by Eve R. Hart
While I knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as I hoped it might be, fitting her into my life as a dad would have been hard on everyone. I couldn’t just expect my son to love her like I did, though I had known him since he was born and I knew how he saw people. I had no doubts that he would see all the beauty in her that I did and he would cling onto that with his heart.
But it didn’t fucking matter now. She left without even taking a chance. I should have been mad but all I could feel was the hurt. Not only for me, but for my son. Like with his mother, he didn’t even have a chance to get to know her.
As much as I wanted to compare Dya to the boy’s mother, they were nowhere in the same category. His mother walked away because she couldn’t handle being tied down, couldn’t handle giving her life up for another’s. She, simply, couldn’t be a mother. Dya, however, walked away because in her head she believed it was the best thing for him—for us. She knew I’d just gotten him back. She’d seen me and how broken I was when I thought he was gone. She understood how much he meant to me and she left believing that life would go on as intended.
Only I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to a life without her. Just like now that I knew my son was alive, I couldn’t go back to the darkness that I’d lived in when I thought he was dead.
All of that meant nothing, seeing as she wasn’t coming back and I had no way to track her down. I would just have to accept the fact that she had blown into my life as fast as the wind had taken her out of it. It didn’t stop the ache in my chest from spreading more and more the longer the clock ticked on.
I showered, hating to wash her scent off of me but knowing that I really fucking needed one. I dressed, irritated that all I had to put on was the clothes I’d been wearing before. Then I set on my way back to Gray Fort. I had shit to get done. Life had to go on.
“Glad you could make it back, brother,” Brass said, clapping my arm in a greeting.
I respected the man. He not only ran this chapter well, but he also had raised a child while doing so. And after his old lady died of breast cancer when Gwen was little, he’d taken it all on by himself. You could tell by the way she looked up to him that he was a good dad. Now she was all grown up and off at college. I couldn’t believe how fast time had gone by.
“Everything alright?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and raising a brow at me.
“Yeah,” I supplied not wanting to tell anyone that my son was in fact still alive, but at the same time, busting at the seams to do just that. “It’s all good.”
“Good,” he grunted knowing that was the end of that. “Nightmare Riders should be here in about an hour. The prez says he’s bringin’ three of his men with him so won’t get too crowded in there. I don’t want to give away anything ‘til I feel comfortable enough that it ain’t a setup.”
I nodded in agreement. Just because we may have been chomping at the bit to get this shit over with, didn’t mean that we shouldn’t be cautious. Desperate men always ended up dead men.
“I’m gonna grab something to eat. Let me know when it’s time,” I said and walked off after he gave me a nod and a clap on the back.
I wasn’t worried about meeting with the other club. The Nightmare Riders MC was based out of the city twenty minutes away. We’d worked a few times with them in the past and every now and then, we’d all get together and throw a big barbecue. We didn’t have anything against other MCs unless they were doing some super shady shit. The Nightmare Riders were much like us, running guns, only they extended up north while letting us take out shit more south. Both clubs were happy to keep things the way they were and nobody tried to step on the other’s toes.
Four hours later, they were on their bikes headed home. After the tense meeting, no one felt up to partying. We learned that they were feeling heat from Savage as well. While Savage didn’t know who their supplier was, he’d been threatening the club. Savage wanted to be their new supplier. Their club was a lot smaller than ours and only had one chapter. They often worked with other clubs to deliver their merchandise. As far as I knew, they’d never had any problems before this.
The meeting didn’t really lead us anywhere. With them having nothing to add to the Savage file, we were left to formulate some sort of plan that I could take back to Cal. At this point, anything was welcomed. I knew I’d been away for a while but it seemed like the club hadn’t nailed down any ideas as far as how to handle the situation.
In the end, the best idea we could all come up with was just to hunt down his place and go in guns blazing. Didn’t sound like the worst idea to me but maybe not the brightest. I wasn’t looking to lose any more brothers and I knew Cal felt the same. That was why he’d hovered back and taken Savage’s shit for so long but that wasn’t working anymore. Truth was, it hadn’t been working for a long fucking time.
I walked away from the meeting knowing the Nightmare Riders would be there when we called, armed and ready to fight by our side.
I drove back home in a daze, torn between hating the world and being thankful that things had turned out the way they had. Strange as it was, my heart only felt half whole, even after finding out my son was alive. I’d realized that over the weeks that I had more in me to give than I’d ever thought before. I saw for the first time what my mother had been trying to get me to see all these years, that I had enough in me to share and that didn’t mean I had to split my love. It didn’t mean that I loved Logan any less or had to push room aside to fit someone else in. Too bad finding that out didn’t matter now.
The clubhouse was the first place I stopped. I knew I needed to see my mom but I had to sit down with Cal before that could happen. As I stepped out of my truck I was surprised to see my bike sitting out front of the clubhouse. It looked a lot less banged up that I had pictured it.
Axe came walking from around the corner, cigarette held to his lips and the end burning bright as he took a hard inhale. With a chin lift and a twitch of a smile, he greeted me.
“Those things will kill you,” I said, just like the other times I’d told him that.
“Eh, something will in the end, right?”
I let out a laugh and shook my head.
“Diesel fixed it up for you,” he said seeing me eying my beauty. “She wasn’t as bad as we thought she was. Just a few bad scratches. Bitch held up well.”
Damn Diesel. I thought back to all the shit I’d said to him. I knew he’d never hold it against me but it didn’t make me feel any better, especially when he went and did shit like this.
“Where’s killer?” Axe asked snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Gone.” I choked as the word tumbled out of my mouth. What else could I say?
“Sorry, brother,” he said giving me a reassuring clap on the back that did nothing to alleviate the pain in my chest. “You really liked her?”
“Doesn’t matter now.” My head tilted up to look at the cloudless sky. “I gotta get in there and get this talk with Cal over. Don’t want the man to have a heart attack because I made him wait too long.” I huffed out a laugh trying to cover the sadness that clouded my soul.
“Yeah, I just stopped by to fill him in on some shit and grab some clothes. I’m sure we’ll get to all that in church later.”
I could tell there was something bigger going on but I knew I’d have to wait to find out. It seemed like there was too much going on and I wondered how it would all play out.
It took way too long to make it through the bar to Cal’s office, where I knew I’d find him waiting. It seemed everyone wanted to stop me and give me there somber greeting. Though they tried their best to hide it, I could see the pity in their eyes. Only thing was there wasn’t really a need for it. But I had to keep the fact that Logan was alive to myself for now.
I spent a good hour talking to Cal. Though there wasn’t much to tell him about the meeting beyond the fact that the Nightmare Riders MC said they’d have our back when the time came.
I waited for the questions about Dya, a
nd they did come, but not with the intensity that I’d anticipated. He mostly wanted to know where the hell she was, and I told him that if I had the answer to that I probably wouldn’t be here. He seemed to understand and left it at that. I figured Loch had filled him in on the lack of information she had. After all, Loch had already questioned her and it was clear she didn’t know much more than we did.
And when he asked me if there was anything else I needed to tell him, I held back my swallow and told him no. I hated lying but I’d do anything to keep my son safe. I knew Cal would forgive me when the time came to reveal it all. He might be angry, but he would understand.
Then he let me go, telling me that he’d go over everything later in church.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Nadya
I would be telling the biggest lie ever in my existence if I said I didn’t miss Noah. I missed his unruly beard and his hair. I missed his stories and his smile. I missed hearing him call me Angel. And yes, I even missed the way he would make love to me. How he took his time with me and lavished every part of my body before finally taking me.
It didn’t help that I’d walked away from him to only insert myself more into his life. Because, let me tell you, the more the days went on and the longer I stayed in that cabin, the more that little child burrowed his way into my heart. It felt so wrong, me being there with Noah having no idea at all. I felt like I was trespassing on his private life right under his nose.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that was all I’d ever done to Noah. At first with the cameras, witnessing all his breakdowns and days he had spent in a drunken mess. Then again when I took him in, cooked for him, and asked him to tell me things. Okay, it was more like I told him to, but still, I was there listening to whatever he needed to get off his chest. I was there when he needed a distraction. And all the while, I was keeping things from him. Somehow I imagined that all that didn’t compare to now, this was by far, the worst invasion I’d done so far. I’d made friends, if you will, with his son.
Every day I woke and tried my damnedest to leave. I knew it would be best if I just walked away. But then Logan would wake and insist that I eat breakfast with him. Breakfast turned into playing a game. Playing a game turned into reading him a book. Then lunch, and dinner, and before I knew it the day was over and he was asking me to tuck him in with one final story.
A week of this and I was worn down to nothing. I had no courage or backbone or whatever to walk away. So, to say that Logan had got to me would have been an understatement.
He had this way of looking at me like I was in the light. Like I had no demons and that I hadn’t spent half my life hiding in the shadows taking things that weren’t mine. He seemed to cling to me and the weird thing was, that when I would start to feel unsure about being there he would put his little hand on my knee or my shoulder and simply smile up at me. I hadn’t the first clue what to even do with that but I couldn’t deny that it softened my hard heart.
“I like you, Dya,” he said as I closed the book and set it next to his bed.
I told him that was the name his dad called me and he’d been using it ever since. Even though the other two in the cabin called me Nadya, he kept to the shortened version. Another crack in my not-so-hard heart.
The odd thing was that my full name meant Phoenix. One that would rise up. Something I’d always tried to live by, to be as strong as my name. However, dya meant something completely different to my people. And the thing was, I may not have birthed the boy, but I wouldn’t deny the thought of what it would be like to be his dya. To love him and take care of him and watch him grow. To be there for all the little things he needed as well as the big just like a mother should.
At night my mind went to weird places. Places it had no right to go to. But when the vision of what it would be like to be with Noah and Logan, I found myself wanting to cry.
“I like you too, little guy,” I said back with an actual smile on my face. His little arms looped around my waist and he gave me a tight squeeze. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged him back.
I slipped out of his bed and tucked him in, all the while choking back the emotions that hit me like a shotgun blast to my soul.
After I left the room, closing the door softly behind me, I made my way down the hall and into the kitchen. I needed space to breathe and whatever. Blinking my eyes rapidly, I tried to get the wetness to dry. This wasn’t me, I wasn’t one to ever turn into an emotional wreck.
“Hey,” Darcy said coming up behind me and resting her hand on my shoulder in a comforting way. I took in a slow, controlled breath but didn’t shake off her touch. “Are you alright?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing here. I have no idea why I came here or what I thought I’d get out of this.” The words were all over the place but so true.
“My brother’s in love with you, I could see it clear as day,” she said and I shook my head not wanting to talk about it.
She crossed her arms over her chest as she leaned her hip against the edge of the counter and studied me. I hated it. All those times I’d had people under my microscope I never imagined how it would feel, and now that it was happening to me, I realized it sucked. My skin crawled and the way she was looking at me made me feel like she could see into my soul and read my darkest secrets. At least my targets were unaware that I was studying them so intently.
“Look, I know like nothing about you, but I’m gonna put my two cents in because I love the shit outta my brother and I think he deserves more in life.”
I swallowed hard, readying myself for the blow that she was about to hit me with. I had no doubt it was all the things that had already been swarming around in my head. All the reasons why it was best for me to walk away from Noah. All the reasons that I shouldn’t be there right now and how I had no right to insert myself into Logan’s life like I had.
“You love him. Something I get the feeling that you are not used to. I can understand that. You left Tank, thinking it was the best thing for him. Let me guess, it was the fact that Logan is still alive right?” I knew I couldn’t open my mouth to speak so I simply nodded. “So as much as my brother wants you in his life, you don’t think you fit into it or deserve to be, right?”
“He has a son. He loves his son. You…you should have seen him up there. I have never seen someone so broken. All I wanted to do was help him find his way again. Turns out, he didn’t even need me to because his way was never even lost, he was just…temporarily blinded by the sun in his eyes.” I blew out a harsh breath. I hated this talking shit but I thought it might be good to just get it all out there.
“Why do you think that means that there isn’t a place for you?”
“I have no—no mothering skills or whatever. I don’t know what to do with kids. As you can tell I’m a little emotionally stunted. I haven’t the first clue how to give a kid the kind of love it would need, to show them the kind of care they deserve.” I felt my face getting hot.
All of these things I knew but up until then, it had never bothered me because I never envisioned kids in my future. For most of my life, I had been alright with that. But as I stood there with my eyes straining to focus on the counter in front of me, I felt a sinking in my chest. I hated that the time would come where I wouldn’t see that little boy every day. I hated that his life would go on and I wouldn’t know about any of it because I wouldn’t be a part of it.
“You’re better at it than you think you are,” she said, a slight bit of humor in her voice. I turned my gaze to her, my brows pinching together in question. “You talk to him like he’s a person and you listen to what he has to say. You spend time with him doing things that he wants to do. You read to him and take the time to explain things to him. That’s exactly what Logan needs, what every kid needs. And Logan likes you, it’s so obvious, I don’t know how you don’t see it.”
“I really like the kid too. He’s pretty cool,” I admitted with a bit of a smile on my lips.
&nb
sp; “I think you are what they both need. I just wish you’d let yourself go and believe it.” There was a pause as she let it all set in. “For the record, I like you, too.”
I let out a huffed laugh. Darcy was alright in my book and I was actually glad she did like me.
“So what are you gonna do now?” she asked.
That was when it hit me. I knew what I had to do. No doubt in my mind. But I was also torn because I wasn’t ready to leave just yet. Why did life have to be so complicated?
Standing tall, I looked her in the eyes.
“Find a way to end this so Logan can go home,” I said with a cold edge to my words. To my surprise, she gave me a smirk like this was the exact point she was trying to get me to. And I wondered if she knew more about me than she’d let on.
“Kill that motherfucker Savage,” she said, finishing my thoughts for me.
Well damn.
I guessed it was time to make a plan.
But I couldn’t just leave. I had to stay at least one more day. I wouldn’t up and leave without letting Logan know I was going. That was all for him, or so I kept telling myself.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Tank
It felt good to be on the back of my bike, the air cool enough to make me feel alive for the short ride through town. I did my best not to look at the place where my house once stood as I rode down the street to Diesel’s house, but my head turned on its own at the last second.
What the hell was I going to do now? I had no damn home. It wasn’t like I didn’t have places I could go. I had a room at the compound I could stay in. Then there was my mom’s, but what twenty-eight year old wanted to move back in with their mom, no matter how awesome she was. I could also crash with my sisters, or even stay at Darcy’s house, but all that felt weird, too. I realized that I was going to have to lie to them for a little while to keep Logan and Darcy safe. It would be even harder to stomach if I had to share a space with them all the time. So the compound it was.