by C L Walker
“Oh, but I wasn’t concerned Mr. Tanaka, it was merely a curiosity. There is no need for you to get yourself all worked up about it.” I gave him an obviously fake smile and turned away.
He didn’t say anything in reply, but I heard his door slam a little too hard and I knew then that I got to him in a small way.
It seemed he had a bit of a temper and I felt thrilled to have been the one to bring it out of him.
Chapter 5
Kyla
I hadn’t been sleeping well since dinner Saturday night, because I couldn’t stop beating myself up over my stupidity. Not only was my question inappropriate but I almost gave myself away. I gave him the first clue that I was interested, and it was mortifying, so I couldn’t bring myself to shake the feeling of humiliation.
I felt childish.
Although wanting a man older than me shouldn’t have made me feel that way, but I figured he really did see me as a kid so my wanting him was somehow deemed childish as a result.
I didn’t even want to go to school, but more specifically I didn’t want to go to my creative writing class.
I found myself wishing I were the type of person to skip but unfortunately my parents would have my head for it, and I would only be putting off the inevitable.
“I realize I was overly impulsive and that I ruined the mood by asking a question like that but still,” I said.
“Kyla,” was all Amber said.
Since Rachel was absent, I was thankfully free to discuss my weekend. “There are worse things I could have said.”
I confirmed that he wasn’t pleased with me that morning when I ran into him in the hallway. I said hello and he gave me a weak smile in return before he quickly turned around and walked the other way. It was in the opposite direction from his classroom, he hadn’t wanted to walk next to me, and he made it obvious that he was avoiding me.
She nodded her head as she looked at someone behind me and waved. “Well you crossed a line Ky there’s nothing else to it. Just because he had dinner at your house and told you to call him by his first name doesn’t mean he’s interested in being a pedo.”
“Don’t use that term so lightly, you know he wouldn’t qualify even if he was interested in me,” I said.
She shrugged her shoulders. “You’re a student.”
I put my hand up to stop her before she said more so I could explain further. “Alright, first of all asking stupid questions doesn’t mean I thought I had a chance or that I would get anything out of it. It’s something I’d ask my friends too... granted I’d ask them with a different level of interest, but the question remains the same. But it’s not like I thought even for a second that he would respond by saying I was his type. I’m not stupid contrary to evidence that strongly suggests otherwise.”
She gave me a look of disbelief, because she knew I was a romantic and a dreamer and they were a bad combination when faced with temptation that I wasn’t allowed to indulge in.
I sighed and went in with my last attack. “In my defense, he was checking me out, there’s no way around that one and that suggests that while he may not be interested per se’, he’s not entirely immune either.”
She considered what I said, but even I knew I was reaching. “Alright, well you won the night, and he doesn’t want Mya. Which as you said, was your only goal right?” She paused and I nodded my head. “So, get over him and give one of these poor boys a chance.” She gestured around our small cafeteria filled with teenage angst and I visibly cringed at the thought of dating any one of them.
That’s not happening.
“There’s nothing to get over, he’s simply another hot guy I know nothing about and will never get close to. No need to get all desperate and start dating these nerds again.”
Her smile grew mischievous. “Okay, if he doesn’t matter then go on a double date with me this Friday.”
As usual it wasn’t a question, it was more of a dare as Amber knew how to get me to do things.
“I said I don’t want to date anyone here!” I looked around the lunchroom at all the boys I had given up on, it wasn’t their fault I had lost interest in them for one reason or another.
“I know, calm down. His name is Mikey, he is the new guitarist in Jake’s band, he went to the public high school so while you may have seen him around town or at parties you don’t know him. He’s attending a community college out of town, but he still lives close enough that a relationship with him would work out fine.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at me.
“What the hell do you think I have some fetish for older men now because of one guy?” I asked, and she didn’t answer me with anything more than a look of suspicion. “Fine! Fine, I’ll go.”
She did a little dance in her seat to celebrate and I was left defeated again because it was hard for me to say no to her, especially when I knew she had my best interests at heart.
Considering I hadn’t been on a date since the beginning of junior year, it was probably time for me to get back out there and explore my youth and all that anyways.
“You’re too easy,” she said, as the bell rang, and we got up to leave. “It will be fun, I promise, and I have no doubt that you’ll love him. He’s got that bad boy image but he’s a total sweetheart.”
“But does he have a personality Amber?”
She backed away from me with her empty tray as she said, “Yes, Kyla he’s more than a pretty face. See you later girl.”
I smiled at her reassurance, waved, and left her to go to my class.
The more I thought about it the more I realized I was excited to go out.
My longest relationship had been about six months long and I had never been in love. I had of course thought that I had been, but eventually I realized it wasn’t the real thing.
I wanted the real thing though, I wanted to know someone on such a level that I would fall in love desperately, even if it ended tragically. I wanted it.
But not with any boys from my school, I grew up with them, went through a lot with them, and somehow ended up not being attracted to most of them. Not to say I didn’t have hot guys at my school, because I did, but you see them differently when you’ve known them all your life.
I walked into class and Mr. Tanaka or Sora rather, was gathering a giant stack of papers on his desk and there was no one else present.
I had opened the door quietly so he must not have heard me enter because he said, “shit,” beneath his breath before, “Ah I found you,” a few moments later.
I didn’t think it likely that he would swear knowing a student could hear him, he had too much to prove as a young teacher.
I cleared my throat to alert him of my presence and he swung around to look up at me, and immediately stood up a little straighter as a hand ran across his jaw.
“We are supposed to be meeting in the library Miss Nilsen, if you recall?” His voice was rough, and there was a hint of censure to it that I didn’t care for.
“Right, I’m sorry I forgot,” I said, before I left the classroom, and headed towards the library.
I texted Amber on my way.
Me: Yeah, he’s still being an ass… what did I do that was so bad again?
My Best Fran: How did he manage to be an ass in front of a whole class?
Me: It was just me and him. I forgot we were supposed to meet in the library…
My Best Fran: Maybe he thought you “forgot” on purpose.
Me: Wow I ask him one question and now he thinks I want him!? Seriously. I didn’t do it on purpose. He’s supposed to be in the Library as well so that doesn’t even make sense.
My Best Fran: WOAH. I said maybe, it’s not like I would know what he’s thinking! Calm down! Ignore him, do your work, keep your mouth shut and all will be well. And let’s not forget you spy on the dude so don’t act like his accusations would be completely off.
Me: Fine! And you can’t spy on something that is open for public viewing. His fault not mine.
My Best Fran: What
ever, GURL BYE! TTYL <3
Me: <3
I put my phone in my pocket, opened the library door and Sora’s hand appeared on it to the right of my body which brought him closer to me than he had ever been. It wasn’t inappropriately close, but I was weak, and it was close enough to make my heart race.
“Thanks,” I said, since he held the door open for me while I walked inside.
He nodded his head instead of replying.
As I stepped through, I ran my foot into the detector that was inside the door, and my big toe made a cracking noise on impact and pain shot through it. I reached down to hold my foot immediately as if cradling it was going to stop the pain.
“God why? Who put that there?” I asked no one in particular. “No one is going to steal books anyways, how stupid…”
Sora, who had been right behind me, ran straight into my ass and nearly knocked me over.
I scrambled to grab the sides of the detector, so I didn’t fall as he wrapped one arm around my waist and kept me up right. The feel of his arm around me, no matter how brief it was, sent chills down my spine.
His body was so warm behind mine, that my body momentarily forgot the pain and instinctively arched into his to seek out another kind of comfort. It felt so nice I couldn’t even bring myself to be embarrassed over my reaction to him as my ass pressed into his crotch.
“Damn it, woman what are you trying to do to me?” he asked under his breath, after he let me go.
I hopped away as I took another punch to my gut when he swore at me, it wasn’t something that should be hot, but it was.
“To you? Nothing. I am too busy having a funeral for my toe, obviously.”
I turned my back to him; I wasn’t going to apologize when he was being so rude. He swore at me. A teacher swore at me! It was sexy but also rude. Yeah, I decided to focus on the negative before I let myself think too far into what had occurred.
When we got to the tables where the rest of the class was sitting, he set down the papers he was holding and his laptop before he walked over to where I sat with a reformed attitude.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I had my bottom lip out and I mumbled my answer like a child. “Yes, I’m fine Mr. Tanaka. Thank you, Mr. Tanaka.” I was pouting but I felt like I was being treated unfairly, whether it was punishment for my boldness or not, it was unnecessary.
He didn’t look amused by my overly polite response, but he didn’t say anything else as he looked around at all the eyes that were on us.
“Wonderful,” he said, and I didn’t miss the hint of sarcasm.
Then he turned abruptly to address the class and forgot all about me and my crippled toe. “Alright kids today you have a simple assignment but a short time to complete it. You have exactly one hour to write a short story about a memory, it can be in whatever style you want. But it has to be true; I want to know how you felt, and what you saw, I want to be there in that memory with you. Go.” He clapped his hands together and everyone skittered over to computers.
Who knew creative writing was going to be so impulsive.
I got up and hobbled to a computer and chose one that faced him so I could send him occasional dirty looks. I wanted him to know I wasn’t scared of him just because he was a teacher. His position didn’t give him the right to be rude, especially when I stopped in front of him on accident. It wasn’t something to get mad about.
I pulled up a document and typed out my name and the date in the corner but stopped when I realized I didn’t know what to write about.
I looked around the library looking for inspiration but there wasn’t much to be found in the dusty old books. I looked at my classmates thinking of the memories I had growing up with them but none of them were my friends, so I only had classroom memories with them.
I looked at the librarian with her hook nose and pale lavender dress, but I got nothing.
I tried to dig up something inside of me that was worth sharing but things always escaped me as soon as I needed them.
I looked at Sora who was sitting at a table typing away on his laptop when he glanced up at me as if he could feel my stare.
When our eyes met, I looked down and chewed on my lip.
He was my sole audience so what did I want to tell him? I knew I was supposed to look at him like he was just another teacher, but it was extremely hard for me.
But I couldn’t let him influence my story because that wasn’t me either.
I always wrote better when I wrote from the heart and didn’t take into consideration who my audience was to be.
In the end I chose to write about love because it was the easiest thing to write about and the most relatable.
Dear reader,
I’m not sure why I felt compelled to tell you this but here I am. I hope that when it’s over you can take a tiny piece of me with you and carry it in your memories. I hope that you can see what’s in my heart rather than the color of my eyes or the lines of my body, because we are so much more than physical beings, are we not?
These memories lay heavy on my heart because they are not resolved. I think of them and wonder why it had to turn out so, and I ponder when I might get to see it through.
When I might see love through.
I remember how brightly the sun had shone like the feelings surging through my veins had amplified everything around me. The air was crisper, the breeze felt like warm hands on my skin and my heart was forever racing. I thought surely it must be love, the palm that laid across my face, the body that was burning with a fire so bright next to mine, the kiss upon my lips… It had to be.
Lips had parted with heavy sighs and words laced in the sweetest sugar swirled into my ear, and I knew then I was happy to give him my all, even my forever.
However, he didn’t long for my forever, he longed for only what my body could give in that moment. Once it was taken, he left and with it he took the sun out of the sky, the air stilled around me and I choked on its stench. My heart that once raced on excitedly felt like a hollow pit in my chest. Tears flowed from my eyes but as quickly as they came, they dried once more and left me wondering why they fell in the first place.
Why had something that felt so magical leave me just as I was before it had cast its spell?
I realized that the sun still shone brightly like a beacon in the clear blue sky, once more the air filled my lungs with hope, and I knew all was still well. I had thought love moved you, I thought love when lost left you broken? But when I saw him again acting like everything was fine, like our lives hadn’t clashed for a time and broke apart just as fast...I felt nothing. I never loved him. It was a fantasy, I convinced myself of every feeling because I wanted to know love.
So, this is what is unresolved, love, I have yet to feel a love so true! My memories of love are reserved only to a different kind, of which I’ve always had in abundance for only my family and friends.
I hope you, Dear Reader, have felt it? I hope you have known its greatness and have suffered its despair as I hope I someday will. Here's to hoping and memories of that past that serve as reminders of what we should expect in the future. And that’s more, expect more, expect the best and give your all for love.
It was so cheesy, but it was the only thing I could think of.
I threw my arms behind me and stretched with a loud yawn as I looked over at Sora again and suddenly felt embarrassed. While I was writing I had forgotten all about him, he was going to be reading it and I wasn’t so sure about it any longer.
I glanced at the clock and swore under my breath when I saw that there was only five minutes left of class. I didn’t have time to write another.
So, I printed out my paper reluctantly and slapped it down beside him.
He glanced up at me and I turned around without acknowledging him, as I refused to treat him like I would my other teachers.
My other teachers didn’t check out my ass and then talk down to me because they felt guilty.
He could kiss it.
Chapter 6
Kyla
The second week of school went by in a blur and I felt like I was already in the swing of things by the time Friday hit.
Since the day in the library the contact between Sora and I had been minimal.
Tuesday I still walked funny because my toe was sore so when I entered the classroom, he frowned at me but said nothing.
Wednesday when I was walking backwards in the hallway as I teased Amber, I ran over his foot as he stood outside his classroom and held the door open for his first period students.
He looked like he wanted to argue with me after I said, “karma,” under my breath instead of saying sorry, but he didn’t so I went on my way without another word.
Then on that same day when I got home from shopping with Amber my dad was outside talking to Sora, so I walked over and said hi. When my dad asked Sora if I was his favorite student in a joking manner Sora savagely told him that I was his least favorite and he meant it.
I could see past the fake smile on his face, and the light in his eyes told me that he knew that I could see the truth.
Thursday, nothing happened unless you count the annoyed look, he gave me when I was being loud in the lunchroom and again in the hallway before class because someone called my name from the end of the hallway and I yelled back rather loudly right next to him.
Every time I seemed to annoy him, I later questioned if I was misreading things and creating a problem where there was none. We didn’t know each other well so he had no reason to be so bothered by me.
Either way I thought of him and the situation way too often, it was sad because I knew he didn’t go home and think about me and if by chance he did, it wasn’t in a nice way.
I didn’t even like the guy, yeah, he was sexy as hell, but he was hot and cold and kind of mean when I really thought about it.
I was about to leave the class when he called my name and I stopped as the last student left the room before me and I looked at the closed door in envy.