by C L Walker
“Maybe you should say that to him,” she said, but I felt that I needed to give him some time to think about things even though I was angry and wanted to settle it right away.
But I needed to learn to give people space and time, I couldn’t push every issue or expect everyone else to work on my time.
“I will soon. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. So, enough about me! How are you and Philip? I know it’s only been a day since we talked but obviously a lot can happen.”
Her eyes lit up when I mentioned his name and I felt better knowing that she was happy, and things were going well for her.
“We’re dating. Officially,” she said, and I could tell how excited she was. “It’s nice, I’ve never felt like this before, it’s not the same because I’m older now and what I had with-” She didn’t finish because she started laughing.
“What is it?” I asked.
She wiped the water from her eyes. “It’s just not the same. I’m having fun already,” she said, and I started laughing with her. “It’s a new experience that I am looking forward to.”
“Good! We all deserve to have some fun!”
The next morning I wasn’t sure about how I should go about everything.
Should I have texted him last night?
Was it good that I left him alone?
When we passed each other in the hallway should I have smiled at him instead of walking by?
I honestly didn’t know how to make it easier for him and look out for myself at the same time. I didn’t know how to convince him it was okay to be with me and I was terrified that I was wrong, that he really did just want to have sex with me.
I was trying to be understanding despite being jerked around but when I got to his class I was pissed when I saw a substitute teacher sitting in his desk. He had left for the rest of the day right after lunch.
As soon as I sat down, I texted him.
Me: Coward. You left right before my class?
Sora: Don’t be angry, I’m worried it will be painted on my face for the world to see. Red already knows, as if that’s not bad enough… and it’s been one day.
Me: No one is going to find out, we will be even better than before, no contact outside of your house. But you need to figure out what I am to you.
Sora: I don’t know…It’s not just you I worry about. I touched you at school, what the hell was I thinking?
Me: You weren’t thinking but nothing bad came of it. And it was hot right? So, stop beating yourself up.
Sora: I’m not.
Me: Then why aren’t you here?
Sora: I’m just taking one bloody day woman. Chill out.
Me: You had a day yesterday, it was a “teacher training day” which you didn’t attend! You’re slacking because of me! STOP IT! AND! I HAVE NO CHILL YOU KNOW THAT!
Sora: They think I was ill yesterday and still feeling it today, its fine. I do know that, that you have no chill I mean to say, and for some reason I find it adorable.
Me: I feel sick…
Sora: Why? Are you okay?
Me: Could you let me off this roller coaster please?
Sora: = | I never wanted to ride it either. You could have left me alone.
Me: But I couldn’t help myself. And I think you would have come to me either way…
Sora: Fair enough.
Me: Well figure it out Sora because I want it all, I never said so before, but I want a relationship, but only if it is with you. And if you can’t give it to me then be straight up about it because I can’t do this anymore and I won’t be a friend with benefits.
Sora: Okay, thank you for telling me.
When I got home, I wanted to go over to his house but that would only prove that I wasn’t ready to be discreet. So, I went up to my room and paced back and forth as I debated my options.
I looked out my window to see if I could see him in his room, but his blinds were closed.
“Bahhh!” I threw myself on my bed and turned on the tv.
I found a video about conspiracy theories surrounding the government and changed into my pajamas while I listened.
I tried to stay focused, but I couldn’t manage it because I was obsessed with resolving the issue and I didn’t know how to deal.
I wouldn’t push it; I knew he needed to think but that didn’t mean I couldn’t talk to him at all, right?
Meh. Its true, I have no chill.
Me: So, I’ve done some thinking.
Sora: Have mercy! I’m the one that’s supposed to be doing some thinking…
Me: How is that relevant?
Sora: For someone who is so smart you sure do play dumb impeccably.
Me: As I was saying. So, I’ve been thinking, and we should talk more. Not about us. Just talk, be normal and stuff...
Sora: Alright...that’s harmless. So, what are you doing?
Me: Watching conspiracy theories. You?
Sora: Ha, seriously? I got sucked into the Illuminati ones for an entire night. I felt like a legit investigator there for a minute… it was frightening. I never go that deep anymore.
Me: Same dude. There are some suspicious activities going on out there, best keep your wits about you.
Sora: Says the girl who seduces me into suspicious activities.
Me: *Aggressively clears throat* Ahem, you didn’t say what you are doing?
Sora: Lying in bed thinking about you.
Me: I need further clarification...
Sora: You have school tomorrow, get some sleep. Goodnight sweetheart.
Me: Dang it. Goodnight.
The days rolled by and it was Friday before I knew it. Surprisingly, it hadn’t been awkward between us throughout the week. We talked every night, but no one brought our situation up and I let him have his time and hoped for the best.
I strolled into his class during lunch because I knew he was hiding in there.
He rolled his eyes when he saw me and said, “Kyla, you shouldn’t be in here.”
I ignored him, took my seat, pulled out a notebook and my English textbook and made it look like I was in there to work on an assignment.
“Kyla?”
“I won’t make it a habit, don’t worry,” I said.
He sighed but said, “Alright.”
Without looking up from my textbook I asked, “Why do you keep eating in here?”
“Because I always end up watching you if I eat in the cafeteria. I’m seriously creeping myself out. I’m so obvious. Can you not be alluring please?” he asked.
“I won’t apologize for that because it would be a damn shame if you didn’t want me the way I want you.” I looked at him as sensuously as I could until he looked down at his sandwich with great interest.
“It can’t be like this forever,” I said, and I noticed how my voice trembled and revealed my insecurity. “You hiding I mean, and me seeking you out.”
He finished what he was chewing as he leaned back in his chair. “I know. I don’t think we could manage to be friends either,” he said, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be around you and not want to kiss you.” He didn’t look happy about his confession, so I hid my smile.
“Yeah it’d be annoying watching how jealous you’ll get over my boyfriends as well, so friends definitely won’t work.”
He made a weird noise as he swallowed down his food. “’Boyfriends’? How many do you plan on having?” he asked.
I looked up at him and smiled.
One. Just one more.
“I'm sure I’ll go through a lot trying to find one I like as much as you.” The side of his mouth turned up and it thrilled me to see how much my saying so pleased him.
“As if you’d ever find someone like me,” he countered, but his voice lacked confidence.
Good.
He needed to remember that he wasn’t the only man in the world.
If you want someone to be yours and yours alone, you have to treasure them, and treat them so well they never want to leave.
Sora was either going to treasure me or he wasn’t going to have me.
Chapter 25
Sora
It’d been weeks since I touched her, and it was all I thought about, even when I dreamt, woke up, and even when I was working...in a school surrounded by kids.
My life was a giant beautiful mess because of her.
I visited my mom the day before wanting a comfort only a mother could provide but of course I wasn’t going to find that with her. She had her own problems.
When she had been in the kitchen making dinner, I went into her room to look under her bed to see if she still had a stash of pills and she did.
When she followed me in and caught me snooping, she threw a plastic mixing bowl at me and it hit me in the head.
She had told me it had been weeks since she had bought any, so I felt beyond frustrated as I sat there on the floor by her bed. I didn’t even bother to stop the little bit of blood from dripping down my forehead, and when she crashed at my feet crying because she had accidentally hurt me, I hugged her and begged her to take care of herself because that’s all I wanted.
Afterwards, all I had wanted to do was go to Kyla and burry my head in her lap and cry, cry for my mom, for myself and because I was too much of a coward to be selfish and take what I wanted.
I had texted her and told her I was going to my moms and when she asked how it went, I said it was fine instead of asking her to come over. I told her that my mom was fine because she was, as fine as she ever was anyways.
I acted like everything was peachy, like I wasn’t desperate for her.
I didn’t make any more mistakes at school, as I had realized that the things I had done there before were colossally reckless, I couldn’t even think about it without shaking my head and feeling shame.
Behaving in public had done nothing to curb my desires inside for her, but I couldn’t help that when the sex was so amazing, it was like reaching another existence, we came apart and back together in such a beautiful way.
Beautiful? For fucks sake, here I go again.
The fact that I had apparently replaced inappropriate with beautiful was a sure sign I was going to Hell.
“What’s on your mind?” I turned to Red who sat on the couch beside me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I wasn’t where I wanted to be, that I wanted to be out on a date with Kyla, buying her dinner and showering her lovely skin with kisses.
I gave her a reassuring smile and tried to push my thoughts and frustrations away and focus on being a decent friend to her. “Nothing really, it’s been a long couple of weeks I guess.”
I didn’t even mention Kyla, which she might have found weird but what was there to say about it when she knew breaking the rules was hard for me.
She patted my hand like she knew something was up as Kyla came in with Amber and Philip and sat on the couch in front of us.
Of course.
I pulled my hand out quickly as Kyla smiled and waved at Red, she only glanced at our hands briefly, but I was still worried that she would get the wrong idea.
I hated small towns. Everything had bad timing and you were always seen by someone. It’s why I feared getting caught so much, I felt like they had eyes everywhere.
But maybe that was also because I was new in town, maybe they wouldn’t be as judge mental as I thought. Maybe if I gave them a chance, they would accept me and not hate me for wanting her once she graduated.
Maybe.
I rubbed my hands down my jeans anxiously as I watched her take a seat on the left side of Philip, he strung both his arms around the girls and pulled them in while they chatted happily amongst themselves.
I leaned away from Red so I could send Kyla a text message.
Me: She patted my hand to comfort me, she thinks I’m upset...
I watched Kyla lift her phone up and check my message, but she didn’t reply so I pulled out my phone to send her another message, but she didn’t reply again.
Shit, she’s mad.
I was considering how I was going to explain things to her later when she turned around in her seat and planted her head on her palms and smiled at me sweetly.
“Hi, Sora,” she said, and the tension left my body immediately.
Hey, baby girl.
“Hey Kyla,” I said, with a small smile of my own as I realized how desperately I was craving such a small thing from her.
She smiled at red before she turned around and resumed her previous position which included Philip’s arm around her much to my dismay. I thought eventually she would brush him off, but his arm laid there for almost the entire poetry reading. I thought him and Amber were a thing, so I was seriously wondering why the fuck he had his arm around my girl.
I stared at the back of his head more than I watched the stage, and I tapped my foot in frustration not realizing again how much my emotions showed.
My girl? I wasn’t sure my thoughts ever aligned with what they should, or with what I wanted them to because she wasn’t mine.
Red tapped my shoulder to get my attention. “What’s going on? Why are you fidgeting like that?”
I turned towards her abruptly as people started to clap and she looked at me like I was weird because honestly, I was in fact being completely weird.
“Nothing,” I said, “I’m being extremely stupid right now so ignore me.”
I smacked my leg as if that would prevent it from shaking again and I sat forward in my seat with my face in my hands for the rest of the reading.
When it was over, she stood up and walked over to Kyla and I couldn’t hear what she was saying but when she came back the three of them followed behind her.
“Let’s all go have dinner,” she said, and I said nothing in return as I was dumbstruck by what was happening.
I wasn’t sure why she invited them, but she seemed to forget they were a bunch of high school kids. Or maybe I was the only one that really saw it as such a big deal and maybe my guilt led me to believe the distance was greater than it was.
“Really Sora, are you going to get up or what? She’s your neighbor, things are only weird if you make them look like they are.”
I looked at her then, really looked at her and saw the knowledge in her eyes, she knew I had it bad and without asking she knew what the biggest problem was, I couldn’t be with Kyla and do normal things.
Red saw me and I appreciated her for it.
I stood up with a sigh, feeling a little less hopeless, as I looked at Kyla then and I imagined how bad she must have felt because I slept with her and drew another line she couldn’t cross.
I was a real prick.
She looked a little confused about what was going on, but she naturally went with the flow. So, when Red grabbed her arm, she went with her happily as I followed behind them, and we all began the walk to the Mexican restaurant that was 5 blocks away.
It was a clear night and the stars shone brightly.
It was cold so I stuffed my hands in my pockets and wondered if Kyla was freezing in her thin skirt even though it was long.
I glanced down at her ass that was hugged tightly by the thin material and quickly looked away before my uncontrollable lust was on display. She was perfect.
It was childish really, the way I saw her, but there was something even more magical about her at night. Something that I couldn’t deny. The way the streetlights illuminated her purple hair and her pale skin and made it look even more creamy, and her eyes… I could drown in those green orbs.
When her soft laughter floated back to me, I felt like I could breathe again, I was going through all the highs and lows that day.
Two weeks had been too long when all I had wanted to do was breathe her in.
She turned back and looked for me and when her eyes met mine there was a quiet understanding between us and everything else around me drowned out.
I loved her, and I needed to tell her.
One touch wasn’t going to be enough, I suddenly needed it all and having her love in ret
urn would make all the risks worth it.
I hadn’t known her for very long, and I had so much to learn about her, but I wanted to know everything. I wanted to be one of the few that got to be a part of her world.
She stopped and the rest of them walked on without her as she waited until she was beside me and she adjusted her pace to fit my lazy crawl.
She didn’t say anything at all, she was just there.
I took one of my hands out of my pocket and let it hang by my side so it could graze hers every so often.
The first time it happened she sighed and when I looked at her, she smiled.
It was interesting to see the other side of her, the quiet side, the side that was calm and made me feel as if everything was going to be okay.
She had so many aspects to her personality, she was outspoken and fun, stubborn and demanding but she was also wise beyond her years and loyal.
When we got to the restaurant Red, Philip and Amber stuffed themselves all on one side of the round booth and left the other side for Kyla and me.
She scooted in until she was sitting somewhat near Amber and I slid in next to her.
I grabbed her hand under the table, and I could tell she was surprised.
I should have held her hand sooner and asked her to come over again and ease my weary soul.
I was never going to put myself or her through that again, two weeks was far too long.
She leaned into me, and the pressure of her body on my side felt right.
“What’s going on? You’re quiet, and that scares me,” she whispered into my ear, and everyone at the table stared at us.
I raised my brows at them, and they all busied themselves with pointless conversation. Amber even mentioned the weather at some point, and I would have laughed if I wasn’t so consumed with the nearness of Kyla’s body.
“I miss you,” I said, “don’t be scared.”
She bit her lip and glanced away for a moment. “Was it your idea to invite us?” she asked.
“Can we talk about it later tonight?” I asked in return, before I put a chip in my mouth, as I tried my best to act as if everything were normal.