Fraying at the Edge

by Cindy Woodsmall

  By the time Mamm and son were finished talking, Ariana had been at Berta’s for almost thirty minutes. She hugged Berta one last time. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” She hurried out the door. Nicholas was in the car, doing something on his phone. Maybe he was doing some research, gearing up for a last-ditch effort to convince her not to join the Amish faith.

  As she got in the car, he slid the phone into his pocket. “You’re beaming, and it took longer than expected. Clearly all went really well. Is there anywhere else you’d like to stop?”

  “No, but thank you. It’s time to go home. By the way the crow flies or this girl walks, my house is just over that ridge. But with luggage in tow, I better ride there.”

  Nicholas pulled onto the main road, and she gave him directions.

  “Ari, shouldn’t there be empirical evidence for such bold faith in God?”

  “So you’ve returned to that line of defense, huh? No more tiptoeing around, saying, ‘Let’s just say that God does exist, then what about…’ ” She folded her arms. “I give you points for being tenacious.” She directed him to take the next right. “I’ve considered all you’ve had to say about God’s Word and disproving God’s existence, and in exchange for that, you’ve gone to church numerous times. If we had an eternity together and you kept quoting every external source available to mankind, I would still have my faith. I know He exists because of what’s in my heart that He placed there. You love Skylar, but is there empirical evidence for that?”

  “Unfortunately, no.”

  “Then how does anyone know it’s true?”

  He drew a slow breath and nodded, conceding her point. “I know it because of what my heart holds for her.”

  “Exactly. And I know in my heart that God exists. I also know it because of His Word and because my heart, mind, and soul are better for His presence in them. That’s enough proof, and it’s more proof than I deserve.”

  Nicholas tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “I’m out of words.”

  She chuckled. “And it only took three months.” She pulled the cell from her pocket. “My guess is that you better keep this or it’ll be confiscated.”

  “Some Amish have cell phones.”

  “I know, but I’m not likely to be one of them, not while I go through the proving time after being in the Englisch world for three months.”

  “Do you agree with such a sacrifice?”

  She would have agreed before leaving. It would’ve been easy to categorize it under submission to God’s authority. Since seeing the universe through the Hubble’s eye, she no longer viewed God as a one-dimensional being who demanded obedience concerning modern-day conveniences, but she wouldn’t say that to her dad.

  He clasped his hand around hers, squeezing the phone into her palm. “Get permission to keep it at the café as a business phone, or hide it somewhere, maybe at Berta’s. Could you do that much? I’m asking that of you as your father. Doesn’t that count? I need to know you can reach me whenever you need to.”

  “There’s a community phone nearby.”

  “It’s not the same. The church can monitor the phone shanty. But if you have your own cell, we can talk whenever you want.”

  She couldn’t believe the word coming from her mouth. “Okay.” She put it back in her pocket.

  “Can you keep it charged?”

  “Yeah.” Most Amish barns had a solar panel or two with wires that could be connected to a battery and a converter, which could be used like an electric outlet. Her family didn’t have one, maybe because phones were frowned on or maybe because they were poor. Probably the old cooperage building at Berta’s would be the best and most secretive place to recharge her cell.

  Her home came into sight, but rather than excitement or relief, she felt apprehension, like astronauts reentering Earth’s atmosphere. “The next driveway to your right.”

  Nicholas squeezed the steering wheel, looking as uptight as she felt. “Would you at least send a text every week to let me know you’re okay?”

  “I’ll try. It might be closer to every two weeks.” A lot would depend on whether her visits to Berta’s were restricted.

  “Every two weeks, then.” The lines in his face deepened, and when he glanced at her, she saw raw concern in his eyes.

  “I’ll be fine. This is what I want.”

  “I know. But I’ve never dealt with these kinds of emotions. I wasn’t there for Skylar, not to release her hand on the first day of kindergarten or to witness her heartaches and triumphs. I have no practice in letting go.”

  She pointed at the driveway to her house, and he turned on his blinker.

  Was his anxiety crossing over into her emotions? Was that why she, too, felt it was hard to breathe? “I’m safe here. You know, a lot of parents would be at peace about this kind of decision.”

  He started to say something else, but instead he drew a deep breath and put the car in Park. “Home sweet home.” He pulled the trunk release lever and paused, waiting for her to say something.

  When she opened her door, he opened his. They got out and met at the trunk.

  He pulled out her one piece of luggage and set it on the ground. “If you need anything…”

  She hugged him. “All I have to do is call.” When she released him, she saw a bevy of siblings, nieces, nephews, and her Mamm and Daed gathered on the porch, just beyond the front door, giving Nicholas and her time to say good-bye.

  Susie’s eyes caught hers, and she screamed, “Ariana!” Susie ran for her.

  In a flash Ariana was engulfed in hugs from everyone.

  Abram held her the longest. “I have no idea what all this fuss is about.”

  She backed away. His eyes held confidence, and his stature was that of a self-assured man. Had he changed that much?

  He winked. “Glad you’re back, sis.”

  “Denki.” She barely got the word out before the rest of her siblings and nieces and nephews were pawing at her.

  When the scuffle was over, she saw Nicholas looking at the house. Ariana followed his line of sight. A beautiful young woman who favored Salome was standing at a second-story bedroom window, looking at her. Skylar. Then her eyes moved to Nicholas, and he waved. Skylar returned the wave and faded from the window.

  An eerie sensation pricked Ariana’s skin, as if she saw for the first time part of her new reality. She couldn’t move back into her home. This was where Skylar was supposed to have been raised, and Ariana would do Skylar a disservice to waltz back into the house and make her feel like an unwanted guest.

  No one budged, as if there was nothing to say beyond this greeting. And those few slow-motion seconds revealed an elephant-sized awkwardness between her and her family. Their stares seemed to ask if they still knew her, and the silent answer that rose from within terrified her—she no longer knew herself. Or maybe she had never known herself but had only known what she’d been taught.

  As she stood in the midst of her Amish family, she realized just how far removed she was from the girl she used to be, from the simple faith of believing the black and white of the Old Ways.

  “Why is everyone so quiet?” Abram made a face while shaking his head. “Kumm. We have a surprise for you.” He grabbed her wrist and tugged her toward the house. A man stepped onto the porch.

  Rudy!

  His smile melted her heart, and they hurried toward each other. His strong arms gently wrapped around her. This was the homecoming she’d been dreaming of since before she left Summer Grove.

  The noise from the celebration over Ariana’s return echoed off the kitchen walls and off Skylar’s nerves. She should have left a week ago. Why was she still here? She tuned out the questions Ariana asked about the café. And while Susie and Abram fielded the queries, Skylar focused on why she hadn’t left.

  Had she stayed out of fear? She’d never been on her own before. Did she want more time with her family? And they were hers, not Ariana’s. And there was something inexplicably powerful in spending time with
those who carried the same DNA.

  “Wow. You guys are even more amazing than I thought. And that’s saying a lot,” Ariana said.

  The excitement in Ariana’s voice pulled Skylar from her thoughts.

  “You don’t mind about the generator and the lineup of electrical appliances?” Martha asked.

  “Not a bit. I bought a café and left you here to run it, and run it you have.” Ariana pushed food around on her plate more than eating it. “I’m so impressed the café is doing that well.”

  “We were stuck in the mud, spinning our wheels, and then Skylar had some ideas, and we got traction,” Susie said.

  “Skylar,”—Ariana pinned her with a warm stare—“thank you.”

  “Who knew that Mom’s love of cafés would one day come in handy?”

  “She’ll love hearing that.”

  Lovina left the table and returned with a cake that said Welcome Home in buttercream frosting. She cut the cake and placed slices on plates, which were then passed down the table. The conversation about the café grew quiet, and Skylar realized that no one had asked Ariana anything other than how she was.

  “Skylar,”—Ariana broke the chain of passing the cake to the next person and handed the plate to Skylar instead—“I’m really glad you’re here.”

  Skylar took the plate. No wonder everyone spoke so highly of Ariana. Not many people in her situation could say those words and sound totally sincere. “Thanks.” Skylar set the plate in front of her. “It’s been an interesting three months. I’m completely surprised you figured out a way to get back home so much quicker than Dad planned.”

  And now Skylar knew why she hadn’t left. She had been absolutely positive Nicholas would make Ariana stay the full year. But with Ariana here now, all the awkwardness Skylar had worked through since her arrival months ago was back again. But she couldn’t leave tonight. She wouldn’t do anything that would take away from the family’s joy over Ariana being home again. But soon, maybe tomorrow or the next day, she would pack her bags and say good-bye.

  Skylar took a bite of cake. “So what was your favorite part of living English?”

  Everyone sitting at the table froze. Tension appeared from nowhere. Much like adding hot water to instant coffee, things went from clear to murky. Was Ariana supposed to forget her experiences as she prepared to join the faith?

  Ariana angled her head, looking thoughtful, as if she was fully aware of things Skylar could only guess at. “Earning a visit to see Rudy.”

  The room erupted in words of agreement and applause. Ariana smiled at Rudy before returning her focus to Skylar. “What has been your favorite part of being here?”

  “I’m not sure.” But she was. It wouldn’t be right to say, “Your family, all of them. They are my littermates, and I can breathe when they’re around. Your mom’s wisdom stole my heart. Susie’s tough love is irresistible. Martha’s maternal nature overwhelms me. And Abram has actually started to feel like my twin.” The girl who’d arrived here three months ago would’ve said those things just to annoy Ariana, but Skylar wasn’t that same girl. “I like working at your café.”

  “Our café. It’s called Brennemans’ Perks for a reason.” Ariana smiled and took a bite of cake.

  “Well, that’s nice of you to say. But I should’ve been gone by now,” Skylar said.

  “That’s not true.” Mamm plunked another piece of cake onto a plate. “I know you’re not used to tight quarters, Skylar. But that room can easily fit more. It once held all five girls. It can certainly hold four again. We just need to get the bunk bed out of the attic. We should’ve done it already, but the frame needs a new mattress that we won’t be ready to buy until Isaac’s next paycheck.”

  “Actually,” Ariana said, “rather than you adding a bed…I’d like to stay at Berta’s.”

  Lovina immediately stopped. Was she even breathing? She finally blinked. “Ari, this is your home.”

  “Absolutely, and all I’ve dreamed about since leaving. But Summer Grove is also home.” Ariana wiped her mouth with the napkin. “And I’m talking about living just across the back field, give or take an angle or two. This house is small and brimming, and hers is large and practically empty. I can be here for supper every night if you want me to.”

  Isaac cleared his throat. “It’s best if you stay here until you marry.”

  Ariana blinked, staring at her dad. She lowered her fork until it rested on the plate. “Berta’s been faithful to the Old Ways her whole life, and there is no reason for anyone—not you or the church leaders—to feel I need to avoid her.”

  No one answered, but Skylar had the feeling there was a reason they wanted her to avoid Berta. Usually when Skylar felt an undercurrent in a situation, she would wait until Martha was asleep and then ask Susie to explain it. But she couldn’t do that if Ariana was going to be in the room.

  Ariana looked from one person to the next, concern in her eyes. “My time with Berta never bothered you before. Why now?”

  “While you were away, it became apparent to the church leaders that she’s had contact with her sons over the years.” Lovina took a sip of her water.

  Ariana’s eyes reminded Skylar of her mother’s eyes…or rather Brandi’s eyes. Right now those eyes reflected disbelief and maybe a challenge, as if Ariana wanted to say, “So?”

  Ariana rubbed her forehead. “Her faithfulness to God is being judged because she allowed a few visits from her sons?”

  “You have your answer about staying with her, Daughter,” Isaac said.

  Skylar had heard the phrase “you have your answer” a few times while staying here. It meant the conversation was over.

  “Ya, Daed,” Ariana said. “I got that part, but I’m waiting for a reason.”

  Isaac studied her, as if deciding whether he owed her more than his final say in the matter. “You’ve been draus in da Welt, and your movements, all of them, will be restricted for a while.”

  What was draus in da Welt?

  “I planned on that,” Ariana said. “I didn’t return home to be willful, but I’d like to understand. Berta is more like me than you might want to think. We both have ties to the outside world—people we’re related to and care about who live Englisch. Will I be suspect all my days too?”

  “No, of course not. She’s disobeyed the bishop.”

  Ariana’s eyes narrowed, seemingly not with disdain or contempt, but with thoughtful consideration. “What if the bishop’s opinion is clouded and he’s not sharing God’s will as much as his own?”

  Isaac’s palm smacked the table, making the utensils rattle. “God gave the bishop final say over all of us.”

  “Did He?” Ariana asked. “Because it seems to me that three names went into the lot, and with or without God, one of those three men was going to be chosen.”

  “Ariana!” Lovina gasped, her eyes wide.

  Ariana closed her eyes tight and covered her mouth. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled through her fingers. She looked up. “Daed, Mamm, forgive me. I had no right—”

  “You’ve been away. Things were different there.” Isaac rose, moved behind Ariana, and rested his hands on her shoulders. “But it sounds as if you need a refresher on what we believe and why.”

  Ariana looked uncomfortable with that idea, and Skylar could only imagine how much Nicholas had tried to sway her to discount her faith. “Maybe so.”

  Maybe? That struck Skylar as the wrong word to use. Did anyone else at the table feel that the word maybe coming from Ariana right then was very telling of how she really felt? She didn’t blame her. No one had come at Skylar with such strictness.

  Isaac kissed the top of Ariana’s head, pressing his lips against the rim of her prayer Kapp. “I’m so very grateful you’re home.” He cupped her chin, causing her to look up at him. “We’ll use some of our time each day talking about the tenets of our faith, okay?”

  Ariana gave a weak smile. “I’m just tired, Daed.”

  “Still, we will do as I said.” I
saac squeezed her face lovingly, winked, and returned to his seat.

  It struck Skylar as odd that Ariana hadn’t assured Isaac or the family that she needed to hear the tenets of her faith once again. Instead, she seemed reluctant.

  Rudy set his napkin beside his plate. “That was delicious. Thank you.” He took Ariana’s hand into his. “If you don’t mind, could we be excused? I think a long walk would do us both some good.”

  “Ya, go.” Isaac motioned toward the door.

  Rudy and Ariana grabbed their coats off the pegs and went outside.

  The room grew quiet, but the glances between her siblings gave clues as to how deep the undercurrent of discomfort was running. No one had been prepared for Ariana’s desire to stay with Berta, and no one had expected Ariana to question the bishop’s authority.

  Clearly Ariana’s time outside the Amish had left its mark. Skylar hadn’t seen this side of Isaac before, the attitude “you’ll take the Amish way or the highway.” It was enough to cause a question to nag at Skylar. Was Isaac as controlling as Nicholas when challenged? When she was ready to leave, would it be a struggle to free herself from her biological family?

  Struggling to breathe, Ariana stepped onto the porch. Rudy followed her, but as he was closing the door behind them, Mamm called to him.

  Rudy glanced at Ariana. “I’ll be right back.”

  She nodded, moved to a step, and sat. Why had she blurted out her negative thoughts about the bishop’s authority? What had come over her?

  Her cell phone vibrated, and she pulled it from the hidden pocket of her apron. It was a text from Quill with two simple words:

  She glanced behind her and then quickly responded:

  Giving Berta the photo album and using a cell phone so mother and son could talk had been inexplicably gratifying. She was just beginning to realize how much her belief system had changed since she had left here, and she couldn’t really wrap her head around it right now. It began when she realized she didn’t know God like she’d thought she did. She had once believed she’d known who He was and what He wanted, but that had been shattered when He removed her from her insular world and His will no longer seemed perfectly clear. Her view of Him changed again at the planetarium with Quill. But the most uncomfortable change was realizing how many times God’s Word had been translated from one language to another. And once it was in English, it’d been translated from Old English to Middle English to modern English. So believing in a completely literal translation only made sense if the preachers studied the original transcripts to determine the intent, and no Amish preachers had any training in such matters. And the Bible the Amish studied most of the time was the German Bible. Was it the one that had first been translated to English in the Middle Ages or the Gothic translation? She wasn’t sure what the difference was, but it seemed there needed to be more grace and less legalism about exactly how to live.