“Yeah,” I say, feeling self conscious about how sweaty I am right now. “It’s not so bad out, actually. It’s nice in the sun.”
Early February in New England is a notoriously nasty time of year, but this winter has been fairly mild. We haven’t had much snow, which makes running outside a lot easier. No dodging snowbanks and black ice.
“You couldn’t pay me to run in this weather,” she says. “Actually, you couldn’t pay me to run at all, I hate it.”
I grin at her. “So no chance of you becoming my new running buddy?”
“Absolutely not,” she laughs.
“So the show went pretty good the other night, right?” I ask.
She nods. “Definitely. I’m glad you guys are going to be playing there.”
“Does this mean your brother likes me now?”
She laughs. “I wouldn’t go that far yet, but I think he was impressed. He’ll never tell you that, though, so you’ll have to take my word for it.”
“Fair enough.”
I bounce on the balls of my feet. The sweat drying on my skin is making me cold, but I don’t want to walk away from Gemma yet.
“Where are you heading?” I ask her.
“Class,” she says. She looks down at her phone. “Actually, I’m going to be late if I don’t leave right now. I’ll see you around?”
“Yeah, definitely,” I say, and then I call her back as she’s leaving the building.
“Hey Gemma, wait.”
She turns to look at me, her blonde hair flicking over her shoulder. “Yeah?”
“We should hang out sometime. You know, without the rest of the band around.”
She smirks at me. “Yeah, maybe. See you later, Spence.”
With that she skips down the front steps and into the parking lot and I’m left thinking, not for the first time, that this girl might be a problem for me.
Later that night I’ve got band practice with the guys. I’m already in a slightly cranky mood due to the lack of inroads I’m making with Gemma, but on top of that Max is obsessed with us learning some new songs. This means he’s dumping a ton of work on Lucas and I, since we’re the ones who figure out all the arrangements. I’m not against learning new songs, but when Max shows up to the practice space with a list of twenty half-finished songs and no concept of how much time it will take us to get them to a place where they’re good enough to play in front of a crowd, it gets on my nerves.
I’m good but I’m not that good.
Even Lucas is annoyed, and he’s usually the one keeping me and Max from going to blows.
“If you want these to be ready by the next time we play Kincaid’s that’s not going to happen,” Lucas tells him.
“Well, like, how long is it going to take?” Max whines.
“Months,” I tell him. “Pick three and we’ll work on those first.”
“Three?” Max says. “That’s all you can do?”
“Yeah, man,” Lucas says. “We have jobs and lives, you know.”
“Neither one of you is taking this seriously,” Max says, pointing at us. “You don’t put in half the work you used to, and I’m the only one working on any new stuff.”
“Dude, don’t start,” I sigh. I’m really not in the mood to get into this with him tonight. “Can we practice instead of talk?”
“Oh, so now you want to practice? Last week you couldn’t be bothered but now when I want to talk you want to practice,” Max scoffs.
“I practiced last week!” I say, indignant. “Sorry if I didn’t want to play the same song fifty times because you couldn’t get it. I don’t see why Lucas and I should have to suffer because you suck.”
Max stands up from behind his drum kit.
“Hey, hey, cool it,” Lucas says, holding up his hands at us. “Let’s just play, okay?”
Max and I stare at each other angrily for another minute, until Lucas starts playing without us and we begrudgingly join in. After that practice is normal, if a bit tense.
“Why do you have to rile him up?” Lucas says later, when we’re in the car heading home.
“Why does he always have to start something with me?” I retort.
Lucas shakes his head. “I don’t know what his deal is lately. He’s got a bug up his ass about making the band our sole source of income. He keeps going on about how you’re not helping and you’re probably going to quit.”
“He said that?” I say, turning around sharply to look at Lucas as we put our guitars in his trunk.
“Yeah,” Lucas says. Then he looks at me. “Tell the truth, Spence, if you don’t want to do this you need to say so. It’s a big deal to Max.”
“Do you want to do this?” I ask Lucas. He’s never really given his opinion, now that I think about it. That’s the thing about Lucas. For the most part, he goes with the flow. He’s not going to rock the boat. Lucas would rather inconvenience himself than make things difficult for someone else. He’s always been like that, ever since he was a little kid.
Lucas and I are cousins on our mom’s side, so we grew up together. I’ve always been headstrong and full of energy, dragging Lucas along with me wherever I went. And Lucas has always been happy to tag along, for the most part. Lucas’s laid back nature is one of the main reasons we’ve been able to stay friends our whole lives. He’s one of the few people that can put up with my shit. From the outside it might seem like we’re dicks to each other a lot of the time, but it’s how we show affection. When I’m being a dick to Max it’s because he’s pissing me off. Max knows how to push all my buttons.
Lucas ponders my question for a minute, then shrugs. “Why not?” he says. “Not like I have any other pressing plans after graduation.”
This worries me about Lucas. His distinct lack of initiative. For his sake, I hope the band does end up being successful, because Lucas sure as hell doesn’t have a backup plan.
“Are you gonna bail on this?” Lucas asks. “Because he’s been talking about Pete Crawford more and more.”
I don't like the amount of times I’ve heard Pete Crawford’s name in the last few weeks.
“I’m not going to bail if it means giving up my spot to Pete Crawford,” I say, stubborn as ever. “But I haven’t made any decisions yet.”
“He’s going to keep hounding you until you tell him, you know.”
I shrug. “Let him.”
Lucas shakes his head at me.
My commitment to the band is one of the biggest sources of contention between me and Max. We were fine while we were all in college, but as soon as we graduated Max started putting pressure on me. Probably because I’m the only one of us with a pretty solid career path.
Most people would be surprised to know this about me, but I’m kind of a computer nerd. I have a degree in computer science. I’ve been tutoring and helping teach an after school STEM program for kids for a few years now. It wouldn’t be too hard for me to find a full-time job that paid well. Max knows that money-wise sticking with the band wouldn’t be the best thing for me, so he’s really riding on the hope that I just love it enough not to leave them high and dry.
Given that you think he’d be a little nicer to me, but alas.
I also think he’s a little jealous he doesn’t have a backup plan if this whole “becoming a rock star” thing doesn’t pan out for him.
The more time that goes by, the more I’ve been thinking I might be ready for a grown-up job, even if the thought of it scares me shitless. In the meantime I’ve just been floating along, not making any decisions at all, hoping I can get away with it for a little while longer.
Chapter Ten
Gemma
On Friday night there is a party. It’s unclear whose party it is, but it’s a friend of a friend of Amanda’s and she’s insisting we go. I tried to get out of it, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone to a party, or been social at all, really. As a compromise, I agree to be the designated driver.
“Connor and Dex will b
e there,” Amanda says, checking her makeup in the visor mirror over the passenger seat in my car. She wipes a speck of mascara off her cheek. “Connor texted me about it earlier.”
“What’s going on with you and Connor, anyway?”
Connor and Amanda have had an on-again, off-again romance going for the last year. They’ve been off for the past few months, but Connor came to help when we moved, so I suspect they’re “on” again, or close to it.
Amanda shrugs. “Nothing. We’re not back together, but we’re being friendly.”
I quirk a eyebrow. “That’s new.” Normally, if Amanda and Conner were “off” they hated each other.
“Yeah, I think I’m finally over him. Ready to move on to greener pastures.”
Somehow I doubt this is true, but I don’t say anything.
“What about you?” She smirks at me out of the corner of her eye. “What’s going on with you and Dex?”
“Me and Dex?” I ask, confused. “Nothing, what gave you the impression anything was going on between us?”
“You know he likes you, he’s liked you forever.”
“We’re just friends,” I say, even though I know Dex has liked me forever. It’s kind of obvious, but I haven’t encouraged him because I’m not interested in him like that.
“You should give him a chance,” Amanda says. “Dex is a nice guy.”
“I don’t like him like that.”
I met Dex my freshman year of college, in our Comp 101 class. Our professor was a middle aged woman who wore these crazy painted cowboy boots every day. She was also out of her damn mind. Dex sat behind me and his constant mumbled commentary throughout class had me covering my mouth to avoid laughing out loud more than once.
Connor is Dex’s roommate, which is how he and Amanda met. Every time they get in a fight and I have to deal with the fallout of their toxic relationship, I have to remind myself it’s sort of my fault.
“You’ve got to get over this thing you have,” Amanda says.
“What ‘thing I have’?”
“This idea that you have to swear off all men forever. You’re starting a new chapter, remember?” Amanda says. “You’re allowed to date. Hell, you’re allowed to hook up with guys, too.”
“I haven’t sworn off all men forever,” I insist.
“Is this about the thing with Boomer still?” Amanda asks, and I tense up, gripping the steering wheel a little harder.
“No,” I say tersely.
“Because that was forever ago.” She doesn’t say the thing I know she really wants to—get over it. Amanda excels at giving tough love, but she’d never say that. I know she’s thinking it, though. I know she’s been thinking it for a long time. And honestly, so have I. But it's not that simple.
I didn’t date much in high school. A lack of any real female influence in my life plus an overprotective older brother meant I wasn’t exactly drowning in male attention. I had my first serious boyfriend senior year of high school. We only dated for six months before we graduated and went our separate ways. I never thought I was in love with him, but I did lose my virginity to him. The breakup was rough, and once I got to college I was hesitant to get involved with anyone.
Junior year is when things went off the rails. I was desperate for anything to numb the pain. Every week, from Thursday to Sunday, I was out partying. Guys started paying more attention to me. A sloppy drunk girl looks like an easy target, after all. I’m lucky things didn’t turn out worse for me than they did.
Kevin “Boomer” Boomhauser was big man on campus. Everyone knew him. He was one of those “the guys want to be him, the girls want to be with him” types. He had the looks, he had the charm, and he knew it. We went to a lot of the same parties, and eventually I made my way onto his radar. We started flirting and getting touchy-feely whenever we’d see each other.
In my mind, we were dating. Sure, nothing was ever officially stated between us, but we went to parties together. At the time, that seemed like enough of a commitment for me to think things were serious. I knew he was a bad boy when I met him. I’d heard all the stories about all the girls he’d slept with. But I’d convinced myself things between me and him were different. For one thing, we hadn’t slept together. Having only slept with one other guy, I was hesitant to jump into bed with someone new. I started to get real feelings for him.
Even worse, I’d convinced myself he was getting real feelings for me, too.
Finally, one night at a party when we were both the perfect amount of tipsy and couldn’t take our hands off each other, I gave in. We snuck into someone’s bedroom and tore each other’s clothes off.
Afterward, rather than it being the romantic beginning to the beautiful relationship I’d envisioned, he rolled off me and told me to get dressed so we could get back to the party.
He stayed with me for a little while, but then eventually wandered off, leaving me alone to grapple with the Boomer of my fantasies versus the real Boomer.
A few minutes later, I heard a commotion across the room and heard a bunch of guys guffawing.
“How was she?” I heard someone ask, and I swear the crowd in the room parted and the music dulled so I had a perfect view of the conversation happening on the other side. There was Boomer, responding to the question.
He grimaced. “Honestly?” he said, “One of my worst.”
They were talking about me. I felt my face start to burn and I made a beeline for the door. I was mortified.
I spent the rest of the weekend going over and over that night in my head. The entire campus would hear the story. Everyone knew we’d been circling each other for weeks. I was mad I didn’t confront him in the moment, but I was even more mad there was nothing I could do about it after the fact.
It also turned out that I’d been completely delusional thinking Boomer and I were dating. He’d been sleeping with other girls the entire time and I had no clue. I’d been falling for awhile, and Boomer was my rock bottom. I didn’t like who I’d become, and that weekend is when I decided to take the following semester off to figure things out.
And I have, for the most part. My grades are up. Boomer graduated and so did most of his cronies, so I don’t have to worry about running into them on campus. But still, the effects of that experience have lingered, and I’m in no hurry to get involved with anyone.
Though Amanda is right. Dex is a nice guy, and if I were to get involved with someone, he would be a good choice. I wish I felt differently about him, but I’m just not interested. On the other hand, there’s Spence. Even thinking his name sends a little thrill through me. It’s stupid though, and a waste of time for me to even entertain fantasies about him, because he reminds me too much of Boomer. Spence is exactly the type of guy I’ve sworn off for good.
Chapter Eleven
Gemma
The party is already in full swing when we get there. We grab a couple beers and start making the rounds. Almost immediately Amanda spots someone she knows and disappears into the crowd. I’m looking for Connor and Dex when someone comes up behind me and wraps their arms around my shoulders. “Hey, Gemma, you’re here!”
I turn around to see Dex grinning at me. He’s clearly already had a few drinks. Connor stands behind him. “What took you guys so long? Amanda said you guys were heading over forever ago.”
“Yeah, well, you know how long she takes to get ready.” I look over at Connor. “Hey, Connor.”
“Hey,” he replies. “Where’s Amanda?”
“No idea, I lost her awhile ago.” I shrug.
We wander around for awhile and eventually find Amanda. There’s a flip cup tournament happening in the living room, and the three of them play while I watch. As designated driver playing flip cup isn’t in the cards for me tonight.
After that we head into the living room, where music is playing loudly and people are dancing. Dex has had a good amount to drink is being more touchy-feely than usual tonight. Amanda keeps giving me pointed looks, so I make an excuse about bei
ng hot and escape into the kitchen to stand by an open window. The icy breeze feels nice.
“I thought I lost you.” Dex appears next to me, swaying on his feet. His cheeks are flushed.
“Nope, I’m right here,” I tell him. “Are you okay?”
“Better now that I found you,” he says, reaching to brush a piece of hair away from my face. Dex smiles at me, sweetly, and I wish, not for the first time, that I had feelings for him. He’s boyishly good looking, with a clean shaven face and blue eyes. He’s nice, and funny, and he’d probably be a great boyfriend to some girl. I’m just not that girl.
“Dex…” I say, but he puts a finger softly on my lips to quiet me.
“Gemma, you know I’ve always liked you, right? You’re like, the prettiest, nicest, smartest girl I know.”
Quickly, I look around the kitchen for someone, anyone, to act as a distraction, but I don’t recognize anybody. I’m about to tell Dex I appreciate him saying those things, but I really value our friendship, when he leans forward and plants his lips on mine. Well, actually, he doesn’t lean so much as topple face first into my mouth.
Kissing Dex is like kissing a mannequin. He’s oddly stiff and his arms are hanging down at his sides. The only part of us that’s touching is our mouths. It’s the middle school slow dance equivalent of a kiss, with only the bare minimum of actual contact. His tongue, however, is darting in and out of my mouth like a lizard’s.
Spence wouldn’t kiss me like this. The thought flies into my head. I’ll bet Spence is a really good kisser.
Without thinking I lean into Dex, my fantasy about kissing Spence getting me swept up in the moment. Encouraged, he puts his arms around me and pulls me into him so hard I feel like I might suffocate. That’s when I snap out of it.
“Dex,” I gasp, pulling my face away from his. I swear I see his tongue wriggling out in the open air for a second before he realizes it’s no longer probing the depths of my mouth. “I, uh, should go find Amanda,” I tell him, grasping for any excuse to get away.
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