by Anna Ruch
Four days later I set off early in the morning for Cambridge. My first course led me to my office on the faculty. Jill was already there and sorted documents for tomorrow's workshop.
"Good morning, Professor Miller. How was your weekend?" Friendly as always, she handed me a coffee straight away.
"Thank you, it was just a dream. I was able to switch off well and recharge my batteries for the last weeks. Besides, I have come very far with my travel planning. Thanks for the coffee." I smiled at her.
"So how was your weekend, Jill?"
"I have learned a lot and worked on my essay. I also met a friend of yours. We met by chance on the steps of the library and had a very pleasant conversation in her favourite café. She wanted to visit them here, but unfortunately didn't find them."
Who was Jill talking about? My friends were in New York and my colleagues from university knew that I had gone home for the weekend. My irritation was obvious to me.
"She left me her card for her. Hold on, I'll get it in a minute." I grabbed her bag. I stood impatiently before her.
"Ah, here she is."
Even before I could completely read the address on the business card, I knew that Hannah had tried to visit me. I felt my knees soften and my stomach tighten. This could not be true. Of all weekends, I was not here. Why hadn't she signed up? Then I would have been here. Oh, no, this couldn't be happening. I guess I just had to shake, and then I'd wake up from a bad dream.
"Is everything okay, Professor Miller?"
Jill pushed me anxiously to my chair. Probably the colour had also disappeared from my face. No, I had to pull myself together. It was just a stupid coincidence. Luckily, she had left me her card, and I would call her. I wanted a sign from her.
"Thank you, Jill. It's okay. I guess that ride got to me a little bit after all. Since I have no appointments today, I'm gonna go home and rest for a while."
As if in a trance, I made my way to my apartment and just wanted to be alone. The door fell in the lock and I let myself fall onto my bed. My heart was racing and my throat closed. She had been here. She had been sitting in my café. I wonder if she left me a message.
I ran down the steps to my mailbox and found a note from her there.
Be at Café The Cup tomorrow around 11:00. Wait for you there. Hannah
It was immediately clear to me that we had missed each other by only a few minutes or even seconds. Fate was not on our side.
HANNAH
Fortunately John and Jeff understood that I only wanted to leave New York. Even though nothing really happened and there was no lasting reason for sadness, I was quite upset. I wanted to get back to Germany as soon as possible, back to my four walls and wait for her to call me.
What if she wouldn't call me? Or I'm not home in time? Chaos, I was in chaos. I never knew myself like this before. Hey, I wanted to surprise her, and surprises are based on the other person not being in the loop. So, I said to myself, cheer up. It's gonna be all right. Yeah, I was sure. No matter what the route, we would find each other.
EMMA
Three days later I had gathered enough courage and dialed her number. But instead of her voice, an automatic announcement sounded that the subscriber could not be reached at the moment. However, if you left a message after the beep, you would be called back. No, I did not want to leave a message on an answering machine. If I did, then I wanted to speak to them personally. Probably she was not back home yet.
In the following days I dialed her number again and again. I just needed to reach her. Meanwhile, I had been trying my luck for a week.
It was Friday and in Germany at about 11 pm. When I was about to give up hope, after the second ringing the phone was picked up.
"Hannah Schwarz."
Yeah, it was her voice. She sounded like she did then and everything came back. The tingling on my skin, the butterflies in my stomach and the latent fear of not being able to speak a reasonable sentence. Since I did not react immediately, I heard her ask "Hello" into the receiver. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. My hat was burning and my throat was suddenly very tight.
"Hello, Hannah. It's ....Emma."
Silence. I hope she didn't hang up on me. The moment would have been too short. But why would she hang up? Her visit to my university had clearly shown that she too was thinking of me and wanted to see me again. But what if she had changed her mind by now? I had to try to silence the voices in my head.
"Oh, my God, Emma. Is it really you?"
How excited she sounded. She seemed really happy to get my call. Or was it just politeness? But what sense would that make?
"Yes, it's me."
Even I could hardly believe it. A dream seemed to come true. My heart leapt and I felt this connection again.
"You cannot imagine how happy I am to hear your voice. When I got back to Cambridge from New York and heard from Jill that you wanted to visit me, I couldn't believe it."
Quietly, I just thought. Breathe in, breathe out. This is just a phone call. It's a phone call to the woman of my dreams. A phone call I'd been waiting for for almost 12 months. No, I couldn't really calm down. Why should I? Since when are you supposed to control your feelings when they're good feelings? And these are definitely good feelings.
"I, too, have longed for you and that is why I came to Cambridge. When Jill told me you weren't there, it was as if someone was pulling the rug out from under me."
"I'm so terribly sorry. If I had known you were coming to me, I never would have gone to New York in my life. I would have loved to see you again."
I looked at the clock and realized that unfortunately I had to hurry up a little as I had to go to a faculty dinner.
So we arranged for a more detailed and longer telephone conversation the next evening. With a heavy heart we ended our conversation and made sure how much we had missed the other one.
HANNAH
With the receiver still in my hand, I could not really understand what had just happened. I was talking to Emma. Oh, how soft her voice sounded. How warm it sounded in my ear. She had longed for me and was disappointed I hadn't met her. Was it to be that my patience and confidence was now paying off?
I convulsively tried to calm myself down.
My stomach was bouncing and my thoughts were racing through my head. Tomorrow we would talk on the phone. God, how grateful I was. 11 months and 16 days without her were so long. All of a sudden, the waiting seemed like it was wiped away. Forget the lonely nights, the sad moments and the quiet doubts. As it was already close to midnight, I couldn't call Marie anymore. I also wanted to enjoy the feeling alone and sort myself out.
The next day was like a movie in front of me and I was only a minor character. By lunchtime, the hours stretched like chewing gum. I kept looking at my watch and wondering what it was doing.
In the evening Marie and Nina came by. We were going to cook dinner together. Since Nina was at my home for the first time, she first got a little tour of my maisonette apartment. Over the years I had developed my own style. It was a mixture of old and new furniture. Little accents here and there and the photos of my travels on the walls. I lived on two floors. On the lower one was my open kitchen and the living area. The upper floor was reached via a spiral staircase. Upstairs were the bathroom, my study and my bedroom.
After a few minutes we all met in my small kitchen and tried to make the best use of the space. While Marie poured the wine, Nina set the table and I took care of the stove. I casually mentioned that Emma had called me the night before.
The sudden silence of the two was theatrically underlined by the soft music in the background. Big eyes were looking at me and I felt how happy the two of them were with me. Of course, they wanted to know all the details and know exactly how I felt.
"How am I supposed to feel about this? I'm happy."
Yes, and how happy I was, they could see on my face and that tears were streaming down my eyes from the happiness. I couldn't and wouldn't say any more. One after
the other they both pressed me and Marie grinned the whole time.
"Oh, yes. And today we'll talk on the phone again. She'll call me around 11 pm."
"Well, we still have time until then", Marie replied mischievously and winked at Nina in a very meaningful way.
"After all, it's only 8:00."
We chatted, drank wine and my eyes kept wandering to the clock. Shortly before 11 p.m. I asked the two of them to start walking slowly. Finally, I wanted to talk to Emma on the phone in peace. With a feigned indignation, they both agreed and Marie asked me to give her a book that I had bought for her. So I went upstairs and the inevitable happened. As soon as I got upstairs, the phone rang. Since I had both handsets downstairs today of all days, I asked that one of them should please pick up. Probably they were having a little fight, but upstairs I heard Nina - a little out of breath - taking the call.
"On black." At the other end something seemed to be said, because Nina paused for a moment.
"Sweetheart, it's for you," she called and held the phone up to me. As fast as I could, I rushed down the stairs and indicated to both of them to leave.
"Hannah Schwarz." As usual, I announced myself with my full name. But what I heard was only the signal of a broken line. Confused, I stared at the telephone and would have liked to press the redial button. Only there was no number displayed.
I can't remember how long I held the device in my hands. There was only one phone call that night that I didn't get. Or the following evenings.
EMMA
Okay. According to my watch, it was 5:00 p.m. and in Germany, 11:00 p.m. As we agreed, I dialed Hannah's number. All day long I had been looking forward to it and could hardly concentrate on anything else. It rang, twice, three times, and then it picked up. I could hear someone breathing heavily and in the background there was very quiet music playing.
"On black." That wasn't Hannah's voice. Did I have the wrong number? I looked at the display and compared the number with her card. Not a wrong number. I said who I was and that I wanted to talk to Hannah.
"Honey, it's for you."
It was too much for me. Didn't she have a girlfriend? My head was empty. What was the meaning of that? Was I just an adventure for her? Pretty stunned, I hung up and was unable to dial her number again. Slowly I got up and put her card on my table. I put on my walking clothes and went for a walk around the Charles River. Afterwards I would certainly feel better.
The days went by and I couldn't shake the feeling that I had no place in her life. Well, then I would concentrate on my journey now and in time I would manage to forget the thought of her. After all, it was only one night. How could I have expected that she would still be free months later?
HANNAH
"I don't understand, Marie. Why doesn't she call me." Die Tears were running down my face and my head was already hurting. "I don't know. Maybe she had to leave in a hurry?" Man Marie remarked that she was not really convinced of this. But she did her best to build me up.
I lay on my sofa and everything hurt. Why was it all so unfair? After all these endless months she suddenly appeared and disappeared again immediately. It seemed as if she had looked through the curtain into my life for the second time. Why didn't she stay? Didn't she sense how important she was to me?
In the following weeks I sat in front of my telephone every evening at 11 pm sharp and wished for nothing more than to hear her voice. Of course I had got her number from the information desk. At home she did not answer the phone and at work she asked to be excused.
The summer passed and I put aside the memory of that brief flash. But every night I dreamed of her and prayed for her to come to me. It could not end like this. If only I could understand why she stopped calling. Something must have happened.
EMMA
Stoically I went through my last weeks at the university and was looking forward to my journey. I just wanted to be on the road, collect impressions and try to get Hannah out of my head. Every thought of her hurt me, but I did not have the courage to call her again. At first, Jill reminded me that she had tried to reach me. But my fear was too great. I didn't want to pick up any explanations why she hadn't told me about her. I didn't want to hear that she didn't want to tell me about it that way, no stupid excuses or flimsy evasions. I couldn't understand why she hadn't told me directly. But then what would have been different? My feelings for her? Or disappointment? Probably neither.
My feeling for her was so deeply and firmly rooted in my soul and heart.
But if there was someone with her, I couldn't bear to be near her. As much as I wished to be near her, it was not possible for me to hold out in this position. I had to find a way to deal with it.
HANNAH
The summer was followed by autumn. Autumn has always been my favorite season, and this year too I enjoyed roaming through nature for hours and let my thoughts wander.
Although my feelings for Emma had not changed, the memory faded more and more. I was able to throw myself back into my work with full commitment. The decision to give up my permanent job and become self-employed paid off more and more every day. In addition to good assignments, I was able to concentrate on further training and make the most of my potential. More and more I became absorbed in it and actually managed to ignore my private interests. Only in quiet moments, such as during a walk through the discoloured forest, did my thoughts always come back to the one point. I simply could not understand it.
Nevertheless, I was confident, because it was not allowed to end like this. My feelings revolved only around her, and I didn't want to give up. I did not want to look back on my life one day and wonder what if. No, that was not my way. I would hold on to my confidence and wait for her no matter how long it took. Being aware of what this must sound like to others, I created a place where she and I would be together in my thoughts and dreams. I did not want to accept doubts from others. Nor did I want to hear about difficulties and insurmountable obstacles. For that was usually the only thing I could hear. Hardly anybody had an eye for the positive. Deep in my heart I was sure that she was the woman with whom I wanted to share my life.
"Do you have any plans for Christmas, my dear?" Ach yes, in a couple of weeks it was time, and Marie was worried that I might be alone at the party. "I have nothing concretely planned yet. But I might have a visitor. John had asked me a few weeks ago. He and Jeff have something important to tell me.
"Then we can take them to the sea to celebrate the turn of the year together. What do you think?" You could tell that no matter what I said now, Marie was already in the middle of planning.
l"II talk it over with them. If it fits into their plans, I think your suggestion is very good."
Marie was still very happy with her Nina, although they went through various ups and downs. Meanwhile they were looking for a common apartment and spent many hours to find a suitable object. All the more I was happy that she did not forget me completely over all the hustle and bustle, but that she integrated me strongly into her life. In this way she also managed to pull me out of my depths again and to give me strength.
EMMA
The weeks passed and before I knew it, I found myself - after a short stopover in New York - on a plane heading for Europe. Actually I wanted to fly directly to Asia, i.e. Bali. But since the rainy season was the dominant weather there, I changed my plans. After all, I had the next twelve months at my disposal and could decide for myself when and where I wanted to stay.
Although I briefly thought about making a detour to Cologne on the plane, I decided against it. The thought still hurt too much. Maybe I would see them there together. No, I did not want that.
My first trip took me to London. In the past I had already visited the United Kingdom several times on business. But never before had I taken the time to see the city from the perspective of a tourist or a person who tried to slow down time. Now I wanted to treat myself to this pleasure and planned to stay in the city for at least two weeks. Afterwards I was going to cross the isl
and in a rented car before my journey took me to Greece. Yes, I had planned to start with the cultural things first, before going into the seclusion and diversity of Asia. I did not dare to jump directly into this culture and way of life, which was very foreign to me.
My two weeks in London flew by. Every day I was out and about in the city, just drifting. Walking in Hydepark and a corresponding stop at Speakers Corner, strolling along Petticoat Lane and reverently climbing into the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral filled my days. I liked this European flair, even though British food would probably never be one of my favourite pastimes.
On one of my last days in this impressive city, I sat on a bench in Notting Hill and had to think of the scene from the film of the same name with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts as he walked along Portobello Road, going through the seasons at the same time. I love this movie, not only because of the two main actors. I've always had a penchant for romance, only I've never felt it so strongly in me. So I sat on my bench and held my travel diary in my hands.
Just as I was about to start writing, my mobile phone rang. Actually, I didn't want to take it with me. I wanted to go through with my inaccessibility, but my friends convinced me that it was better, otherwise they would worry too much. Reluctantly, I agreed and later had to admit that it made me feel better too.
"Emma, where are you right now?"
At the other end I heard Stacy in all her excitement, and with a glance at the clock I had to realize that it was just 9 a.m. in New York. So it must have been something urgent for her to call me so early in the day - for her circumstances.
"I'm still in London." "Good. Are you sitting down?" "Yeah, why do you ask? What happened?"
"You got mail. A wedding invitation." "Who is getting married? And why is that so important to me?" "Jane brought the invitation over. But she's not marrying John Brown." "John who?" I didn't know anyone by that name. "John, this is Hannah's boyfriend. He and his friend are getting married next summer in Vancouver." My God, she was excited. What was going on? "And what does this have to do with me?" I didn't see what she was driving at. "He gave Jane the invitation because he knows from Hannah that you two are friends. And you met John at Hannah's leaving party." So slowly the nickel fell also with me, even if only in cent pieces. "Okay. What am I gonna do at the wedding?" "Hannah will be there. That's a reason, right?"