by Gina Azzi
“Seeing anyone?” I try again, hoping he’s at least managed to secure a few dates in his hectic schedule.
He chuckles, the sound dark and humorless. Chewing a bit of steak, he shakes his head and swallows. “No time for it.”
I quirk an eyebrow.
“I’m serious,” he insists, piercing me with his bright green eyes. “My job, my life, all of it, lately, each day is like trying to survive. I get to the end of the day, collapse into my bed, and I’m just grateful I made it. I don’t have the extra energy to put into a relationship with a woman that’s going to be a dead end.”
“How do you know it will be a dead end?” I whisper, unprepared for the bitterness in his tone.
“How could it not be?” he shoots back. “After Charlie…”
I wince, knowing the relationship between Evan and Charlie took off just as quickly as it burned out. Both my friends seem scarred by their whirlwind romance, but neither of them likes to admit it. “You still care about her?”
His eyes snap to mine, swirling with conflicting emotions. He nods once, curt-like. “Of course I care about her.”
“So...?”
He gestures to the yard where Ollie is whooping and running around. “My life is here. She’s got her entire future in front of her. When we were together, I couldn’t give her what she wanted. Now that she’s had a taste of freedom, life in Manhattan, she’s definitely not going to want anything I could offer. Besides, I’m not cut out for a real relationship anymore.” He fixes me with a solemn stare. “Whatever is going on between you and Connor —” he lifts a hand, pausing the interruption on the tip of my tongue, “whatever it is, Low, you need to decide if you’re in it for the long haul or not. The sooner you decide, the better off you’ll be. Because, like me, Connor’s life is here. He’s got his gym, his career, his pop…”
He shakes his head again, placing his fork down next to his plate. “I knew Chicago wasn’t it for Charlie. You need to decide if this life here is going to be enough for you. If life with Connor is going to be enough.” He says the last words softly, his eyes distant, as if he’s not talking about Connor and me at all.
A lump of emotion, of complicated feelings and frustrations, swells in my throat. I pick up my wine glass and take a long drink, trying to wash it away.
18
Connor
“Here he is!” Eli announces as I step into his backyard.
I grin, throwing an arm around my best friend and slapping his back. “Sorry I’m late, man.”
“Nah, there’s no time on these things. How’s Cameron?”
“Okay,” I say, not wanting to admit that Pop’s health is deteriorating by the day. His arms and legs are failing him, his anxiety is spiking, and some mornings he doesn’t have any recollections of his life. The onset of his symptoms was sudden, but now, the changes in his body and personality are occurring so rapidly, I can’t keep up.
I don’t tell Eli that. Not today, when he’s hosting a BBQ for his friends, when he’s created a good-time vibe that shouldn’t be ruined by the depressing thoughts running through my head.
“Hey!” I greet Zoe instead, pulling her into a hug before I shake hands with Evan and toss Ollie into the air. It seems like the only way I managed to make it through this week was by keeping myself engaged, busy. There’s no way I can stop now.
“Connor!” Harlow calls out, appearing before me like a mirage.
I swallow, placing Ollie back on his feet. He scurries off, yelling something about a soccer game. I grin at my girl, missing her even though she’s standing in front of me. “Hi, Low.” I reach forward to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and pull her in for a quick kiss. “I missed you, baby. This week has been hell.”
At my words, she relaxes in my arms and I feel like an ass for keeping her on edge all week. But being with Harlow means being honest, and I haven’t wanted to be forthcoming with all the shit swirling in my mind. So I’ve kept busy, but busy without Harlow.
“I missed you too.” She squeezes me tighter. “How’s your dad?”
I shrug, keeping the smirk pasted on my face even though it’s desperate to slip. “How was your week? Everything ready for Eli’s premiere?”
Harlow’s eyes narrow, a flash of green, but she lets me off the hook. “My week was busy, but awesome. I’ve been working closely with Helen for the premiere, and it’s been so…” she pauses, a grin spreading across her face, “fulfilling, you know? I’m learning so much more and it’s just exciting to have a larger role behind-the-scenes. But yeah, things are coming along and will be good to go in the next week. The big thing is finalizing interviews for Eli and prepping him for them.”
As she talks, I lead her over to a large cooler I know Eli stocked with beer. I hold one out for Harlow. She shakes her head, so I pop the cap with a bottle opener and take a long swig.
The beer is cold and refreshing and centers me after such a crappy week.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying the work, babe,” I say, smacking my lips.
The brightness of her eyes dims a little, but she nods. “Yeah, it’s —” her phone beeps and she pauses, pulling it from her pocket. Whatever she reads on the screen causes her to chuckle as her fingers fly over the keypad.
“What’s going on?” I ask, curious and slightly irritated that this is the first time I’ve seen her all week and she’s this distracted by a message.
Because you haven’t been distracted at all…
I take another swig of my beer, knowing I’m being unfair.
“Nothing, sorry.” She shakes her head, still smiling. “My friends are trying to get me to extend our visit to L.A.”
“Extend?” My tone is harsher than I intend.
I wince as she glances up. Her expression is slightly bewildered as she frowns at me.
“Of course you should extend if you want to spend more time with your friends,” I blurt out.
“You don’t want to stay longer?”
I raise the bottle to my lips and take another long drink. “I can’t, babe. I can’t leave Pop any longer than the weekend.”
Harlow cringes, embarrassed. “Right, I’m sorry. I didn’t even—”
“It’s cool,” I cut her off to put her out of her misery. Of course she’s excited about the premiere, seeing her friends, being back in L.A. Just because my life is circling the drain doesn’t mean everyone else’s has stopped moving forward.
An awkward silence stretches between us. It should worry me. In the past, silences like this put me on edge. But right now, after the week I’ve had, I’m too tired to read much into it.
“I don’t have to stay,” Harlow says after a beat.
I flash her a quick grin. “You do you, babe. Whatever you want.” I flip my chin toward one of Eli’s friends I haven’t seen in a while. “I’m going to go say hello. You want a drink?”
She clears her throat, staring at me. “No.”
“You good?” I ask after another stretch of silence.
“Yeah.”
“’Kay.” I tug the end of her hair before I escape to where Eli and his friends are talking.
Extend my stay in L.A.? The thought is so ludicrous I almost laugh out loud.
“Hey man,” I say in greeting to Eli’s friend Karim.
“Hi, Connor, how’s it going?” Karim grins, slapping me on the shoulder and gesturing at his friend. “This is my buddy, Carlo.”
“Hey, man.” Carlo extends a hand and I shake it.
“Carlo, wait a minute, you know Harlow, don’t you?” Eli asks, his eyes swinging from Sam to Harlow and back again. “She used to be my P.A. but now she’s managing my life.” He chuckles as Carlo nods.
“Shit, yeah. I haven’t seen Harlow in like, a year. She’s here?” Carlo asks, peering around Eli. When his gaze lands on Low, his grin widens and his tongue darts out, swiping over his lower lip.
Everything about this guy, from his designer shirt to the ridiculous Rolex gleaming from his wrist, pisses
me off. But the way he looks at Low, like she’s a goddamn steak instead of my girl, causes fury to flood my bloodstream.
“She’s here,” Eli points her out, oblivious to how his friend is practically salivating over Harlow.
“Let me go say hey,” he says, smacking the back of his hand against Karim’s shoulders before he slides his sunglasses over his eyes and strides toward Harlow.
I narrow my gaze, hating the way Harlow’s face lights up when she sees Carlo. He wraps his arms around her and hugs her close, for several seconds longer than necessary. When Harlow steps out of his grasp, both of them speak at the same time. Harlow’s laughter, light and breathy, meets my ears and darkens my mood.
“How’re things at the gym, man? Still training?” Karim asks and I’m forced to look away from Harlow and refocus on Karim.
Silently cursing myself for leaving Harlow, I mutter, “Gym’s okay. Nah, not anymore. I had a career-ending concussion a few months ago.”
“Shit,” Karim swears. “I’m sorry, dude. That blows.”
“Yeah.”
Across from me, Eli’s brows furrow and I know he’s asking me if I’m okay. I tip my chin at him, excusing myself to use the bathroom.
The heat of the day suddenly seems unbearable. Sweat drips between my shoulder blades. I swipe another beer, swigging half the contents. Harlow’s still talking to Carlo. She looks so carefree, so happy, so in her goddamn element while I’m completely on edge.
Maddie and Ollie play with other kids in the yard. A guy Eli hired is at the grill, flipping chicken wings and steaks. The women mill about with wine glasses in their hands. Everyone is smiling and unwinding, chatting and laughing.
Everyone except me.
Watching Harlow effortlessly engage in conversation with this dick who keeps touching her unnecessarily, a tap to her forearm, a caress to her shoulder, has my stomach in knots. This guy is encroaching all over her and she’s oblivious.
She’s pure sunshine while I feel like a solar eclipse, a dark shadow who’s going to stamp out her light.
I’m staring at her, grimacing, when her gaze collides with mine. Her smile widens and she waves me over. “Carlo, have you met my boyfriend, Connor?”
Carlo’s expression never slips as his eyes swing to mine, but there’s a tightness to his jaw I don’t care for. “Yeah, we just met. Didn’t know you guys were together. I mean, I know things with Bryce…”
“Yeah.” Harlow’s smile slides straight off her face at the mention of Bryce.
“Look, Harlow, sorry I brought it up…” This fucking guy wraps his hand around her elbow again.
She drops her head to my shoulder for a minute. I know I should slip an arm around her waist, provide her some comfort as she works through her feelings about Bryce’s betrayal in front of this loser. Instead, I fucking hate that she has any feelings toward Bryce at all.
I widen my stance, knowing I’m coming off like a dick too but too far past caring.
“Carlo’s going to be at the premiere too. We were just talking about the after party,” Harlow explains.
“Yeah.” He slides his hand from her elbows to her wrist and I feel the muscles in my arms clench, some of my knuckles popping as my hands curl into fists. “Hey, if you guys are in town afterwards, I’m having a dinner at Shark on Tuesday. You should come.” He extends the invitation to both of us, but his eyes are glued to Harlow’s.
“Ooh, I love Shark! Haven’t been there in ages. Thanks, Carlo. If we stick around, I’ll let you know,” Harlow answers breezily. I know she doesn’t mean anything by it.
Carlo’s smile widens, and he flicks me a knowing look I’d like to punch right off his face.
I clear my throat, relieved that Zoe steps into our little huddle and engages Harlow in conversation.
I need to get out of here. I shouldn’t have come. I’m not in the right headspace for this. Everyone is acting like things are fun and easy. Everyone is relaxing and enjoying the BBQ, the goddamn summer which is the worst of my entire life.
I feel like I’m about to snap, coiled too tightly from the stress of this week, from the realization that my time with Pop is even more limited than I realized. From having to admit that Harlow shines brighter than the damn Hollywood sign.
In the past, I always knew she was too big for my world. But right now, coming face to face with it, hearing the excitement in her voice when she speaks about the premiere, about working with Helen, about going to L.A., it’s like a slap in the face. Witnessing her gab it up with Carlo is like a damn sucker punch. Her world is always going to be larger than the tiny corner I occupy.
Understanding explodes in my mind like a volcano.
I need her right now. I need her so badly, I ache for her. She centers me, comforts me, and gives me something to hope for.
But for her, my need is limiting and restrictive. It closes up her world and makes her future smaller. It’s the perfect breeding ground for resentment. Hell, I’m already resenting the hell out of myself for not being the man she needs me to be. The man she fucking deserves.
For the second time in ten minutes, I clear my throat and excuse myself, heading back to the goddamn cooler.
19
Harlow
Connor’s been distant.
Not only do I feel like he’s avoiding me, but when we’re together, he’s lost in his own head. I’m not sure if he’s worried about Cyanide, the launch, his dad, or things between us. Whatever it is, I hate that he’s pulling away from me.
Eli’s words ring in my mind about not letting him put distance between us. And yet, it’s already happening. We’re flying to L.A. in six days for the premiere and I’ve been busy with my own crazy schedule.
Since Eli suggested I help out with some of the PR for the premiere, I’ve been working with Helen to finalize his interviews and photo ops. The opportunity has been a dream come true. Helen’s included me in conversations about talking points and even let me have a go at drafting a press release. Handling all the logistics, throwing myself into any of the tasks Helen engages me in, and ensuring that Eli’s personal brand is consistent with the event, has me working late into the night. There are so many working parts that need to perfectly come together in order to do my job well.
In addition to work, I’ve been fielding phone calls from my family and friends in L.A. asking how long I’ll be in town for after the premiere. The thought of extending my stay fills me with mixed emotions. On one hand, it’s comforting to know I can spend a night kicked back, drinking beers with Jack, or blow off steam dancing at a nightclub with my friends. But the thought also fills me with nerves. How will Connor react? Will he be upset if I stay longer? Will he be comfortable around my family and friends? Can he handle Mom’s subtle jabs at his career choices?
Burying my face in my hands, I blow out a sigh.
I’m good, I’ve got this.
I stand from the table and fill a glass of water from the kitchen faucet, my eyes narrowing as it continues to leak after I turn it off.
“Seriously?” I grumble at the faucet which drips in response.
I swear, smacking my palm against the edge of the countertop.
“This is not a big deal,” I remind myself. Deep down, I know it isn’t. But on top of all the things I need to do to get through today, the leaky faucet feels like an omen of difficult times ahead. Turning my back so I don’t have to watch the incessant dripping, I block it out and run through today’s to-do list.
Call the tailor about my dress. Work out. Prep Eli for his big interviews. Connect with three different people in L.A. about appearances Eli is making. Run through—
A knock on my door interrupts my thoughts and saves me from contemplating how I’m going to get everything done before my flight. Deep down, I always know everything will get done, yet I can’t help but agonize over it until the last minute, when I’m wheels up and ready to crash from exhaustion.
I pull open my door, relieved to see Connor standing on the other
side. “Hey.”
He’s wearing a T-shirt with the arms cut off and a pair of cargo shorts. His work boots are caked with mud, his shirt stained with sweat.
“Hey,” he replies, stepping inside my place and toeing off his boots.
“What’s going on?” I look up at him, tilting my head and crossing my arms across my chest. “I thought we were getting together later?” I wince when I realize how defensive I sound. Why? Things between Connor and I were going so great and now, since Eli’s BBQ, it’s like we’re a little off-balance and neither one of us knows the right steps to take to keep from capsizing.
“We are,” he says. “I just, I had some time and I wanted to see you.”
“Oh,” I brighten, snuffing out the flicker of panic in my mind about the time I’m about to lose on my to-do list. “I’m glad you came by.” I step forward, wrapping my arms around him.
He grabs my upper arms and steps out of my embrace. “I’m disgusting, Low. Don’t ruin whatever designer dress you’re wearing.”
I swallow, hurt by his brush-off. Dropping my gaze to the floor, I try to rein in my emotions.
“Look, I didn’t mean…” Connor trails off. His fingers come under my chin and he lifts my face to his. “I’m in a piss-poor mood. I’m sorry.”
“Did something happen?” I ask, noticing the purple half-moons stamped under his eyes. He looks more exhausted than usual.
Connor sighs, closing his eyes and cracking his knuckles. “Pop had a really rough night. They’re getting more frequent, more intense. Just…worse. I was there as soon as they would let me in at four this morning and then I had to get to the gym to train Jay before going to my construction job. I’m just glad we finished early today. I gotta shower and head back to Pop. I know we said dinner, but can we get together late? I want to eat with Pop.”
“Connor, why didn’t you call me?” I ask, horrified that this is the first time I’m learning about his dad. “It’s 4PM.”