Rudy walked outside. “Are we sitting?”
She slid the phone into her pocket. “Apparently. Do you mind?” She felt as if her legs had been cut out from under her. Her energy was zapped, and her whole body felt as heavy as the conversation she’d just had with her Mamm and Daed.
“Not a bit.” He sat beside her.
She hadn’t meant to challenge her Daed. The words seemed completely justified at the moment, but after she’d spoken them and had seen the look on her parents’ faces, she knew there was no defense for speaking her thoughts. And what was wrong with her that all these thoughts about the Word were pummeling her now rather than while she was living Englisch?
“You’re home.” Rudy gestured at the homestead—the house, the land, and the barns.
“I am.” But the whole time she was pushing Nicholas to let her return, she’d expected her homecoming to be filled to overflowing with peace. Why was the opposite happening? Her head roared with voices that weren’t coming from the Old Ways. Was she now a heretic?
“What did Mamm want?”
“Nothing important.” Rudy entwined his arm with hers. “So what’s going on?”
“Not much.” Should she tell him about the number of thoughts bombarding her, conflicting ones from the Amish, Nicholas, Brandi, Quill, scientists, and even those taught from the pulpits of non-Amish churches? The list of opinions vying for the top spot in her heart seemed to include every possible group. Worse, she had no idea which one or ones she agreed with when it came to obeying the bishop. With every new voice that rose from within, she wavered, uncertain which was right.
“Not much?” Rudy leaned in and kissed her cheek. “That doesn’t sound accurate, does it?”
“I guess not.” How could a person spend three months struggling to get back here and then feel this overwhelmed with churning, adversarial thoughts?
He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. “I’m not here simply to welcome you home. I made sure I was here when you arrived because I knew returning would be an adjustment.”
His words worked their way through her, and she took a deep breath. But then she realized that even he knew her better than she knew herself. She had thought she would be thrilled, ready to begin her life of happily-ever-after.
“Ariana, talk to me.”
If she started talking, he would naturally give his opinion. It’s what people did in a heart-to-heart conversation. But she couldn’t stand knowing one more opinion right now. She was filled to the brim with what others thought, and everyone except her seemed to know themselves and their opinions quite well.
She curled her hand over his, holding it tight. “I can’t. I’ve been so busy trying to get home, to get back to you and our future that I haven’t processed all this new information.”
He frowned. “You can’t talk because…why?”
“I need some time to think, to decompress and integrate all I’ve learned with who I am.”
“That’s a lot of big words, and I’m not sure they explained much of anything.”
What could she say directly? Everyone had been waiting for her to return. Her siblings didn’t just keep the café afloat. They’d made it a success. Rudy had uprooted his life twice, and he was here to support her.
“Sorry about that. I guess what I’m saying is I’ve spent my life being told who I am and what I need to believe. Am I still that person?”
“Who else would you be?”
“Good question.”
Rudy moved away from her a bit, angling his body, presumably to have a better view of her face. “This is a scary conversation, Ariana, and nothing like what I thought we’d be talking about tonight.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right.” Is this what her life would become—one long series of apologies as she tried to repress any thought that slightly challenged the Amish faith? She took Rudy’s face into her hands and kissed him. “Ignore me on all points but this one: I love you.”
“That’s what I needed to hear.” He hugged her, and they settled back onto the steps, staring across the pastures and at the horizon. The sun was setting, causing the sky to glow with orange and lavender clouds. If she hadn’t known what time of day it was, she might have thought it was dawn. Life could look like a lot of things it wasn’t. A person had to know a few grounding pieces of information, a few absolutes that could be relied upon. She knew who had created this world and who died for it, but did she believe in the Old Ways?
As she sat and held Rudy’s hand while they stared out at God’s green earth, she knew what she needed just as sure as she knew her Creator. She needed time away from everyone, every person she’d ever known, so she could sort through the noise and find peace between God and her and discover who she really was. But doing that would take courage. Did she have it in her to tell her loved ones she needed time away from all of them as well as her Englisch family?
She studied Rudy. It would be the hardest to tell him. Did she possess that kind of strength?
Moreover, if she did, would he wait for her?
Glossary
ach—oh
Bischt allrecht, Liewer?—Are you all right, dear?
Bobbeli—baby
Dabber schpring—Run quick
Daed—father or dad; pronounced “dat”
denki—thank you
draus in da Welt—out in the world
Englisch—non-Plain person, a term used by the Amish and Plain Mennonites
Gott—God
Grossdaadi—grandfather
gross dank—many thanks
Grossmammi—grandmother
gut—good
hallo—hello
Ich bin gut.—I am good.
Iss sell du?—Is it you?
Kapp—prayer cap or covering
kumm—come
Mamm—mom or mother
Mammi—grandmother
mei Lieb—my love
nee—no
Ordnung—order; set of rules
rumschpringe—running around
ya—yes
Main Characters
Ariana Brenneman—A dedicated but inexperienced twenty-year-old who was raised Amish. The truth surrounding her birth and the threat of a lawsuit against the midwife who delivered her have recently ripped Ariana from her beloved Amish roots.
Abram Brenneman—A loyal and supportive brother to Ariana who, until recently, thought she was his twin.
Isaac and Lovina Brenneman—A poor Amish couple that are dairy farmers. They have ten children, some grown and some minors. They raised Ariana, believing she was theirs.
Salome Brenneman Glick—The eldest Brenneman daughter, who is indecisive but loyal. She’s married to Emanuel, and they have five children, including Henry, James, Esther, and Katie Ann. They live in the same home as Isaac and Lovina.
Susie Brenneman—The eighteen-year-old daughter, who is sassy and determined.
Martha Brenneman—The fifteen-year-old daughter, who is sweet and maternal in nature.
Abner, Ivan, Mark, and John Brenneman—Along with Abram, the sons of Isaac and Lovina.
Brandi Nash—The Englisch mom who twenty years ago gave birth to Ariana in a birthing center a few minutes before Lovina Brenneman gave birth to twins, a girl and then a boy. She is now a sincere, trendy, and fit mom who has raised Skylar as well as a stepdaughter, Cameron.
Skylar Nash—The talented but hurting addict who was raised by Brandi Nash in a non-Amish home. She is the biological child of Lovina and Isaac, and the Brenneman children are her biological siblings.
Gabe Crespo—Brandi’s husband and Cameron’s father.
Cameron Crespo—Gabe’s fifteen-year-old daughter, who befriends Ariana.
Nicholas Jenkins—Ariana’s biological father, who helped raise Skylar Nash.
Lynn Jenkins—Nicholas’s wife.
Quill Schlabach—A twenty-five-year-old man who grew up in Summer Grove with Ariana and was a close friend. But he has left the Amish.
Berta
Schlabach—Mother to Quill and his four brothers—Dan, Erastus, Leon, and Elam—who have also left the Amish. She is also a matronly friend of Ariana’s.
Cilla Yoder—A young Amish woman who has cystic fibrosis. She helps out at Brennemans’ Perks and cares for Abram. Her Mamm is Emma, and her sister is Barbie.
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