The officer stepped up to the driver’s side door, and she rolled down her window.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
She nodded, exasperated, wanting to get her ticket and go on with her day. “Yes. Sorry.”
“You were going sixty-six miles per hour. This stretch here is a fifty zone.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” She didn’t need a lecture. Just the ticket.
“License and registration,” the officer requested.
She pulled out both and handed them to the police officer, who looked them over.
“Portland, huh?”
She nodded.
“That’s a ways from here. What brought you to Texas?”
“Work. What else?” she answered with a tired sigh.
She just wanted to go home, but the look on the officer’s face said her answer wasn’t the one she was supposed to give.
“What did you say?” His voice had a hard edge that caused a knot of fear in her stomach.
“I moved here for work,” she repeated, nervously this time.
“Did you say ‘what else’?”
Embarrassment flared as she realized what had sparked his anger. She bit her cheek, as if she could keep the words in, but they were already out, and the officer was clearly not happy with her response.
“How am I supposed to know why you’re here?”
“I’m sorry.” She hadn’t meant the words the way he took them. They had just slipped out, but she certainly hadn’t intended to be rude or dismissive. Rowan searched for an explanation to defuse the tension.
“It’s been a long night,” she offered weakly. “I was heading home from my girlfriend’s place, and I was so eager to get home that I lost track of how fast I was going.” She hoped she could get the conversation back on track, make it about her speeding, not a misconstrued comment.
The officer gave a curt nod and turned to go back to his cruiser to run her license and registration, but as he turned to leave Rowan distinctly heard the clipped, “girlfriend, of course.”
Her embarrassment shifted into anger, hot and bright inside of her. It didn’t matter what she said or didn’t say. From the minute he’d pulled her over he’d had his mind made up about her.
The officer returned a few minutes later. “I have two tickets here for you. One for speeding and one for unsafe driving. I need you to sign here that you’ve received them. This signature is not an admission of guilt. You may choose to contest the tickets in court if you’d like.”
Two fucking tickets? She’d been speeding. She deserved the speeding ticket. But unsafe driving? It was a total bullshit charge.
She had no choice but to sign, though, so she did.
“You have a nice day, ma’am,” the officer said, but his words were cold. “And in the future, just a tip, maybe don’t take an attitude with police officers.”
“Yes, sir.” She burned with rage as she rolled up her window, waiting for him to get back in his cruiser and drive away.
She’d lost her dream job. She was tired and embarrassed and her heart hurt. Then, to top it all off, she’d been pulled over by some homophobic Texas Ranger on a power trip.
“This state is the fucking worst,” she said aloud.
She wanted to go home.
❊ ❊ ❊
When she got to her apartment, Rowan slammed her door shut and threw her keys down on the floor. Kate’s comfort had been a temporary relief, but any comfort she’d found in Kate’s arms had been stolen from her with her encounter with Office Power-Hungry. Her anger at the police officer blended together with her hurt at getting fired into a slow-seething rage, which she directed at the one tangible thing she could find to hate: Texas.
She pulled out her phone and flopped down onto her couch, dialing her parents’ number. They were the people she really needed to talk to. They were the ones who had always kept her grounded, comforted her when she was sad, and calmed her when she was angry. She didn’t exactly want to tell them that she was a colossal failure, but they were her biggest supporters, and she needed their advice more than ever.
Tears threatened as she listened to the ringing on the other end of the line, and a few spilled over at the first sound of her mom’s voice, warm and full of love.
“Hi, Rowan.” She sounded so happy to hear from Rowan.
“I hate Texas.” She fought to keep her voice from breaking.
“What’s wrong?” Her mom’s voice was thick with compassion, making Rowan feel more alone than ever. She felt the distance so acutely it hurt. She wanted her mom sitting there, telling her in person that things would be okay. She wanted a big hug from her. She didn’t want to be all alone in the apartment.
She wanted to rage about Texas. She wanted to tell her mom that everything was wrong, from the way the people talked and the gross, heavy heat to the tight cinch of the Bible Belt and the guns everywhere. Instead, she took a few deep breaths to steady herself and began to explain what had happened as calmly as possible. “I lost my job. I went in last night, and Daniel Stanford told me that he’s found someone to replace me. I wasn’t good enough.”
Her voice cracked on the last sentence.
“Oh honey,” her mom said. “You’re plenty good enough. I’m so sorry that you lost the job. I know how much you wanted it and how hard you worked for it.”
She heard her mom filling her dad in before he picked up the other line.
“I don’t understand,” her dad said. “You’re an amazing chef. It must’ve been some kind of mistake. Politics I bet. He probably had a friend who wanted a job.”
Her dad had always been the one to go into battle for Rowan, willing to defend her no matter what.
“No, Dad.” She wanted to be able to agree with him and feel anger and injustice instead of the sharp sting of shame, but she knew the truth. “I had a hard time adjusting to the high-pressure kitchen. It was harder than I’d expected. And I didn’t try as hard as I should have.”
She hated to admit that. If she had given it everything she had and lost the job, she would have still been hurt, but possibly not as badly. The shame she felt, knowing she had landed her dream job and hadn’t worked her absolute hardest to keep it, made her feel like more of a failure than anything.
“This one didn’t work out for you,” her mom said, “but another one will. You’ll get there.”
“Most of the greats faced all sorts of rejection at some point in their careers,” her dad added.
That was her parents— ever the optimists. They made it all sound simple. Bounce back, try again. She didn’t want to bounce back. She wanted to crawl into her bed and stay there. She heard her parents’ platitudes, but in the moment they all felt empty. Maybe eventually the words would sink in, but at the moment, her disappointment was too huge.
“I don’t know what to do now,” Rowan said. “I moved to Texas for this. I hardly know anybody here. I have no friends or family. I have no backup plan. What do I do?” She didn’t mention that she did have Kate, and her words soured in her throat as though the omission was a betrayal. She didn’t want to dismiss how important Kate had become to her, but the pieces of her life were all scattered, and she couldn’t see how Kate and Portland and Texas and her career could come together.
“Breathe, first of all,” her mom said. “You’ve got two choices. You can either stay and look for a job there or come back and look for a job here.”
She made it sound so simple. All the while the decision swirled in Rowan’s mind, clouding all of her thoughts. Everything was too much in motion for her to think.
She felt tears sting in the back of her eyes. She cared for Kate. Maybe more than cared for Kate. But Texas wasn’t her home. Her family wasn’t in Texas. Her friends weren’t in Texas. She didn’t want to lose Kate, but her bruised heart hurt so badly, and without her job all she could think about was how badly she missed home— her safe place with her people.
“I want to come home,” she whispered, the
words opening a floodgate to the tears. Then she said a little louder, “I want to come home.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. It was not entirely happy relief. It came with its own set of hurt. But it was an answer, and a way to move forward.
A way to move home.
Chapter Seventeen
Kate knew what Rowan had decided before Rowan came to see her. She had tried reaching out to her on numerous occasions in the week after Rowan lost her job. She knew Rowan was hurting and had sent a few texts to check in. She’d called a couple of times as well. But Rowan kept her at arm’s length, responding in short texts and not returning the calls. The sudden distance between them told Kate everything she needed to know. She’d known they were over the minute Rowan had told her that she’d lost her job. Really, she’d known this moment was coming all along. Home is where the heart is, and Rowan’s heart was in Portland.
Still, when she saw Rowan’s car pull in the dusty drive, she felt the bloom of hope in her chest, that maybe Rowan had come to tell her she had chosen to stay. Kate had fallen in love with her. That much she was certain of. She wanted a future with Rowan.
When Rowan pulled in, Kate was out in the pasture sitting atop Stryder, herding the cows. She quickly rode to the edge of the pasture, where she dismounted and tied Stryder to the fence. Fear coiled around her, tight and constricting, but that flicker of hope kept her walking toward Rowan.
“Hi,” Kate said. There was so much more she wanted to say. So many words hanging in the space between them. Don’t leave. Choose me. I love you.
“Hi,” Rowan said back, the same single word also speaking volumes. When Rowan spoke the word, it sounded flat. She looked sad and scared, with her hands shoved into the front pockets of her torn jeans.
The flicker of hope Kate had been holding onto was extinguished, and disappointment rose like smoke in its place. She had thought they had something. Rowan had been willing to move to Texas for work. Why wasn’t Kate worth just as much?
“I’m sorry to show up like this,” Rowan said. “I hope you don’t mind. I wanted to talk to you in person.”
Suddenly she was six years old again, watching her mom leave and choose a life outside of Texas without her. She’d lived this moment already, but this time she had a lifetime of defenses to protect her. Her walls went up. She felt herself harden.
“You’re leaving.” She said the words for Rowan.
Rowan’s face fell. Kate hated the hurt that she saw etched on Rowan’s features, and she hated herself for wanting to take away that hurt while Rowan stood before her, ready to break her heart.
“I’m sorry,” Rowan said. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“You were never going to stay,” Kate said. There was a slight edge of bitterness in her words, but she wasn’t sure if it was directed at Rowan or herself. This moment— the heartbreak she felt— she’d known it was coming all along and yet she’d let herself fall in love with Rowan anyway. “I knew you’d leave eventually, and I still got involved with you. It was stupid of me.”
This only deepened the look of dejection on Rowan’s face. “No.”
The word sounded hollow. How could Rowan argue with Kate when she was the one ending things, just as Kate had predicted? They both knew the truth.
Kate swallowed the lump in her throat, but she refused to cry in front of Rowan.
Rowan stepped closer. “Kate, please. I didn’t plan for this. At least believe me when I say that.”
Kate held up a hand to stop her. She couldn’t hear anymore. She couldn’t watch the struggle play out on Rowan’s face. If it was over, she just wanted it to be over. She wanted the hurt and the embarrassment to end.
“I think you should go.”
Rowan let out an audible sigh and brushed away a tear, but she got back in her car.
Kate didn’t watch her drive away. She got back onto Stryder and headed out to the field. She had a ranch to run.
Chapter Eighteen
The flight to Portland was the longest of Rowan’s life. She had thought she would be excited about returning home. Instead she sat in her seat, staring numbly out the window, her heart heavy with the pain of leaving Kate. She had watched as the plane taxied down the runway and took off, leaving the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex behind, but instead of relief she felt only grief. She wanted to land in Portland and put Texas in the past. She wanted to hug her mom and dad and retire to the comfortable familiarity of her childhood home for the night. She had always been a bit of a homebody. Moving to Texas had been a bad plan from the start.
Finally, the familiar landmarks of Portland came into view as the plane made its descent. She took in the comforting presence of Mount Hood. She saw trees, so much greener than the dusty dry fields of Texas. She waited to feel like she was home.
She hadn’t checked any luggage so she was able to grab her carry-on bag and head directly to where her parents waited with open arms that she sank right into.
“Honey, I missed you so much.” Her mom kissed her head.
Her dad had his arms wrapped protectively around both of them.
Rowan held tight to her parents, reveling in the comforting embrace, never wanting to let them go. She had missed her parents too much for words. She choked up, holding onto them as if she were a child again.
She felt like a child— homesick, heartsick, and needing her parents.
“We’re so happy to have you back,” her dad said. “I know this was your dream job, and I’m really sorry it didn’t work out. But, selfishly, I’m glad you’re here.”
“So am I,” Rowan said. “I’ve missed you both so much.”
She followed her parents to their car. As soon as she stepped out of the airport, she relaxed into the cooler, much more temperate, weather.
“God, it feels good here,” she said. “In Texas I can’t even go outside to get the mail without breaking a sweat. This is perfect.”
“It probably feels like winter to you,” her mom said. “You’re going to have a hard time once it starts getting cold.”
The words were spoken innocently enough, but Rowan felt a pang of hurt at the idea that she was somehow, even if only slightly, an outsider in Portland. “Mom, I’m from Portland,” she said. “Always have been. Always will be. I don’t need to acclimate to the weather here.”
She got into the backseat of the car and looked out the window, wordlessly, while her dad drove. She took in the familiar city roads. She’d never thought of herself as having a particular connection to a place before. Home was just home. She’d never given it any thought. But now as they drove past the familiar downtown buildings and turned onto familiar neighborhood streets, Rowan realized the city was as important to her as all of the people in it.
A sense of stability settled into her core. She was home.
Just as quickly as that sense of stability settled within her, so too did the thought of Kate. She couldn’t stop picturing the look of heartbreak etched into Kate’s gentle features when Rowan had told her she was leaving. Kate had tried to hide the hurt, and eventually she’d slipped on a stony mask, but it had been apparent, and it had broken Rowan’s heart right along with Kate’s. And then Kate, who was always so warm, had become as cold as winter. Rowan had expected anger, but she hadn’t expected the chill. And she hadn’t been prepared for the shame she’d felt when Kate pointed out that her leaving had been a given from the start.
And yet, even as that shame and guilt coiled like barbed wire around her heart, she couldn’t regret her choice. She’d had to leave.
Hadn’t she?
When they pulled up in front of her parents’ house, Rowan felt a lump form in her throat. She wanted so badly to get inside and crash on the guest bed, have a good cry, and sleep off Texas.
In the morning she’d be living in Portland again. She could move forward.
When she pushed open the door, however, she was met with a surprise visitor.
Alycia threw herself at Rowan, wrapping her arms arou
nd Rowan’s waist and kissing her cheek.
“I’m so glad you’re back,” she said brightly. “Tell me about Texas. I want to know everything. How was your flight? Start with that.”
The cloud that had been hanging over Rowan instantly dissipated at the sight of her best friend, and she laughed at the onslaught of questions. Her heartbreak was momentarily forgotten, as was the distance that she’d felt with Alycia over the past couple months. She had her best friend back. Things could go back to the way they’d always been.
She didn’t answer any of Alycia’s questions, though. Instead she pulled Alycia back into a big hug, holding her close. “How did you know I was back?”
“Your mom called me,” Alycia said. “Speaking of which, I’m a little mad that you didn’t tell me. But that’s a conversation for another day. I was thinking we could grab some dinner and drinks and you can fill me in on what’s been going on.”
She was exhausted— physically, mentally, and emotionally. But Alycia was there, her person, and she’d missed her so damn badly. And Alycia was all excitement and happiness, two emotions she longed to feel. She nodded. “Sure thing.”
Rowan tossed down her bag in the bedroom and followed Alycia out the door.
Alycia drove them to one of their favorites, a local pub with a rooftop patio that often played live music. When they stepped inside, the room enveloped her in a sense of rightness with its familiarity. Everything from the punk music playing over the speakers to local brews on tap and the gig posters advertising local bands plastering the walls . . . it was all so much more her than anything in Texas had ever been. Coming back felt like stepping into a worn-in pair of jeans after spending a long day in a suit.
I wonder what Kate would think of this place? she thought as she followed Alycia upstairs to the patio. She tried in vain to push the thought out of her mind. There was no point in imagining Kate there. She’d never get the chance to show Kate her city. Still, she thought of sitting on the patio with Kate, sipping beer, and listening to music. She wished she could have that moment with Kate. She wished it so much it hurt.
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