When they saw him, they changed back and he explained that both he and Terros spoke to Oris. Sono said she went to the garden and became something he couldn’t find before and only Frog got her to come out. He didn’t know if she was hiding there again. Frog wasn’t at dinner and no one knew where he was to get him to call to her if she was there.
“I can’t feel her, so she’s not anywhere in this area. If we all go to the garden patch, she won’t come out.”
“I should go,” Leodos said. “How I reacted was part of what upset her. I knew it would upset her, but I couldn’t help it. I still don’t want to think about her sharing a bed with the three of you.”
Leodos disappeared and Esylle went into her chambers. Volaris was finally alone with Sono after Neptis left. He asked him why she was so quiet at dinner and was told about what had happened earlier today. Frog must have made it better because even though the sadness was still behind her eyes when she came to tell them they needed to leave, she came to them smiling. Sono was upset that after everything, she wouldn’t talk to him about this.
Volaris tried to make it better for him by telling him she would eventually be able to talk to him the way she talked to her friend, but right now, she knew Frog longer. Sono thought they should find Frog so that he could talk her down again, but neither of them knew where he disappeared to lately. He was never there when she sat and he wasn’t at the feast tonight. They had both seen him when she brought him out that she had finished his transformation that she must have been too young to do the first time. They thought he would be more comfortable around them now that he looked like the rest of them.
“This is a big place,” Volaris said. “We couldn’t know where he disappears to. You need to be rested for the morning. She says we need to leave here. She will be back in the morning and you can talk to her while you gather food, as you used to.”
“Her relationship with Belisarus is what is bothering her. It’s been bothering her this entire time and none of us saw it. She can’t hide it now that she’s gone home. She’s refusing to talk about it with anyone. I don’t know if she also refused to talk about it with Frog.”
Volaris placed his hand on his son’s shoulder and tried to make it better. It wouldn’t do if everyone who could feel her was upset on the journey back and they shouldn’t let the humans see any of them like that. Volaris hope this got resolved on the long walk back.
“I’ve seen the effect you have on her. You can calm her when she’s upset when she lets you. She’s told you things in private she didn’t tell anyone else because she trusts you. Don’t push her when you walk with her. You know why she can’t disappear out there. Let her talk to you when she is ready. Go to bed. You know she will be back in the morning.”
Esylle
Esylle was restless all night, even with Leodos holding her. He was trying to comfort her, but she could tell he worried too. As the hours grew later in the night and she had not come back, Esylle hoped she had found Frog and the dreams didn’t come again without them holding her while she slept. As soon as she managed to drift off, someone was knocking on their door.
Leodos got out of bed to see who it was, but he was moving slowly like he also did not get much sleep. It was Neptis, telling them it was time to leave and asking if she had come back. He looked disturbed when Leodos said she had not and Esylle was in a near panic when he told them everyone was on the beach ready to leave and she wasn’t there. No one could find Frog either. Esylle worried no matter how much she said she didn’t belong there, she had gone back to Idric with Frog.
Neptis led them into the hallway and they were making plans to have everyone change to use their gifts to find her. When they got further down the hall, they were surprised when a door flung open and Frog stumbled out with one of the Theran girls kissing his neck. He must have been wrapped up with her all night and Lisana had spent the night alone and upset.
Esylle stalked over to him and pulled him away, even though the Theran girl didn’t seem to want to let him go. She asked him if he was aware she got upset and disappeared again while he spent the entire night having sex with a Theran. He got flustered and said they had talked before she changed him and she seemed better when he let her go. Esylle tried to explain what happened at dinner.
He ran his hand over his long black hair. It was easier looking at him now that she had finished his transformation and he was not so strange looking. Esylle wasn’t sure if she did this on purpose, but he was quite easy on the eyes and the Theran girl he was with seemed taken with him.
“You know she doesn’t like it when people fight over her. If you could see she was still upset, why didn’t you take Oris away and tell him in private why he couldn’t? How do you know she didn’t want to do what he was asking? These three boys have accepted they need to share her. You and Leodos need to learn to share her with those three boys as well.”
“I’ll share her with them when she is wed. It’s not proper for her to be in bed with the three of them now. I don’t want to think about it after she weds either.”
“We all need to find her. I haven’t because I never wanted to, but I can change back into a frog to help look.”
As soon as he had walked away, the Theran girl was back glued to his side. They walked on the beach and everyone surrounded them asking where she was. While she was trying to explain they needed to change and look for her, someone cried out that they saw her. Esylle looked up and saw her coming from the direction of the water. She tried to push her anger away and knew if she said anything about how she shouldn’t have been underwater all night if she was in the form she chose without Neptis there to protect her, she might leave again.
Everyone could see her face when she approached and it was the cold, marble face they all disliked. Esylle forgot about being angry and walked over and tried to embrace her. She did something she hadn’t done since they arrived here and she let them hold her while she slept. Lisana pushed her away and told her not to. She called to everyone that they needed to start the journey back now and just kept walking like she expected them to follow.
Everyone stopped to stare at her back because no one knew what to do or say to her when she was like this. When it looked like she was going to keep walking and wasn’t going to look back to see if they would follow, everyone slowly started to walk. Esylle didn’t know what she needed now and if it would make it better or worse if she tried to walk with her.
She tried to find Frog and in addition to the Theran girl he spent the night with, there were now three other Theran girls, two Tark girls, and one of the Farkhi girls trying to talk to him at once. She knew he never had this before and he seemed bewildered with all the female attention. She didn’t know if she should let Frog be, after spending his life being so strange looking, now that girls from all the tribes wanted his attention. Frog might be the only one who could make it better for her.
She stayed behind her with Leodos, whispering to him that she didn’t know what to do. Leodos confessed he didn’t either. The three princes were walked next to them, but not close enough for her to hear. They all seemed deep in discussion and she knew it was about her daughter. She didn’t know how Lisana would react when they increased their steps and moved to walk next to her. She saw her stiffen, but did not push them away, when both Oris and Sono put their arms around her waist and Sono and Neptis put their arms around each other’s waists.
She moved closer so she could hear what was said, but they didn’t speak. They just walked, forming a human chain around her. She was close enough to feel her now and she was blocking them again. She couldn’t feel what she was feeling, but she eventually saw the tension in her body relax as they walked. She knew she could feel all three of those boys and whatever they were feeling made her relax. She thought they would try to get her to talk, but they stayed silent until it was time to stop for lunch.
Esylle saw her look around for Frog, since he normally went with her to gather food, but she didn’t go to him wh
en she saw him surrounded by girls. She saw a small, sad smile on her face as she disappeared into the woods with Sono and Neptis. She didn’t know why Oris went since he ate differently than she did.
She sat by the fire Leodos had made and Volaris, Terros, and Fluvis joined them while their tribes gather food. Leodos looked at the woods and said he didn’t know if he should go with her and try to talk to her about last night. Esylle told him if she wanted to talk about it, she would bring it up when she got back. She didn’t want to risk her running away again.
When Lisana finally got back, Sono and Oris were arguing over who would cook for her and Esylle worried she would leave again. She was surprised when the argument stopped when Oris admitted he had been secretly learning to cook Theran food she could eat while they were at Inanos and he just wanted her to try Theran food. Sono backed down and allowed him to cook. Lisana sat by the fire, pulled into herself and not speaking. Sono and Neptis both sat by her and put their arms around her, but again, they didn’t speak. She hadn’t spoken all day aside from telling them they needed to leave and Esylle didn’t know if she was still upset about going home, the argument last night, or if it was everything. Frog finally extracted himself from his entourage of girls and came and sat by her and she finally spoke again.
“Frog, you should go back to those girls. You’ve done nothing but listen to me for the last ten or eleven years. Now that you’re changed, you should learn to be your own man. Pick a new name if you’d like. I was young when I named you. I think any of those girls would be happy if you chose them as a wife. Maybe you’ll wed the same day I do,” she said, looking at him sadly.
“Just because you changed my face into one these girls like doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you. We can go into the woods and talk like we always do.”
“Frog, when I rule, there will be a place for you at the palace and I will probably need your council like always. For now, you need to stop thinking about me for a moment and pick what kind of life you want to live.”
“I can’t choose my life in the middle of the forest. I can’t decide what I want to do until we are back at the palace and I learn what I’m good at. You’re saying I should do it now because something is bothering you and you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Frog, I’m not ready to talk about it, not even with you. You should go back to those girls. They are watching us, jealous you are talking to me. You should get to know them. I think all of them want to be your wife.”
“They only want to talk to me because of this face you gave me. None of them even looked at me before.”
“I tried to teach you to be like the men in my stories, even though you didn’t look like one. You do now. Let them get to know who you are under this new face. I grew up with you, Frog, and you’d make any one of these girls a husband like in my stories.”
Frog left like he didn’t want to and Esylle was confused. Why was she sending away the one person she could talk to about what was bothering her? She said she wasn’t ready to talk to him either, but when would she be ready? When she was, would she talk to Frog, those three boys, or would she finally tell Esylle and Leodos what was in her head?
Oris finally finished cooking and brought it to her. He told her this entire trip and while they were at Inanos, he had been secretly learning to cook for her because he thought she should try Theran food and he wanted to share a few things they could eat together. She took the bowl and thanked him for learning, but then she crushed him by telling him that she was sure when they were back at the palace and had wed, neither of them would be allowed to cook their own meals.
He must have felt bad about last night because even though the three of them had not tried talking to her while they were walking, he at least tried to make it better now. “Who says we have to do anything the way it used to be? If I want to cook for you when you’re my wife, I will and no one can stop me.”
She only gave another sad smile and thanked him. She ate slowly and told him the food was very good. She thanked him for learning, but told him he didn’t have to. He only told her he knew he didn’t have to, but he loved her and wanted to.
She didn’t speak for the rest of their meal, nor when they began walking again. Once again, they all linked arms and walked with her without talking. She didn’t speak until she said they should stop for the night and all three boys left with her to gather food. Esylle hoped they wouldn’t argue when they got back. She was surprised when they came back when Lisana told them they had all cooked her food from their tribes, so she wanted to cook them Idric food like she grew up eating. She must still be thinking about going home.
She made enough for everyone and Esylle remembered the faces she made the first time she ate with them and said there were different spices here. Idric food was bland and very salty and there was some herb in there she must have found growing that they ate on Idric, but not here. All of the different spices that were in the food Esylle had brought up when she tried to get her to eat that day must have been new and different for her if this is what she grew up eating.
Esylle hoped Leodos didn’t get upset and yell if she slept next to those three boys tonight since she had spent all day with them and had only been near Leodos and Esylle by the fire when they ate. All three of them looked as unsure as she grabbed her blanket and moved away from all three of them like she intended to sleep alone. She was away from Esylle and Leodos as well and she didn’t know if it would make it better or worse if she asked if they could hold her while she slept.
She decided to risk it and walked over and sat down next to her. When she asked, Lisana only told her the dreams didn’t come anymore and wouldn’t say anything else. She was still trying to feel nothing and Esylle couldn’t read her. She finally just asked her if she would feel better if she and Leodos held her while she slept and she could feel them, even if she didn’t want them to feel her right now.
“I’m too old for you to hold me while I sleep. He sent me here to make me grow up and change things, so I have.”
She tried stroking her hair and was relieved she didn’t shake her loose. “You’re never too old to be held while you sleep. If you don’t want to talk about it yet, at least sleep feeling we love you.”
“All I feel is that you’re all worried and don’t know how to talk to me. It would be the same if you slept with me. I shouldn’t have connected any of you to me and if I knew how to undo it, I would,” she said, pulling her blanket over her face. Esylle knew she was trying to shut her out, but she wouldn’t let her. She met Leodos’ eyes and he knew what he needed to do. She laid behind her and pulled her to her. Leodos set up his blanket next to her and did the same. Esylle pushed her worry down and just tried to let her feel that she loved her and she knew Leodos was doing the same.
She lay there with them, tense, like she didn’t want this, but she wasn’t fighting them. Leodos tried stroking her back and Esylle played with her hair until she finally let go. She was still trying to feel nothing, but she couldn’t stop from feeling them now. Esylle couldn’t sleep again, but she felt her breathing change when she slept. She couldn’t block them while she slept. She said the dreams didn’t come, but whatever she was seeing in her sleep was dark and disturbing. Her smell changed now that Esylle could pick them out and she could make out something salty and bitter coming from her. She made it a point to remember to ask Oris what it meant before she fell asleep. She knew it wasn’t a good smell because it made her feel like a child again and she just got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to.
Leodos
They had been traveling for three days and Lisana still wasn’t speaking unless she had to. Frog came over every day and asked if she was ready to talk and she always said not yet. He didn’t know if she was upset with him about what happened at dinner or if it was still Belisarus.
He managed to get her alone when they stopped for lunch and he asked all three boys to find their own food so he could see if he could get her to talk. They had g
otten to a point that she would tell him things she wouldn’t tell Esylle, but she wasn’t even talking to Frog now. He knew he had to try. When she realized he was the only one with her, she finally spoke to ask him where the others were. She didn’t even react when he told her he asked them to stay away so they could talk.
“What makes you think I will talk to you when I’ve told Frog I’m not ready?”
“It’s hurting all of us watching you torture yourself over something you won’t talk about. I know you can feel it. We don’t know how to help you if you won’t let us.”
“None of you can help me,” she said, sitting on a boulder. Tears were starting to form in her eyes and she couldn’t block him now. He could feel how upset she was and walked over and put an arm around her. She hadn’t yet, but she buried her face in his chest and finally cried out everything she had been blocking them from feeling. “I shouldn’t have connected any of you. None of you should be miserable just because I’m upset.”
He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her. “None of us regret it. Even if you don’t want us feeling you right now, I like knowing you can feel me when you sleep because I hope it makes it a little better.”
“I wasn’t allowed to be upset growing up. If I got upset because he would always refuse to tell me anything about myself, it always turned into a lesson about controlling my fire. We never talked about it. I would ask questions and he would always tell me that was something I didn’t need to know yet. When I would cry and ask him when he would finally decide I should know, he never tried to dry my tears. He would get stern with me and go over exercises about how not to feel anything so I didn’t set anything on fire. That’s the only reason I’ve been able to block all of you from feeling me. Instead of addressing why I was upset, he tried to teach me to ignore it and feel nothing. I know you’re just going to tell me the same thing Frog did. The answers about why he treated me the way he did are in the diary my mother found. He’s still keeping things from me even after he died.”
The Spirus Page 44