by Ciana Stone
What she had yet to come to terms with was the way they had parted and her feelings about it.
July 2004
Ten days had passed since she sold the photos of the bombing. She’d seen them appear in numerous newspapers as they moved from the local paper into syndication with others around the country. It was exciting, but also a little disappointing. Secretly, she’d hoped the photos would land her a job offer.
She poured a second cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table to go over her schedule for the week. It wasn’t exactly packed. She had enough tucked away to make it a couple of months, but if things didn’t pick back up she was going to be in trouble.
She had not told Max. She knew he’d tell her to stop paying him to save money. Olivia couldn’t do that. He earned his paycheck, and besides, if he did not work for her there would be no excuse he could give to his parents to explain why he was with her so much.
It gnawed at her that she felt so guilty about their relationship. He was eighteen now and there was no legal reason they could not be together. Still, the thought of what his parents and others in town would think and say if they knew caused her embarrassment.
And that was the hardest thing for her to deal with. How could she be ashamed of loving Max?
Her phone rang, and she lifted it without looking to see who the caller was. A few seconds later, her heart was hammering in excitement. By the time the conversation was done she was completely wired, and it wasn’t from caffeine.
She’d been offered a job. With the New York Times. She was thrilled, excited, stunned, and terrified. She picked up the phone to call Max and then it hit her. This was the answer to more than her career and financial woes. This could be the solution to everything.
She had two weeks to accept the job. If she took it and moved to New York, Max could go with her. He could enroll in a university there. With the salary she’d been offered if they were frugal, she could put him through college.
It could work. Her excitement level doubled and then tripled. She and Max could be together. It was a dream come true. She called and left a message on Max’s voice mail to meet her at her house instead of the studio, then headed for the shower, dancing and singing.
She’d just dressed and was headed to the kitchen to fix some breakfast when she heard the front doorbell. Thinking Max must have forgotten his key, she ran to the door and threw it open.
“I didn’t think you’d ever get— “Shock had her stopping short. It wasn’t Max standing at the door. It was his mother. Olivia had not spent any time around her other than to say hello when she stopped by the studio to see Max.
“Mrs. Clearman. Hello. What can I do for you?”
“May I come in?”
“Oh, yes, of course.” Olivia stepped aside for her to enter. “I was just going to make some breakfast. Would you like something?”
“No, thank you.”
“Oh, okay, well, come on back to the kitchen.” Olivia preceded her, chattering nervously. “I can’t tell you how much progress Max has made with his photography this year. He has a remarkable eye and his composition skills are— “
“I’m not here to talk about his photography skills, Ms. Warren.”
Olivia stopped and turned to face her. “Then why are you here?”
“I want you to leave my son alone.”
Olivia’s heart sank. “Mrs. Clearman, I— “
“No.” Mrs. Clearman held up her hand. “Forgive me for being blunt, Ms. Warren but I’m not here to listen to what you have to say or hear how you feel. I’m here because you are not good for my son.
“Max is a bright, intelligent young man. What he needs is to go to college and discover his potential – decide what he’s interested in and get the education and training he needs to go out into the world and be able to support himself and enjoy a career of his choosing.”
“I want that for him, too.”
“I’m sure you do. But right now Max can’t think of anything but you. He’s already making noises about putting off college for a while – maybe working with you in the photography studio. That would be a big mistake.”
“I agree.” She said and gestured to the table. “Please, sit.” She poured two cups of coffee and placed them on the table, then fetched cream and sugar.
“Mrs. Clearman, I don’t want Max to give up anything. I want him to go to college and figure out what he wants to do with his life. But I don’t see how him having a relationship with me is going to stand in the way of that.”
His mother looked at her for a long time before responding. “I met Max’s father during spring break of my senior year of high school. He was in his second year of college. From the moment we met, we couldn’t think of anything else. We were in love and nothing else mattered. I wanted him so much I could barely function.
“The weekend I graduated, I was supposed to go to the beach with some girlfriends. Instead, we ran away and got married. It was legal. I’d just turned eighteen a month prior to graduation.
“Neither of our parents approved. My father was so against it that he cut me off. So did his father. He said if Mike was man enough to have a wife, then he could be man enough to support me. We found ourselves in a real mess.
“Mike was able to take out student loans to cover tuition and books, but we didn’t have money to live so I found a job as a waitress. I never imagined how hard that would be. I picked up every extra shift I could and there were times when I felt like all I ever did was work. We scraped by but it wasn’t easy.
“You obviously loved him very much and considered it worth it.” Oliva understood that. She’d eat cups of noodles every day if that’s what it took to support Max until he graduated.
“Yes, I did. At least for a few years. I supported us through undergraduate and law school. When Mike got a job as an associate with a law firm, I finally stopped. That’s what we had planned. I’d quit and we’d start our family.
“I thought that was going to make life good again. I had Max and we were able to get a bigger apartment. But Mike was never there and when he was, he was working. So, it was just Max and me.
“I tried to be understanding. I knew Mike was doing it for us and for Max. But somewhere along the way, I started thinking about all the things I’d missed out on and all that I’d never get to experience.
“Mike was doing great, getting noticed. He had a real shot at one day making partner. He made junior associate and was kind of selected by one of the senior partners to groom for partner. He started getting included in on more of the social events, more cases, and more meetings.
“I felt left out. He had this exciting career unfolding and I was stuck at home changing diapers. I couldn’t stop thinking about all I’d missed out on. I never got to experience what it was like to be a college student, or a young woman exploring her options and choosing her passion. And in time, I came to resent it.
“I know it wasn’t Mike’s fault. I chose to marry him. But I was young and in love and incapable of understanding the consequences of that choice.”
Olivia considered her words and the message behind them. It took her a minute to summon the courage to be straightforward. “I understand what you’re saying, Mrs. Clearman, but this isn’t the same. I’ve been offered a very good paying job. I can support Max. I can even pay for his education. He won’t have to wait tables or work his way through school.”
“No, but he also won’t be able to experience college life the way you did. He’ll go to class and come home to you. He won’t make friends, he won’t broaden his circle of acquaintances aside from whoever you bring to the table, and he won’t take advantage of opportunities that might arise because of his commitment to you.”
“I would never stop Max from doing anything he wanted to— “
“I’m sure you wouldn’t. But it would happen, Ms. Warren. And in time he’d resent it and this grand passion you now share would fade, leaving you with a relationship fostered by obligation that w
ould eat away at the love until it eroded it completely.
“Believe me, I know. His father, Mike and I tried. But once something is too damaged, it can’t be repaired. Once Max leaves for college, Mike and I will separate. It’s something we agreed on a long time ago. I don’t want that for my son and if you really care about him, you won’t either.
“Let him go. Let him explore and learn and decide what he wants. If, in the end, it’s you then so be it. But don’t rob him of something that he can never replace. He’s only going to get this chance once. If you love him, please let him go.”
Olivia didn’t know what to say. She wanted to argue. She would never stand in Max’s way. She’d support him financially and emotionally. He would have all the freedom he needed to discover his path.
Yet even as her heart threw up the arguments, she knew Max’s mother made sense. She’d known that all along. She’d told herself all of it a hundred times and she knew the right thing to do was end it. It just wasn’t what her heart wanted. “I’ll think about it.” It was all she could guarantee.
“Please do,” Mrs. Clearman said and stood.
Olivia walked her to the door in silence, closed it behind her as she left then leaned back against it and stared across the room. If she asked Max to come to New York with her, would she be destroying his chances to find his own path? Could they have what they thought they wanted and make it work, or were their desires a sure path to failure?
Did she do what her brain told her was right or follow the dictates of her greedy hearty? In short, did she choose based on what was best for Max or what she wanted? That was a question she needed to find an answer to very quickly.
On impulse, she picked up the phone and dialed. “Mrs. Sweet? Do you have a little time? I really need some advice. Oh, thank you. Yes, I’ll come right over.”
Chapter Seven
The Present
Max pushed back from the computer, stood and stretched. The last couple of days he’d made a lot of progress on the script, but today had been a struggle from the first word. His mind was further into the story. He woke thinking about the day Livi had left and he couldn’t get it out of his mind.
Maybe he should do like he did when he was writing the book. When he’d get caught up, held prisoner by a memory he’d write it. It didn’t matter if it was in chronological order. He had never planned on submitting it anywhere. He just wrote because he couldn’t trust himself to tell anyone about it.
Maybe that was what he should do. He opened a new file on his computer and flexed his fingers. He paid little attention to what his fingers typed. He was caught up in what was playing out in his mind.
August 2004
Max felt like a man preparing to be led to the gallows. He couldn’t stop time; nor could he slow it down. He could only feel it marching at him with relentless determination, each step robbing him of precious seconds.
Livi was leaving today. Was there no way for him to convince her to delay for just one more day?
He knew the answer to that. She’d already delayed her departure for a week. He was due to leave for UCLA tomorrow morning. It was almost time. They’d stayed up all night, made love with a desperation that bordered on madness and clung to each other with a fierceness that frightened him with its intensity.
Now she was gathering up her purse and keys, ready to walk out of the door and get in her car.
“Livi, don’t go.”
She turned to him. “I have to, Max.”
“No you don’t. You can stay. You can go to California. I can come with you. There are a dozen other options.”
“No, there isn’t.” She walked to him, placing her hand along the side of his face. “You know that.”
“I hate this! “
“I know.”
He pulled her to him. “Promise me this isn’t the end, Livi.”
“It’s not the end, Max,” she whispered and held onto him for a long time, her body shaking as she cried.
“I have to go,” she said and pulled back.
He followed her outside. She tossed her purse into the car and turned to him. He hugged her to him tightly. “Please stay.”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
“Can’t” she replied and pulled back to look up at him. “I love you Max.”
“I’ll never love anyone but you, Livi.”
She blinked at the tears spilling from her eyes and kissed him. When she pulled away, tears were streaming down her face. She got in the car, started the engine, and looked out of the window at him.
“Goodbye, Max.”
Why did that sound so final? It was all he could do not to jump in front of the car and stop it. He fought the tears that threatened and watched her drive away. It would be okay. He would see her soon. No more than a month. They’d agreed. They’d make it work. Their love was strong enough to overcome the distance.
The Present
Max barked a harsh laugh. He’d been so foolish, so trusting, believing in a love that had obviously been one-sided. What a dumb jerk he’d been. He’d believed her, fallen for her false promises hook, line and sinker.
He’d spent most of his adult life fighting the pain of that time. He’d never loved anyone like that before or since. It had brought him success, but also emptiness and he wanted to be free of it, to feel happy. He knew that he couldn’t as long as he carried it with him.
Which brought him to the question that he’d yet to answer. Would he ever be strong enough to forget?
****
Olivia got in the car and pulled out of the hotel parking lot. Her palms were damp and her stomach was in a knot. On the seat beside her was a large manila envelope. Her eyes moved to it momentarily.
She was terrified at what she was about to do, but she knew she had to. Over the last few weeks, she’d done a lot of self-examination and soul searching. She could now see the mess she’d made of her life. There might not be a way to mend the hurt between her and Max, but she had to mend the fabric of her life so that she could move on. And the time for mending was now.
So, she’d booked a ticket and come to Texas to see Max. Now, as she turned into the long drive that led to his house, her stomach threatened to rebel and she wished she’d foregone breakfast.
Suck it up. She told herself. You survived 9/11 and a bomb in Afghanistan. You can survive this.
She stopped in front of the house, picked up the envelope from the seat beside her and got out of the car. It was still early, just half past eight in the morning. Maybe he wasn’t awake yet. Maybe she should have called first. Maybe he wasn’t even home.
And as all the ‘maybe’s’ ran through her mind, the front door opened. Max stood in the opening, his hair mussed, eyes wearing a look of someone just awakened, wearing only a pair of thin cotton drawstring pants that rode low on his hips.
Olivia tried not to look, tried not to notice that he’d filled out into a very well built man. She walked to the door. “We need to talk.”
Max’s head did a movement that could only be described as a combination of a nod and a roll, a move that said “whatever” in a resigned and somewhat annoyed fashion. Olivia entered the house and stopped, waiting for him to close the door.
“I need coffee,” he announced and walked past her.
She followed him to the kitchen, placed the envelope on the enormous island that formed a seating area in the kitchen and took a seat on one of the bar stools. Max prepared coffee in silence, not looking in her direction until he was finished. Then he turned, walked to the opposite side of the island, placed his hands on it, and stared at her for a long moment.
“I’m listening.”
“I didn’t want to leave.”
He snorted a disdainful sound. “Ever hear the expression, action talks, bullshit walks?”
She tried not to feel the sting of his words. “I didn’t want to leave, Max. That’s the truth.”
“Then why did you?”
&n
bsp; “I didn’t have a choice.”
He pushed away from the island. “That’s such horseshit. We always have a choice. You chose to leave. Just like you chose not to answer when I wrote or emailed. You chose, Livi. Chose your career. It meant more than me. Why can’t you just tell the truth?”
“That’s why I’m here, Max. And I am telling the truth. Leaving you was the last thing I wanted.”
“Then why did you?”
Olivia took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment, and let that day rush back into her mind, let the feelings overtake her. Then she started to talk.
August 2004
Olivia woke with a sense of dread. Saturdays were normally days she looked forward to. That was the day she and Max usually spent the entire day together, and more times than not, the night.
She usually woke, eager to jump out of bed and wait for him to arrive. Today was different. Today she had to tell him she was leaving.
Max had been arguing with his parents for weeks about going to UCLA. He didn’t want to go, and they were insisting he go. He’d told Olivia he didn’t want to go, and until now she had not spoken either for or against it. She didn’t want to be a factor in his decision even though she knew she was the primary factor.
In fact, each day made her more sure that it would be a mistake for him not to go. Max was smart and talented and there was no telling what he could accomplish. But he wasn’t going to do that walking in her shadow and if he went with her to New York, that’s exactly what he would be doing.
She loved him and she wanted to be with him, but there was no way she was going to deny him the experiences of college and finding his own path. Max had to stand on his own. If she took that chance from him, she believed he would one day resent it and they would end up like his parents – living a life of tolerance but no passion, joy or love.