Let’s say one or both of you is having a bad day or week, or month, or year! In the 50/50 model you will almost always be separated, never touching. In the 100/100 model the yard sticks may slide in opposite directions to one degree or another but they are always overlapping, always touching. In order to have a happy, good relationship with someone that will endure through all the trials and tribulations of life, you have to be willing to give one hundred percent to your spouse, all that you have to give without reservation. This is not easy but with humility, gratitude, and especially sacrifice, which is love, you will gladly do it. The hardest part about committing to a good relationship is giving your one hundred percent while not trying to get anything out of it for yourself. The reason most marriages fail is because they are entered into with the expectation and commitment of a business partnership in which each agrees to contribute some part of themselves. A successful marriage begins with the commitment to give all you have and expect nothing in return. No return on investment. If you love a person, you don’t count the cost, you just love them and give them your one hundred percent. You make the decision. Choose to give because you believe it is the right thing to do and not because you will get something back in return. If you are looking for a return on investment go to the stock market, not to those you love.
One of the challenges to any relationship is the fact that we live in a world that seems to be spinning out of control. It is estimated that in the past twenty-five years there has been more information generated then in the previous five thousand. The amount of information generated and the work expected from us is staggering.
It is estimated that the average person receives over sixty-three thousand words of new information every day, the equivalent of a two-hundred page book! During the past year over five exabytes of new information has been generated. You might ask, “What is an exabyte?” Well, to put it into perspective, one megabyte (MB) = 4 two-hundred page books; one gigabyte (GB) = 4,473 two-hundred page books; one terabyte (TB) = 4,581,298 two-hundred page books; one Petabyte (PB) = 4,691,249,611 two-hundred page books; and one exabyte (EB) = 4,803,839,602,528 two-hundred page books, and if stacked on top of each other they would reach almost thirty-eight million miles into space and could come to rest on Mars! In other words we are all very busy.
With my lovely wife, Mary, my ten beautiful children—Mary, Joseph, Elizabeth, John, James, Thomas, Luke, Ann, Peter and Matthew—and a job that demands more time than I have to give, I could easily spend the rest of my life anxiously running from appointment to appointment. But not only would it be the wrong way to live, it would make everyone around me feel the same way. It’s important to approach life with the perspective of living in the present moment, “I’m in this moment right now, I’m not in that next moment yet.”
So, I commit each morning to leave the house in a nonplussed and loving manner, never hinting that there are important meetings, appointments, or presentations to be made in a matter of moments. If I raced around the house looking preoccupied and loudly blurted out, “I only have ten minutes! I really have to run or I’m going to be late!” then everyone around me would have felt anxious and ignored. Instead, when I realize that I only have ten minutes to get out of the house, I come downstairs without telling anyone I only have ten minutes. I go to everybody, I kiss and hug them goodbye, ask what are they going to do today, and so forth. When they say something I stand still, look into their eyes, and listen like I had all day. I don’t give any inkling that I am trying to get out the door. I let the little kids feel my beard, hug me with syrupy hands, I kiss my wife goodbye, and then I say, “Love you all, see you tonight when I get home, God willing,” and I’m out the door. Mary usually walks me out to the car, sometimes with a few of the youngest attached, and we chat for a moment at the car window encouraging each other for the day ahead, and then I drive off with my arm out the window waving goodbye until they are out of sight. It took the same amount of time to be on my way as the frenzied approach but they don’t have any sense of anxiety or feeling of being rushed, they got to love me, I got to love them, and it was a happy goodbye. I feel calm and at peace, and they do too. But I could have easily made the same situation upsetting for everyone by rushing around, “I’ve gotta run, I’ve gotta run, I’m late!” When faced with a “ten minute” morning in your life, what will you do? It’s up to you, your will, to decide how to act in those few minutes. The health and success of your relationships, with those you live, work or play, hang in the balance. In both cases you get out the door and in both cases you get to your meeting on time but in one you are perturbed and anxious and the other you are calm and collected and ready to face the day.
TAKE AWAY
Sometimes the game is not going your way. If it’s not working change it. Either change and possibly win or do nothing and lose. No matter how difficult the circumstance, if you have the knowledge of what is objectively true, use your reason to make good use of what you know, and exercise your will to put reason into action, you can make the changes necessary to adapt and survive in the harshest situations. It begins with the first small step and then the next and the next and so on until you are doing what you know is true and right. If negative thoughts creep in along the way that preoccupy and distract you, remember who’s in charge and don’t sign for them.
You always have a choice. No matter what happens to you in life, however much it appears to be out of your control, you are the one who decides how you’re going to deal with it. Some people survived prisoner of war camps and others did not because of the way they thought about it. Just knowing you’re in control of how you think makes all the difference in the world.
CHAPTER 5
THE PRESSURE’S ON
IS IT? Can you hand me “pressure?” No, because it doesn’t exist! The thing you call “pressure” is all in your mind. It begins with the words that you use and soon after it appears to be reality when in fact it is like a vapor that can vanish in an instant. Words are your thoughts made visible. Their meaning can inspire heroism or terrorism. They reinforce your beliefs and ultimately express your emotions. Words are powerful.
How many times have you said, “I need to do that. I have to do that. I must do that”? You use these words all of the time often without realizing the subtle effect they can have on you and others. Sometimes you may use them as an excuse to explain why you are doing something you shouldn’t be doing. However, when you believe that you have to do something, it tends to create anxiety and worry. Let’s say that you and I have an absolute rule. Our rule is that you have to have a dollar in your pocket at all times. Now what if I told you that you only have ninety-five cents in your pocket. How do you feel? Most people wouldn’t feel too good about that, because they haven’t met the rule. They have come up short and it feels like failure.
Let’s say that you work hard, and now you have a dollar in your pocket. As a matter of fact you’ve worked really hard and earned ten more cents; now you have a $1.05 in your pocket. If I asked how you felt now you might say, “I feel a lot better, now I feel good.” No, you don’t. You think you’re going to feel better with the $1.05 because the rule stated that you had to have a dollar in your pocket at all times, and now you do. But wait, couldn’t you lose ten cents? You might say, “You’re right. Maybe I should have two dollars.” Can’t you lose a dollar and five cents? What you’ll soon realize is that if you have to have a dollar in your pocket at all times, there is always going to be anxiety, even when you have the dollar in your pocket. It will never be enough because something could happen at any time like fraud, embezzlement, a recession, or a depression.
On the other hand, what if you just want to have a dollar in your pocket at all times? If you discovered that you only had ninety-five cents you would work to get the nickel because you want a dollar. If on the other hand, you have $1.00 in your pocket, you feel great. You have what you wanted. If you lose a nickel it’s no big deal. Since you were the one who wanted a dollar, you would
then happily work to earn five cents more so that you would have your dollar. It may sound like we’re just playing with words here, but words are powerful. If you walk around believing that you need to do something, or that you have to have something, it creates anxiety and worry. I have to go to work. No you don’t. What do you mean, “I don’t have to go to work. How am I going to live?” Maybe differently than you do now but who said you have to live the way your living? You will often say have to, need to, or must when it’s something that is hard for you to do or requires a sacrifice. You say, “I have to go to work.” Actually you want to go to work because it provides the resources to buy the goods and services that you like. By realizing that you want to do it, it changes your outlook and how you feel.
Imagine it’s time to head home from work at the end of a long day and your immediate supervisor comes over to you and says, “I’m sorry about the late notice but I need you to stay late tonight to help with the new inventory system that we installed last week.” Maybe you had other plans or you just wanted to get home, but now you are going to have to stay and work late. You think, “Why me?” It may be unfair but you need the job and you can’t afford to get on the wrong side of your boss. Although you will stay and do the work, you are not happy about it. If another co-worker is also being “forced” to stay, the two of you tend to commiserate and complain about the unfairness of the whole situation. Your body language and facial expression alone would have been sufficient to communicate your displeasure.
Now imagine that instead of working for someone else you own a small business. You have built it from nothing with your own hands and it has required tremendous dedication and sacrifice by you and your family to get where you are today, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. You are not a millionaire, not even close, and the work is hard, but it is yours. You have a passion for your work and a great desire to serve others well. It is about five o’clock in the afternoon when you discover a problem with your inventory system. Your customers are expecting you to ship their orders tomorrow, so, without hesitation or emotion, you call home and tell your spouse about the problem and that you will be staying until it has been fixed. Your marriage is strong because of your faith and willingness to give all for the other. Your spouse completely understands and recognizes that when one of you makes a sacrifice so is the other. You are staying out of love for your spouse and family. Same work, same amount of time, but in the first instance you feel put upon and burdened while in the second there is no question that you want to stay. You are more than willing to stay and ensure the success of your business. Perspective is everything, in the first you say, “I have to stay late.” In the second you say, “I want to stay late,” maybe even twice as long if needed to fix the problem. “Want to” frees you up to perform well, be other focused, and improve your relationship with everyone in your life. It is also a lesson to teach your children.
Joseph, our oldest son, who at the time was in fifth grade, really wanted to play on a local basketball team. Rather than organize the car pool and uproot the entire family, I said to him, “Well, there is no way that we can drive everyone around to a million events. If over the next year you can show me how much you want to play, I’ll consider it.” I never said, “You have to practice.” After a year of practicing everyday on his own in the backyard he said to me, “Please Dad, I really want to play. I realize it will be a sacrifice for you, Mom and everyone else but I will do whatever it takes to play.” Needless to say, he got to play. Every word you use and decision you make, one way or the other, has a consequence. They are your words, your thoughts, and your decisions. You don’t have to, hopefully you want to.
I once worked with a woman who had called me because she was struggling to remain on the LPGA Tour. She was an extremely gifted athlete but she was having a great deal of difficulty performing well on tour. After working on new mental approach to her game she began playing very well. In fact, she broke into the top echelon of players on the tour. One day out on the course, as we began one of our sessions together, she suddenly blurted out, “You know, next week is the really big one.” I knew she was referring to the U.S. Open Championship but I didn’t let on that I knew what she meant. I said, “The big one? What are you talking about?” With a look of shock and disbelief she said, “Are you kidding me? It’s the U.S. Open!” I very calmly responded, “So what?” “So what!” she sputtered, “It is the U.S. Open! THE U.S. Open!” I then said, “I really don’t understand. What is so big about the U.S. Open?” Now she was speechless. Before she could get another word out, I continued, “Wait a second, maybe I am missing something here. At the U.S. Open don’t you still play on grass fields? Don’t you get to use your own clubs? Don’t you still use those small white things, I think they’re called golf balls? Don’t they have about eighteen holes that you roll your ball into?” She looked at me like the light was just beginning to go on in her mind and responded, “Yeahhhh.” So I said, “Why is it the BIG ONE? Same game, on grass, with your clubs, a ball, and some holes.” “Okay, okay, I get it,” she said with a smile.
For all practical purposes there was little difference between the course she was playing on that day and the U.S. Open course at the Oakmont Country Club in Pittsburgh, and yet the words used to describe it, “big one,” had the power to change her. The danger was in allowing her words to dictate how she would think and feel and ultimately play. If her goal had been to be as anxious, worried and distracted as possible then the “big one” was the perfect phrase to use. If on the other hand if she only used the words that helped her focus on what she was doing, like “see the target”, “feel my body”, or “see the ball” without commentary, she would play at her best. The U.S. Open is really no different than a practice round except in one valuable way. It is a competition. But based on what you have just read, why should practice and competition be any different?
Timothy Gallwey offers a great analogy on the value of competition in his book The Inner Game of Tennis. Picture that you are a world class surfer riding along on a two foot wave. The wave is so small that all you can do is basically stand on your board and slowly glide along until the short lived wave dies out. It poses no challenge and you can scarcely use any of your ability. Imagine now that you are surfing with Garrett McNamara who recently broke the world record for riding the largest wave ever surfed of the coast of Portugal. The Guinness Book of World Records confirmed the wave was officially 78 feet high! That kind of wave requires all of your ability. In fact, you will probably perform at a level beyond previous bests because the environment presents opportunities that just aren’t there on a two foot wave. The large wave provides you with a unique opportunity requiring something that you might never have known existed within you.
At the U.S. Open maybe the grass is cut a little shorter, the greens rolled a little harder, or the pins placed nearer the edges. Same game, same you, but because it is a competition it may help draw out your best. If you use the words that help you to stay focused on the task at hand, stop using words that distract you from your real goal, you will perform at your best. Avoid the words that create anxiety and worry in your life. Use words that help you focus on what you are doing, because the skills that got you to the “big one” are the same skills you want to have when you’re playing in it! Using words like big, major, huge, important, will begin to change how you approach what you are doing and cause you to perform at a lower level because you are no longer focused on the skills, talents and abilities that got you there in the first place.
Part of the problem in sport today is that it is no longer viewed as an opportunity for developing virtue. In part, this is due to the fact that we don’t use the language of virtue. When virtuous actions occur they are no longer pointed out and accurately described with the virtue they represent. For example, how often do you hear the word magnanimity used in sports circles? Probably never. You might not have ever heard of this word before because it isn’t used very much. That is one of
the problems in identifying virtues today: the words that describe them are not a regular part of our vocabulary. Magnanimity is an important virtue. NewAdvent.org defines it this way: “Magnanimity, which implies a reaching out of the soul to great things, is the virtue which regulates man with regard to honors. The magnanimous man aims at great works in every line of virtue, making it his purpose to do things worthy of great honor. Nor is magnanimity incompatible with true humility. ‘Magnanimity’, says St. Thomas, ‘makes a man deem himself worthy of great honors in consideration of the Divine gifts he possesses; whilst humility makes him think little of himself in consideration of his own short-comings.’” Magnanimity is the virtue that allows you to accept praise from someone for something you did because you are keenly aware and ever ready to give credit to the source of all your success, namely, God. The praise and honor you receive is His and in accepting the world’s accolades you are accepting them for Him. This is not a false humility but a recognition that all good flows from God. It is your cooperation with His grace that makes possible the praise and honor. Humility is the recognition that, “I am nothing, I know nothing, and I have nothing.” This is not low self-esteem but rather an acknowledgement of reality. After all, if you are standing next to God what are you bragging about? All that you have comes from Him and, as a steward, you are just trying to do your best to double the talents that He has bestowed upon you. The magnanimous man “never despises his neighbor, but esteems all men more than he does himself. If left to himself he prefers to be despised of men and to suffer for Christ, but if the glory of God and the good of his fellow men require it, the Christian saint is prepared to abandon his obscurity. He knows he can do all things in Him who strengthens him. With incredible energy, constancy, and utter forgetfulness of self, he works wonders without apparent means. If honors are bestowed on him, he knows how to accept them and refer them to God, if it be for His service. Otherwise, he despises them as he does riches and prefers to be poor and despised with Him who was meek and humble of heart”. So the next time you win the prize, respond with a humble “Thank you” and offer it up to the one who made you.
Less Than a Minute to Go Page 9