“Because I was afraid.”
It wasn’t a good enough answer. It wasn’t a good answer at all. There was no reason to take another person's life without their permission, even if he was afraid of something.
She nodded toward the soul crystal. “Touch it with your finger then, Ethan. Your afterlife starts now.”
“Will it be a good one?”
“I don’t think so.”
He nodded, strode over to the crystal, and tried to pick it up. With the slightest touch, the soulstone sucked him back inside the new existence he’d have to suffer. He’d stay within that crystal for the rest of eternity if he was unlucky. The lucky ones eventually turned to powder and returned to the world as energy. Only a semblance of their memories left over.
Even though the rage in her chest crowed victoriously. She had taken out yet another person who meant Ronin harm. And yet, there was a quiet part of her soul now which insisted she hadn’t done the right thing. That she was being unnecessarily cruel to someone who was in pain and hurting.
When had she gotten so soft? She remembered ruling this world with an iron fist, destroying swarms of armies with a single touch, and laughing as they cried out for help.
All that anger and disgust at the world had simmered down into a thick syrup of disappointment. All she felt when she gathered souls was the quiet ache of a parent who had thought their child would have done better. Of someone who knew there was more to this world than what it had been left with and one who could not combine that knowledge with what they were seeing.
A cold air chilled her spine as another soul walked up behind her.
“You didn’t even look at his history.” The feminine voice was one she remembered for many years. Her first mistake. Her first regret. But most of all, the first soul she’d taken responsibility over in her entire life.
Selene sighed, gathered up the stone, and held it out to her dearest friend in the world. “What would you have me do, Mutt? I can’t give him an afterlife of happiness after what he did.”
“I saw what he did,” Mutt said.
The ephemeral outline of her soul solidified into a small woman with a strong stature. Her dark chocolate hair was cropped close to her skull with small tufts falling over her forehead. In life, her skin had been burnished gold and her eyes flickering dark pools of energy. No one had dared to even speak to Mutt, until Selene had walked into their facility with a chip on her shoulder and an eye for the biggest person to fry.
Mutt had been that person. And after a few threatening poses, they’d both realized another alpha female when they saw one. Selene remembered the entire scene with fondness, but also knew how strange she’d thought the entire meeting. She’d never thought of herself as an alpha before, but that was the only language Mutt had understood.
Now, Mutt had read every volume of Shakespeare, knew Edgar Allan Poe by heart, and could wax on about the environmental impact of plastic. That was all Selene’s doing, but it was Mutt’s passion for intelligence that helped.
The stocky woman crossed her arms over her chest and cocked a hip. “Are you listening to me, Selene?”
“I always listen to you, Mutt.”
“Well, isn’t that the biggest lie of the century,” Mutt replied with a snort. “You don’t get to say that when you share the same history as me. Look into his past. See the reasoning behind all that fear, and then we’ll determine what to do with him.”
“We?”
“Yes we. All the decisions you make are with me, and you know it. There’s a reason for all this to be happening.”
Ah, and there it was. Of all the strange things about Mutt, her belief in fate was probably the strangest. How many times had Selene reminded her that fate wasn’t real, but gods were? And Selene was one of the many gods making decisions that affected Mutt’s life?
She didn’t want to argue this time. She just wanted to curl up on her small cot and go to sleep, so she could forget this day happened at all.
“Fine,” she growled. “Let’s get this over with then.”
Stomping back over to the podium, she slammed the soulstone back into the holder a little too roughly. It was nearly impossible to shatter one. However, she’d done it a few times with other souls and this one likely didn’t deserve the weight of her anger. It hadn’t come from Ethan, but from the friend who’d called her out on being an impossibly stuck up bitch when it came to souls.
Selene backed off the podium and lifted her hands. “Let’s see what you endured in your hard little life, Ethan. The reason why you were in the bank in the first place. Bring it to the forefront.”
No one other than a death god could hear his screaming, but she could hear it loud and clear. Souls rarely wanted to experience the problems that had made them bad in the first place. It was a dangerous road to walk, especially when their minds were usually already fragile.
A projection shimmered into view on the podium. Each three-dimensional image was a representation of a memory as the human remembered it. Watching from his perspective, she saw a man level a gun at Ethan and say ominously, “Let’s see how loud I can make you scream, boy.”
“Stop,” Selene said.
The image paused on the exact moment. She heard Ethan groaning from within the soulstone, forced to stare at this man without him moving, locked in the worst memory he had.
But Selene wanted to see every detail. She noted the grime-covered floor, the dishes in the sink behind the taller man, and the angle at which she was staring at him. Ethan had only been a child, and this man with the dirty white shirt must be his father. Or an uncle, perhaps?
Ethan whined in her mind, “Papa, please” and that answered her question.
So, he’d been abused. A lot of people had been, and they didn’t walk into a bank with the intention to shoot as many people as possible. It wasn’t an excuse.
“Just keep watching,” Mutt said. “Give the boy a chance. You can’t lock in a choice like this when there’s a soul on the line.”
In those words lay the reason why she’d changed so much in the first place. Mutt had always been the one with the conscience.
She didn’t want to watch this man’s memories. Least of all darker ones like this which called to a part of her that still had a reason to shed pity on the weaker humans. They didn’t know how to deal with things like this, or had no way to reach out and ask for help. There were some people who were, unfortunately, born into this world with less cards in their hand than everyone else. Some only had one card to play, and it was always a bad one.
Grumbling, she walked over to the corner of the room where a leather chair waited. It was torn and shredded like a cat had gotten to it. At some point, there might have been a feline in this abandoned building. But it still had four legs that could hold up her slight figure, and that’s all she needed.
Selene perched on the edge and waved a hand. “Continue, Ethan. And let it be known that you need to thank Mutt for this chance.”
The soul moaned in response, then the memory continued on.
Mutt settled down on the floor next to her knee. She didn’t look up at Selene, just leaned her cold form against Selene’s leg and said, “Thank you for doing this.”
“I’m not doing it for you.” But she lied. Selene had very few friends in this world, and Mutt was one of the dearest. Of course she did it for Mutt. She’d do anything for Mutt.
Together, they watched Ethan’s life unfold. She wasn’t sure how long it was, probably months of viewing as it usually took quite a while to weigh a soul. There were a lot of factors to consider, even more to think about when judging whether it is a good or bad action from the mind of the doer.
She felt her own power draining as they watched. She hadn’t gathered nearly enough souls in the past month to be strong enough to do this, but Selene was tired of gathering souls. They were difficult to manage, they all wanted something, and it still felt wrong to hold them in a mini-prison, while she figured out what to do with the
m. Some wanted to stay in the afterlife forever. Others wanted an end. Some deserved an end; others didn’t.
There was so much to factor into being a goddess of death that her head constantly spun in circles.
Mutt leaned against her leg once and asked, “Are you watching?”
“I’ve been watching the whole time, Mutt.”
“I just want to make sure you’re giving him a fair chance.”
“Why do you care so much about this one?” Selene craned her neck to look down at Mutt’s glowing face. “He’s not different from countless other souls we’ve collected over the years, and you’ve never argued with me about their punishments before.”
Mutt shrugged. “This one reminds me of Icarus, that’s all.”
Another name from a long forgotten past that made her heart sting in her chest. Icarus. She’d almost forgotten him. With wings like the famed man of old, he’d shed his previous name and became something so lovely, so impossible, that they all hadn’t realized what he’d done until it was too late.
She didn’t want to remember this. She didn’t want to think about all those years ago when they had been bright and flaming with power.
Selene turned her face away from Mutt and watched the projection of the soul’s memory through new eyes.
He’d been abused as a child, but that fear had followed him throughout life. After his father killed himself, Ethan had lived on the streets. He’d been exposed to the worst parts of life, until fear swallowed him whole.
Months into watching his history, Selene finally stopped the projection with a harsh bark. “Enough.”
Mutt looked up at her, but knew better than to interrupt in this moment.
Selene stood and waved a hand so the soul was ripped from its stone and deposited in front of her. Ethan curled into a ball at her feet, arms around his legs while he rocked back and forth.
Carefully, she knelt in front of him. “I know that wasn’t easy for you to relive. But I need you to focus on me right now.”
He looked up at her then, eyes wet with the horrors of his past that he’d buried long ago without realizing the history had still followed him. “Yes, goddess of death. I hear you.”
“I want to ask you a question one more time. Why did you go into the bank that day?”
“Because I’m broken. Because I was afraid to seek eternal sleep, but I didn’t know how to even find it alone.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have done it. Those people… all those innocent people…”
Selene heard the screams inside his head along with him, the way he wanted to hurt himself over and over again for doing it, because he had known it was wrong.
“Ethan—”
He interrupted her with a ragged whisper. “There’s a monster inside me, goddess, and I lost the key to its cage a long time ago.”
Now, that was interesting. Selene hadn’t heard that particular line before, and she’d heard a lot of lines. Leaning closer, she asked, “Does it have a name?”
“Yes.”
“What is it?”
His shoulders shook and his lips quaked, but he managed a single word between clenched teeth. “Father.”
Selene pressed a hand to her mouth and stood. It was a lot more than she thought she’d get from a man who had almost no understanding of why shooting people inside a bank was bad. But there it was. A self-recognition she couldn’t have guessed he had.
Leaving him there, she turned and made her way toward Mutt who watched from her seat on the ground.
“What do you think?” Selene asked her.
“I think he’s telling the truth.”
“Well, that much is certain, but I can hardly give him a boon in the afterlife. He still did many bad things, had many bad things done to him. I think even if I gave him a happy afterlife it would still be filled with blood and screams.”
Mutt looked her in the eye. “Then he’s a good candidate for a second chance.”
How long had it been since she’d done that? Selene couldn’t even remember the last time they’d gone that route. Souls weren’t owed a second chance, and they rarely got it unless they were good people who’d been given a tough card.
“Why?” she asked, curious as to Mutt’s thinking. “Why do you think he deserves that above all others?”
“Because I think this one was bad because of his family. It’s not in his true nature, but he’s never found his true nature before.”
It was an unusual bit of pity and understanding from Mutt, but Selene had come to expect that of her friend. The woman always knew when to be soft and when to be hard, after all.
Sniffing, Selene turned around and looked at the man who had curled up in a ball on his side. The soul was nearly shattered. Cracks were already forming on his face and hands where he would very soon break into a million pieces and never be savable.
She only had a few moments to make her decision. But she’d already decided, hadn’t she?
Selene sighed, walked back to the soul, and crouched in front of him. “I’m going to give you a second chance, Ethan. It’s not what you wanted or even something you asked for, but I think you’ll appreciate it in time. If you even remember this moment.”
Foggy and delirious, he looked up at her and asked, “What are you talking about, goddess?”
“You’ll see.”
Or he wouldn’t. She didn’t really care if he remembered her. Selene didn’t do this for the recognition, after all. It had been a very long time since she’d wanted anyone to remember her face at all.
With a wave of her hand, the soul returned to its stone. Now dim, it pulsed in her palm as a warning that the soul was very weak. She only had a few like this, and most were ancient.
“I’ll go now,” she said to Mutt. “It’ll take a little bit of work, but if I gather a few souls while I’m there, I might be able to get it done.”
“You can always take a little bit from me.”
Even the thought made Selene shiver. “I’m not a vampire. I gave you that energy so you could continue on, not so I could use you as a battery.”
“You gave me enough energy to survive for centuries,” Mutt corrected. “Even longer than you.”
She probably had, but Selene refused to feel guilty for that. Her friend didn’t deserve the death which had taken her light from this world. Now, she would enjoy a few moments of peace.
Nodding, Selene left the abandoned chicken factory and started the long walk to the hospital. The soul vibrating in her pocket.
4
Since that period I have never seen nor heard your name
without a shiver half of delight half of anxiety.
~ Edgar Allan Poe
One year passed while she found a suitable life for Ethan. Now, she stood within an ancient monolith. This hospital used to overflow with life. Nurses and doctors running to and fro, lights blinking in every direction, shouts of encouragement and murmurs of sadness. All these things used to make Selene feel as though she was finally in the right place. Her powers would magically grow stronger and the goddess inside her would awaken knowing that it was about to be fed.
But, the end of the world had hit everyone hard. This building was now partially split down the middle. Some of the rooms were exposed to the air. Many of their employees had fallen in the wars, and now there wasn’t much left to pick up the pieces of the world.
Silence filled the air like the still before a storm. There were doctors who wanted to help people, although their numbers were considerably fewer than they used to be. They strode past her with haunted eyes and a hard set in their jaw, because they knew the work would never abate. There were too many people who needed help and not enough people to help them.
She slipped past a nurse and started up a back stairwell that was missing chunks of the stairs. At one junction, Selene had to press her back against the wall and wiggle her way to the next safe section. The staff probably didn’t use this stairwell anymore simply because of the damage. It gave her a perfec
t opportunity to make her way up to the maternity ward.
The air was quieter in this room. Not because there were babies sleeping, although she was certain of that too, but because the work had gotten considerably harder after the end. Women were dying left and right in childbirth, probably the leading cause of death, and Selene would never understand why they wasted their time getting pregnant when they knew they were likely going to die.
Let the human race end. And let Selene survive with all her guilt.
She pulled up her hoodie so no one could see her face and nudged past a nurse. “Excuse me.”
“You’re excused, love,” the nurse replied. Her voice rang with exhaustion, a cigarette dangling from her shaking fingers.
Selene paused, telling herself to continue, that there wasn’t that much time. But there was something in the woman’s posture that called out to her. Bunching the long sleeves of her hoodie in her hands, she turned around.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
The other woman smiled, although it was a shaky one. “Just tired is all.”
“Long day?”
“The longest.” A burst of laughter shook her frame, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes and her fingers were still trembling as she lifted the cigarette to her lips and inhaled. “I don’t know why I still do this some days. I didn’t become a nurse so I could assist people in dying, and that’s all we’re doing here.” She shook herself and guiltily ducked her head. “Sorry if you’ve got someone in the maternity ward. I shouldn’t say things like that.”
“I don’t,” Selene corrected her. “And you aren’t assisting people into death. Your work means that at least some of them still live. Even if you have to make it comfortable for others to move on, that is still an honorable thing.”
The nurse licked her lips. “I think I needed to hear that today. Thank you.”
Selene nodded and continued on her way. Why had she said anything like that to the nurse? She didn’t believe the words. How could she? These people were fighting a losing battle and she of all people knew that. They would continue to try and patch humans together with stitches and fake skin. All the supplies would disappear soon, and then where would they be?
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