Repented

by Sophie Monroe

  I knew how much it sucked to be honest about something that hurt you. I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to learn to do the same thing. Even though I was hurting and she was the reason, part of me wanted to console her.

  “Why didn’t you guys tell us you got married?”

  She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “It was a spur of the moment thing. We just did it one day, kind of like a fuck you to the system. Please, we were just eighteen and spent a majority of our lives fighting for something that neither of us had. A family. Then he left me, just like everyone else did. After that, all I wanted to do was get away. Even though I was young, I didn’t want to take the only other thing he loved away, and that was his music. The only way to do that was if he thought that I up and left him too. I knew if I told you, even though you were screwed up at the time, that you wouldn’t have let me go. So even though I had my own selfish reasons, I wanted Derek to make something of himself. I didn’t want him to give up everything he loved to be a dad to a kid that possibly didn’t even belong to him. No offense, but you were in no way shape or form capable, or willing, to step up to the plate, and I was better off doing it on my own.”

  Her words cut me. Deep. I felt like I was a fucking asshole.

  “I’m still just trying to understand the timing. Why here in LA? Why my wedding?”

  “Well basically, Derek tracked me down and showed up out of the blue with divorce papers. Just as he was getting ready to leave, Skylar popped out the door, and Derek looked like a deer in the headlights. Things quickly spun out of control, and he wouldn’t let me explain much of anything. I knew I needed to tell him that Sky wasn’t his, but I couldn’t. I choked. Seeing him again brought so much to the surface. And even though he came with papers, I guess I was just holding onto hope that maybe we would have a chance. I know it sounds crazy and that we had a completely beyond dysfunctional relationship, but he was my first love." She turned to look at Skylar, then back to me. "When he invited me here, I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t refuse. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you alone before the wedding, but there wasn’t any time. Trust me, I was just as shocked at what Joss did as everyone else was. She had been drilling me relentlessly, and I slipped up. She should have waited…” she trailed off.

  “It’s too late to go back now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think we need to do a DNA test just to be positive that he is mine. If he is, I promise I’ll be there for him and you the best I can. I’ve missed out on a lot, but that shouldn’t be held against me since I didn’t even know he existed until yesterday.”

  There was a lot of tension in the air, but it wasn’t the sexual kind. It was the cut a knife through the air kind. “Okay. I guess just let me know when to show up, or I can schedule it if you want?”

  “I’ll schedule it. I want to make some calls and find the best place.” I wanted to make damn sure there would be no rigging of the results. I also wanted to make sure that nothing got leaked to the press. Jake and Blake had more issues with the paparazzi than I did, but a scandal was a scandal. As it was, this very well may be the end of the band, or at least me being a part of it.

  With that out of the way, I wanted to just take the rest of the day to start getting everything in order. Taking a sip of my green tea, I looked over to the playground where Skylar was playing. He seemed like a good enough kid. It was still hard to try and wrap my head around everything that had transpired in the last twenty-four hours. Until it was resolved, I wanted to keep them here in LA.

  Joss had mentioned something about being close to eviction, and she just confirmed it. Even dealing with everything I was going through at the moment I decided that even if he weren't mine, I’d make sure that they had somewhere to go and a roof over their heads. At the rate I was going, I needed all the good karma I could get.

  As much as I tried to stop it, Bryn kept popping into my thoughts. I wished more than anything that she was here with me today. She always knew how to handle high-stress situations and the right questions to ask. I guess that was the doctor in her. Instead, I sat here alone trying to figure shit out on my own, for what seemed to be like the first time in my adult life.

  The more I thought about it, even though it was hard, I couldn't blame her for bailing. This was a whole new realm of disaster. If Skylar was mine, it was going to add a whole new level of commitment and responsibility to my life. As far as Kennedy was concerned, there wasn’t that connection from our youth. It would take time and effort to slowly build a friendship up, but we were both adult enough to manage it.

  We sat mostly in silence with occasional small talk, watching Skylar play, until he came running over to eat his bagel. He seemed perfectly content and undisrupted by anything going on. It made me wish I could go back to being his age. Back before things got complicated.

  CHAPTER THREE

  TAKE IT OUT ON ME

  It had been a few hours since I left Kennedy and Skylar. I still had a lot on my mind but was thankful for the few answers I got. Tossing the few personal items I had out into my duffle bag, I made my way downstairs to check out of the hotel and head back to my apartment. My heart was hoping that Bryn would be there, but my brain knew there wasn’t a very good chance she would be. If I could just have five minutes to talk to her to let her know what was going on, maybe she'd have a change of heart.

  The valet pulled up in my BMW M3 and tossed me the keys.

  He shook his head. “Don’t know what it is, but hang in there, man.”

  Giving a small nod, I tossed my bag into the passenger seat and climbed in. The LA rush hour traffic seemed to have died down, which would be good for me since I would be able to tear through the gears and drive out a little of my frustration. I cranked up the new Guilty Tendencies demo CD and put the pedal to the metal.

  Tires screeched as I pulled onto West Olympic Blvd. The buildings passed by in a blur. In no time, I made my way to the other side of the city where my apartment was. Sure enough, when I pulled into the parking garage Bryn’s assigned spot was empty. Instead of feeling hurt, I started feeling completely numb. Again, I fought the urge to fall into old ways to make it all go away. To forget.

  Grabbing my bag, I made my way inside the building. I wasn't sure what to expect, or what I'd find waiting for me once I was inside.

  Turning the key, I opened the door to find the place empty. Pictures were taken off the walls; a lot of Bryn’s touches were missing. She was in fact gone. There was another envelope sitting on the coffee table propped up against a candle.

  Kevin,

  I wrote the last letter in a hurt haste. As I’m sure you can already see, I took a lot of my things. I’ll be in touch to schedule a time to come back and get the rest soon. I couldn’t be here anymore. It hurts too much. If it makes you feel any better, this isn’t how I envisioned things either. I thought you were my forever, but I can’t deal with you having to have a new second life at what was supposed to be the start of ours. It’s not fair to either of us.

  I’ll always cherish the time and memories we shared together, and I’m proud of who you’ve become. I sincerely hope that you don’t use this an excuse to fall into old patterns. You’re better than that. Who knows maybe in time we can even be friends, but for right now I would really just like to be alone. I hope you can find it in your heart to understand.

  Love, Bryn

  Sitting on the couch, I buried my face in my hands and cried like a little bitch. Everything had finally unraveled. I wasn’t even sure how to start picking up the pieces, or where to start. I didn't know what the next step needed to be, but I knew that as much as I wanted to be alone, it wasn’t a good idea.

  I needed my friends. Hopefully, I still had them.

  Fishing my phone from my pocket, I pulled up Aubrey’s number and pressed call. If anyone would be able to keep the peace, it would be her. I wasn’t sure what was going through Derek’s mind either. He probably wanted to murder me, and I needed to apologize to him.
>
  “Kevin?” Aubrey answered frantically.

  “Hey,” I tried my best to keep my voice even.

  I heard Jake in the background and Aubrey hushing him. “How are you? Where are you? We’ve all been worried sick about you.”

  “I’ve been better. I just got home a few minutes ago. Bryn’s gone.” I took another glance around the apartment. Definitely wasn't seeing things, she was gone.

  “Oh my god, Kev. I’m so sorry. What can we do?”

  “Can you guys come here? All of you? I don’t want to be alone right now.” It was like admitting defeat, but I needed them.

  “Of course. Give us an hour, and I’ll round the troops.” She hung up the call before saying goodbye, and I knew she was going to be a woman on a mission. I just hoped that the band was going to be able to survive. Besides Bryn, that was the other love of my life.

  Sure enough, less than an hour later there was a knock on the door.

  “Come in,” I called. I hadn’t moved from the couch.

  “Fuck man, you look like ass,” Jake said.

  “Jake Parker!” Aubrey scolded. “Show some respect. He didn’t know this was going to happen either.”

  “Maybe he should have kept it in his pants instead,” I heard from the hallway. Derek walked in holding hands with Joss. Guilt flooded me. Piper and Blake followed him with boxes of pizza in hand.

  Placing the boxes on the coffee table, everyone spread out across the living room. Aubrey sat next to me and held my hand, which I was grateful for. She was the band matriarch, and it meant a lot to have her support. Derek looked like he didn’t want to be here, and Joss sat next to him rubbing his back. His eyes met mine, and I waited for whatever was coming.

  “Part of me wants to rip your throat out. The other part of me wants to thank all that’s holy that you bit the bullet and not me,” Derek said, looking me square in the eye. “The thing I’m struggling most with is that you knew she was my fucking girlfriend, dude. We were together for years, and then you turn around and fuck her. Not only did you fuck her, but you knocked her up and then helped her runaway.”

  There was nothing I could say that was going to make the situation go away. “I wish I had some reasoning that would make it all make sense. Better yet, I wish it never happened in the first place, but we were kids. It happened after you guys had a huge fight; I was drunk and high. I know that's not an excuse, and honestly I don't know why I did it. She always acted playful toward me, and I guess I just wanted her. I’m sorry, D. You have to believe me. I need you guys so fucking much right now.” A lump formed in my throat. Derek stared at me and gave a small nod. It wasn't going to be the end of it, but at least it was one less thing that had to be aired out.

  Aubrey squeezed my hand in reassurance. “Where do we start?”

  “I say he starts with a paternity test,” Jake said, causing her head to whip to the side. “What? I don’t think the kid looks like either of them,” he shrugged looking between Derek and me.

  “Actually, I told her that this morning. I just want to make sure it's a place that isn’t going to leak anything to the press.” The last thing I needed was to end up on all the celebrity gossip sites, saying what an asshole I was for abandoning the secret love child I had with my band mate's wife. That would go over awesome.

  Aubrey shook her head and smiled. “Okay, that’s a starting point at least. I’ll start looking at places and see if we can’t get you in right away. The sooner you find out, the better.”

  “I say we eat. I’m starving.” Blake said, opening the lid to the pizza box.

  We ate mostly in silence, but I was just happy they were all here. Aubrey went into the kitchen and started making phone calls. One place was able to get us in the following morning and said it would take about forty-eight hours to get the results back. At least it would only be a few more days of torture before I knew one way or the other.

  We were supposed to be heading back to Smithville in a little over a week to start recording our new album. Jake signed Zach’s band, Guilty Tendencies, and they were going to start tracking too. Bryn and I were planning to go back and look for a place to live around there after the wedding. It looked like now, if I was going, I would be living in the Parker guesthouse.

  Derek kept staring at me. It was hard to tell what was going through his head. I’m sure he was probably feeling betrayed, with good reason. Luckily, Joss was keeping his interest focused on her. Jake put on a movie and we all spread out. Silent moments ticked by, and before long hours had passed.

  “Fuck this!” Derek said, it sounded exceptionally loud but probably just because it was utter silence otherwise. He jumped off the couch and lunged at me landing in my lap. Wrapping his arm around the back of my neck, he pulled me close to him and fucked up my hair. “I still want to punch you in the face, but I love you. Now, let’s go get tattoos and get drunk. None of the girls are pregnant. Except maybe Aubrey, because she’s going to land a reality show like 19 Kids and Counting at the rate they’re going. Seriously though, this laying around moping shit isn’t doing any of us any good.”

  “I resent that statement,” Aubrey laughed, rolling her eyes.

  Jake went and started groping her. “Hey, Aubrey and I are doing the world a favor by gracing the world with pure awesomeness.”

  “Whatever dick,” Derek said, tossing a piece of pizza crust at Jake’s head.

  “You better not be thinking about knocking up my sister, or you’ll be eating teeth,” Blake said staring him down.

  “Not yet, but once my divorce papers are finalized I plan on making an honest woman out of her, then knocking her up. If she’ll let me, of course.” He had that stupid love struck grin on his face. All of us get it when we first fall in love. It was clear he had it all sorts of bad for Joss. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, with they’re chemistry and history it was only a matter of time before they figured out they were meant for each other. It made me miss Bryn. This was supposed to be a time of new beginnings for me, and instead it was a bittersweet ending.

  "At least put a ring on it first." Blake grumbled, as everyone headed for the door.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  MOVING FORWARD IN REVERSE

  After shooting a quick text to Kennedy about the appointment, I locked the door and followed everyone down the stairs and out into the street. I couldn’t escape the feelings paralyzing my brain, but I needed to make the most of the night and be present. There was no reverse in life, no way to change what happened. The only way to get any resolve was facing it and dealing with the repercussions as they came.

  Derek and Joss were leading the way. His hand was in the back pocket of her jeans, giving the occasional squeeze. Blake looked he wanted to be happy, but it was his sister and Derek didn’t exactly have the cleanest past. Aubrey and Jake hung back with me. Aubrey looped her arm in mine.

  “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but everything happens for a reason. I’m a firm believer in that. When all that stuff happened to me, I wasn’t sure any of this would ever be in the cards for me. Hell, I could barely even hug people before Jake came into my life. We don’t know why things happen and sometimes we never find out, but maybe it’s for the best that it played out the way it did. We love you, and we’re here to support you through anything you need,” Aubrey said sincerely.

  “You’re right. It's difficult to see that right now because I'm struggling to come to terms with everything that's transpired in the last twenty-four hours. It’s hard not to want to fall into old ways to try and make it all go away, even if it’s just for a little while.”

  “Listen to me,” Jake said, grabbing my shoulder and stopping me dead in my tracks. “Do not even think about it. I will personally break your face. You’re not that guy anymore. We’ve all struggled, but I promise you you’ll get through this. If you start up on that shit again, you’re out. I can’t have that around, and I won’t subject the kids to it either. Got it?”

  “Got it. I haven’t
touched anything. I wasn’t planning on it either, but knowing there’s something that can temporarily transport me to where none of this affects me it crosses your mind, ya know?”

  Jake nodded. “You know if anyone understands, I do. How many nights…”

  Aubrey cut him off with a kiss. “We do not need to walk down the memory lane of sexcapades thank you very much.”

  “Sorry, babe. You know the only one that matters is you. You’re the hottest, prettiest, sexiest out of any of them.”

  “Nice save,” she said, playfully punching his arm.

  Suddenly, we stopped short again. Looking up, the sign said Shotzey’s Tattoo. Derek opened the door and held it for Joss. The rest of us filed in and took up most of the front of the small shop.

  “Can I help you?” A big, bald guy with a beard asked.

  “I was looking to get this pretty girl's name tattooed on me,” Derek grinned.

  “You know what they say about names, right?” He asked.

  “They’re considered bad luck,” Piper chimed in. “If your stupid ass could wait, I could do it for free when we get home,” she grumbled.

  “Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed; I want it now. Besides, I can afford fifty bucks for a tattoo,” Derek said, pulling out his wallet.

  “Actually, it’s one-fifty.” The big guy said, handing him a form to fill out.

  Piper rolled her eyes and went to look at the art on the wall. I felt like an outsider looking in, the odd man out. The room was small but surprisingly clean. Given the fact that it was a tattoo shop, it was a good thing. Derek handed back his signed consent form and one-hundred and fifty bucks before walking to a room in the back with Joss following closely behind.