by P. S. Power
Her sadness seemed magnified when not working. Or maybe it had always been like that and he'd just avoided noticing, ignoring the pain she lived with, because it hurt to look at. The whole world lived in pain though, most of the time. It was there in most cases, so he generally tried not to look. A trick he'd picked up in the institution. Focus on what you need, and let the rest go. If you don't, you go crazy. The kind of insane that makes you do stuff you shouldn't, trying to make things stop. Struggling to find just a little moment of peace.
Like it had been in the void. At first it'd been hard, the isolation. The loneliness. After time had passed, a while longer than he'd lived, he grew used to it. A longer time after that, it became normal to him. When that happened, almost to the instant, the Big Shadow came for him. Gave comfort to the little Shadow. Taught him how to move in the void, without moving at all. How to find things. How to see.
The Big Shadow never taught him how to not see. That he'd had to figure out on his own, in order to survive, when the world tried to rip everything inside apart.
They didn't realize how much information each of them held, regular people. How much more came into his awareness with every moment than they even realized they could think of. The deep part of themselves that existed like a glacier, with most of it under the surface, was always there. He called it Shadow, but it had more to it than that. Light, information, darkness, and the emotions they hid even from themselves. Each thought evoking a stream of memories couldn't be counted. Each word spoken followed by whole books worth of information.
He'd learned not to think about it. In this moment though, Zack let that filtering fade away, just a tiny bit, and focused on the woman across from him, intently. Every thought from her hit his attention. Calling to that inner portion that was so often wrong for the rest of the world. He let it call to him, and let himself answer in each moment of the deluge. Honestly, kindly, but with an eye toward relieving her pain, if he could, in at least some small way.
Lisa sipped the chocolate, thinking about how lonely she was. He whispered to her mind, you're not alone.
“I don't even know why she left. Not really. She just told me that it wasn't working and that she didn't have any answers for me. At first I thought maybe she gave answers and I just didn't see them? Maybe I just couldn't hear her words, because I didn't want them to be true. Then I realized that I must be bad somehow, defective, or else someone would love me. But no one does.”
Her inner self cried, pain coming at him in waves, she tried to bury it, but no place within her was deep enough to hide the anguish.
I love you. He told her. You're not alone.
It was true. Not the same love he felt for Claire, Libby, Hilda, or Merri, or the raw lust he felt for Val. A real love though regardless, that ran deep into his being.
Then he spoke, wanting to sigh, but not daring to, less the woman in front of him think he was frustrated with her.
“I... know why she left, Lisa. It isn't a pretty thing, but I can tell you if you want to know. If you think it would help...” He told her again and again that he loved her, whispering to the deepest parts of her being, knowing that some part of her heard him as clearly as if he spoke the words out loud.
In a tiny voice, so hurt and lost, she asked, “Why?”
“In her past she'd been betrayed by those she thought loved her. Over and over until she'd almost lost hope, almost given up on love completely. Then you came into her life. You... shone so brightly, you turned heads when you walked by, in her eyes you could have had anyone you wanted – rich, successful, lovely, intelligent and kind. Everything she felt she wasn't.”
Believe in yourself, he sent to her, when her Shadow tried to deny the things he said. If she were those things, she'd be loved right? So she must be none of that.
You are loved.
“For a while things were fine. She loved you and trusted that you loved her. Then... she noticed how other people looked at you. Men, women, young and old. As if you were a star, something to covet and not let go of. Then she began to realize she couldn't do it. That there wasn't anything inside of her worthy enough to hold you to her. She felt herself too ugly, too poor, too stupid, to be worthy of love, any love really, not just yours. So she began to fear losing it. Her fear made her jealous, which she hid from you, knowing it would push you away if you found out. In the end, her jealousy turned to anger and suspicion. Past that I can't tell you the specifics...”
He reached out and took her hand across the table gently and just held it, while her Shadow self told him of what happened. How Deidre had turned cold, and suspicious. How she'd followed her and accused her of cheating even though she hadn't. Even though she wouldn't.
“It probably started with tiny things. You gave a friend an innocent hug hello or goodbye and she'd question your motives, then theirs. Or you stayed late at work a little too often, and she wondered if you'd taken up with the cute girl from the yogurt shop or even that new guy you'd hired and talked about so much. After all, she knew you'd dated men before and even liked it, enjoyed having sex with them from time to time...”
He picked most of this up from her own narrative, hoping that hearing it come back would convince her. He told her again and again...
You are loved.
“Then your father called and congratulated you, jokingly, on your 'marriage'. This set her off so totally you couldn't get enough time to explain that he'd been making fun of you. She knew you were hiding something. Which, of course, you were. You hid your true nature from her, knowing she wouldn't understand the power that you hold. She thought you dabbled in New Age crystal gazing or militant lesbian Wicca, or some such. She didn't know, couldn't be allowed to know, what you were. She wouldn't have believed you, even if you'd shown her, it just wasn't in her... So you couldn't tell her about what had happened. Why it was innocent, maybe even cute. Or how important you thought it was at the time.”
Lisa looked down, swirling her drink slowly by moving the cup around in slow circles. Zack could just see the chocolate moving around inside over the rim, a dark glistening, tiny bits of iridescence glittering on the top where oils had separated out.
Inside she still cried, but a little softer. She told him again of her loss and pain. He told her that he knew that it hurt, but it hadn't been her fault.
“The thing is, it wouldn't have mattered if you could tell her. Even if you'd just been the manager of a regular candle store, she'd have done exactly the same thing. Because, you see, she hasn't learned that she's worthy of love yet. She couldn't see that you loved her for her. Not for petty or small reasons. Not looks or money or intelligence, but everything that made her what she was.”
Again, in the same small voice as before, she said, “Is that true?'
Yes, as true as I can make it.
“It is. I may have gotten some small bit of timing wrong or used the wrong name for something, but the overview is the truth. She was only ever going to be with you for a limited time. That's her way and what she'll continue to do until she learns to hold herself as valuable and worthy. If she ever does. It's harder to do than it sounds for some people.”
She took a solid drink of the cocoa, getting the last, mostly melted, blob of whipped cream in the swallow. Inside she seemed to have started to feel a little better. The next issue that plagued her came to the surface with force.
Then why am I alone?
He almost laughed at her for even thinking this, but held it in, keeping even his own deep level responses in check.
“Now, the natural thing to ask is, of course, then why am I alone? The thing here is that you aren't alone. Not even a little bit. I love you. Others do too, even if they don't know it yet. So you don't lack for love. Companionship? It sits there waiting for you. All around you are people that want to spend time with you, and expect to, but you hold yourself back. You don't see them, just like regular people can't see most of what you and I do. I walk out of thin air in front of people on the street all
the time, and no one has ever said more than 'where did you come from?' that's what you're doing here. Heck, we're married by the rules of a half dozen cultures, your own apparently included. Yet you waited how long to tell me about this? I don't blame you, I'd just like you to ask yourself this: why? Why wait to tell me about a break-up? If you can figure that out, you'll probably know why you've missed all the people around you that care about you lately.”
Her head drooped a little, but in thought, her inner self working over time to come up with the reason. Finally she said, You don't need me. None of you do. I can be replaced.
He didn't wait to preface it.
“Everyone can be replaced. It isn't always comforting to hear maybe, but it's the truth. Look at me. A month ago the world worked and people got along, day to day. They still get along and will long after I turn to dust. All I can hope is that I make a small part of reality a little better, instead of worse. With your help, and the others in their own way, I think we're making a positive difference to at least a few people. We aren't irreplaceable, but that doesn't mean we can't help while we're here, right? It certainly doesn't mean that we don't have value, just because someone else could do what we do.”
Her mood came up a lot more after that, as she reflected on it, as her innermost self came to understand that he really and truly believed what he'd told her. It had some grim overtones as messages went, but it rang of truth.
Her next volley took him by surprise though.
“I'm not like the others though. I can't be there for you, sexually. Not as well as they can. I mean, I could do stuff, but it wouldn't be real, just going through the motions for me...”
This made him sit up and think for a moment before speaking.
“Well, thanks for considering it? I really doubt that I'm going to starve for sex any time soon, but that really isn't as big a deal for me as you may think. Right now I spend an hour a day with Patty trying to learn how to have sex, and twice that or more reading up on it, because I doubt I have the skills to be there for most of the others sexually. Even saying that makes me want to run and hide. So, same boat really. If for different reasons. Anyway, even being willing to just go through the motions has value. Forty odd percent of married men probably wish their wife would still be willing to just go through the motions with them...” He made a funny face at her then, hoping it would make her feel better.
Her inner self quieted, which indicated a breakthrough might be coming, if he could just find the key.
“But who said it had to be sex with me? Or sex at all? We can talk, or cuddle, or play a board game if you want. I know half a dozen women that would gladly have sex with you tonight if you'd like? Or if you really want sometime, I can get Patty to change me into a girl for a night. They can do that, the Alede, when they become powerful enough. So sex isn't a good reason.”
But, what if I don't love you yet?
“You don't have to love someone else to be loved by them. Though it's hard to keep that kind of distance if they're also a good person. You're concerned right now about not being loved, right? I'm telling you that I do love you. You can do with that what you want. There are no strings attached, it won't be taken away if you're less than perfect one day, or even a thousand times. I won't be bothered if you love somebody else too, either. My world has too much glass hanging up to throw stones in that regards right now.”
Her mood, while not perfect, seemed almost normal again. That last bit had been enough to push her back to the surface, now to keep her there.
“So, Christmas. What do you want?”
They talked for another hour, then they both decided that time had come to go home. He hugged her goodbye and waited while she drove away in her car. Then stepped through the three shortcuts that would take him home.
Almost everyone seemed to be up, even though it neared midnight. A movie played on the screen and all the lights were out. Claire moved over to him, silently, and more quickly than a Human could manage. She kissed him fiercely and he tried to return the same, remembering some of the basics the book had mentioned. Her mouth tasted faintly of chocolate, as did his own. Not being able to eat regular food though, hers must have come from something else. Perhaps a bite nibbled to add that flavor?
“Hey, do I get one of those too?” Libby asked from the sofa, a not quite joking tone in her voice.
Claire moved across the room toward her even faster than before ending with her nose two inches from the bat-girls face.
“Okay, if you want...” She leaned in quickly and kissed the other girl on the mouth. Libby pulled back suddenly, but then drove back in. Apparently Libby at least, if not all bats, didn't have a lot of sexual hang ups either. In his life, that kind of issue seemed to be his area of expertise. Good to be the go to guy for something, even if it was a pain in the rear most days.
Val, sitting by and watching all of this intently, pointed out that they were actually kissing in order to arouse sexual interest in others, in this case him, most likely.
He sat under a small light, next to Hilda. Kissing her for a bit, then getting the textbook out and rereading the chapters Patty recommended. He didn't see Sarah, Troy, or Betty. Looking around for them, Val's Shadow mentioned that they were having a threesome down in Betty's room. She kind of wished she could join them, but that would make things too complicated. Zack understood she meant emotionally, not physically.
He hadn't dialed his awareness back to what he normally lived at, so he found himself bombarded with information. Claire really did want his attention and so did Libby. Val felt horny and hungry, but didn't have easy access to a late night snack, which made her desperately want to jump either him or Libby, not really caring which one at the moment. Hilda found what they were doing in the basement both alluring and confusing. She had a feeling a fight would come of it. Merri felt invisible and unloved.
“Merri, why are you all the way over there, alone, when you could be over here with Hilda and me?” That and his smile were enough to bring her over, much happier.
When she cuddled next to them, Zack couldn't help but notice how firm her body felt. Her breast pushed against his arm, nipples erect, sliding carefully, suggestively, against him. She wiggled across his lap. Making slow movements under the guise of getting comfortable that pressed against him, making him hard.
Libby sat stroking Claire's hair, her hand brushing past the tips and against the side of the Vampires breast as she did it. Val looked at first Libby and then him longingly, trying to figure out the best approach to take.
In an intuitive leap, he understood the whole situation, or thought he might have a clue at least.
“Val...Is there a succubus in our basement spraying out a massive load of passion and sexual tension?” She paused, as if thinking and told him she'd be right back.
In a minute there came a thudding sound, pounding on a door, then her yelling something. A moment later the room returned to normal. Well almost. Libby seemed embarrassed, though Claire didn't and didn't move from where she sat, in front of Libby.
Merri for her part kept doing what she had been and whispered to him that she wasn't affected by the Alede much. Then she kissed him still slowly rocking back and forth.
Hilda seemed confused.
“I felt it, but I didn't know what I was supposed to be turned on by, so I think I kind of shut down.” Zack noticed that her English had improved greatly in the time he'd known her. He wondered if she studied in her spare time or if it just had to do with being around so many native speakers all the time now?
It was time for bed, which meant shifting the cute but tiny woman off of him and standing, hoping that no one would notice how aroused he still was. After getting ready and saying good night, both Libby and Claire came into the room together. It surprised him when they both climbed into bed with him. Claire on one side Libby on the other.
Then they just cuddled for a while, until he fell asleep.
When he woke up a little, a few hours later,
he found Claire still holding him.
He felt her smile, even in the dark.
Chapter thirty-one
The phone rang at three-fifty three.
A.M.
He heard it ring in the other room, but someone else answered it so he rolled over, looked at the blue glowing numbers of the clock on the small table, and bumped against someone warm and lean. Libby, he realized. He wrapped an arm around her briefly, until Hilda came in to wake him, less than a minute later.
“Zack... Zack, there's an emergency...” He nearly collided with her as he sprang out of bed, awkwardly fighting his way out from under the covers, pulling them off Libby in the process. He didn't say anything except 'where'. Stumbling a little, still drunk with sleep, Hilda caught him. Being so tired his legs would barely hold him up. It was a side effect of the poison that hadn't gone away yet. Standing anyway his legs shook violently. It would pass, eventually. Mainly at least.
Claire had, interestingly enough, been the person actually called with the situation. So she answered his question, suddenly in the room, with her cell phone still in her hand, talking to someone.
“Right, one moment? Zack, we have a unique location, one you've never been to. A natural dam broke, releasing a vast reservoir... This happened... three hours ago now. A rescue and relief operation is underway... but it will take nearly a day for help to reach the area in any real strength. The minister of that region asks for any help that you, he asked for you by name, could provide. If you can get to the hub outside of Amarillo Texas, there's someone there that can get you to the needed location. A local. Uh... Wait a second, I'll ask him.” She covered the phone with her hand and looked at Zack, who could barely focus his eyes yet. She touched his arm gently.
“I was asked to let you know that these people aren't Human... The ones in need of help. No one will blame you if you don't –” She stopped and uncovered the phone. “He's getting shoes on. We'll be on it directly, it seems.”