The internal struggle resumed. Fuck. Why do I always put myself in stupid positions? I did not need to be getting carried away and get hooked. You did it last night, and you were fine. The devil on my left said. Don't do it. The angel on my right said. Think about how good it makes you feel. How amazing it makes the sex. You'll be fine if you do it just one last time. Fuck it.
"Sure, just a half though."
She pulled the long chain from around her neck and lifted it up, popping the top off the vile. She handed it to me. I positioned the knuckle of my pointer finger to my right nostril, inhaling with the left. Sucking it in as deep as possible, I handed it back to her and hoped that I didn't just make a monumental mistake.
She leaped up from my lap and started back to the bedroom. "Come fuck me, handsome."
Meaningless sex was something I used to be a pro at. I was about to hit a slippery slope. Both figuratively and literally.
KENNEDY
It was our last day here in LA, before heading back home to Phoenix. As much as it was nice to have the chance to get out of Arizona, I think I aged ten years the past week. It wasn't even ten in the morning, and I had already almost finished packing our stuff into suitcases, leaving out just the necessities.
I made quick work of doing my makeup and put on a pair of white shorts and a black t-shirt. Skylar was ready and playing a game on my phone. He told me there was a text from Kevin, but that he didn’t read it. He came into the bathroom and handed me my phone. Today was also the day we were heading to the lab to pick up the paternity test results.
I want you to know that no matter what the results are I want to help you get to a better place in life. I owe you that much after walking away from you like I did. Especially when you could have used a friend. See you soon!
“Come on, buddy. We have to go.” I said, grabbing my purse.
“Are we going to see Kevin again?” Skylar asked.
My heart hammered like a caged hummingbird; it felt like it was going to burst through my ribcage. Why was I feeling so nervous? Kevin had been great and so reassuring that I didn't double that he was going to be there.
“Yep. I’m going to drop you off at Jake and Aubrey’s house for a little bit first. They have a baby, and twins to play with. And guess what? Their house is right on the beach. You can even go play in the waves if you want.” His face lit up, as he ran and grabbed his swim trunks.
I was grateful when Aubrey called last night and offered to watch Skylar while Kevin and I went to get the results. Throughout this whole ordeal, I tried my best to keep him as sheltered from everything as possible. He was a smart and intuitive kid, so there wasn't going to be pulling any wool over his eyes. At the same token, he was only nine and didn't need to be concerned with grown up problems. He knew most families had a mom and a dad, but that some families only had one or the other, or two of each. He knew that family was made of people that loved you and stood by you no matter what, and that they’re not always your blood.
We climbed into the rental, and I plugged in the address she texted me into the GPS. The LA traffic was no joke. The 405 was gridlocked until we finally got off the exit. After a handful of turns down windy roads, I pulled up to a gate that stood in front of an enormous house with two Range Rovers parked in the driveway. Oh, how the other half live. After pressing the call button, the gates swung open, and Aubrey stood in the doorway holding an adorable little baby girl.
“Did you have any trouble finding it?” She asked.
“Not once we got through the traffic,” I laughed.
“Yeah, I could never live here full time. I’d go homicidal on someone,” she stood off to the side and gestured for us to go inside. Jake was sprawled out on the floor coloring with the twins, still looking gorgeous as ever.
“Kennedy!” He yelled getting to his feet. “Hey, little dude.” He greeted Skylar, mussing up his hair. “Jameson and Violet are over there coloring. We were waiting to head outside until you got here. Why don’t you go put your stuff down and I’ll be right there.”
The house was stunning. It was completely open with tons of natural light coming in from the mostly glass back of the house. I probably looked like an idiot as I stood there taking it all in. I always hoped that one day I would be able to afford a place of my own for Sky and me.
“This place is beautiful.”
“Thanks. It was Jake’s before we met. We did some renovation after the kids were born, so we could come back while they recorded. Since they left the label they’ll be doing most of their recording in Ohio for now, but we love it here." She smiled contently. "Can I get you anything to drink? A Zanex?" She joked.
"I'm good, thanks though."
I followed her over to the plush gray sectional and took a seat. She bounced baby Ella on her knee. Skylar came over, dressed in his swim trunks grinning from ear to ear. I gave him a kiss while Jake stood at the massive glass sliding door with the twins. It was crazy to see Jake in dad mode, but somehow it suited him. He was really a big kid anyway. The Jake that I knew growing up swore he was never getting married or settling down. He was Jake Parker, terminal bachelor. Now a happily married man.
I watched as they headed out onto the sprawling deck that led to the ocean.
My nerves were already frayed, and Kevin wasn’t even here yet.
"So, are you ready? Brett went to go get Kevin. They’re probably stuck in the same traffic you were in and should be here soon."
Aubrey was so easy to be around. You could tell she has a hard exterior, but deep down she has a heart of gold.
"It's been an emotional week. It will be nice to put it all behind us."
Aubrey filled me in on a little about herself, and her family back home. How she and Piper were best friends for most of their lives and Blake fell head over heels in love with her. That it was an uphill battle, but they managed to overcome everything and finally be together. They have a little girl Waverly, who is the same age as their youngest Ella.
At the same time as I was taking everything in, it also made me realize what I missed out on. What Skylar missed out on. No one ever threw me a baby shower. I never had reprieve from someone like Jake. It was always me and finding a way to make it with whatever I had.
Finally, the front door opened, and a mini version of the Hulk strode in. I imagined that was Brett and behind him was Kevin. He was all smiles and seemed relaxed. I only wish I could be that relaxed. Mine was all façade. Everything in the last ten years had brought me to this point right now. Change was never my thing, but life didn’t exactly always give you a choice.
“Hey Kennedy,” Kevin greeted, kissing my cheek. “Today’s the big day. Are you ready?”
He held his hand out to help me up. “As ready as I’ll ever be. Would you mind driving? I’m not too keen on LA driving.”
“Gladly.”
Handing him the keys to the rental car, I said goodbye to Aubrey and yelled one last one to Sky. He was having so much fun, he barely looked back and gave a quick wave. Taking a deep breath, I followed Kevin out to the car. He opened the door for me to get inside. My heart rate picked back up again. My hands felt clammy and my throat dry. They always say the truth will set you free, it was time for things to come full circle.
Kevin climbed in and started the car and started back out onto the twisting roads. He was still all smiles and even reached over and took my hand at one time. He was doing his best to reassure me that no matter what everything was going to be okay. But, why didn’t it feel that way? Instead, it felt like walls were closing in.
“Breathe, Kennedy.”
I turned to look at him apologetically. “Sorry. Is it that obvious?”
“Just think, in less than fifteen minutes this will all be behind us. We’ll figure everything out afterward. One thing at a time.”
He pulled into a parking space in front of the building and cut the engine. Being the gentleman he was now, he came and opened my door again. He held out his hand, taking mine; we walk
ed into the lab. After signing in, we were led back to a room and handed an envelope containing the results. With shaky hands, I handed it to Kevin. I just didn’t have the imaginary balls to open it. He pulled out the piece of paper, and his face fell.
What. The. Fuck. No! That wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.
He went and took a seat in one of the beat up plastic chairs and just stared at the paper. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I walked over and slid the paper out of his hands. Reading the results, my heart broke. This couldn’t be right. Kevin wasn’t Skylar’s father. And the timeline didn’t match up with Derek either. Could this really be happening?
After the night at Kevin's, Derek and I split and I was a mess. I did some things that I’m not so proud of, and this was the price that I was going to pay. There was no way of knowing who his dad was now. As the reality set in, I broke down and cried.
I cried for what I never had, what I would never have.
Needing air, I opened the door and walked outside. With my back against the stucco of the building, I slid down putting my face in my hands and continued to cry. I should have just signed the papers for Derek years ago and avoided all of this heartbreak. Sky would have never been the wiser, Kevin would have been married to Bryn and things would have just stayed the way they were.
Time seemed to have stood still until I felt a hand on my shoulder. Lifting my head, Kevin was kneeling in front of me. He pulled me into a hug, which just made the tears start all over again. I wasn’t used to having someone comfort me when I was hurting. Especially after what just transpired, the last thing I was expecting was his sympathy.
“Kennedy, it’s not the end of the world. Skylar is healthy and happy. You’re doing an amazing job raising him. There are far worse things. Look at what you and Derek went through. Jake didn’t have either of his parents growing up either. Skylar has you. Things may not always be perfect, and I know you’ve struggled, but you’re a great mom. I meant what I said. I’m going to fly back to Phoenix with you tomorrow, and we’re going to get you back on track. I want to do that for you. I'm going to do that for you.”
“How can you say that? I ruined you wedding. I thought you were Sky’s dad, and you’re not. And, you’re still here being so nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
And I truly felt that way. He had every right to tell me what a horrible person I was. How I ruined his life. Call me every name in the book. Yet, here he stood feeling sympathy for me.
“Listen to me, everything happens for a reason. Maybe you just saved me from making the worst mistake of my life. Maybe Bryn wasn’t who I thought she was. And just maybe, you’ve been through enough. We all make mistakes and honestly, I’m not exactly a poster child for good behavior. I’m not proud of who I was back then, but like you, I’ve turned my life around. I’m not the same person as I was. I’m better, stronger and for the most part I like who I see staring back at me in the mirror. It took a long time, a lot of therapists and support to get to this point. With a little help, you’ll be able to do the same.”
He took my hands, pulling me to my feet and hugged me. Breathing in his cologne, I continued soaking his shirt with heavy tears.
“My whole life seems to upside down. Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes? I'm so sorry, Kev,” I cried.
“C’mon, let’s go get Skylar. We’ll take him to a movie or something. It's going to be okay.”
I only wish I could feel his optimism.
CHAPTER SEVEN
FOR MY SAKE
KEVIN
The wheels of the airplane hit the tarmac, and we were back in Phoenix. The results from yesterday were still a shocker. When we got back to pick up Skylar, Aubrey was speechless but still sympathetic. Jake made a joke about possibly having fathered a kid or two he didn't know about, and we booked it out of there before we saw the lashing he was about to get. Sometimes he still needed to remember when to shut the hell up. This was one of those times that it would have been in his favor.
I truly did feel bad for Kennedy. The new, improved version of me had a lot of compassion and humanity. It wasn’t hard for people to sway one way or the other. Bad things happen to good people, and vice versa. Life is unexpected, yet beautiful. At the end of the day, Skylar was an innocent in all of this. He didn’t ask to be born. Regardless of the circumstances, I was the one that helped Kennedy run away all those years ago. Even though it was what she wanted, and I didn’t ever want to have to admit what happened that night, it was still wrong. Throughout my past, there were so many things I wished I could go back and change, or do differently. This was one case where I could pay my repentance for my mistake. A chance to do better. I at least wanted some good to come out of this disaster.
After we had left Aubrey and Jake's, Kennedy did her best to put on a brave face. I acted like nothing changed, because in my eyes it hadn't. I wasn't ready to be a dad, but I was willing to accept the challenge. As her friend, I was more than happy to take up an uncle like role in Skylar's life. We went out last night and showed Sky an awesome time. We went to the movies, played games at an arcade, got milkshakes and stayed out past his bedtime.
When I arrived to get them this morning, Kennedy looked like she barely slept last night. Her hair was piled in a bun on the top of her head; her face was makeup-less. She had on flip-flops, a baggy hoodie, and leggings. I gave her a quick hug and made my way to Skylar messing his hair up. The kid definitely had an awesome head of hair. I handed him a bag from Best Buy.
Last night, on my way home I drove past and had an idea. I watched his face as he saw what it was, which was priceless. He stared at the box for the PSP and few games like it was the best thing he'd ever had. Thinking ahead, I took it out of the box and charged it last night so he could play it on the plane ride back. Other than going to security, he hasn't put it down since.
I also had a few more things up my sleeve. Still having some connections here, I contacted a few of my realtor friends and found a place that I thought Kennedy and Skylar would be happy in. The offer was accepted yesterday, and that would be our first stop. I couldn’t wait to see their faces. Money was something I had. I stood to inherit my parent’s fortune from their health clubs and spas, along with the revenue the band brought in. I was sitting pretty.
“Back to reality,” Kennedy yawned. “Thanks again for everything, Kev.”
Looking over at her, I saw the woman she had become. “You’re welcome. Do you mind making a few stops before we head back to your place? Just some business stuff. It will be quick, I promise.”
“Yeah, no worries. It’s not like I have a whole lot waiting on me.”
Reaching overhead, I grabbed our suitcases and waited for the line to start thinning so we could get off. Phoenix no longer felt like home, neither did LA. Smithville had become home over the past year, and I couldn’t wait to get back there. It's funny how things change in the blink of an eye. We don’t always know why, or even the reason, sometimes we don't ever find out, and in most cases it's for the best.
Even though it wasn't in my best judgment, I was glad to have had the couple nights with Dana. It helped me realize that I was no longer the old Kevin. I didn't want to go back to being a junkie that didn't know, nor care, what day it was or who I hurt.
The overweight, balding man in front of us was taking his sweet ass time exiting and complaining the entire way to anyone that would listen to him. Sometimes I really had to fight the urge to be an asshole and keep my mouth shut. Had it been Derek or Blake this guy would have had his own earful. I could see the gate and after a few more minutes the stewardesses were thanking us for flying with him and to have a good stay. The next thing to do was get to the car so that we could get this show on the road.
KENNEDY
I was running on empty. The past several days had been mentally exhausting, a rollercoaster, a head-on collision, and I just needed some room to breathe. Since arriving in LA, it was nonstop chaos, and I hadn't had the chance to process most of i
t. There was never a time that I was looking forward to heading back to my tiny little place more than right now. Hell, I was welcoming it.
Life was going to keep moving forward. Though at times painful, it was actually nice to see the guys. Even though the circumstances and end result were not what I was hoping for at all, it was time to close that chapter. Derek was moving on. The papers were signed and filed. It was time to put the past behind once and for all. I was grateful to have reconnected with Kevin and our at first awkward relationship had quickly moved into an easy friendship.
Once we entered the airport, Sky was wheeling his suitcase walking right next to Kevin. They were talking and laughing at what each other were saying, and it was like another unwanted blow about him missing out on having a father. Maybe it was time that I started opening up my heart again. The last ten years, I put every ounce of energy into raising Skylar. Boyfriend seemed like a foreign word. It was time for me to start leaving the shadows and maybe meet my Prince Charming.
Keeping pace behind them, we caught the shuttle bus to the rental car place. Kevin went in to talk to the man at the front desk who handed him keys and a manila envelope. He motioned for me and Sky to follow him. He clicked the key fab to a white Ford Explorer and loaded the bags into the trunk.
Kevin climbed in the driver's seat and started in the opposite direction of where we lived. He was especially quiet, but I could tell he was thinking. His brow always furrowed when he was deep in thought. I turned and saw Skylar with his face back in his PSP, oblivious to anything going on around him. Leaning back, I closed my eyes.
Kevin nudged me awake. “Hey sleepy head, we’re here.”
Turning to look at him, he smiled and rubbed my thigh. “M’kay.” It was all I could manage. At this point, I was going to need a day or three, in bed to catch up. We were in front of a house in one of the nicer neighborhoods outside of Phoenix near where Kevin’s parents lived. It was an off-white two-story stucco house with gray shutters.
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