After what feels like forever of him breathing down my neck, of his warm body too close to mine, I get the door open and usher him in. Paper crunches underfoot and a spasm strikes my heart and makes my throat constrict. I pause to pick up the slim padded envelope that’s been pushed under my door.
While numbness pervades me, I blindly place it on the kitchen side.
“Aren’t you going to open that?”
“I-I... no, I’ll just…” My vision blurs while fear throbs through me. It’s another letter from whoever has discovered me. I can tell from the writing. I don’t even want to know what it says but I’ll have to open it eventually to find out what they want. But not in front of Hunter.
Hunter scowls. “Is it another letter?”
“How am I meant to know when I haven’t opened it?” I snap.
He closes the door carefully and approaches me with even more caution. Strong hands curl around my arms before I can back away. His gaze searches mine. “Has anything else happened? Mitch said you were fine—”
“I am fine.”
He studies me for a few moments more forcing heat into my cheeks and releases my arms. I allow myself a breath of relief but it’s for nothing as he reaches past me and snatches the envelope.
“Hunter!” I protest and make a grab for it but it’s too late.
With a rip, he opens the envelope and spills its contents onto the kitchen counter. A pink letter and a DVD—a porn film, one with my old self on. I can’t hold back a choked sound and I clap a hand over my mouth, powerless to do anything but watch as he picks up the case and turns it over to study the back. Not meeting my gaze, he places it down and proceeds to open the letter and read it. He rubs his forehead.
I gulp and clamp my arms around myself. This is it then. It’s all over. I’ll have to move now. The other letter could have been a prank but this confirms it. Whoever is sending the stuff knows about me. And now Hunter does too. How can I stay to face his disgust?
He waves the pink letter at me and I brace myself. Breathing grows harder. Of all the people to discover the truth, did it have to be him? I could bear it better from someone else but not Hunter, a man I am insanely attracted to and who actually, in spite of his disappearing act, I can’t help but respect. His honesty and determination puts me to shame.
“I-I think you should leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Hunter, please. I don’t want to talk about it. Go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He inches closer. “I know, Jess. I know it all. I’ve known for a while.”
“What?” I whisper.
“I know about your past. That you were a porn star. I know what you’re running from.”
“Oh God…”
Bile rises in my throat and I fight the need to bend double. My cheeks burn. How could I have thought this would be different? That I could keep my past from him. It always finds a way out. And now I’ve probably lost the closest thing to—I don’t know—true love, I’m ever going to have.
His features blur in front of me and my chest compresses. I need some air. I have to get away. Turning blindly, I grope for my handbag on the counter.
“Jess!”
I don’t even look back when I stumble away, nearly tripping on the worn carpet. He makes a grab for me—I feel the rush of air past my arm—but I’m gone. I’m out the door and storming down the corridor. My feet pound in time with my heart. I’m almost waiting for the floor to crumble beneath me, because that’s how it feels. As if the world has fallen out beneath my feet. I want to smack my palm into something for being such an idiot. This was exactly what I was protecting myself from and yet I walked recklessly in and convinced myself this time would be different. Convinced myself I was a better person than I really am.
My heart ratchets when I hear a door slam and footsteps following. I pick up my pace and throw myself around the corner, almost missing the first step down. A hand curls around my upper arm and jerks me to a stop as I reach the next floor. I’m pushed to the wall and it winds me slightly. Once I look up at him, he’ll see the tears in my eyes. I can’t do it so I keep my face lowered. What would I see anyway? Disappointment? Condemnation? I’d rather remember when Hunter looked at me like all he wanted to do was lick me from head to toe.
“Why are you running, Jess?” His voice is gruff and it tugs at something inside.
“Because you know,” I mumble.
I do not want to be doing this. I’ve barely managed to suppress the memories of my past as it is. I can’t go over it again now just to appease his curiosity. And that’s what it will be. Maybe he’ll listen for a bit and pretend he gets it, but you can always see it. The judgment. Guys like to make-believe they’d like a whore in their bed, but when it comes down to it, they would never marry the whore.
“What?”
“Because you know!” I shout and raise my head. My foot twitches as I hold back the desire to stomp like a damned school girl. “I can’t stand it. Knowing that you know it all. I wanted to forget…” A sob bubbles out my mouth and I can’t hold it back. I sag against the wall, held up now by both his hands on my arms. “I want to forget,” I whisper.
Tremors wrack me and the tears I’ve been holding back escape. I probably could have coped if it had been anyone else. I’d move on—again—find another shitty job and try to pick up the pieces. It would mean starting over but I’d do that if it meant leaving behind the recrimination.
Hunter’s hands leave my arms and I close my eyes, wait for him to leave. But I don’t hear any footsteps. Instead, there’s warmth and solid muscle pressing against me. A hand sneaks behind my head, cups the back of my neck while the other smoothes over my cheek.
“Shh,” he murmurs in my ear as he removes his hand, places it on my hip and brings his face to the side of mine.
Bristle skims my jaw and I immediately soften into him. I sniffle, hating the dampness on my cheeks. I don’t normally cry. It’s not me. What’s the point in crying when it doesn’t help? But in some weird way if feels good to have Hunter holding me. My forehead presses against his chest and his T-shit absorbs some of my tears. I swallow the ache in my throat and force my breaths to slow, drawing them in through my nose.
At some point, I become very aware of his body flattened against mine. Very aware. My nipples peak against those hard planes and I find my fingernails digging into his biceps. Tears dry up and heat fills my body. The hand on my neck keeps rubbing, one rough thumb sweeping up and down the arch of my neck. I’m so sensitive there it sends tingles straight through me, raising the hair on my arms.
Forehead still against his chest, my breath hitches when the palm on my hip curves around to hold my ass. More hardness greets me, the thick length of him must be straining against his jeans. I’m sure, even through all the layers, I can feel the heat of him. Longing gathers between my thighs. All sense has deserted me. There’s only skin and heat and lust.
There’s only Hunter.
“Jess.”
My name on his lips, raw yet tender, forces me to lift my head. His blue gaze pierces me. An arrow to the heart. I swear I feel it, deep down in my chest or maybe in the twisting of my stomach.
He does it again. “Jess.”
Shit. Clutching onto him as if he might escape at any moment, I wait for him to lower his lips to mine. His gaze remains on me, so intense I can hardly breathe. Warm lips meet mine—a light, tickling touch that has me almost writhing in anticipation. His mouth parts and I follow suit. We share a breath, hold ourselves there for a moment. I can scarcely suck in air as the scent of his cologne surrounds me and his jeans brush against my legs.
Something snaps. Maybe inside me, perhaps inside him, I’m not sure, and he covers my mouth fully, instantly thrusting his tongue inside. I make a noise, a sound of desperation, and clutch his head, terrified he’ll leave me. My entire body pulses with need and I bring my leg up to latch it around the back of his knee, moaning when the hard fabric of his fly
presses against my sensitive flesh.
The hand in my hair tugs, bunching it in his fist. It’s not painful, it electrifies me, sending all my nerve endings tingling. I’m aware of every part of me, yet it’s all a blur. The cold press of the wall, the sound of people banging doors and chattering in the stairwell below us, all fades. Heavy breaths, rasping fabric and heated touches dominate my world now.
Hunter’s fingers slip under the hem of my top at the same time as he thrusts his tongue in my mouth again, kissing me greedily. It’s strange to witness him so out of control, yet insanely exciting. I’m the one making him like this. It’s a heady sensation, so much power. When have I ever held power over a man? My life started out dictated by men’s needs and I’ve lived forever in fear of that. But Hunter doesn’t make me feel like that. He makes me feel wanted and treasured. Lusted after but appreciated.
“Jessie,” he groans against my mouth. “Jessie,” he repeats, “we can’t do this here.”
Suddenly the coldness of the wall on my back registers and sends a chill through me. I tear my mouth away, unhook my leg and shove at his chest. It doesn’t do much good. His hand remains in my hair, holding me in place.
“Shit.” I try to push once more but he refuses to move. “Hunter, let me go,” I plead.
What was I thinking? Well, I wasn’t. Hunter does that to me. If I’d been thinking at all, I wouldn’t have even let him into my world. Now I’ve got to rip up my life and move on again. I shouldn’t be kissing him. I should be leaving him way behind along with my sordid past.
Prickly heat fills my skin again as the humiliation of long buried memories taunt me. My ex finding out. Our friends jeering and looking at me as if I was diseased. Questioning if I really was diseased. I lost all my friends when the truth came out because who wants to be friends with a porn star? Who wants to know someone you can Google and watch being fucked by strange men?
Who wants to date one?
No one. That’s who.
“Fucking let me go.”
“Don’t run from me, princess. We need to talk about this.”
I snort. “Is that what we were doing? Talking?”
He drops the hand in my hair and moves to frame me with his arms. I duck out from underneath him before he can and debate running once more but he’s still in the way. I dart a glance up the stairs and wonder if I can make it to my apartment without him catching up with me.
I eye those long, strong legs. Unlikely.
“Just leave me alone.”
His gaze rakes me and I see his arousal pressing against his jeans. It means nothing though. Just because he wants to fuck me, it doesn’t mean anything and I do not need to be getting excited about it.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Now he crosses his arms over his chest, emphasizing the width of it.
My fingertips tingle with the need to smooth my palms across it and feel his reassuring heat. What is it about this man that makes me so Goddamned crazy?
“I’m serious. Go. I don’t want to talk about this and you don’t want to be around me. I’m a mess. My life is a mess and no one really wants to be with a porn star.”
“Ex porn star,” he corrects.
“See? You can’t handle this shit, Hunter. Get out while you still can.”
“Jessie… princess… babe… I’m not going anywhere.” He edges forward so his chest flattens me against the wall once more.
I suck in a breath and try to evade looking into his eyes with those beautiful long dark lashes but it’s impossible. How’s a girl meant to avoid such beauty? He dips his head and brushes his lips over my cheek.
I release a sound of frustration and press my palms against him. “What is this? You want to seduce the porn star? Another notch on your belt?” My voice trembles while I fight my desire for him. It makes me so very weak. It makes me believe there could be something in the future for us. I can’t afford to believe that. “You just want to find out what it’s like to fuck a porn star, is that it?”
His head jerks back, as if stung by my words. His lips thin and I hold the breath in my chest, preparing myself for the agony that’s bound to hit me when he turns away and leaves me forever.
Then his mouth softens and he leans back into me. His lips come to my ear. “No, Jess,” he murmurs. “I want to make love to you. Not your past.”
My knees weaken and I grip his arms for support. Love? Make love? No one’s ever made love to me before. I’ve done most things imaginable but I’ve never made love. Unshed tears make my eyes ache and my heart pangs for everything I’ve missed out on.
I lower my head. “I don’t—”
“Shh.” Forceful fingers cup my chin and raise my head. “Look at me. Look into my eyes.”
I do as he commands, unable to resist.
“I want to make love to you. I know everything and it doesn’t matter. It’s only your past and everyone has a past. Without it, you wouldn’t be this amazing, funny, determined woman in front of me. Princess, you are fucking hot. And I don’t just mean your sweet body and gorgeous face. I mean you as a package are. Fucking. Hot.” He puts emphasis on each word and my cheeks warm. “I’ve never met a woman like you.”
“But—”
“Shut up,” he tells me softly and takes my mouth in a passionate kiss.
I’m a goner. He thinks I’m hot. And not just my body. He thinks I’m hot. Hell, he even likes my determination. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who likes that side of me. Hunter’s eyes are completely, compellingly sincere. I don’t have a chance in hell of fighting him.
“Damn you.” I kiss him back ferociously.
Before I can do anything else, he breaks the kiss and scoops me into his arms. I feel ridiculous being carried up the stairs, his footsteps echoing. Nerves swirl in my stomach. I’m still not sure I believe him. If I go to bed with him now, will I wake up in the morning to find him gone? Will he regret sleeping with me or will he run off and tell his friends how he fucked Trinity Sparks?
He pauses outside my door. “Are you sure you want this?”
Those words blow me away. No one ever cared what I wanted. It was what the producers wanted. What the ex-boyfriend wanted. What my uncle wanted. If he really was only interested in me for the kudos it could bring, why would he ask?
I swallow and nod, unable to find my voice.
Hunter thrusts open the door and I realize I didn’t even stop to lock it. He pauses at the threshold and lowers me to the floor. I miss his strong arms around me, making me feel small and precious. I threw my body away once, didn’t treasure it, and somehow Hunter makes me think there’s something valuable in me again. Like my body is worth fighting for. Like I’m worth fighting for.
He eyes me from under his brow, blue eyes penetrating under those dark eyebrows. He steps over the threshold and closes the door slowly behind him, never taking his gaze from me. I gulp, the sound loud in my ears. He takes a step forward and I meet that step. There’s no going back. As soon as our bodies touch, the tempest takes hold once more.
“Hunter,” I breathe as I twine my hands in his dark hair.
“I know, princess. I know what you need.” He cups my ass and kisses my neck. “I’m going to give it to you.”
Lifting me with ease and coaxing my legs around his hips, he carries me over to the couch. I spread kisses across his jawline, the sensation of his stubble against my tender skin enflaming my need. Desire kindles under my skin. He drops me down but before I can protest, he’s on top of me. With one hand propping him up, I can enjoy the heavy weight of him without being crushed. We wind up sprawled across the cushions, legs twined together, moving in a quick rhythm of desire.
His lips follow the arch of my neck and across my collarbone. Hunter licks and sucks my skin, occasionally nipping. I scrabble my nails over his back and rise to meet each kiss. As his mouth dips further down towards my breasts, I rise and one of his hands comes under my back to hold me to him like an offering.
And that’s what I�
��m doing. Offering myself to him—body and soul probably. He knows me. He’s seen my wounds and doesn’t care. The least I can do is give myself totally to him. Shifting further down so he’s resting on his knees, he urges my top up. Fingertips skim my stomach and ribs. I arch and arch as if I can feel more. Somehow these intimate touches aren’t enough. I don’t think I will be satisfied until we’re as close as two humans can get. I need Hunter inside me.
Both his hands force their way under my bra and enclose my breasts. The soothing coarseness of his palms on my sensitive skin makes me cry out. He stares down at me, a crease between his eyebrows. So serious.
“Jessie, you’re so beautiful. It’s insane how beautiful you are. Damn, if you could only see it.”
His words make my heart flutter. I’ve not been able to see myself as beautiful for a long time. My past has warped me. But I want to see it. “Show me. Just show me.”
“I’ll do my best, princess.”
He bends and puts his mouth to my stomach. I observe as he works his way up while his hands still manipulate my breasts, clever fingers rolling my nipples into even harder peaks. As his mouth reaches the bottom of my bra, he presses his hands beneath me and unhooks it. In a tangle of fabric, my top and bra are somehow removed and his warm hands come beneath me. He takes his time circling my breasts with his tongue, taunting me so that when his mouth comes over one nipple, it’s exquisite. Relief and a fresh rush of need ebbs through me. He turns his attention to my other nipple while I run my hands through his hair.
I make a noise of disappointment when he trails down to the waistband of my leather trousers and he chuckles against my skin. Laugher and sex. I didn’t think they could go together but now it seems they can. With Hunter I feel like laughing, crying, screaming, begging, and running through every human emotion possible. None of it seems wrong. Everything with Hunter feels so right.
I giggle as his lips tickle my hips and his fingers tug on the waistband. He kisses all the way along it, making me squirm in anticipation. The sound of the button unpopping and the zipper rasping sends thrills skittering down my spine. He rises up once more to drag my trousers and underwear down my legs in one go, leaving me totally bare to him.
Too Much to Lose Page 14