She didn’t even have to look to know it was that same guy. He even possessed the same scent—spicy and out-of-doors. She inhaled and closed her eyes. If she could find that scent bottled…. Tears stung her eyes.
Oh, she needed to get out of here before she completely broke down. She’d go somewhere quiet for the rest of her lunch hour, get hold of herself, and then bury herself in work for the rest of the day.
She pushed her chair back and stood, careful to keep her gaze off the man beside her.
Chucking her almost full cup of coffee into the trash, she made a beeline for the door before she dissolved into tears.
“Caroline.”
She stopped dead in her tracks. The man’s voice sounded like Torrent’s. How did he know her name? She squeezed her eyes shut. Damn it, she was having a psychotic break.
“Caroline?” the man said again. This time it sounded as though he’d moved closer.
She squeezed her eyes tighter and hunched up her shoulders. Only moments and someone would notice her. They’d call the police. She’d be put away in an asylum….
Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe she could have Torrent after all. An imaginary Torrent would be better than no Torrent.
A large hand cupped her shoulder, a hand that felt so much like his. “Caroline. It’s me. It’s really me. Please, baby.”
<
br /> She turned and opened her eyes. There, standing before her, was her Torrent. He was dressed in a suit. “How can this be?” she whispered hoarsely. Her knees were weak and she felt like she might pass out. “This is impossible.”
“Not impossible. I’m right here, baby.”
She shook her head. “You died.”
“Apparently my life was destined to end in my world, but it can continue here.”
“But…I saw your body. You were dead.” She realized people were staring and she lowered her voice to a whisper. “You had no pulse. Your body—”
He shook his head. “I don’t know what happened exactly. All I know is I woke up here, in your world.” He paused. “Took me awhile to find you.”
She stared, bereft of words. “I don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand either. Does it matter? I’m here.” He pulled her into his arms and lowered his mouth to hers.
His lips were real, warm and perfect. Tears streamed from her eyes as she threw her arms around him and held him close, appreciating every inch of his body, every breath she felt him take.
She broke the kiss and stared up into his eyes. “I can’t believe it.”
“Believe it. You and me, Caroline,” Torrent whispered. “We can be together now. We can have kids. We can make a life without the threat of the prophecy hanging over us.”
“It’s like everything I dreamed of is coming true.”
“For me, as well.”
She gripped his arms, remembering her incredible news. “Torrent, I’m pregnant!” she whispered.
Joy transformed his face and for the first time she saw that the haunted, troubled look that always seemed to cloud his blue-gray eyes had disappeared.
Torrent dropped to one knee and produced a ring box. “Will you marry me, Caroline?” He grinned. “Again?”
“Of course!” She launched herself into his arms.
All around them the patrons of the shop laughed happily and clapped.
Holding on to him with a strong grip, she closed her eyes as tears of happiness rushed down her cheeks. Somehow they’d been given a second chance. She wouldn’t wonder, wouldn’t ask questions. She would take this as an impossible gift.