I wasn’t at all sure that I was ready to do this, but I was sure that I was ready for it all to be over with. The good news about Cameron hosting the show was that he probably wouldn’t ask any hard-hitting questions—or at least he didn’t have a reputation for doing so.
“When we’re done, Cameron will outro us, thank you both for coming and for the hard work you’ve done, then tell everyone the remaining five episodes are available for streaming before we kill the feed,” Lee continued. “Alright, we’re live in 30 seconds. Everyone good?”
“Good,” the three of us said in unison, though I wondered if either Jeff or Cameron were feeling as unsettled as I was. This was a big deal for all of us. For Jeff it was the culmination of weeks of scheming and manipulation. For Cameron it was a massive opportunity to boost his name recognition. And then there was me, who had lost everything in the process of making this stupid show, who would also almost certainly gain nothing from this premiere.
Well, almost nothing, I thought.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you all so much for joining us tonight for the premiere of For the Record. I’ve heard from many of you on social media all weekend how excited you are for this and now the long-awaited time is finally here,” Cameron said. Wow, what a title, I thought, resisting the urge to roll my eyes on camera. Did Jeff come up with that one, too?
“Though I’m sure they need no introduction, I’m joined tonight by the show’s stars, Jeff Taylor and Kile Avery. Welcome to the show, guys,” he continued, turning to each of us to give us a smile. Jeff waved lamely again, I merely nodded and gave the best smile I could muster in return.
“So, before we get into the meat and potatoes of this, I think there’s an elephant in the room we need to address,” Cameron said and my heart started racing. I hadn’t expected him to bring this up. I thought Lee would surely have told him to sidestep it—but then again, it was just like Lee to try and get a cheap ratings boost by putting the two of us in the hot seat on a live broadcast.
“There’ve been some photos circulating lately showing the two of you in what appear to be some pretty romantic contexts. I and the rest of the world have been left hanging since those photos were first published, since neither of you have commented. Why don’t we set the record straight on all of this now that we’ve got you both in the same room again?” Cameron asked, turning to me expecting an answer. When I didn’t speak, Cameron laughed and turned to Jeff instead.
“I guess cat’s got his tongue. What about you, Jeff? Care to comment on the District Inquirer’s photos?” he asked and Jeff’s face hardened as my pulse doubled. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed and tried to prepare for whatever he was about to say.
“It’s all false, made up by the tabloids to create drama,” Jeff said and my heart fell. For a moment, a brief, fleeting moment, I’d dared to hope that he’d throw caution to the wind and summon the courage to tell the entire world what we’d been. Of course, he didn’t, and I was foolish to hope that he would. He was only ever in this for his own gain, remember? I thought, looking away from him and lowering my head to contain the rage that surely must’ve been showing on my face by now.
“That’s a bold claim. What about the photos? They pretty clearly show the two of you together and in some, well, compromising positions. What do you say to that?” Cameron asked and it annoyed the hell out of me that he’d even ask. Why couldn’t he have just let it be what it was?
“What about them? They don’t show anything other than two business associates spending time together outside of work. Plenty of coworkers do that and no one blinks an eye, why is this any different?” Jeff asked. His voice was shaky and nervous at first, but the more he spoke the stronger it became. It made me wonder… Did he mean any of this? Or was Lee putting him up to it?
It doesn’t matter either way, the end result is the same, I told myself. Even if Lee’s making him, he’s still choosing to go through with it, which only makes it worse. Not only is he a conniving wolf, he’s also a coward, I thought, my thoughts taking on a bitter edge. In that moment, I questioned how and why I’d ever gotten involved with him, how I’d never seen the real Jeff until now when it was far too late.
“Well, in at least one of the photos, the two of you are holding hands. I’d say that constitutes something more than a business meeting between friendly coworkers,” Cameron said. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to speak up.
“That means nothing,” I interrupted and Cameron turned to me, his eyes wide.
“So you do have something to say,” he said, his smile reappearing. I wanted to punch it off of him.
“I do. You know, in many other cultures, hand holding is a sign of friendship—even between two men. What you’re saying and trying to imply is bordering on homophobia,” I said and Cameron shook his head.
“No, no, not at all. It’s just unusual, that’s all,” he said.
“Be that as it may, do you really think that Jeff and I would ever date? I mean, come on, I know the media lives for this kind of drama, but there’s next to nothing in common between the two of us. We’re about as opposite as salt and pepper,” I said and Cameron nodded.
“True enough, but you know what they say, opposites attract and all of that.”
“And sometimes that’s the case, but it’s definitely not the case for us,” I said. It was both painful and cathartic to say, to lie to the entire world about what Jeff and I had shared. In time, I hoped that they’d forget it all, the same way I hoped to.
“Well, on that note then, let’s dig in. What was it like to work with Jeff?”
“It was like having a particularly painful hemorrhoid,” I answered and Cameron chuckled. “It comes and goes, and to a certain extent you get to know it, but you’re definitely never happy to see it.”
“Wow, OK. What about you, Jeff? What was it like to work with Kile?”
“Laborious, to say the least,” Jeff answered and I had to chuckle. “Kile is a lot of things, but chief among them is being a diva. In all caps.”
“How so?” Cameron pressed him.
“It’s all on his time, on his terms. And he’s stubborn to a fault, so there’s no telling him anything, even when you know he’s dead wrong and will live to learn it the hard way,” Jeff said.
“Well, I guess we really do have some things in common,” I said, choosing the words deliberately. While the two of them laughed, I thought of the last time I’d said that very thing to Jeff, when we’d both confessed to feeling something much more than friendship about each other. It was funny how so many things had changed in such a short amount of time, forward and backward. Jeff’s eyes met mine and I saw the recognition in them. He looked like he wanted to say something but then thought better of it.
“Well, if the fireworks were anything like the ones we’re seeing right now, I can certainly imagine how challenging it must’ve been for both of you to make this show a reality,” Cameron said diplomatically, though it was obvious he was picking up on the tension between us.
“Alright, moving on, let’s talk high notes! What were some of your favorite moments while shooting the show?” he asked Jeff first, and I smirked to myself as I realized that all of my favorite moments had nothing to do with the show itself. I was grateful he started with Jeff on that one so I’d have time to come up with a good answer.
“Oh, that’s a tough one, there were so many…” Jeff said, obviously stalling to come up with an answer.
“Well, pick one that stands out.”
“Alright, if I had to pick one, I’d say it was the first time I watched Kile give a speech at George Washington,” Jeff said and I perked up at the words.
“Why’s that? What about it stuck out to you?”
“Honestly, that was the first time I saw Kile’s talent. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d always known he was talented, even before we met, but when he got up on that stage and gave his speech about what he believes, I really saw it, you know?” Je
ff asked and Cameron nodded.
“Totally. I haven’t seen the speech you’re talking about, not yet anyway, but I’ve heard great things about Kile’s public speaking ability. Maybe he should think about a career in politics after all of this?” Cameron asked Jeff and Jeff nodded.
“I told him the same thing, but I don’t think he’s all that interested. He’s more of a mover and shaker at the ground level,” Jeff said.
“Politics is too stuffy, too insular for me. I like being on the outside as a free radical,” I said and Cameron smiled at me.
“It definitely suits you,” he said. “Alright, Kile. Same question: what was your favorite moment working with Jeff?” The time that he sold me out for his own benefit, that was a riot, I thought, though I had the wherewithal to swallow back the words.
“I think my favorite moment with Jeff came before this show was even an idea in NewSpin’s hivemind,” I said and Cameron raised his eyebrows at me. “My favorite moment was when I appeared on Jeff’s old show, The Edge,” I continued. I picked the moment on purpose, hoping it would hurt Jeff.
“You’re talking about the infamous episode that turned you both into household names,” Cameron said and I nodded.
“That’s the one.”
“Alright, I wasn’t going to go there, but since you brought it up, let’s talk about it,” Cameron said. It was exactly the direction I hoped he’d take things. After all, his job was to put on a show, so what better way to do that than to talk about the nexus for all of this?
“Sure thing,” I said, smiling as I watched Jeff’s expression shift from fear to anger.
“Well, I’ll ask the question that’s no doubt been on everyone’s minds since then: what were you thinking during all of that? What was that like?” Cameron asked.
“It was surreal, honestly. At the time, I thought being invited onto the nation’s biggest cable news show to talk about myself and my movement was a pretty damn big deal. I knew it would be controversial, but I could never have guessed it’d turn out the way it did,” I said and Cameron chuckled.
“Yeah, that’s putting it lightly. It was explosive.”
“Definitely. So to answer your question, I don’t really remember what I was thinking other than, ‘I’m so glad the cameras are rolling for this,’” I said. “Because no one would’ve believed it’d happened if it hadn’t been recorded.”
“It was a live broadcast,” Jeff interrupted. “They couldn’t have stopped it, not really. I mean, sure, they could’ve killed the broadcast but it would’ve made them look much worse. Instead, they let me hang myself on national TV,” he said and Cameron turned back to him.
“It was a memorable moment, to say the least,” Cameron said. “All of that stuff you said, about this very network, I can’t imagine you were surprised some people didn’t take it so well.”
“No, not at all,” Jeff laughed. “But I was beyond caring by that point. I was frustrated and fed up, and in retrospect I didn’t handle it as well as I could or should have, but you know, hindsight is twenty-twenty and all of that.”
“It was definitely a lesson learned,” Cameron filled in for him. “That being said, and I don’t know if you agree, I think everything happens for a reason. I mean, neither of you would be here with me now if it weren’t for that night.”
“Yeah, I agree to a certain extent,” Jeff said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “There were certainly good and bad things that came about as a result of what I said.”
“I sure hope you count this as one of the good ones,” Cameron said with a smile and Jeff nodded, his own smile less than half as enthusiastic as Cameron’s. “What were some of the bad things?”
“Well, for one, I lost my job and my standing as a journalist. That kinda fucking sucked,” Jeff said before grimacing at his cursing. “Sorry, can we say that on here?”
“It’s the internet, anything goes,” Cameron laughed. “And as much as that must’ve been hard for you, do you feel better now a month or so removed from it?”
“Yes and no,” Jeff answered. “I mean, I don’t regret having said it, but I wish I would’ve said it in a more appropriate context and in a less inflammatory tone. Maybe in an op-ed or something like that. It probably would’ve been better received that way.”
“For sure. But you were passionate about it, that much was indisputable. I think some people responded to that in a positive way,” Cameron said.
“If they did, they certainly didn’t let me know,” Jeff said through a chuckle and Cameron joined him. “You know, I actually got shouted at on the street the other day thanks to those stupid photos of Kile and me,” he continued and again I found myself interested in the story despite myself.
“You did?” Cameron laughed.
“Yeah. It was a bad day, to say the least, but it only got worse. I was walking to a coffee shop to get some joe and unwind, and this car pulled up full of kids. They had their windows down and they were all screaming at me about how corrupt and responsible I am for the state of the news,” Jeff said. “It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it?” he asked and Cameron laughed.
“Wow, yeah. You, the guy who got in hot water for decrying the state of the news, being accused of being the reason for it. That’s pretty rich,” he said. No it isn’t, I thought. It’s dead-on. Jeff never cared about the news, or at least not as much as he tried to make it seem like he did. For him, it was always about making himself look better, getting a leg up over everyone else. How the hell else did he get to be the number one paid cable news anchor in the country?
“What’s rich is that we’re sitting here laughing about this,” I said. I didn’t know where the words had come from, but there they were, hanging in the air like a thick, heavy fog. Cameron and Jeff both stared at me, and Jeff’s head shook almost imperceptibly, as if he was begging me not to do what he knew I was going to do.
“You know, I get criticized all the time for being a media manipulator, the kind of guy who’s only out to further his own agenda at the expense of everyone he comes into contact with,” I said. Cameron stared at me, looking intensely uncomfortable, while Jeff looked defeated. He had to have known I wasn’t going to keep quiet—that’d never been my style. I’d been planning this for days and now the perfect moment had presented itself, so I fully intended to take it.
“But the real master here is Jeff. I mean, look at his career, look at how high he got. No one ever criticized Jeff Taylor for being cold or calculating or anything like that, he’s just America’s favorite guy to most people—or he was—but the truth is not nearly so black and white,” I said. Cameron’s eyes darted from me and from the corner of my eye I saw Lee making desperate throat cutting motions to Cameron, clearly trying to get Cameron to cut me off. Cameron looked like a deer in headlights, so I made to press on but Jeff got the next word.
“If there’s anything I’ve learned from making this documentary with you, Kile, it’s that no one is really as simple or easy to understand as people make them out to be,” he said. I knew he was trying to say something without actually saying it, but it was too late for apologies. “Not you, not me, not anyone.”
“That may be true, but it’s especially true in your case,” I said. “When we started this project, I had misconceptions about you—lots of them—but I also had gut instincts that turned out to be so accurate it’s not even funny,” I continued.
“That makes two of us,” he said, his eyes narrowed, his voice lowered, almost like he was trying to warn me to back off.
“Working together, especially with someone you don’t generally see eye to eye with, definitely has a way of doing that,” Cameron interrupted. “Alright, fellas, it’s getting a little intense in here, so why don’t we get to the reason everyone’s gathered here tonight, what we’ve all been waiting to see? I’m sure the audience at home is chomping at the bit to see what the chemistry between the two of you produced for the show,” he said, and sound filled the room as the clip spooled up on a screen t
hat had been wheeled in front of us at some point without me noticing. The opening for the show whirled across the screen, a montage of cliché references to the news and to the internet.
I rolled my eyes and turned to find Jeff staring at me, his eyes like hot coals as they raked over me, but I stared back just as intensely. Cameron and Lee might’ve stopped me this time, but there would definitely be more opportunities. I just had to wait for the right one.
“What the hell are you doing?” Jeff hissed behind Cameron’s back.
“Telling the truth. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do as part of the media?” I asked.
“You’re making a mistake. A huge mistake. Whatever you think you came here to say, don’t,” he said. “You don’t have any idea what’s going on here.”
“I know exactly what’s going on,” I said before turning back to the screen. There, the title of the show took up the center of the screen in all white caps: FOR THE RECORD. It was a terrible title, but it fit the generally sleazy nature of the production, so I could only laugh at it.
The show opened with Jeff and me sitting in my living room the very first day we’d filmed together. It was almost as awkward to watch as it was to film. Still, I saw the looks on my face, the way I looked at him when the camera would pan or jump back to me from him whenever I spoke. I’d had no idea at the time, but my feelings for him that were already blossoming at that point were written all over my face. I wonder if he picked up on them, too? I thought. He had to have. It would definitely explain his advancement of things and the stupid fucking kiss he’d given me later.
Much of that interview had been cut, spliced, and moved around in the episode, not that I was surprised. Everything was clinically edited for maximum emotional impact. I had to admit that whoever had done the editing had done a phenomenal job and deserved a raise.
The rest of the episode passed me by as I tried to pretend like I was paying attention, until we were nearing the end and reached the point of Jeff and me talking just before I’d given my speech. I’d totally forgotten about that moment, but there’d been so many over the last few weeks that it wasn’t hard to have some of them slip away.
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