“No, sweetheart. Don’t apologize for doing what was necessary to survive.” He brushed her tears away with his thumbs. “You were so young, you should have been fragile, but you went into this big world alone and kicked its ass.”
“But I’m so ashamed,” she said between sobs. “I didn’t even know how to dance, much less strip. I had never even kissed a boy, and trying to act sexy did not come easily for me. I’m not sure I ever got it right. If it weren’t for Reagan I probably would have been fired. And not that it makes a difference but, although I was topless, I wore a G-string. And those awful high heels? I had blisters that didn’t heal for weeks, and at first I even stumbled onstage. I must have looked ridiculous.”
He brushed away more tears. “I bet that innocence earned you even bigger tips.”
Taken off guard by his levity, she smiled.
“Seriously, though,” he said steadily. “Did anyone hurt you? That can be a rough crowd.”
She shook her head. She’d been hurt plenty, but not while stripping. “They were strict about the no-touching policy. Apparently touching can be considered prostitution, or at least that’s what they said. I never slept around or anything like that, in case you’re wondering.”
“I’m not wondering.”
She looked at him disbelievingly.
“If this was what you were worried about, don’t be. If anything, it makes me realize you’re even stronger than I imagined.”
“I’m not strong, Bones, and there’s more.” More tears came as she thought about how weak she’d been. She hated feeling like every step forward brought her two steps back.
“Lay it on me,” he said with a hint of irritation in his voice, “because I think you’re wrong. Nothing you could ever say would make me believe you were weak.”
“Trust me, I’m not wrong. When you hear about my life with Lewis, you’ll understand how weak I really was.” Panic swept through her as it had earlier. She inhaled several deep breaths, blowing them out slowly, reminding herself that talking about Lewis wasn’t going to draw Lewis to her.
Bones leaned closer, but she held out her hand, stopping him. “I’m okay. It’s just bad memories. Let me get it out.”
He took her hand, watching her intently. “I’m not letting go. In fact…” He rose to his feet, bringing her up beside him, and strode to the couch. Then he sat down, plunked her onto his lap, and wrapped his arms around her. “Okay, darlin’. Whenever you’re ready. Tell me about life with the asshole who I already want to slaughter.”
Another wave of emotions flooded her. She was used to scaling rocky uphill roads, but Bones brought an onslaught of positive emotions even more powerful than the roughness she’d lived with for so long.
“I met him at the club,” she said shakily. “He was a regular customer. He’d show up a few times a week, then disappear for a week or two, then come in again. He was nice to me, and he tipped well, flirted all the time. He used to hang around and talk with me after work. I was young. I had no real experience with guys, and I made the mistake of telling him that, which I know now he used to his advantage.”
He held her tighter, eyes narrowing.
“I’m not a victim, Bones. I was just stupid, and he was—”
“Preying on a young, frightened girl,” he ground out between clenched teeth.
She sighed. “Okay, that’s fair.” And true, even if she didn’t want to come across as a victim. She knew what victims looked like, and later in their relationship, she became much more of a victim. “But it didn’t feel that way at the time. It felt like he was paying attention to me, not the stripping, not anything other than me.”
Her throat thickened, and he pressed a kiss to her arm. “I was looking at him through rose-colored glasses, seeing only what I wanted to see. He was a good-looking guy, and he wasn’t gawking at all the other girls—he looked at me. That felt huge back then, even though I realize how pathetic it sounds now. I was only twenty, but in the world of dating, I was probably more like seventeen. The flirting went on for a few weeks. One night he asked me to go back to his place, and he said all the right things to make me feel special. Now I know they were stupid lines, but not as stupid as the ones I usually heard at work, which were poorly veiled offers of cash for sex. He was smarter than that. He played on my emotions, telling me he wanted to show me what it was like to be with a man who knew how to treat a woman.” She shifted on his lap. “You’re holding me too tight.”
“Sorry,” he said sharply, visibly trying to regain control. “I’m sorry, Sarah,” he said in a gentler tone. “This is hard to listen to. But I need to know what you’ve gone through.”
“So you know how badly to pummel him?” She arched a brow, needing a break in the tension.
He threaded his fingers into her hair and drew her in for a tender kiss. Then he brushed his lips along her cheek and said, “So I know how passionately I need to love you to wash away the memories of him.”
Lord. How would she survive this man’s goodness?
“And how hard to pound his ass,” he ground out. “Go on, darlin’. I need to hear this.”
She leaned into him, borrowing his strength. “Anyway, he wasn’t too rough that night, and the next time it was better, and things kind of went on like that for a while. He’d come to the club, give me all of his attention, and sometimes we’d go to his place after my shift. He told me he’d grown up with just his father, and he’d inherited his house when his father died. And his father had been an alcoholic and mean when he was drunk. Lewis said he never wanted to be like him, so I thought we had something in common. It didn’t matter that my parents weren’t drinkers; abuse was abuse, right?”
He nodded, teeth clenched.
“He was a pharmaceutical sales rep. I had no idea what that was when I met him. It seemed like a whole different glamorous world. He traveled a lot, which explained the weeks away. And the way he threw money around at the club, it seemed like he was doing well. I told him I’d saved money for cosmetology school, and he suggested that I move in with him. He said he didn’t want me to strip anymore and that I could go to school. I had saved a lot of money, but you know what the funny thing was? No matter how much money was in the bank—and I had more than I could dream of—I never felt like I was on solid ground. I always felt like I needed to save more, just in case.”
“That’s understandable after all you’d gone through.”
“I guess,” she said. “I thought his invitation meant that he cared about me, but not long after I moved in I realized that wasn’t the case. Or maybe he did at first on some level, but he never treated me like you do, or even like you treated me before we started going out. Until the night on your boat, I’d never been on a real date.”
He cleared his throat, and she knew he was trying to push past his anger, because every muscle in his body was taut. “What was your life like with him?”
She thought about that for a moment before answering. “It was so many things, it’s hard to describe. At first it was all so new, his attention, having a real house to live in instead of a rundown room. I enrolled in school the next semester, and it was exciting. I had this new life, and we weren’t in love, but he made me feel worth spending time with. I was so enamored with it all, I didn’t see the signs that were right in front of me. Maybe I didn’t care because what I had was so much more than I had ever had before. I had no basis of comparison for our relationship, and suddenly a guy didn’t want me to strip, he was supportive of my going to school, and he even helped me buy a used car. I had enough money to buy it outright, but he pitched in a few hundred dollars.”
“Big spender,” Bones said sarcastically.
“When you’re used to fighting for every penny, a five-dollar bill feels bigger than life.”
“I know,” he relented. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I thought he wanted more with me. A life. He traveled a lot, so I got busy building a life. I went through school, and then I got pregnant wi
th Bradley, and that’s when I started noticing just how often he came home late or didn’t come home at all. We lived in his childhood home, which he’d inherited when his father died. At first I thought it was great living so far outside the city. A fresh start and all that. But then I became lonely, which wasn’t something I’d experienced before. I’d never known what it was like to live with a man or have a man trying to win me over, and once I did, and I was out of school, working and playing house, I missed it. He said I was just being needy and I had no frame of reference, so…” She shrugged.
“That’s not needy, Sarah,” he said adamantly. “I hope you know that now. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you should be able to take certain things for granted, like the fact that they’ll put you before everything else. That they’ll come home at night. Family first. Always.”
Tears burned in her eyes again. “I think that’s the Whiskey way, but in my world, you guys are unique.”
“You’re in my world now, and you can take me for granted.” He embraced her and said, “What happened after Bradley was born?”
“Lewis didn’t want me to work, so I stayed home, which was what I’d wanted, too. I wanted to be with my baby. But then things changed. I was exhausted, and Lewis hated dirty diapers, the messes babies made, the crying. Most of the time I slept on a cot in Bradley’s room because he was colicky and Lewis would get upset if he was woken up. When Bradley started sleeping through the night, things seemed okay again. And then I got pregnant with Lila, and he came home even less. After Lila was born, I was busy with two babies, and I knew our relationship wasn’t good, but I had a roof over my head and children to care for. I thought I had my priorities straight. Keep them healthy, safe, and loved. If I was unhappy with Lewis, it didn’t matter. I’d chosen my lot in life, but they were dealt it.”
Bones caressed her hand and said, “Please don’t ever doubt that you’re an amazing mother.”
“I don’t know about amazing, but I know I’m a good mother. My children are my heart and soul, and there is nothing—nothing—I won’t do for them.” Images of the nights leading up to her leaving rushed back to her, and she struggled to push them away.
“That was when the real nightmare started. Lewis and his friend got into a car accident. They were both drunk. Lewis wasn’t driving, but he’d gotten banged up pretty badly, broken ribs, a crushed cheekbone, and a fractured foot. He got hooked on pain meds and lost his job. Things escalated from there. I’d never taken drugs, or even drank, so I had no idea he was using. I thought he was angry all the time because of his injuries and the babies, but it went on for months. I was sleeping in the kids’ room again, because he got so upset when Lila woke up. I found out too late that he’d blown through every penny of his savings and then taken my debit card and cleaned out my account, too. One day he said a friend was picking up my car because it was making a noise and he was going to fix it. Well, it turned out he sold my car for drug money. I was stuck with no money, no car, two babies, and a drug-addicted boyfriend.”
“Jesus, Sarah,” he said through gritted teeth. “Is that when you left?”
“How could I? We lived forty miles outside town, I had no friends to come get me, no money for a cab, and there were no buses. But it got worse. One day this woman showed up at the house with a suitcase full of his clothes. She called me all sorts of names, and that’s when I realized he’d been spending time with other women. Duh, right? It should have dawned on me sooner, but I don’t think I wanted to see it. After he came home from wherever he got his drugs, I waited until the kids were in bed, and I confronted him about her. We fought, and he swore he hadn’t seen her since Bradley was born. I didn’t believe him, and things escalated. He threw me against a wall, and forced himself on me, supposedly showing me he wasn’t lying.” She put her hand over her belly.
Bones made a sound somewhere between a growl and a groan. He put both hands on her belly and then he kissed it. When his eyes met hers, his restraint was evident. “I’m going to kill him.”
She shook her head, tears sliding down her cheeks. “He’s not worth it.”
“He’s not getting anywhere near your children, Sarah. Not ever. Please tell me that’s when you left.”
She shook her head, remembering the weeks in between. “I couldn’t. I didn’t have a penny. It was eight weeks later when I was finally able to leave. He’d had a party, and when everyone passed out, I took their drug money, the keys from one of the guy’s cars, and I left with nothing more than the clothes on my back, my babies, and a handful of diapers.”
She swiped at her tears, but they just kept coming. “It was, like, three in the morning. I drove to the salon where Reagan had worked and waited until they opened. She was gone, so I went to the place where we danced, but it had been so many years, she was gone from there, too. The manager took pity on me and made some calls. He found out she was dancing at another club about an hour away. I found her and she let me stay with her and her brother. I didn’t even know she had a brother. He helped me ditch the car, and as I told you, he connected me with Reggie Steele, the PI who tracked down Scott and then figured out where Josie was working. I didn’t know I was pregnant until three weeks after I left. I was spotting but never really got my period, so I went to a clinic.”
“Jesus, fuck.” His fists clenched and his chest puffed out. “Baby, your life is never going to be like that again. Not ever. That’s a promise. Whether you stay with me or not, I’ll never allow anyone to hurt you again.”
“You make me want to believe in us, but you’re not thinking this through. Or you’ve forgotten the first part that I told you about. The stripping.” She looked down at his strong hands wrapped tightly around her, and it broke her heart to say, “You’re a highly respected doctor, someone the whole community looks up to. What will they think if they find out you’re dating a girl who used to be a stripper? It wasn’t just for a month or two. I did it for a few years. It wasn’t a blip on my radar, or an accident I didn’t see coming, and I was in Baltimore. That’s not that far from here, and our clientele was pretty upscale, so you never know…”
“I should give a damn what someone else thinks why, exactly?” he said in a low voice taut with anger.
“Because it could affect your job, your relationships.”
He drew in a deep breath, as if he were trying to tamp down the anger revealed in his flaring nostrils. “People come to me for my expertise as a physician. If they’re asinine enough to forgo the best damn oncologist in the area because you did what you had to in order to survive, fuck them. There’s not a person on this earth I’d allow to talk shit about you. You never have to worry about that.”
“Bones—”
“No, Sarah. I’m not adamant about many things, but this isn’t something you should spend another second worrying about. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. I care about you and the kids. In all my years, I’ve never felt what I feel for you. From the first time we met, I’ve been drawn to everything about you, and in the weeks since, those feelings have deepened tenfold. I’m done trying to hide my feelings. I don’t care if you stood naked on a street corner. The person you are is the woman I’m falling for, and whatever it took for you to get here is ours to accept. Not yours, not the kids. Ours.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks, and he framed her face with his big, warm, safe hands and brushed them away. Everything he did was as fiercely protective as it was tender. She didn’t want to push away her feelings or be careful with him, even though her past dictated otherwise. She finally felt like her heart and her head were walking hand in hand, and God, she wanted to follow them.
“My children are getting attached to you, and I…” Fear tried to wrap its greedy claws around her neck, choking her voice, but she pried them off and kicked those suckers to the side. “I am, too, Bones. So, are you sure you want this—me, my baggage—in your life?”
“More than you could ever imagine, and your past is not baggage. It’s
part of you, and even if some of it isn’t pretty, I accept it, Sarah. So please don’t ever ask me that again. But accepting me means accepting the Dark Knights. Do you have any idea what it means to be with a Dark Knight? To eventually ride on my bike with me? If you remain my girl, Sarah, no one will want to face my wrath or the power of the brotherhood. You and your children will be treated with utmost respect and protected, but it comes at a cost. I have to attend club meetings. They’re family, which means if one of them needs something, or if there’s a problem and we’re called in, I’ll drop everything and do whatever is necessary. I’ve told you about that.”
“Bones…” was all she could manage.
He brushed her hair away from her face and said, “I want you, darlin’. The question is, do you want me in your life?”
“Yes,” came out vehemently.
His entire body seemed to exhale and pull her closer at once as he drew her mouth to his. Weeks of wondering, dreaming, wanting finally came together, sending a shock wave from her head all the way to the ends of her toes. She could barely think, but as his mouth devoured hers, she felt infused with vitality. His hands pushed into her hair, angling and holding her exactly where he wanted her. Her entire being tingled and hummed. His arms were strong and safe. His big hands moved possessively over her body, pushing into her, slowing to caress and squeeze—her thigh, her hip, her ribs, as if he needed to claim all of her. Lost in the heady anticipation of where they both knew they were headed, she realized she was moaning, groping his arms and chest like a hungry tigress. She wasn’t even the least bit embarrassed. She finally felt free in a way she never had, and she wanted to explore all of him. His mouth, his body, and even more of his heart.
“Sarah—”
His rough whisper washed over her, the need in it making her crave him even more. How was that possible? His hot, demanding lips moved over her cheek and jaw, to her ear, where he licked and kissed until every inch of her was on fire.
“I want you in my bed, where I can love all of you, but if you’re not ready—”
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