“Scram, kid.”
“There’s no shame in admitting you need help, Jackson.”
Talking about my problems, what good would that do? I had a ton of problems and no living person needed that burden. Carlie and Drew had seen the fight but they didn’t know what caused it. No one had asked and I sure as hell wasn’t volunteering the information. Fred had come into the bar, talking shit at me again. Hadn’t the sense to get the message the first time.
I’d tried to swat him off, like an annoying insect, but that hadn’t worked. He kept pushing it.
“You’ll never get another thing off me,” I’d told him. “I owe you nothing. But you owe me a whole fucking life.”
He’d recoiled when I’d said that.
“You can blame me all you like but you’re an adult. You made your own decisions. You can turn me into the bad guy but that won’t change the truth. Just like I made my decisions. I got really fucked up, but I pulled myself out of that. It’s not like I put the knife in your hand.”
I snorted. I didn’t need to listen to his story. He’d got his life together, good for him.
“We were on top, we had it all and you could only think about where your next hit was coming from. I should’ve left way before things got to that stage. You lied, you cheated, you stole from us because of your shitty addiction. So, don’t come around here asking favors from me. You used all your points up years ago.”
He twisted away from me.
“Maybe we shouldn’t get into it. It’s ancient history now.”
The guilt flashed in his eyes. I probably had a truckload of guilt in my own too, I’d fucked things up for the guys, I knew that. But I’d never screwed them over.
“You opened it up. Don’t like where it’s going now, though?”
Without thinking, I’d gone to scratch my arm. That damn splint. He saw it.
“You had the operation? Finally, you got it fixed. You should’ve done that in the first place.”
That’s when I grabbed him. I knocked him off his stool. He spun but righted himself and stood to face me. Fred was quick on his feet. I’d learned that the hard way. Even strung out beyond reason, he’d come at me. I’d found his stash once, hidden in his guitar case. He’d been about a gram of shit this side of overdose, not able to sing, barely able to stand up for days on end. He’d get on stage and need his mic stand to stay upright, groaning his way through our songs. He was covered in scabs and bruises. He had nothing in him to give.
When I found that stash, I figured the best thing to do was flush it. He’d get more, he could always get more but maybe it’d take a few days. Enough for him to get some sense into him.
I had the bag in my hand, standing over the sink when he found me. He gave a blood-curdling scream and flung himself at me. I was prepared for that. I fought him off. He was as thin as a reed and had no strength. Probably hadn’t eaten a proper meal in months. What I wasn’t prepared for was the venom in him.
He fought like a bitch and he knew my every weakness. We’d been friends since we were teenagers. We’d saved each other’s lives in so many ways and the bond between us went deep but we’d had enough fights in our time. That night though, he hadn’t been mucking around. You could see it on his face. If he could’ve killed me that night, he would’ve. Nothing came between him and the smack.
Now, I knew how he’d felt. When Fred stood in front of me in the bar, that mockery in his eyes, nothing else mattered. I’d been waiting five years to punch him out. Even though I’d buried it, my hatred ran deep. At that moment, it’d been deeper than anything else in this world. If I could’ve obliterated him then, I would’ve.
I only became aware of what I was doing when I heard Gina scream. I was in the bar, I had Fred up against the wall and everything hurt.
What could I say to her? The disappointment in her eyes cut me deeper than any knife. I’d wanted to be whole for her. Instead, I’d ruined everything. There was nothing I could do to make up for it.
When she’d walked away from me, I let her go. It was the only thing I could do for her.
Chapter 31 Gina
I NEVER EXPECTED JACKSON to come after me. I knew him better than that. He had a whole world of pride. I wasn’t even sure I wanted him to. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was too damaged to love anyone. I didn’t know how to fight that. I’d have done anything to help him but, if he didn’t want help, what could I do
I cried myself to sleep that night. Full of pity for myself and for him. I wanted him to see how much better life could be but he closed that door on me.
He’d told me that I was better off without him. I never believed that. But I was better off without the destruction he wanted to cause. I’d honestly thought he could do this but I had no idea what went on in his head.
The next morning, I had to go to work. I’d had so much time off already. The day started bad and ended up worse. Margie dumped a whole bunch of files on my desk.
“These need to be retyped,” she said with a smile.
They weren’t even my files. They were hers. She’d screwed them up and wanted me to fix her mistakes. She lingered, almost like she was goading me to retaliate. I had no fight in me, though. It’d be easier to just retype the things. If I fought her, it’d just end up all the worse for me.
She got bored and walked off when I picked up the first file and began work on it.
By mid-morning, I’d gotten halfway through the pile when I got called to the boss’s office. Again.
“You haven’t even started on your work today? What’s wrong with you lately?” he asked.
I fumbled with my hands. “I had some files...”
“Files?”
“They needed to be retyped.” My voice sounded weak and uncertain.
“If you need to redo work, that shouldn’t take priority. That’s how you get behind.”
I looked at him. He knew absolutely nothing about what was going on in this office. He had no understanding of how to even run an office. I wanted to say something but nothing mattered. I was tired. He sat back in his chair, looking at me with judgment in his eyes. I froze inside. There was nothing I could do to make this better.
“Do you have any reason for this?”
I could tell him, about Margie and all the petty tricks, but I’d tried before and it hadn’t worked. I just shook my head. What was the point of fighting for myself? I’d only ever lose. I’d end up worse off than ever.
“You obviously aren’t that interested in this job. That’s disappointing. I had such high hopes for you.”
I looked up then. High hopes? That was the first I’d heard of it. I’d never seen any end to the day-to-day drudgery. I needed this job. I didn’t have much money saved. I had rent due and I had bills to pay. If I didn’t have that to worry about, I’d walk out of here and never come back.
My mother’s words replayed in my head. That I’d never make it on my own and I should just move back home. That town was a trap, though.
“I’ll try to do better,” I mumbled like I always did.
No matter what, I tried to do better but it seemed like often in this life I didn’t even know what I was trying for. Some goal that had never been defined for me and that I’d never agreed to. I tried to do better at work but no one was ever satisfied. I tried to help Jackson and it ended up so badly.
“That isn’t going to cut it this time. We’ve taken disciplinary action in the past and it hasn’t worked. I’m afraid that unless you give some clear explanation of your actions, we’ll have to terminate your employment.”
I could’ve fought when he said that. I could’ve told him exactly what had happened but, like Drew had said on our date, I lacked killer instinct. I had no fight in me. Margie would deny giving me those files. She could out-talk me and out-think me. She didn’t die inside like I did.
I just nodded. I’d get a small payout of wages owed and unused vacation days. I’d live for a few weeks at least.
After we visited HR an
d got it all sorted, I cleaned out my desk. There wasn’t much to clear. I never had personal things at work. I’d wanted to be invisible, with no trace of my personality on view to others. Just some packet soups and a couple of receipts I’d thrown in there. I threw the soups in the trash can.
Dianna walked past and grinned.
“Oh, are you leaving us?” she said.
I nodded and didn’t look up. Part of me wanted to cry. I hated the job but I’d failed. It seemed like that was the story of my life. I’d never fight for anything and I’d always fail.
Then Margie had the nerve to rush up and try to hug me. “We’re going to miss you. You were always so much fun to work with.”
I wanted to smash her face in but I tried to smile. Her arms around me felt like a prison and the musky smell of her perfume choked me. I pushed her away. I couldn’t talk, the lump in my throat was too big. I headed to the elevator. The two of them were giggling as I left. The joke would be on them when they had to do their own work. But I’d not be there to enjoy it.
As I left, I instinctively headed for Trouble, then remembered. I didn’t want to see Jackson, not when I was all messed up like this, especially. I got on the bus and headed home. Everything in my life was ruined.
Chapter 32 Gina
I’D STARTED PACKING up my apartment but my heart wasn’t in it. I hated giving up in defeat but I saw no other way out. With only enough money to survive a few weeks, it was better to leave now than to wait until I got kicked out onto the street.
If I moved back home, I could get a job and save money. In theory. In my heart, I worried that I’d get back to that town and that house and I’d be trapped there for life. I’d never get away, never have a life of my own again.
I’d called my mother and told her I was thinking of moving back.
“I thought as much,” she said. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to last on your own. Well, if you’re moving back here, don’t expect to take it easy. You’ll need to get a job and help out around the house. There’ll be no free rides.”
I didn’t expect to get handouts. All I wanted was some place to live. I fully expected to pull my weight.
I picked up that teddy bear and punched it. Drew had said I lacked killer instinct and even my punches were weak. I guess the bear had done nothing wrong except look too much like Jackson.
Three garbage bags of rubbish sat by the door and I hadn’t even come close to finishing. I sat down to take a break. What I really wanted was for some miracle to save the day. Someone to ring me and offer me a job or maybe to get a huge lottery win.
Or maybe for Jackson to come through the door, sweeping me up in his arms and begging me to stay.
The lottery win was a more realistic dream.
I checked my phone, knowing there’d be no miracle. There wasn’t but there was a message from Drew.
Coming tonight? You promised.
Shit, I’d forgotten. Alex’s band was playing at Trouble and Drew had the night off, so I’d said we’d hang out together.
I sent him a message back, telling him I didn’t think Trouble was a good place for me to be at the moment.
But you promised, Gina.
I had promised. Maybe, I could go in early and explain to Drew. I had no interest in hanging around. I needed to be alone. I’d turn up, see Drew, then get back to packing. I wanted to leave in a few days’ time and I had so much to do.
If I saw Jackson, I had no idea how I’d react. I’d tried to stuff all the anger deep down. It didn’t help anything.
If I was honest with myself, I did want to see him. I wanted to see him so bad. But I wanted it to be like before. I’d expected too much of him and he’d disappointed me. Maybe that was my fault, I’d been asking too much. Still, I dressed with care. I put on a sexier outfit than I normally wore. I made sure I looked good.
Even if he was there, that was no reason why I should stay away. Just because Jackson lived at the bar, it didn’t mean I should miss out on saying goodbye to my friends.
I stood outside, looking at the “Trouble” sign swinging slightly in the breeze. It was trouble all right. I wasn’t sure if I should go in. It would just prolong the agony.
I took a deep breath. It’d be fine. I’d watch the band and hang out with Drew. It’d be fun. I opened the door and walked straight to the steps to the band room without even looking around.
It almost worked too until Carlie called out to me.
“Gina?”
I turned and smiled.
“You’re a bit early. Sally hasn’t opened the doors upstairs yet. Have a drink with us.”
I sat down at the bar. Was Drew around? I couldn’t see him. No matter what, I was always too early for things. I got too anxious about being late. Hell, not even Alex was here that early, and he was playing. I should’ve timed it better. Now it looked like I’d purposely come in too early. Because of Jackson.
Carlie got my drink, then raced off to serve someone else. I moved over to a corner table. That way I’d not be tempted to glance at Jackson. He looked terrible. Like he’d not slept in a week. That made me happy, in a way. If I was suffering, so should he. I might be mean, but that’s the way I looked at it.
Seeing Jackson made a hundred different emotions battle in my stomach. Fear, anger and excitement being the main ones. I didn’t want to talk to him and go through the same things again. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. What I wanted was to go back to that time when things were good between us. When there wasn’t this drama and this fuss. I wanted to see Jackson, but the old Jackson, the one who’d been my friend and who believed in me, not the one who’d fucked up everything.
Then it hit me that something bad might’ve gone wrong with his hand. He’d be suffering. I wouldn’t ask. I’d never ask. Well, I wouldn’t ask him but I’d ask Drew. Drew would tell me.
I’d almost finished my drink when I saw Sally.
“Need some company setting up?” I asked. I wanted to get out of the bar.
“Sure thing,” she said. “It’s not very interesting, though.”
“Yeah, I’ve done it with Violet.”
It was empty upstairs when we got there. There wasn’t a whole lot to do but Sally got me to keep a watch over things while she checked in with the first band. She came back and we both sat at the door, waiting for customers to arrive.
“Do you think Alex likes me?” she asked.
“I’m not sure.” That was the kind of question that struck dread into me. Do you be honest and hurt someone or lie and make them keep having hope? A blind man could see Alex wasn’t interested in her.
That was the biggest cop-out but I couldn’t say much else.
I was worried she’d ask me about Jackson but she didn’t get off the topic of Alex. Things he’d said to her and what they might possibly mean. He’d come into her office earlier that day to discuss the run-down and had lingered for three minutes longer than usual.
“He leaned over the desk and looked me right in the eyes. I almost fainted,” she said.
A few people came to the door. Sally took their money and I stamped their wrists. It seemed childish but I got a lot of satisfaction out of stamping people. It wasn’t as easy as it looked. You had to get the stamp just right.
That was the sort of thing I never told people in case they thought I was weird. I liked stamping people and I liked bugs and — I liked Jackson, no matter how big a jerk he was.
I wondered if there were any jobs going at the bar. I wasn’t sure I’d be any good at bar work. You’d need to be outgoing and not have problems talking to people. I’d stutter and say the wrong thing and probably drop their drinks to boot. I wanted a job that didn’t involve contact with other people.
Drew turned up and Sally finally stopped talking about Alex.
“Gina, you’re here. I thought you might flake on me.”
Drew hugged me. That’s what I loved about him. He had nothing holding him back. He could openly show his affection for people or
tell them if they were doing something wrong without fear of offending them.
The two of us went to get a drink.
“Jackson is not doing well, Gina. He’s doing really badly, in fact. I don’t even think he’s showering anymore. He just drinks and mopes.”
I nodded.
“Also,” Drew said, “he’s stopped giving me guitar lessons. I still practice, though. I have some new songs written. Alex won’t let me play in the club. Will you listen to them one day?”
“Sure thing, Drew.”
I took Sally’s drink back to her and sat down. The room was going to be packed tonight. Alex’s band was popular, that’s for sure.
“Don’t look now,” said Sally, “but that guy at the bar is checking you out.”
I tried not to turn and look and, to be honest, I didn’t want any guy checking me out. I did look though. I wished I hadn’t. He locked gazes with me and slowly raised his beer glass. I was so not interested in him and turned away. I hoped he’d get the hint and stop looking.
I stayed with Sally and Drew, watching the support band. No need for us to talk, because the music was too loud. I got lost in a whirl in my own head. If Jackson really cared, he’d have come upstairs instead of sitting down at the bar. He hadn’t come upstairs though. Not that I was looking for him or anything.
After the band finished their set, I went to the bar again. That creepy guy still watched me. Before I could get my drink, he handed me one.
“For you,” he said.
I stared at the drink in his hand, not wanting to accept it. Scared that if I didn’t take it, he’d get angry.
I took the drink from him but move away, back to help on the door.
Chapter 33 Jackson
GINA WAS UPSTAIRS. I tried to think about other things but that was the only thought in my head. I wanted to run to her, get down on my knees and beg her forgiveness but I couldn’t. That wouldn’t be fair to her. I was a mess. A total shambles.
She made it plain she didn’t want to see me and I should keep it like that. I’d hurt her. She’d been the only one to believe in me and I’d screwed that up. I could tell her about Fred and how I had five years of anger building up inside me but that was just an excuse. What she wanted, more than anything, was for me to make a 100% effort to recover. Not to dick around.
The Trouble with Rock Stars: Jackson's Story (Access All Areas, #3) Page 13