by Callie Rae
The panic starts when he takes the first step towards me with the dye in one hand and the other hand clenched in a fist. I have nowhere to go. I’m in a shower stall. There are no exits. Fighting him hasn’t proved successful yet.
“Marcus, I’m sorry. Please, let’s talk about it. I didn’t mean it,” I beg. I can’t breathe, not while he’s walking toward me with that maniacal gleam in his eye.
“Marcus, stop. Please,” I beg again as he moves within an arm’s distance from me. He moves so quickly I can’t react. He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and shoves me to the shower floor. The water is still on and running cold. The grimy shower doesn’t drain properly, and there’s about an inch of water pooled at the bottom. Marcus has my face submerged. I squirm and push with my hands to try to sit up or at least get my mouth or nose out of the water, but I can’t overpower him. Every now and then I get a good enough push to take a deep breath before he slams my cheek back into the shower floor. I try to slowly breathe out of the part of my mouth that isn’t submerged.
“I . . . can’t . . .” Between gasps, I try to tell him I can’t breathe, but my face is back in the water before I can finish saying the words. I can see the dye swirling around and taste it on my tongue every time I try to inhale. I start panicking when it seems like he won’t let me up for the air I desperately need. I can feel myself start to hyperventilate, and I’m scared.
Somehow, I muster enough strength to push back and yell, “Marcus!” This time it works. He releases his hold and backs up, allowing me to raise up enough to take a huge breath in. I lift up on all fours and continue to pant hard as I try to catch my breath. My eyes remain glued on him as he backs away from me. He drops the half-empty bottle into the sink and takes a few steps back as I remain frozen on the shower floor, just breathing. He doesn’t stop backing away until he’s almost out of the room. He pauses briefly to say, “Finish dying your hair. Don’t come out until it is done.”
He slams the door, leaving me alone on the shower floor praying for someone or something to save me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I shift so I’m sitting under the cold spray and look down at my hands, staring at the cold metal cuff still hanging off one wrist. I lift the other hand to slide it through my hair, and as I pull it back down, it trembles. My breathing becomes ragged again as I try to process everything that has happened. The panic rises until it consumes me. I sit in that shower for at least an hour, shaking as rivers of hot tears run down my face and mix with the cold water streaming over my half-naked body. I stay there until my tears have stopped. Until my shallow breaths are normal again and my heartrate is steady. Or maybe I’m too numb by the cold water to care anymore. Either way, I’ve found my way back to that point. It just took a little longer this time.
I get up and go to the mirror to assess the damage he’s done. He only seemed to get the dye on the back of my head, but it’s noticeable enough that I’ll have to cover the rest of my head for it to look normal. Using a still-shaky hand, I pick up the dye, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. When I open my eyes again, I stare at my reflection in the mirror and bring the dye to my hair. Layer by layer, I cover it in the same shade of dark plum from that night so long ago. It takes both boxes to cover all of my hair, and once it’s saturated with the dye, I find myself back in the corner of the shower stall. I bring my knees against my chest and wait for the color to set. I don’t have a watch or clock, so I wait until I feel like it’s been long enough. I strip out of all of my clothes and turn on the water, slowly stepping under the shower stream, grateful the water is warm this time. As the purple dye washes down the drain, it swirls like it’s dancing. It could beautiful if it wasn’t another reminder of what this asshole has taken from me.
I suppose I should take comfort in my first shower since Marcus kidnapped me, but it doesn’t comfort me; I don’t think anything could. I wash my hair with a bar of funny-smelling soap I found sitting on the ledge of the shower to make sure I get all the dye out. I open the shower door and almost step on another plastic bag. I pull a towel off the rack on the wall. It’s stained, and it grosses me out to use it to dry myself, but I don’t really have any other options here. Then I reach into the bag and find a sundress and a pair of clean underwear. Under both pieces of clothing are a pair of sandals. I don’t bother to check if they’re the right size. Somehow, I know they will be.
I’m thankful for the clean underwear even if it’s under these circumstances. It’s one small mercy in this disaster, although I could do without the dress. Once I’m dressed and I’ve toweled dried my hair as much as possible, I put on my bravest face and step out of the bathroom.
I walk around the corner to the bedroom where Marcus is sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks up at me as I walk in. “It’s about time.”
He has a brush next to him. I stop in the entrance to the room, wary of walking any closer to him. He’s obviously lost his mind. I knew he was crazy before, but I didn’t know the full extent until now.
“Come. Sit. I’ll brush your hair. For old times’ sake,” he says. After the shower incident I’m not sure I can handle any more, so I do as he asks. I sit on the bed and turn so my back is facing him. He picks up the brush and begins brushing out the tangles. Each stroke of the brush sends a new rush of eerie chills over my skin, but I hold still. I don’t want to make him angry again.
“I like it. Do you like it? I think it suits you,” he asks as he brushes away.
“S—sure,” I respond.
“Good.” He puts the brush down next to me. He then yanks me by the back of the hair so I’m pulled back against his chest. He grips my throat as he turns my head and brings his lips to mine and whispers menacingly, “Don’t fuck with me, Fallon. I have access to everyone you love. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to your precious mother while she is laying in that hospital bed all alone, would you?”
He shoves me away and stands up. “I have business to handle today.”
He pulls on the cuff still dangling from my wrist and drags me with it. He latches it onto the headboard, and then leaves me there, with a new hair color and the fear I’ll never escape from here. Or from him.
I roll over and immediately regret it. My entire body feels bruised and beaten. My head is pounding, and I feel the contents of my stomach roil. I open my eyes slowly, hoping the walls will stop swaying as my eyes adjust to the intense light beating down on me. It takes a second to let the room come into focus, and when it finally does, I sit up on the side of the bed and attempt to figure out just how bad the damage is. I touch my mouth gently and hiss the moment my finger lands on it. That fucker split my lip last night. When I yank my hand away, I see fresh blood sitting on my fingertips. I wipe it away and grab my hoodie, pulling it over my bare torso. I take out the bottle of aspirin I keep in the drawer of my bedside table and grab the water I assume Jade left on top of it last night. I feel something under my feet, and I look down to see my shirt at the end of a trail of clothes from my bedroom door to the bed. At least I took off my clothes before I passed out in the bed. Fallon would kill me if I got in our bed full of dirt and rocks. It’s bad enough I got in it bloody.
Fallon.
The ache in my chest appears so swiftly and so strongly I almost double over. I can’t feel the bruises anymore. All I can feel is the missing part of me, the hole that has been growing inch by inch, day by day. It’s so fucking massive that I can’t even numb it anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t numb it—maybe that’s what I deserve. To let it take over. To be in agony.
I can’t take this anymore. I can’t do it. Fallon is better at feeling things. I don’t know how to feel this.
I have to focus. I have only one other option at this point. I’m desperate. I can’t find her on my own; that much is pretty fucking clear to me now. I stand up slowly, stretching my body so I can get the blood flowing into the muscles that I strained last night during the crash. I check the time on my ph
one. He’ll be in there—hell, he sleeps in there. I grab a pair of shorts out of my dresser, putting them on before padding my way downstairs. I walk slow and steady, making sure my footsteps are quiet as I pass my siblings’ rooms. They don’t need to see this. They would probably try to change my mind, and I just can’t let them do that. I promised I would do whatever it takes. Even this.
I can handle the pain as long as I know she’s safe. And it will be painful.
When I make the turn into the hall I can see the light streaming out from under the door. He’s in there, just like I knew he would be.
I reach the door but don’t go in immediately. I rest my forehead on the wood panel of the door breathing. It’s the only thing that I’m capable of doing right. One breath in, one breath out. I reach for the doorknob and turn it before I can change my mind.
God, I hope this works.
My father looks up from his mahogany desk and leans back in his chair, “Come on in son. Have a seat.”
I’ve been laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. It’s only been a few hours since I left my father’s office and I’m already dreading the consequences of my decision.
No turning back now. You do what you have to do for her. You save her.
The problem is I have no control over him and this means risking everything to save her. It means expecting his deceitful ways to come out. Somewhere in this, he’ll screw me—I know it in my bones. I’m just hoping it won’t be until after Fallon is safely back in my arms. I need at least a day with her before my world comes crumbling down because of that man.
“Man, you look like shit.” Cason’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I sit up to see him and Jade walking into my room. Jade flinches when she sees my face. I haven’t look at it, but judging by how sore it is, I’m guessing it isn’t pretty.
Why the hell didn’t I close my door and lock it? I don’t need to hear how stupid I was from them. I’m feeling it.
“What do y’all want?” I ask as I rub my face and lean my elbows on my knees.
“Little C is worried about you. She brought me in for reinforcement,” Cason plops down on my bed and leans back against the headboard. “She thinks she is going to convince you to go to the police.”
“Thanks for the commentary Cason,” Jade says. She turns to me as she leans on the wall. “But he’s right. I think you should go to the police and stop trying to handle this on your own. You pay them off, right? Aren’t they in our back pocket? They have to help us.”
“The police have failed her again and again. They did nothing when Marcus killed Luna. They didn’t protect her from Marcus when she had to run, and they didn’t protect her mom when their house burned to the fucking ground,” I snap at Jade.
Jade winces, and I immediately regret yelling. I sigh. “Sorry. I know you’re just trying to help, but I’m not calling the police. Besides, they aren’t all in our back pocket. I can’t risk having one of the few that play Vic’s games sniffing around to find out what we know or don’t know.”
“Jesse, look at you. You literally let Ty bash you in. When was the last time you had a hangover or lost control? This isn’t you. She wouldn’t want you fighting this alone. She wouldn’t.” At this point Jade is pleading with me. And I hear her—but in a different way than she expects.
“Don’t tell me what she would want,” I yell as I stand up. I reach my dresser and grip the edges so hard that I’m sure I’ll have a permanent mark. I hang my head as I mutter, “Besides, I’m not handling this alone anymore.”
I knew telling them would be hard, but damn. This is worse than what I’d imagined. I turn to face them, propping my back on the dresser.
Jade stands taller, and Cason sits up straight. He looks nervous as he says, “Woah, what? What do you mean?”
I run my hands up my face into my hair and back down before answering. “I made a deal. With the devil.”
“Please tell me you didn’t go to that fucker.” Cason asks through a combination of anger and fear. “You can’t trust him! He is a manipulative son of a bitch.”
“Go to who? What are you talking about?” Jade asks, confused.
“He’s setting up a meeting with Victor. We’re going to make a trade.”
“A trade? What kind of trade? Who are we talking about?” Jade asks. She looks back and forth between me and Cason hoping for answers.
Even though I’m responding to Jade, I look straight at Cason when I say, “With our father.”
“And the trade?” Cason asks through gritted teeth. He knows the answer already but needs me to confirm it.
“The Depot,” I say. I’m so tense I can feel the muscles in my clenched jaw starting to spasm. I know how they will feel about this. But it’s not their decision. It’s mine—and it’s been made.
“No!” Both Jade and Cason say in unison.
“You can’t hand the Depot over,” Jade says, sounding on the verge of tears.
“No fucking way, dude. You can’t hand the Depot over. You know what that property is worth! They’ll shut it down and tear it up.”
“It’s done. The meeting’s been called for tonight.” I look away because the disappointment in their faces is too much for me in this moment.
“So what does Dad get?” Jade quietly asks. I consider her question.
I meet her eyes. “What are you asking?”
“Dad wouldn’t do this for free. I love him, but we both know what kind of man he is. What does he get out of this?”
I look away again before letting out a long sigh. I can’t help but think Cason and I haven’t done as good a job keeping her in the dark as we’d thought we had. “Me,” I say, then look back at her. “He gets me.”
“What does that mean? You?” Cason asks.
“It means that Jesse is going to take his rightful place on the throne as prince.” She turns to me with what looks like pity in her eyes. “He’ll own you, you know. She’ll hate it,” Jade says. “She’ll hate every minute of it.”
“But she’ll be safe,” I say as I swallow the lump down hard. “Right now, that’s all I care about.”
“And if you don’t follow through?” she asks, “What happens then?”
“I’ll follow through,” I say. I don’t want to think about what our father will do if I renege on my part of our deal. I know what he’s capable of.
“He’s not going to let you be with her,” she says. “What about school? You have a full scholarship to State. You and Fallon were getting out. What about all of that? Your future together?”
“This isn’t a solution, Jesse. It’s literally a fucking sacrifice. There has to be another way besides giving up everything,” Cason says. He’s pissed at me. I can hear it in his tone.
I push off the dresser quickly and clench my fist until I feel my nails dig into the palms of my hands. “Do you have any other ideas? Because this is the only way I can assure that she will be safe. This is the only way I know I’ll be able to get her home and out of that fucking psycho’s hands.”
“To what home? One without you? She won’t accept that!” Jade yells furiously. “Haven’t you figured out that you are her home, you moron? You’re bringing her home for what? A new kind of hell to deal with. Hasn’t she been through enough?”
“She will have to accept it. She won’t have a choice,” I roar back. In this moment, it feels like the exhaustion of the last few months has finally caught up with me. I drag a rough palm down my face. “I’m sorry, Jade,” I say softly. “I’ve made my decision.”
Cason stands up. He stalks to the door, but just before he crosses the threshold, he turns back to me. I can see the anger, confusion in his eyes when he grits out, “I thought you said she was family. What kind of life are you giving her without her family?”
He walks out. I look at Jade as she shakes her head and glares at me before turning to follow him, leaving me alone in my room to face the silence. But the silence in the room isn’t
enough to offset the voice in my head telling me everything they’ve just said is completely true.
I knew what I was giving up. I knew the moment he agreed. But she will be safe.
Here I am, back in this fucking building with more bad news. At least there’s a silver lining this time.
The smell of hospital disinfectant, of death, of sickness, is overwhelming. But I guess it sets the tone for this place.
The elevator doors open to the long hallway leading to the burn unit. I round the nurses’ station and give them a wave. I recognize some of the nurses working today. They’ve been here a few of the times I’ve come with Fallon. It always helped her to know they love her mother.
I knock on her door before turning the knob. This time I don’t hesitate; I just want this over with. But to my surprise when I walk in, I find my sister sitting cozily in the brown chair next to Fallon’s mother.
“Hey Jesse. This is a nice surprise. Two out of three Callaways in my hospital room at the same time. It’s my lucky day,” she chuckles.
“Hey Darla. Jade, what’s up?” I ask.
Jade turns and looks at me. “Oh, you know. Just trying to save one idiot brother at a time,” she chirps with an attitude. Jade stands up and leans over to kiss Darla on the cheek.
“Good luck. You’re gonna need it with this one,” she murmurs as she jerks her thumb in my direction. She stops in the doorway on her way out to look at me. “Just try to listen to her.”
And with that, Jade leaves us alone in awkward silence.