by Toni Aleo
When the tears start to burn my eyes, I turn on my heel, looking to the cop. “I’ll wait outside.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying for ya to do, madam.”
I flash him a grin. “Eh, I don’t listen well. I apologize.” I look to Jackson, and a grin is resting on his lips, his eyes burning such a lovely, warm shade of brown as he stares at me. “I’ll be outside.”
“I’ll be out there soon, I hope,” he says, his gaze cutting to the officers before coming back to me. “Wait for me?”
“Absolutely.”
I start for the doors just as he says, “Hey, Lena.”
I glance back at Jackson. “Yeah?”
“I’m proud of you.”
My heart soars, the tears rolling down my cheeks as I nod. I am proud of me too, but it’s all because of him. He found me when I had fallen, and he helped me rise. But I can’t tell him that right now, so in a whisper, I say, “Thank you.”
Hell, I want to say so much more.
But we have all the time in the world for that.
When Jackson gets in the car, I know something is wrong.
Leaning over, I kiss his cheek softly, but he doesn’t lean into it like he usually does.
“I’m so glad yer okay,” I say and he nods.
“It was nothing.”
His face is red, and the papers he’s holding are crumpled in his hand. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing,” he says dryly as Tony takes off. “Just have a huge cut in my face, and I have to return in a month because that bastard pressed charges. What a fucking pussy.”
“Did you press charges?”
“No. We’re men, we got it out, and we’re done. Fuck.”
I don’t understand why he is so upset, but I don’t want to ask with Tony in the car. Jackson’s obviously angry, and I don’t want Tony knowing why. It’s none of his business. Plus, I’m sort of hoping this doesn’t get back to my ma. I know it’s stupid to hope for, but I didn’t see any media tonight. So, I may get lucky.
When we stop in front of the house, Tony gets out first, and I’m surprised when Jackson goes out the other side without waiting for me like he usually does. When my door opens, I take Tony’s hand before stepping out, my gaze locking with Jackson’s as he comes around the car. His shoulders are tight, his eyes wild as he shakes his head.
“I’m gonna head to bed.”
I hook my thumb to the house. “I thought we were heading that way.”
“No, my bed.”
I just blink. “Oh?”
“Yeah. I need to think.”
My gaze narrows. “What in the world is wrong with ya?”
He looks down at the gravel, kicking a rock as he lets out a curse. “You make me fucking crazy.”
“Me?”
“Yeah! I’ve never in my life wanted to rip a man limb from limb. But tonight, I was ready to do it for you, and I didn’t even think about it. I just wanted him dead for hurting you. For touching you when he shouldn’t have. Fuck,” he yells, and my eyes are as big as quarters.
“I’m sorry?”
“Damn it,” he snaps, covering his face with his hands. “I had no choice. I couldn’t walk away from him without feeling the crack of his bones under my knuckle. Fiona tried to call me to her. But I refuse to allow someone to touch the person I love, even if it was years ago!”
The person I love. He loves me?
Breathless, I watch him as he goes on, “Now I have to come back in a month to face a judge, when I don’t have a clue what will be going on at the time. What if my new job doesn’t allow me to leave like Fiona does? What a fucking asshole! Fuck, it’s so inconvenient.”
I’d stopped listening, though. The person I love.
“Ya love me?” His eyes cut to mine as I take a step toward him. “Ya said, the person you love. That’s me?”
He lets out a long sigh, his eyes locking with mine. “Baby, you know I love you. Surely, you know that.”
I reach for his hand, lacing my fingers with his. “I love you too, Jackson.”
My heart is soaring, and when his shoulders fall, I fully expect him to take me in his arms. But instead, he says, “Man, I wish you hadn’t said that.”
I don’t understand. “Wait, what?”
Looking at the ground, he closes his eyes. “’Cause it’s going to make leaving even harder.”
He looks over at me, and surely, I’m hearing him wrong. He just told me he loved me. “What? Yer still leaving?”
He looks so pained. “You knew I was.”
“But…” I pause, holding his gaze. “But things are really good between us. We love each other!”
“But my three months are up.”
“So! Stay longer, then we can go.”
“I can’t.”
“Ya can!” I yell, my hands striking my hips. “That’s so stupid. So what, yer gonna leave, and that’s that? I thought we said we’d work it out!”
“That was before your mom needed you, and you sure as hell aren’t leaving now. We’re both going in different directions, Lena. I can’t settle down.”
My jaw drops. “Are ya fucking kidding me?”
“I told you I was leaving.”
“But that was before ya fell for me!”
He shakes his head. “I knew from the beginning that you were going to be important to me, but I can’t stay here. I want you to go with me, but even then, you’re going to want to settle down, and I don’t know that I can.”
My jaw still hangs open. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I’m not asking for yer forever yet—”
“But you’ll want it, and I don’t think I can give it to you.”
“What in the hell? Why?”
Running his hands down his face, he lets out a huge sigh. “I can’t be anywhere longer than three months.”
I still don’t understand. “You were with yer ma for longer.”
“And it messed with me. I hated it, but she would guilt me into staying. When I left, though, I knew I’d never go back.” He looks at me, exhaling shakily. “I was only supposed to stay at my dad’s for three months. That’s what they all said when my mom left. Only ninety-one days and I would be back with my mom. But then he didn’t let me go.”
Staring at him, I slowly shake my head. “My heart breaks for that boy, Jackson, but you cannot let that fear ruin us. I’m not going to trap you. Ya want to leave, leave.”
“I am.”
“So ya want to leave me?”
“No, I want to take you with me. I want to love you for the rest of my life, but I know you can’t go the way I want to go. I want to leave all the time. I need to go to different places, but you have your responsibilities here. You can’t go.”
I can’t. I know I can’t, but how can he do this? “Jackson, this is insane. Yer gonna throw us away for something that happened so long ago? Something that will never happen again? Jacks, ya know that, right?”
He nods. “I do, but I have this itch, and I gotta keep moving.”
“Even if it means losing me?” When he looks away, my heart stops. What in the hell is happening? Taking a step toward him, I grab his wrist, urging him to look at me. “Ya told me to let it go. Not to give him any power. Do the same, Jackson. Don’t let him ruin you, us.”
“It’s not that easy—”
“Who ya telling? I know, but don’t you see? I want to move forward with you,” I urge, tears clouding my vision. “Ya want to travel, fine. We’ll go on holidays all the time—”
“Until when? You want to get married?”
“I do.”
“And you want babies.”
“I wouldn’t mind, but not now.”
“But you will.”
“Jackson, this is insane,” I yell, shaking my head. “How can ya say ya love me but not want to be with me?”
“I do want to be with you, but I worry I can’t be the guy you want.”
“But ya are!” I exclaim, tears falling down my cheeks.
“You say you’ve gotta go. But, Jackson, ya live in my heart, so surely it means yer my destiny. And this is something we can fight together. Your da doesn’t have the power over you anymore. You do.”
“Lena—”
“No, Jacks. Let’s rewrite it all. Let’s erase all of it, let’s start new. Together, please, Jackson. The world is ours. Together. No more of yer da, no more of Casey. Just us and this love we share. We’re so good together, ya know that. I want ya to have my forever, and I want yers.”
But he won’t look at me. “I want that too. But, Lena, I start to feel like I’m suffocating as soon as I hit that three-month period.”
“Then I’ll help you breathe,” I plead as I reach for him, bringing his head down so his forehead presses to mine. “I love you, Jackson. I love you so much. Stay, don’t leave me. Please.” Gripping his face, I press my lips to his as my tears run down my cheeks and his. “You can’t. We’re meant to be together.”
“I want to believe that, but—”
“No buts. Please, Jackson. We can do this together. Just like ya helped me, I can help you through this.”
“It’s all in my head, Lena. It messes with me—”
“Then we’ll fight it. Together.”
But he’s already shaking his head. “I can’t.”
I drop my hands, my heart breaking in my chest as I fight for breath. “So ya don’t want to even try?”
“I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have.”
“So yer just gonna give up. Yer gonna let him win.” When his eyes start to cloud with tears, I have to look away. “That’s what yer doing if you leave. Yer letting him win.” He squeezes his eyes closed, and a tear leaks out and shatters me. “Yer breaking my heart, Jackson.”
“Which is why we should just end it now before it gets even messier.”
Opening my eyes, I meet his sad ones, and everything inside me goes cold. “Ya don’t mean that.”
“I love you. I love you so much it hurts, but maybe I’m not the man you need.”
“No, yer everything I need! You are my other half.”
“And you’re mine.”
“Then don’t leave.”
“I have to,” he whispers, and when he meets my gaze, his tears falling steadily, I know he’s really leaving me.
I want to hate him. I want to hit him. I want to scream, but all I can do is cry.
“I love you.”
He hiccups a sob before he swallows thickly, his eyes never leaving mine. Clearing his throat, he says, “I love you, Lena O’Callaghan. You deserve the world.”
“I don’t want anything but you,” I answer, and he stops mid-stride, his eyes closing as he presses his lips together.
“I’m sorry I’m not enough.”
“But ya are, and the sooner ya realize, the better.”
But he walks away, and I fear sooner may never come.
I fear I just lost the love of my life to a ghost.
Day ninety-one.
I remember when my mom left. She promised that she’d be back to get me before school started. That we’d go shopping for new supplies and clothes. I asked for the new Jordans, and she told me she’d see what she could do. But again, she promised she’d see me in only three months.
I stopped counting at Day 1,095.
I think I finally realized then that my dad would never let me see my mom again. I remember sitting in my room, sobbing for her. But I knew she couldn’t hear me. My dad didn’t care; he laughed when I used to cry for her. I remember the pain in my chest and my gut. I can still feel the snot on my hands from wiping my nose over and over again. I felt like I wanted to die, almost how I feel now.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath as I move the chair to the top of the table. I already said bye to the guys, wishing them well and promising them a drink when I’m in town again. Probably when I come back for court. But it may be too painful to be here and know I can’t see or touch Lena.
Not that she would let me.
Her face, fuck, her eyes. Everything had been excruciating to see that day. I never wanted to make her cry, make her hurt, but I had done both. The thing is, I knew damn well what I was doing when I fell for her. I set us up for that, and if I hadn’t felt like a jerk already, I’d feel like the dirt on the sole of her shoes.
Fuck, I miss her.
Already, and I haven’t even left yet.
I’ve wanted to go to her room for the last week and a half. I’d see her here and there, but I wouldn’t approach her. I considered it when I saw her riding yesterday. I wanted to stop her, tell her I was sorry and that I was a coward, but I couldn’t look her in the eye. I couldn’t admit the fact that I was throwing away my future because of my past. Something I had told her not to do. I broke her heart, and there was no way I could fix that.
I’m a fucking hypocrite.
A worthless hypocrite who will probably die alone.
Wow, table for one at the pity party, please.
When I reach for another chair and place it on the table, I find Fiona and Amberlyn watching me. Crap, how long have they been there? I really didn’t want to be social, but I don’t think they’re gonna give me a choice. Putting on a brave face, I smile. “She hire you back? The replacement being replaced by the original?”
“No, she turned me down. She’s got a kid and a husband. Like it’s so hard,” Fiona said with a laugh, laying an envelope on the table. “This is for ya.”
I come to the bar, taking the envelope in my hand before tapping it to the bar. “Thank you.”
“It has my number, for if ya find yerself back and need a job.”
I smile. “This is the first place I’d go.”
“Ya better,” she says and then brings me in for a tight hug. “I wish you’d just stay.”
“Yeah, but Scotland and then the world is waiting for me.”
“Eh, screw them. We’re better,” she says with a wink, and then she taps my bicep. “Pretty sure ya heard there is no other place like Mayo.”
My stomach turns. “I did hear that.”
She thumps the bar. “It’s true.” Problem is, I already know that. “Ya change yer mind, the job is still yers.”
“Thanks, Fiona. Honestly.”
She nods, but the joy isn’t in her eyes as she turns to head out through the kitchen door. I am going to miss that girl almost as much as I will miss Lena. Fiona was a great boss and a super mom. I am going to miss this pub. It was by far my favorite place to work. The people, the food, the drinks. Everything was just perfect.
Just as Lena had said it was.
But I’m pretty sure it was Lena that made everything so damn great.
Exhaling, I fold up my check, tucking it into my pocket before I go back to work and to finish my pity party. I have my rag out, ready to wipe down the bar when I notice Amberlyn didn’t follow Fiona. She is watching me, a weird look on her face. I look at her in question. “Do you have a check for me too?”
She laughs, leaning on the bar. “No, I’m just not ready to go yet.”
“Oh?”
“We don’t know each other well.”
I shrug. “I mean, not too well, but we’re cool. You bring me cookies, so basically, I think you’re the coolest chick ever.”
She grins. “You’re sweet. But let me ask you something, Jackson.”
I have a feeling she’s about to ask me about Lena, and I’m unsure how I’ll get out of it. “Did you ever hear why I came here?”
Oh. I hadn’t expected that. I lean on the bar too, lacing my fingers together. “Your parents had passed, right?”
She nods, a small smile on her face. “My dad died when I was younger, but I lost my mom only four years ago.” Lacing her fingers together, she lets out a soft sigh. “I remember thinking I was crazy to come here, but she wanted so badly for me to, so I came.”
“I’m surprised you weren’t scared.”
She laughs. “I was terrified.” I smile as she goes on, “My mom, she gav
e me three things to do once I got here.” She held up three fingers before naming them off. “Fall in love, take a risk, and do something drastic.”
A smile pulls at my lips. “Did you do it?”
She grins widely. “Yes! My risk was putting myself out there. I am a shy girl. But I wanted Declan so badly, I told him. I was with someone at the time, but I told Declan not to give up on me.”
“Obviously, he didn’t.”
“Nope, and then I fell for him. Oh, I fell hard. So hard, that my something drastic was jumping in front of a bullet for him.”
I nod, the story giving me chills like it did the first time it was told to me. “That’s some love.”
“It is. He is my other half.”
Yer my other half.
I grimace at the thought, still hearing Lena in my head. “That’s great.”
“Have you done those three things?”
I look up at her, confused. “I don’t have to, do I?”
“I would,” she says, holding my gaze. “I think they’re actually a good life plan.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, maybe not so accurately, but fall in love with the situation you’re in. Do something drastic to make your day better. And take a risk to achieve what you want.”
Her eyes are bright as she grins back at me. “I have them framed in my living room. I try to do them every day. My risk today, not plugging my nose while I changed Ronan’s diaper.”
I laugh out. “How’d that go?”
“Ah, awful, but I did it.”
“Risk-taker,” I say with a wink, and she smiles.
“It’s liberating. Taking a risk, falling in love, and doing something drastic—all three things can change your life.” I shrug, not truly convinced. I just don’t think they apply to me. But the way Amberlyn is looking at me, I think she thinks they do. “Have you taken a risk lately?”
I figure I’ll entertain her, so I shrug as I think that over. “I fought some guy I didn’t know because he hurt the girl I loved.”
She grinned. “So you’ve fallen in love?”
“Oh yeah, head over heels, face in the dirt in love with her.”
Her eyes sparkle as she leans on the bar. “Have ya done something drastic?”
This is where she loses me. Shaking my head, I shrug at her dismay. “Nothing to do.”