by C L Walker
My heart was racing for no reason, you’d think he was suggesting we do something other than organize papers.
The box was overstuffed, it was so unorganized I was surprised, and it must have shone on my face.
He looked embarrassed as he said, “It’s my first year okay, six classes come with a lot of papers to deal with.” He set down another box that was empty and several empty folders. “It’s a little overwhelming at times.”
“I didn’t say a word,” I mumbled, as I sat down on the floor since that’s where he was putting everything.
I sat against the wall and crossed my legs at my ankles as he sat across from me and moved things around so that they were between us and easily accessible to us both.
Once he was settled his eyes trailed slowly up my legs as his mouth fell into a frown and before I could ask, he pulled off his vest and threw it at me.
I barely caught it before it hit me in my face as he said, “I still don’t understand school uniforms that force girls to wear such short skirts, it’s sexist as all hell. Put it across your lap so you can sit more comfortably.” He hadn’t offered me a cover, he demanded it which I found amusing.
“Thanks. Are you sure this is for my benefit though, and not yours?” I asked, as I had seen the look in his eyes.
Even though a few minutes before I had sworn to back off and be more inconspicuous, but once I was in his presence, I lost all self-preservation.
But it couldn’t be helped as I recalled Amber’s assumptions and thought maybe, just maybe he saw the woman in me.
It was like an instinct to push him for some reason, I had to see where it would go. Even if it was going nowhere quickly, I’d still chase him just for the thrill of it.
He cleared his throat and dropped a pile of papers in my lap. “Just because you’re an adult now doesn’t mean the things you say are any less inappropriate Kyla.”
He didn’t deny my subtle accusation, but I let it go.
“I told you I can’t help myself,” I said with a smile.
I wasn’t sure what I was trying to imply but I felt bold, I was eighteen and perfectly legal so it couldn’t hurt to try and tempt him, right? He wouldn’t be my teacher forever after all and no matter what he said Amber could be right, we could be building up to something.
Hopefully, a lovely explosion.
“Then that’s your first lesson as an adult. Not holding yourself back at the right times can result in dire consequences.” He stopped rummaging through the papers to look at me. “It’s not always the easy thing but you have to learn to pick your battles.”
That may be true, but it wouldn’t always be as sometimes taking a leap and going for what you want is the only way to live. I didn’t plan on holding myself back as long as no one would be hurt in the process. Like with him, I was pushing my luck but the only one who was at risk of getting hurt was me.
It was dumb of me to push him right after what had happened, but knowing that he hadn’t told anyone, and that he didn’t feel shame over me seeing him made me feel like he didn’t really care.
He was mad, yes, but maybe for a different reason than I had originally thought.
“But that’s no fun,” I said, and I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth as I glanced up at him from beneath my lashes.
“Real cute.” He rolled his eyes.
I put my childishness behind me and tried to appeal to him seriously. “Maybe you should let go of whatever you’re holding yourself back from Mr. Tanaka, it goes both ways you know. Constantly doing the complete opposite of what you want isn't always the right choice either, sometimes you have to treat yourself and your desires.”
The suggestion was there, and I thought that his reaction would tell me once and for all if he saw me.
I stared at his face and waited impatiently.
Do you see me Sora?
It was clear to me that he wasn’t going to verbally admit to anything, but his eyes said enough.
His eyelids fell just a touch as he looked down at my mouth, then he took a deep breath and looked away. “Fucking hell woman,” he mumbled, as I watched him quickly collect himself, and hide all the pieces I was dying to get my hands on and put together. “For once, can you do what you’re told and preferably without any talking.”
“No talking? You want to sit here in an awkward silence so we can listen to each other breathe?” I asked.
It wasn’t fair that he didn’t want me to talk, that he didn’t want to get to know me at all. Because if all else failed I hoped that we would at least be friends in the end, even if I was a friend that drove him crazy.
But much to my disappointment he ignored me, he didn’t even apologize for his language, but I wasn’t expecting him to because there was no need to with me, which signified a difference in our relationship that he refused to acknowledge.
“Please sort through those according to class number and put each class into its own folder with sub dividers between the different assignments.” He pointed to the stack in my lap and began sorting through his own without another word.
All work no play.
I had said the silence would be awkward, but it wasn’t, and if it had been anyone else it would have been. The tension aside it felt easy to be around him, everything else faded away and I was content with every passing moment no matter what I was doing.
I glanced at him every so often then I’d look away until I’d feel his gaze on me, and my eyes would snap up to catch his drifting back down to his hands. It was like a game of cat and mouse.
I made it about a half hour before I felt the need to speak again, we had an opportunity to talk without listening ears and it felt shameful to waste it. If only I had witty things to say or knew of things he liked to discuss, but I didn’t know much about his personal tastes. He was a closed book.
“You should have showed us your own introduction letter,” I said, breaking the silence.
I had thought of it a few times, what his introduction might be like. You can tell a lot about a person by their writing style and the things they decide to present about themselves.
There were the people who either revealed only surface things that did little to help you get to know them and then there were people who put it all out there, whatever was on their minds. They didn’t feel the need to hide themselves behind a mask, but I couldn’t tell which he was. If he wore a mask, I didn’t think it was because he was ashamed, I had a feeling he just didn’t care enough to show people who he was.
“What do you mean, like an example?” he asked, without looking up at me as he stapled papers together.
He was sitting crisscross applesauce and looked sort of adorable as he concentrated on his task. His brow furrowed as he looked down at the papers in his hand that were too thick for a staple.
I laughed at his frustration and he looked up at me in question.
“Yeah, but your own paper, so your students could know a bit about you as well.”
He laughed at my suggestion. “You do realize you’d be the only student interested in reading anything about me, right?”
I didn’t believe that was true, I was sure most of the girls were very interested in every word that came out of his mouth.
“Then write one for me, I want to know who you are,” I said, “and don’t even say that word okay, give me another reason why not because inappropriate does not mean impossible.”
He tossed the papers down on his lap, sat back on his hands and stared at me in an unidentifiable way.
I picked up the papers he had set down and noticed the surprise on his face when my knuckles brushed against his thigh, but he didn’t say anything about it.
“Because it would be unseemly. Unbecoming. Indecorous. Shall I go on?” he asked.
I used a paper clip to secure the large stack together and set it back in his lap. “Using other words to replace inappropriate does not count Mr. Tanaka. It’s the meaning of the word I detest. You really are no fun.”
&n
bsp; “I’m not supposed to be fun; I’m supposed to be your teacher,” he said.
Which is no fun considering the things I wished he would teach me about my body.
“You know you could make it easier on me and treat me like you do all your other teachers,” he suggested, as if that were possible.
“What about when you aren’t my teacher any longer? What then? Can I finally talk to you like one adult to another? Because I am an adult now and that’s obviously here to stay,” I said.
He pushed himself up and straightened out his body again before a heavy sigh escaped his lips. “I don’t know Kyla,” he said. “Then I guess I’ll be your neighbor and you’ll be free to talk to me as you wish. But I really don’t see why this is such a big deal to you.”
I leaned forward to look at him closer, I could tell it made him nervous, but he didn’t move and before I could even blink, he masked his emotions. He always managed to look bored with me, uninterested and always ready to get away as fast as he could. But I finally realized how forced it was.
“Do you really not see?” I asked, quite confused by his statement.
“See what?” He shifted awkwardly and continued to sort through his papers, obviously it was yet another conversation he didn’t want to have with me.
I could take a hint, so I didn’t say anything else and we spent the next hour in silence.
We got all his papers sorted and we said our goodbyes and he didn’t even tell me happy birthday.
Since I had detention and didn’t get home until late, we stayed in town for dinner and I decided to go to the Mexican restaurant so I could overstuff myself with chimichangas, and stuff myself I did.
My sister showed up unfortunately, but she managed to be on her best behavior and she also got me a hundred-dollar gift card to a make-up shop, so I couldn’t complain.
We went out for ice cream and a movie afterwards and my parents agreed to allow Amber to stay the night even though it was a school night.
When we got home Amber and I walked behind my parents up the stairs of our front porch so my dad could unlock the door. We were cracking up over something random I had said when my mom turned towards me with a package in her hands.
“That’s weird, it’s for you Kyla,” she said curiously, and we walked inside, then she turned around and waited like she expected me to open my gift in front of her.
“I’m going upstairs, thank you again for everything.” I gave her and my dad both hugs and bolted up the stairs as Amber followed just as quickly behind me.
I barely closed the door before she was hounding me. “Open it girl, you’re killing me,” she said from beside me, as we both stared down at the small package in my hands.
“What if it’s from Sora?” I said, and I ran my hand across it to feel the paper beneath my fingers.
“Yeah and what if it’s not? We could ponder this all day or here’s an idea, you could open the damn thing,” she said, but I didn’t want to face the disappointment if it wasn’t from him.
I pulled my attention away from the package and looked at her pointedly. “Why are you so pushy? The sooner I open it the sooner I will know it’s not from him. So, can’t you let me imagine what that would be like for a minute? Geesh.”
“Why in the hell are you so sentimental?” she said, and when I continued to stare at her with pleading eyes she sighed and threw herself on my bed. “Fine. Dream away you little weirdo.”
Since she finally gave in, I started unwrapping it right away and she flung her body back upwards off the bed and was by my side before I unveiled the front.
I could tell it was a book through the brown paper that was wrapped around it and held together by a brown tie.
But who was it from? Everyone in town knew where I lived but which of my friends would feel too shy to give it to me in person?
I sighed when I decided it was probably some guy from school that I had no interest in.
“The moment of truth, drumroll please,” I said, and then I finally tore the paper completely off as Amber drummed her hands on my desk behind me.
It was an old cloth bound, green book, that said, “Poems,” at the top and below it, it said Emily Dickinson in gold writing. Gold flowers ran up the cover and I ran my fingers over them before I opened the book. There was also a small note inside.
Happy Birthday Kyla,
I know you like poetry, but I confess that I have no idea which poets you enjoy. Hopefully, you like her and can appreciate this book I am giving to you. Don’t take this and run with it. The rules are still the rules, and they are not meant to be broken. Sometimes I can’t help myself as well and let’s leave it at that, because that would be the adult thing to do even if it’s becoming the hard thing to do.
“What? Why are you smiling like an idiot? Who’s it from Ky, come on?” Amber had ditched being reasonable once again and was whining by my side and tugging on my sleeve as she tried to get a peek before I closed the cover.
I hugged the book to my chest and danced around my room as I said, “It’s from him!”
I was so excited, not only was it from Sora but it was thoughtful and romantic even if he didn’t mean for it to be.
“Because I totally know who ‘him’ is,” Amber said with her hands on her hips, as she looked very displeased.
She was as bad as I was when it came to not knowing what was going on. We were both incredibly nosey. But it should have been obvious to her, who else would I be excited over aside from Sora?
I handed her the book and she opened it to read the note he had left for me.
“How could you not know who I meant? It’s from Sora, he gave me a freaking birthday present!” I said quietly in case my parents were near my room.
“What, how do you know?” she asked. “It doesn’t say who it’s from?”
“Because one, it's his handwriting and two, the last thing he said about not being able to help himself. That’s the excuse I’ve given him a few times for my behavior.”
“What the hell!? And he said it back to you! Girl get out of here. This is huge. This means something!” she said, as she started to dance around the room with me.
“Yeah but he still shut me down a few hours ago. He thinks my very existence is inappropriate.” I set the book down carefully on my nightstand by my bed and changed into pajamas.
Amber followed suit and changed into hers as well and we climbed into my bed together.
“And yet he still can’t help himself? I knew it he totally wants you! This is so bad and exciting!”
“I don’t want to say for sure yet. Even though his words implied that there was a struggle on his end,” I said.
It was all too confusing, and I didn’t have the mental energy to try and sort it all out. “You can’t mention this ever,” I said, even though I didn’t have to because Amber had never -in our entire twelve-year friendship- betrayed me, and she never would.
“I know,” she said, as she tucked her arms behind her head and stared up at the glowing stars on my ceiling. “I wonder if sex with him would be different.”
“Hey!” I smacked her arm and she rolled away laughing. “Don’t think about having sex with him.”
“Oh, come on Ky, you’ve thought about it, admit it you little peeping Tom.”
“Fineeeee. You have a point, and who could blame me? Have you seen him? His gorgeous face, strong arms, his thick thighs, goodness. I’m sure having his attention on you in anyway would be delicious.”
“He thiccc,” she said in a goofy voice, and we both giggled.
When we stopped laughing, she sighed beside me, “You’ll have to let me know all about it.” I knew she loved Jake, but I couldn’t help but feel like I heard a little envy in her voice.
Maybe declaring your one and only as a teenager had some major drawbacks.
“Ah whatever, I’m not even like that though. I’m not going to casually seduce my teacher just to get laid. I always think yeah; I’ll go for it but in reality, I’m j
ust being an idiot, playing mind games with myself. I’ll never have him.”
“Then seduce him with the intentions of dating him,” she said, but that wasn’t a possibility. “Get to know him over the school year and ask him out on a date next summer!”
“We have nothing in common that I know about aside from a mutual love of the written word.” I turned over and put my arm around her waist and snuggled into her. “What would we do? What would we talk about? I’m still an immature high school kid and he’s a grown man with a career and pretty redheads around to date.”
Damn.
I had forgotten all about Red, jealousy was not a pleasant feeling.
“You don’t know everything about him so who knows what you might have in common.” She yawned as she spoke, and her words came out funny, but I still gathered what she said.
“True.”
“Happy Birthday Ky,” she said softly, and a minute later she was sound asleep.
I felt restless so I slipped out of bed and turned on my desk lamp and sat down with the book he gave me. I started reading with intentions to only read a few poems, but I ended up reading nearly the whole book before I got into bed with wishful thoughts not long before the sun rose.
Chapter 12
Sora
I knew it, I fucking knew it, I had lost my mind and my good sense and there was no getting it back. I shouldn't have done it. Period. I shouldn’t have given her that book, I shouldn’t have given her a gift at all!
It was inappropriate no matter my innocent intentions, or rather no matter how much I convinced myself at the root of all my thoughts for her, there was an innocent fascination.
The lies I told myself.
I blamed my loneliness and the fact that I had no one important to share my life with aside from my mom. I was a fool who was desperate for a human connection and Kyla was there, no, she was everywhere.
And despite the wiser voice in my head urging me to take a step back and not let her pull me in I took a step in her direction anyways. When I found out it was her birthday I went home and ended up rummaging through my bookshelves. I was looking for a specific book, I knew exactly which one to give her, and I pulled it off my oak shelf with a smile when I found it.