“That’s all, is it? You wouldn’t be lying to me, now would you, Andrea?”
“No, Ivan.”
“Somehow I don’t believe you. You’ll find aspirin in the medicine chest,” he said curtly, staring into her white face as he wondered, why does she want to run away? Am I not enough for her? Maybe I pushed her too far, bringing Cynthia here, but God, I only wanted to please her.
Thinking that might be the case, Ivan’s tone was not as harsh as he suggested, “Take a couple of aspirin, Andrea, and then come into the master bedroom and get dressed. I’ve decided to take you into town and let you do some shopping.”
As much as she’d been dreaming of rejoining Ivan in the house and of seeing people again, Andrea protested.
“Ivan, I don’t really feel like shopping today. I—ah—I’m really tired.”
Again, Ivan experienced a flash of fury.
“Funny, I got the impression you were dying to leave the room, Andrea, to perhaps plot your avenue of escape from me.”
She stared at him in bewilderment. “Avenue of escape? No, Ivan, you’re wrong. I don’t want to escape.”
“Don’t you now?” he gritted.
“I just don’t feel well today. Please just let me rest.”
“Are you upset because of last night? Because of my bringing Cynthia here? Dammit, Andrea, I did that for you. I thought it would fulfill your ultimate fantasy.”
She hung her head. “I—I don’t wish to talk about last night.”
“Look at me! Why?”
She lifted filled eyes to meet his. “Because it—it was wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong between a husband and wife, Andrea. Even the Bible states the marriage bed is undefiled. Did you know that?”
Andrea shook her head. She was shocked Ivan would know enough of the Bible to even quote it, if indeed there was such a passage.
Feeling riveted by his piercing gaze, she muttered, “I meant, including that—that woman.”
“You enjoyed it, didn’t you? It was meant to be your treat, Andrea, our final erotic tryst before the housekeeper returns and things have to settle down into the ordinary. Don’t you see that? Knowing your lusty nature, I thought it the best present, one I felt certain you might have heard of, but never experienced.
“Both Cynthia and I were intent only on pleasuring you, Andrea, and from your reaction, I’d say my gift had been received gladly.”
Andrea bit her lip, her embarrassment and confusion filling her eyes again.
“What must that woman Cynthia think of me, Ivan? What must you think of me? And she’ll probably tell everybody about me being in this room naked and…”
“You shouldn’t care what others think of you, Andrea. You should only care what your husband thinks. And what I think is that you’re beginning to realize your full potential as a woman and to be what I need. Put the concern that Cynthia will talk out of turn from mind because she will never tell a soul. She was heavily compensated for her time and besides, she knows better. And you can’t deny that you enjoyed the interlude, now can you?”
“No. But I—I shouldn’t have.”
Ivan laughed. “Which is to say you did?”
He took her into his arms and held her close for a minute.
“Andrea, of course you should. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex. We had a great night and you were pleased. That was what I intended, and that’s all that matters, Andrea. Now stop acting like a stupid child.”
Incensed by his rebuke, Andrea found the courage to snap, “Ivan, if you consider me such a stupid child, why do you want to stay married to me? I’m obviously not woman enough for you.”
When she pushed away from him, Ivan reacted out of anger.
“You’re right, Andrea. Right now you’re not, but you’re learning, much faster than I thought you would, by the way. And I’m enjoying the hell out of teaching you. And we are married. Don’t ever forget that. Unless and until I decide to change that, we’ll stay married, just like the vows stated, until death do us part!”
But the only words that stuck in Andrea’s tortured mind were ‘unless and until’ because they seemed prophetic.
Her lip quivering in spite of her resolve to remain strong, she said, “I’m sure you’re only going to toss me aside later, Ivan, so why wait? You’ve had your fun with me. And I keep displeasing you. Obviously someone like Cynthia would be more suited to your needs.”
Squaring her small shoulders, Andrea lifted her chin in the first real defiance Ivan had witnessed from her. It put him momentarily at a loss. He suddenly wanted her to want to stay with him as much as he wanted her to stay.
He pulled her back into his arms.
“Ah, but I am far from being bored with you, my pet. I will never be bored with you, as a matter of fact, so don’t talk crazy.”
The kiss he placed on her lips was a demanding, probing intrusion that left him fully aroused and Andrea weakly compliant as usual. He began to rain kisses on her neck, shoulders and breasts until she was leaning into him moaning, every nerve ending sensitive to his touch.
Neither realized that their thoughts were running parallel at that moment.
Ivan was thinking, Lord, Andrea is like a drug. She has totally possessed my soul.
And Andrea was thinking, he has only to touch me and I melt. I cannot resist him, and I don’t want to.
Ivan picked her up and carried her to the bed. He placed her there gently, his hot eyes holding to hers as he rose, undressed and lay down beside her. He trailed his fingertips over her quivering body, following the tingling enticement with his lips, sliding along in light, feathery kisses, his tongue an avid seeker of places to delve in and offer her pleasure.
Andrea was lost, as always, in the intoxication of burning lust.
For the first time in their marriage, Ivan found himself wanting Andrea to say she wanted him without his demanding to hear it, but she lay silent until he said, “Speak to me, Andrea. Say what’s in your heart.”
She remained silent, her wide eyes fixed on his as though she could not look away. Ivan misconstrued her reticence for fear and hatred. The misconception threw him into a fit of wounded rage.
He kissed her more harshly while his hands rolled her breasts. He pulled her against him with such force the breath left her for a moment.
Getting a grip on his temper, he loosened his hold, claiming her mouth again but more gently, insinuating his tongue while his hands stroked her. When she lay molded against him like a second skin, trembling with emotion, Ivan felt vindicated.
She might hate me but at least I can bring her to this point. Even if I can’t make her love me, I can make her lust after me.
He urged her legs apart, spread wide over his arms and plunged his throbbing organ deep into her enveloping core. He began stroking, slow and deliberate, his eyes on hers, exercising great restraint, pacing himself to match her ever increasing excitement.
When he knew she was thirsting to be shafted to the hilt, he perversely withheld the length of his cock, teasing by dipping in only slightly and then withdrawing while she clawed at him, asking for more without speaking as he’d learned was her way.
“Tell me what you want, Andrea,” Ivan demanded. “You can only have what you ask for; what that hot body of yours craves.”
“All of it. Give me all of it, Ivan.”
“All of what?”
“Your—your cock!” She stammered, bringing a smile to Ivan’s face for he knew how hard it was for her to use that explicit term.
“I need all of you deep inside me. And spank me, Ivan.”
Ivan obliged, swatting the buttocks Andrea hefted before him as she wrapped her legs around him, as he jammed his steel rod deep into her fevered channel. Thrusting and spanking, he brought her to climatic ecstasy. Only then did he allow himself the same release, which he’d been so painfully withholding.
In the afterglow, both lay panting and sweating, drained and exhausted. When Andrea started to rise, Ivan stopped her with
the question, “I suppose you’re still taking the pill, right?”
“Yes, of course. I’m still taking the pill, Ivan, like you told me to.”
“Well, stop.”
“Stop? But I—I thought you didn’t want me to get pregnant.”
“I’ve changed my mind,” he said, thinking, when she is pregnant, she will not leave me.
Ivan’s jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth with that thought, holding her eyes in a steadfast gaze.
Puzzled, Andrea asked, “Why have you changed your mind?”
“Don’t you want to get pregnant?”
“I—I don’t know. It’s—such—such a big thing, being a mother.”
“You’ll be a good mother.”
Andrea lay tortured by the thought, but will you be a good father? And while I am big with your child, will you be out with Cynthia, or some other woman?
That thought made her ill. But then it occurred to her that, as heartless as Ivan would have her believe him to be, she felt sure he was not the kind of man who would ever cast aside the mother of his children. Her heart leapt at that thought. She timidly ventured the question, “How many children do you want, Ivan?”
He lifted himself on an elbow and smiled at her and Andrea marveled, as always, with how handsome he was when he smiled.
“As many as we’re blessed to have, Andrea. I like kids.”
“That sounds like you intend to keep me around for awhile.”
“Of course I intend to keep you around.”
“I guess I’ll be useful for a long time, having your babies.”
Frowning, he asked, “Useful? That’s a strange way to put it. What’re you getting at, Andrea?”
“I’m just surprised.”
“Surprised about what?”
Not ready to admit her own fears of losing him to someone else, she said only, “I suppose I’m surprised that you want children, actually.”
“Why does that surprise you?”
“You don’t seem like a man who—well—.”
The smile left Ivan abruptly as he interrupted. “What kind of man do I seem to you, Andrea?”
She wanted to say hard, ruthless and unyielding and the opposite of a family man. But what she found the courage to say was, “A man too busy to enjoy family life, to spend any time playing with children.”
Reading her unspoken words, Ivan’s expression turned bitter.
“I’m approaching middle-age, Andrea, and I want children while I am young enough to interact with them. That’s why I picked you to be my wife, because you’re young. As for playing, well, I’ll leave the playing thing up to you. I’ll settle for the satisfaction of having heirs. Give me sons I can groom to take over my businesses, Andrea.”
Andrea flinched at his sudden harsh tone and the steely glint in his eyes.
“What—what if I fail you, Ivan, as I seem to do so often? What if I have a girl? Will you not want her? Would you cast us both aside if I could only give you a girl?”
Ivan hid the stab of pain her words had inflicted on him.
“Is that what you think of me, Andrea? That I’m such a brute I wouldn’t want my own daughter?”
Realizing she had angered him, she said hastily, “No, of course not. I—I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yes, I think that’s exactly what you meant,” he spat. “As for our firstborn being a girl, if so, then we’ll try again and again until we get a boy. The girls we will pamper. The boys will head the empire I’m building. I’ve no doubt that eventually we will have our son or a whole gaggle of sons.”
Ivan pushed up from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. When he exited, he held the birth control pill container, asking, “Have you taken your pill yet today?”
“No.”
He dressed, tucking the birth control pills into his pocket.
“Good. Got to check on something in the office. I’ll see you later. Think about what I’ve said.”
At the door he halted to say, “Since you don’t wish to go shopping, I’ll leave you to your own thoughts. Before I leave the house, I’ll bring you something for lunch and a snack for later. You’ll have plenty of time to think. And perhaps work on another song.”
Then he was gone, leaving Andrea immersed in depression, wondering how it would be if and when she did get pregnant, wondering how quickly Ivan would tire of her or become disgusted with her changing body.
Yes, I do want Ivan’s baby. But not until he loves me as deeply as I love him, she lamented as she swiped at a tear. She got her guitar and began putting her doubts and fears into a song that summed up her confusion.
“Where do I go from loving you too much?
How long before you decide I’m not enough?
Will you look at me someday and see
Still undone, just a woman in the rough?
What happens then?
“Will you walk away and leave me?
Taking my heart as you go.
Can I find my way back to me
Or wander aimlessly in the cold?
“I can’t say
I don't know
What happens then.”
Watching her on the monitor, Ivan was moved by the lonely confusion he heard in Andrea’s mournful song. He wanted to go to her; reassure her that he would never break her heart. But old fears prevailed, tumbling relentlessly through his mind, those haunting memories of his broken father and his weak failings.
Chapter 14
The Unmitigated Truth
True to his word, Ivan didn’t return until long after Andrea had gone to bed. Before exhaustion had finally claimed her, she had lain tormented by her imaginings that he was with Cynthia or some other woman more adept at erotic pleasuring than she would ever be. And she couldn't help but wonder if Ivan were regretting his decision to marry her.
Questioning that, Andrea had cried herself to sleep, and then dreamt of herself growing big and ugly with child. But then the scene shifted and she saw she had birthed their baby and envisioned the three of them walking in the park together. Ivan was pushing a buggy, laughing and proud. It brought a smile to her face.
* * *
Ivan entered the room quietly at 3:10 a.m. He closed the door and for a moment just stood watching Andrea sleep, wondering at the smile that curled her full lips.
As always when he neared her, he felt aroused. No woman had ever affected him the way she did.
His analytical mind tried to dissect the emotional pull he felt to this slip of a girl who now dominated his thoughts, but for the life of him, he couldn’t fathom why he had become so obsessed with her.
But obsessed I am, he silently admitted. She’s certainly not the most beautiful woman I’ve known. Actually, she isn't even in the top ten, yet it's her face I want to see the first thing each morning and the last thing I want to see at night.
He stood critiquing her. Her body wasn’t voluptuous, yet it was only her gentle curves that he wanted to explore daily and claim nightly.
What is it about her? Is it her initial innocence, or her eagerness to experience every sexual idea I want to explore? Or is it the fact that I was the one to deflower her, making her completely mine?
Ivan was suddenly seized with a protective surge of possessiveness so completely foreign to him that the flood of emotion startled him.
God, I can’t stand the thought of some other man laying his hands on her.
As much as he desired her at that moment, recalling how tired she had seemed earlier, Ivan decided he wouldn’t wake Andrea.
Now that I know your sexual desires are as insatiable as my own, my sweet Andrea, I have to remind myself that you don’t know how to pace yourself. You exhaust yourself by giving fully to each fuck like it might be the last time you’ll climax.
Ivan smiled with that thought as he undressed and lay down beside her.
He listened to her moan in her sleep and watched as she flounced restlessly, turning to face him. He brushed her forehead with a feather
kiss, pleased when she unconsciously snuggled into him.
Are you dreaming of some other man, some phantom lover you wish you had? God, if I thought that…!
Ivan fought back the unreasonable building jealousy.
He was her first lover and by God, he’d be her last.
Shrugging off his unreasonable jealousy, Ivan settled Andrea in his arms, cradling her as she slept, thinking about how harsh he’d been with her earlier and wishing he hadn’t been.
Get a grip. He silently reprimanded himself. If I push her too hard, I could lose her, not physically because I will never allow that, but mentally and emotionally, I might lose her. I want to mold her spirit, not break it.
And then Ivan silently acknowledged something that came to him like a bolt out of the blue; something that astonished him.
Actually, I just want Andrea to love me in the damnable fierce way that I love her.
He suddenly could not imagine his life without this girl/woman who was now his wife.
Dear God, I’ve got it bad. Now that I have awakened her sexually, I know Andrea lusts after me. I know I can incite that emotion in her, but love me? I think that might be an entirely different story.
He laid a hand on her stomach, thinking of their future child. Touching her brought to life the desire to possess her again. It was with great effort that he squelched it. Instead, he tried to concentrate on his potential child and how he wanted to make a good life for him, or her.
And of course I’d want a girl, as well.
It crushed him to think Andrea believed him so callous that he would cast aside a daughter should she give him one. Children were special in his eyes. All children. And he believed they should be treated that way.
I would never relegate my children to the exclusive care of others; never content myself to amassing a fortune like my parents and grandparents did while ignoring my children, the way Alan and I were ignored. My children will always come first.
He remembered telling Andrea that he would leave the playing up to her, but that wasn’t true. The truth was he wanted to be a part of even that phase of his children’s lives. And he would make time for his kids, always.
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