by Anna Ruch
You're a great woman and you deserve to be carried on your hands. You deserve to be spoiled and accompanied by a woman. You deserve to live your life now. Not sometime. I love you and will always honour you in my heart. But now please go and live your life.
Forgive me, yours Emma.
The news hit like a bomb and tore the ground from under my feet. I'd expected everything but this. Over and over again I read her lines, only I didn't want to and couldn't understand them. I was trembling all over and tears were running down my face.
"Marie, can you please come? Emma has terminated contact." Gefühlte hours, but actually only a good 20 minutes later Marie stood in front of me and took me in her arms. Unable to speak, I pointed to the letter that lay on the table in front of me. Her face spoke volumes and showed me that she too did not really understand.
"I'll make us some tea first."
She disappeared into the kitchen, and I was curled up on my sofa. Though a thousand thoughts flashed through my mind, there was only emptiness in me. What was that about? What had happened? It couldn't have been true. She was the love of my life. Why did she push me away? Had she met someone else and didn't dare say anything? Or had I done something wrong? Had I pushed her?
"Hannah, I'm so sorry. But she loves you. She just needs time."
"But why so? Why does she no longer want contact? I would give her all the time she needs. I love her. I would do anything for her."
"She knows that too. But she doesn't want you to give up on her like this. She can't help it. She's upright and honest. I'm sure she's suffering as you are."
"I don't understand it. It hurts so much." Tears came to my eyes and I sobbed until my neck and head hurt.
"Do you think I'll see her again?"
"Hannah, I'm sure if she's like you, she'll end up like you. But I want you to think of yourself first. Take care of yourself and look life in the face."
Marie stayed over night and endured with me the silence, crying and the eternally same questions. But even she could not take away the pain. Nobody could take away my pain. It was as if my heart had been torn from my body. The world lost its colors and my actions lost their meaning. The days passed cruelly. And the days became weeks. My friends tried to take my mind off things. But I would not allow it. I wouldn't let anyone near me.
I played a role and thus provided myself with the freedom to deal with what had happened.
The letter had already suffered a lot in the meantime, but I knew it by heart. And if I would read it a thousand times more, it would still remain with the separation pronounced by her.
Well, so I thought, no matter what she said or what she did, she couldn't change my feelings about her. She would be in my heart forever. I could not and would not give up the belief in our love, although the memories seemed to me like a glimpse into another life.
EMMA
I had broken my own heart. But I couldn't help it. She was the love of my life. But I had learned on my journey that to love could also mean to let go. She should be happy and not just sometime, but now. It would have been unfair and irresponsible of me to keep her on hold. I had to risk losing her if I did not want to lose myself.
Oh, God, what had I done to her? Would it have been better not to be with her on New Year's Eve? Then maybe she could have said goodbye to me and our memories sooner.
Or did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? No matter how I turned the page, I had to keep going the way I was going. It was the only way to stay ahead of myself. Damn it! Why did it hurt so much? She deserved to be happy. She deserves to live now. If I kept claiming her without being with her, her life would pass her by. I couldn't and wouldn't take responsibility for that. It was her right to open her heart to someone else - whether I wanted to or not.
HANNAH
"John, I wish you both all the luck in the world. If anyone is meant for each other, it's you." With these words I raised my glass and, together with the other guests, saluted them both.
John kissed Jeff and winked at me. The two of them really were a dream couple and the wedding was the perfect setting to show the world, "Look, we belong together! Marie, who had accompanied me to the wedding, was sitting opposite me, and in her look I could see that she would have loved to have Nina with her. But because of her job, Nina couldn't accompany us. Thanks to SMS and chat, however, Marie kept her constantly informed about all the steps.
I took my glass, went out of the marquee and looked for a quiet bench. All the excitement was great, but losing Emma was still too painful for me. By now, I had organized my daily routine in such a way that I could fill my days well. But in the evening hours or moments like these, longing came and knocked loudly on the door of my soul. I wonder what she was doing? I hoped that she was happy and well.
"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" I hadn't even noticed that Jane had sat down next to me.
"What can I say? I could give you an evasive answer right now. Or just tell you the truth." Somewhat forced I smiled at her.
"You don't have to tell me anything. It"s all over your face. Don"t you feel anger inside? I mean, she split up and left you behind."
Her voice sounded very calm and made it clear to me that she was actually interested in my answer.
"Anger? No, I do not feel it. It's not like she did anything bad to me. She was open and honest. She shared with me the things that made her tick. And now she must go her way alone. Grief is what I feel.
"I admire you. I probably would have freaked out."
"Admiration? Admiration for what? You know, sometimes you're lucky enough to meet someone... And the moment has no sense of being special, either. And yet it changes your life. Everything suddenly changes and makes sense. You see this person, and the world seems to stand still. It's like it's bathed in cotton wool. It's surreal. Then you get the great gift of walking a part of the way together. And this magic becomes bigger and bigger, and you have the feeling that you have known this person forever. Before you really understand what's happening, you're already in the middle of the most wonderful story there is in this world.
The feeling for each other is so deep and pure. You can communicate without seeing each other. This all happens without your active participation ... You try to understand and explain. Only feelings, you can't explain. They happen, are just there and touch you deeply and without ifs and buts."
Without meaning to, tears came to my eyes. And I could see that shine in Jane's eyes, too.
"Wow, I've never experienced it myself. But your words make me shiver. Do you think it's over?"
"No. Because if I listen to my gut, I know our time will come. "Emma and I are not of this world. I can't measure it by normal standards. The time, our time, will eventually come. And until then I will keep my feelings for her and the memories of our meetings deep in my heart."
"I'm quite impressed by the depth of your feelings and can understand why you can't give up so easily."
"What does giving up mean? My feelings are there and I can't push them aside. Well, I can try to distract myself and cover them up with other things. But eventually they'll catch up to me."
"Do you think she feels the same way?"
"I think so. Otherwise she wouldn't have written me this letter at the time. I touched her and moved her. She wants to be free for me, for us. I give her the time, even if it's not easy for me."
"I wish you a happy ending. You have earned it."
At some point we went back to the others and partied wildly until deep into the night. The time with my friends helped me to put the thought of Emma aside for at least a few days, and I was able to get completely involved in the here and now.
As I could only wait and see how I felt, I tried to make the best of the situation.
Back in Germany, I did everything I could to bring my company forward. The first months were dominated by a lot of acquisition and bidding discussions. Slowly, however, the lasting success came. My name and my offer got around and I was able to choose
my orders. Even though there were always some special customers or inquiries that attracted me a lot.
EMMA
The weeks went by and I got involved in meditation and spirituality. Time seemed to move at a different pace. The outside world was becoming more and more blurred. Things that had driven me all these years lost their meaning and I came closer and closer to my innermost desires and longings. I was very lucky to find a comfortable accommodation with an American artist couple who had a small guesthouse near Ubud. Every day was determined by the same process, and yet new insights were added daily.
In quiet moments, when the sun slowly bathed the rice fields in an unreal light, I listened to the voices inside me, and nature seemed to enter into a dialogue with me.
Then I was so close to my real world, and the shadows of my past showed me my life and my decisions. In the beginning I could not really do anything with it, because I was almost too frightened by these images and insights. But in many conversations with my hosts I relaxed and just let it happen. There was more than science would have us believe. There was the big connection and even if we block ourselves against our feelings, fate will catch up with us at some point and put everything back into balance.
I wonder how Hannah did. I'm sure she was angry and disappointed. Maybe someday she'd understand why I had to act the way I did.
"And how are you in the jungle?" Stacy could not understand why I had made the decision, but she did not let me feel it.
"Good. I'm on the right track. Everything here is so positive, relaxed and has a deeper meaning. Nothing compared to the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple."
My God, how far away it all was. Even though I had relatively frequent contact with my friends, it all seemed so far away and so little real. Even the TV in my room was mostly silent, because I was not interested in these things at the moment.
"And how are you? How's love?"
"Nothing new. You know me. Doesn't want to commit and after a few weeks I'm bored again and again. "But I hope that I'll get the hang of it someday.
"Oh, Stacy, just stop looking for it. It'll find you." "You're probably right. Say, how long are you going to stay on your island?"
"I guess a few more weeks. But I notice that the time for my departure is approaching. Although it is beautiful here and I have never been so relaxed."
"And how does it go on with you? Will you get in touch with Hannah?"
"I can't tell you. I don't know yet."
"But you love her?"
"Yes, that's right. Only I hurt her a lot and I'm not sure if she wants to see me. So, I'm gonna come back to New York for a while and see how things are going."
I was sure it would all have a happy ending. I just had to trust that. Only at the time, I didn't have a plan as to exactly how it would happen. I was still too far away from everything. Too unreal seemed to me the world outside the island.
On some days, when I drove through the small streets washed down by the rain, I envied the people here. They lived their lives and were infinitely happy. For us non-Hindus the caste system often seems inhuman, almost inhuman. But for the Hindus themselves it is an anchor in the stormy upheavals that did not even stop at Bali.
Where only years ago the jungle and rice plantations determined the picture, hotel complexes now grew. Large coffee house and fast food chains spread everywhere. Many tourists brought their sometimes barbaric rituals with them to this paradise. It was only a matter of time until the power of money and power had gained their supremacy in this special place.
A tour guide once told me about the wishes of some tourists who loved to drink the blood of snakes. The snakes were provoked to do so, and at the moment of greatest tension their heads were cut off. Just the thought of such wishes made it run down my back in a cold sweat. He further explained that this was not allowed according to Hindu faith. Therefore extra traders from the neighboring island came with the snakes living there to certain markets and offered them there.
The longer I was there, the sadder and more stunned I became about the destruction of this paradise.
I also suffered every day from my decision to let Hannah go. I didn't have the courage to call her. Again and again, I wondered how I would have reacted if I had been in her shoes. My teacher also noticed this inner conflict, and he gave me a thought in his wonderfully quiet way.
"For every man there is a counterpart. Unfortunately, not everyone is allowed to recognize it. Sometimes we walk blindly past the other and don't even notice. You are seeing and yet you close your eyes."
At first I did not understand the meaning of his words. But little by little, I understood that I had found my human in Hannah. And that in this encounter was the meaning and the goal of my journey. But how should I approach her now?
HANNAH
Her picture on my bookshelf lit up my eyes every morning, and it was as if she was with me. Maybe it would have been easier for me if I had a reason to be angry with her. But she never offered me that. She was one of the most sincere and authentic people I had ever met. She had never turned her heart into a killer's den. And she had released me to live my life. In retrospect, the whole thing seemed like a kind of knee-jerk reaction to me. She needed time for herself and didn't want to burden me with it. I gave her credit for that.
And yet I couldn't just stop thinking about her. The thought of her was now part of my life, like the morning coffee or the daily shower. She was a part of me without being real with me. In every cell of my body, in every feeling, in every moment she was. My God, how long I had not seen her now. Our surprising meeting on New Year's Eve was now more than a year ago. How often had I discussed the individual sequences with Marie over and over again and had taken them apart. Sometimes I hardly knew anymore what had really been like that or what had been diluted by the later viewing.
What I knew, however, was that there would never be another human being who would impress and touch me so much. No matter from which side I looked at it, she had my life, she had changed me forever. Through her I had learned to pay more attention to myself and my feelings.
HANNAH... - back in the here and now
"My colleague will be with you in a minute." Roughly, I was brought back to the present by my favorite hairdresser, Peer. It was difficult for me to get away from my thoughts of that time. That was a long time ago and what counted now was tomorrow. My first day in the new company. After months of negotiations I could finally start the new project tomorrow. And of course I just wanted to make the very best impression there. How much I had longed for this chance.
Starting tomorrow, I was to support a team in an advertising agency. My task should be to motivate them in their potentials and creativity to more inventiveness and new ways. I had spent the last two years with such assignments and could meanwhile fall back on some references. Nevertheless, the thought of every new project still made me nervous. What if I met with direct resistance? What if the client did not like my approach in practice after all?
I shook my head and freed myself from these considerations. That wasn't me anymore. I used to torpedo myself through self-doubt. Today I knew that I didn't need to. It was clear to me that many people are afraid of innovations and changes, but this was only due to the fact that they had not yet learned to see this phase as a new chance. Over the years I had been able to gain a lot of experience in dealing with such situations. So I took a deep breath and concentrated on my strengths. And the usual stage fright was just part of it.
Impatiently I waited now for the announced colleague. Already after a short moment she appeared on the scene and my new hairstyling could begin. From then on everything went very fast. After about an hour I could leave the salon with a freshly undulated hairstyle. I strolled around the city a bit, because I wanted to arrive tomorrow in good outfit.
Nevertheless, the feelings for Emma from back then were suddenly very present, and the emerging melancholy did not let go of me. But that couldn't be allowed to happen. The feeling of unconditi
onal passion and fulfilment accompanied me day in, day out. But not with melancholy, but with the belief that we would meet again one day. In those brief moments of doubt, I looked at her ring, which I had not taken off since then. I don't know how, but this confidence she had taught me.
My friends had tried often enough to present me to the world of women. But I successfully nipped all their attempts in the bud. Because in my heart and soul, there was only her. She was always with me and gave me confidence in me and my tasks.
"You light up my life.... " with the soft sounds I was torn from my dreams by Westlife at 6 am. I lounged comfortably under my blanket, before I jumped up with quick steps towards the coffee machine. Like every morning I started my caffeine injection before I disappeared with my cup into the bathroom.
The look in the mirror told me that I must have travelled far in the night. Sometimes I could remember my dreams the next morning. But today I woke up with only a very intense feeling.
How good, I thought there was makeup. I couldn't possibly show up at my new client's place with these bags under my eyes. The first day in a project decides whether the employees would build up trust in me or whether my work would lead nowhere.
Perfectly styled with a well-fitting black pantsuit, a matching black blouse and chic black shoes I set off for my car. A thousand thoughts rushed through my mind, and I checked once more whether I had packed all the documents. To be honest, I wouldn't need them at all, as I always let the staff explain everything to me first.
After a short drive through the city I parked my car directly in front of the modern office in the new harbour. Sometimes I was lucky and my assignments took place in my city. I enjoyed these assignments because then I could always sleep in my own bed and did not have to spend hours on the motorway.