“Why are you rolling your eyes?” she said as we got to the grocery store and walked inside, grabbing a cart. “I hope you haven’t lost your mind thinking you better than people and stuff. I meant what I said. You supposed to help us.”
“No, Mom, I don’t think I’m better than anybody. I just work hard for what I have. I don’t mind helping people who help themselves, but I’m not going to do all the work and then sit there and let somebody betray me by not even trying in their own life. I mean, that’s just crazy. They are scheming you.”
“Watch your mouth. Watch how you talk to me. I’ve given the three of you the shirt off my back. I don’t deserve no sass talk.”
“That’s fine, Mom. I apologize. I know they’re your brother and sister and you love your family,” I said.
Then I explained that I actually hated that I had even come home because I didn’t want to have a confrontation with her. It seemed she wasn’t trying to listen to anything I had to say, so I just stopped trying. We were at the same impasse we’d been for most of my life.
When we got back to her place, I could not believe her sister was going through my stuff and actually had on one of my outfits. We were family, so what was the issue, right? Well, how about she was a size twenty, and I was a size eight!
Yanking my dress out of her hands before she could pull it apart to get in it, I said, “I can’t believe you got your hands in all my stuff! Why are you wearing my clothes? You ain’t even ask nobody. You’re stretching it! You’re going to pay me back for this.”
“Chill out,” she said, pushing me back against the wall and taking the purple silk outfit from me.
“Don’t tell me to chill out!” I lunged toward her to try to grab my garment back.
The next thing I knew, my uncle was grabbing my waist and pulling me to him, whispering, “Aw, Cassidy, you know you need to calm down and chill out. We’re family. We share everything. Relax.”
When he said that and wouldn’t let me go, it struck a cord that pierced my soul. His yucky hands were sliding around on me, and that gesture was too eerie and familiar. I felt helpless, like a child needing someone to rescue me from harm, but no one would. What was this about?
Oh, my gosh. The past I’d blocked out suddenly dawned on me as his voice kept talking in my ear. I could see his body on top of me. I could hear that same voice telling me to relax and calm down and enjoy it. He was the one who had violated me so young.
I just started pounding on his chest and screaming, “I hate you! You raped me! I was little. How could you do that!”
He immediately let me go. He didn’t move, and I didn’t either. This was more than I needed to remember.
Shaking, Sally came over to us and said, “What? What are you talking about?”
“I can’t believe this! I have been thinking all this time that I was crazy. The nightmares—I couldn’t put them together. I couldn’t understand. I guess I blocked them out because the uncle who should have protected me like a brother took advantage of me.”
I kicked him and hit him and punched him in his chest, and he didn’t fight back. He didn’t deny it. He didn’t tell me to calm down or say, “Cassidy, no, it wasn’t me.” He just dropped to the floor.
“What in the world is going on in here?” my mom screamed.
Tears were streaming down my face. Everything I had been going through—so promiscuous, always thinking sex was the answer, needing to feel loved—stemmed from him taking advantage of me as a child. I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to burn. I wanted him to feel as horrible as I had felt for years. I certainly wasn’t going to protect him for my mom, who thought he was perfect.
I shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your precious brother raped me years ago!”
“No,” my mom said as she backed out of my room. “No, no. Bill would never do that. He had girls coming out of the woodwork. I had to keep them off him. He would never ruin my child, his niece. Tell her, Bill. Tell her!”
Sally rushed over to me, looked me in the eye, and saw that there was no way I could be lying. She went to her brother and slapped him hard. “Was misusing me not enough?”
My mom screamed out, “What?”
I wiped my tears and thought, What? Had Sally been through my same tormented ordeal? Did she now have an excuse for never amounting to much—because her own brother had taken her innocence? Bill needed to be behind bars somewhere.
“Yeah, why you think I’m so messed up?” Sally said as she went over to her sister. “Life has been hard because my brother misused me. I never knew he was doing the same to your little girl.”
“How could you, Bill?” my mom said sadly, clearly letting us know this was the worst news of her life. “I can’t believe you’d do this to me. I’ve given you everything I had. I took you in. I cared for you when no one else would, and you do this to my daughter? You misused my trust? Get out of here!”
She yelled more cuss words than I knew existed as she charged up to him, but he didn’t move. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. It took everything Sally and I had to hold her back. But, fighting us off, she got loose and went for him.
10
BLAME
Seeing my mother with a sharp butcher knife in her hand scared me. I had never seen her eyes fire red before. Her temples were bulging outta her head. And though her body was trembling, the knife was held right at my uncle’s throat.
“I loved you. I would’ve given my life for yours. But right now I’m gonna take yours instead. You don’t deserve to live. How could you, Bill?”
“Mom!” I screamed. “No! He’s not worth it, Mom. Please drop it. He’s not important enough.” I stepped in at that moment and grabbed the blunt, steel object and took it away from my mother.
She fell into my arms, saying, “I can’t believe I didn’t know.”
“I hate you!” Sally screamed, kicking Uncle Bill while he was down on the floor. He was too frightened to move one muscle.
“Mom, are you okay?”
“You got all this damage that can’t be erased, and you’re worried about me?” She pulled back.
“Sis,” Bill said, approaching my mom and grabbing her leg, “I’m sorry.”
She snarled, “There’s nothing you can say to ease this situation. Get the heck outta my house now before I change my mind and end it all for you. Bill, you done made me crazy! I hate you. Leave.”
“Where am I supposed to go? I ain’t got nothing or nowhere to be,” he said with tears in his eyes.
“All those women you bring over my house—go stay with one of them. Go live on the streets and become humble so you can understand the innocence you stole from my child and your sister. Looking at you turns my stomach. You’re a nasty bastard.”
My mom picked up the lamp from the family room, yanked the plug from the wall, and threw it at the back of his head. It shattered while he ran out of the house without looking back.
I just sank on the couch, rocking back and forth, replaying over and over again in my mind what I now remembered. Everything he’d done to me was so disgusting. Once the memories came flooding back like a dam that had been broken, I knew every horrifying detail.
I was finally confronting my past and what had happened to me. As I sat there weeping, I finally understood that what had happened to me was not my fault.
The next few days, when my mom was at work and my aunt was off doing her own thing, my uncle would come around begging me for food, begging me to let him take a bath but, most irritatingly, begging me to forgive him.
Uncle Bill pleaded, “Cassidy, I know I was wrong. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I thought you would let it fly, or that maybe it didn’t even happen—”
“It didn’t even happen?” I said, completely cutting him off. “Night after night, I can’t even breathe, let alone sleep. I keep going over it again and again in my head. Why did I want to be so promiscuous? Because you exposed me to something too early and in absol
utely the wrong way. It did so much damage I allowed myself to be violated again just a few months ago. I’ve been on medication just to clear my head of the incident, so forgiving you is definitely out of the question!”
He stood there, tripping on my honesty. He looked away, so sad. I shoved a piece of fried chicken and bread in his hand and slammed the door in his face.
My mom wanted me to stay through New Year’s, but there was just no way. Over the holiday my house became the most unbearable place. My sorority sisters wanted me to party with them, but I wasn’t down for their excitement either. My family was irreconcilably damaged, and that was nothing to celebrate.
And I guess Isha knew I didn’t wanna be alone because she suggested I go with her to watch night service. Truth be told, seeing Konner Black again didn’t sound too bad. He intrigued me. I wasn’t sure if the idea of being in his presence or allowing the Spirit to make me whole again was pushing me more to want to join Isha.
Either way, I got dressed and was ready to leave at ten PM. We arrived at the packed church a few minutes after the service had started. Quickly, we sat in the pews, joining other high school and college kids to hear Konner Black preach.
“You think you can start the New Year off doing the same shady things you did this year? You’re wrong. God wants to change your heart in the New Year and leave your past in the old one. But let me keep it real. You might have to forgive some people to truly move on to the high calling and the place God wants you to be.”
Okay, now I was squirming in my seat. I didn’t need to hear him speak about forgiveness. Yeah, it was cool for God to forgive me, but for me to forgive somebody else ... particularly my uncle? Was this a joke? Was I being punked in the sanctuary? I wanted to scream, but Konner wouldn’t let up. He kept preaching about how God wanted us to forgive, to go to our brother and fix things, and if we could ask God to forgive us our sins, how could we expect that to happen when we couldn’t pardon anyone else? If we loved God and allowed Him to live in our hearts, we couldn’t have hearts that were hard. We had to be loving, generous, and kind—give people the benefit of the doubt, in hopes that they would find God to change them from their wicked ways, accept forgiveness, and become better.
I was so inspired by the end of the message I was practically in tears. I had been so selfish, I’d just left a note telling my mom I was going back to school. I knew my mom would have stopped me, and I didn’t want that, so I’d done things my way, not caring if I hurt her.
From one of the payphones in the church I called home. My mom picked up and said, “I didn’t even get a chance to say good-bye to you. I’m so sorry.”
“I know, Mom, I’m sorry, too. I just had to get outta there.”
“I got your note, and I apologize that you were experiencing so much pain here.”
“It’s okay now. God’s got my back, Mom. He’s got us all.”
“I wanna tell her I’m sorry again,” I heard Uncle Bill saying in the background.
“She doesn’t wanna speak to you. You’re only here to eat and then leave. Nothing else.”
“Mom, can I talk to him, please?” I heard them arguing, but she handed him the phone. Before he could say anything, I said, “Uncle Bill, you stole something precious from me, and I’ve been damaged because of it. But ... I forgive you.”
There were no strings attached. There were no preconditions. There was nothing God needed to do for me in the New Year. I just needed to move on, forgive, and obey God’s Word and hope that the one who’d wronged me would find God. After all, Konner had said we all fell short to the glory of God, and we all needed another chance to get right again.
“I was hoping you didn’t leave,” the fine reverend said, startling me before I was able to head back into the sanctuary.
“No, I just had to make a phone call,” I said in a giddy voice, intrigued that he was looking for me.
“Did you maybe wanna go get something to eat?” he asked after a long, awkward pause.
“Being that it’s New Year’s, don’t you think everywhere will be crowded?” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“I just wanna spend some time getting to know you, that’s all.” He reached out and grabbed my hand, placing his other hand on my cheek and stroking it gently. “You’re a beautiful girl. I look out when I’m preaching a lot and notice you’re really into my sermons. Sometimes on your face I can tell you’ve had pain and issues you’ve gone through that were not good at all. Maybe I can be a part of your life now and give you good memories from this point on. You deserve only the best.”
Okay. He’d had me when he’d told me he’d hoped I hadn’t left. Now he was stroking my cheek and making me feel extra special. “Uh, I came here with Isha.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s gonna be a big problem.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“She likes Mark, the music director. I think the two of them are planning to hang out.” I can’t believe my girl didn’t tell me, I thought. But I was happy for her. He continued, “She just wanted me to catch up with you and let you know she’d be downstairs if I found you.”
Processing what he said, I asked, “She thought I left, too? I didn’t mean to scare anyone.”
“Are you okay? Was my sermon so bad you had to leave? I know you said you had to make a phone call, and I don’t mean to pry, but what’s going on with you?”
I wanted to tell him about my crazy world and how I didn’t want to let him in before we knew each other a little. But I didn’t take that route. I didn’t open up either. I liked the thought of taking things slow and smoothing out the road. “It’s gonna be kinda different for me dating a minister.”
“Why is that?” he asked, letting go of my hand and giving me a look that made me feel pure, beautiful, and lovely. “No one is perfect. But you can let a godly man take care of you and make this dating relationship perfect in His sight, by treating you like the queen you are. You down for that?”
I was speechless. So we went out that night and for the next seven days as well.
There was another week before school would start. Sam hadn’t come back to our apartment yet. For our seventh date, I invited Konner over for dinner and dessert. I thought it was gonna be hard for me to be close to another guy after what I’d gone through with Al Dutch and my uncle. But spending time with Konner at the movies, at the bowling alley, in the library while I studied, and as he prepared his sermons—we just connected.
The whole week I learned so much about him. He hadn’t gone to college but to a trade school instead. He’d been selling drugs and wanted to end his life until a youth pastor told him God was the only way to true happiness. From that point on, he had changed for the better.
We talked more over dinner at my place. He loved my meal; the Cornish hens with orange carrot wine sauce, asparagus, and baked potato warmed his belly. Afterward I served him a piece of my homemade cheesecake with cherries drizzled on top.
My emotions were getting out of control, and I had to figure out what to do with them. He was looking so good sitting across from me. Shucks, I wanted him for dessert. So I took my hand and started to feed him. He was smiling. I moved to the other side of the table and sat on his lap. He was moaning. The next bite I fed him, I touched my lips to his. Next thing you knew, we were hot and into each other.
Finally, he stood up and said, “I’m sorry if I misled you, Cassidy, but we can’t go down this road. I’m supposed to lead us in this relationship, so we’ll do it right. Though you’re so attractive and you’ve done nothing wrong, I don’t want you to think I wanna be with you because of your body. I want to be with you because I want your heart. And if I made you think otherwise, I’m the one to blame.”
11
GRILL
“Please, it’s fine. Just get out of my face,” I finally said out of frustration when Konner kept trying to rationalize ending our moment of passion.
He just kept going on and on, trying to make me feel
like it was okay that I’d been really aggressive. But it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay for our relationship, and it wasn’t okay for me, now that I knew why I was like that. There was still a part deep inside of me that couldn’t change; all I knew was how to make a guy physically aroused. If I had any more to offer that would keep a man intrigued, I had absolutely no clue what that was, and I was too embarrassed, ashamed, and upset to try to figure it out at that moment.
“Cassidy, please, settle down. Let’s be open about what happened. I really don’t what to leave right now,” he said in a soft, understanding tone. “I really want to talk you through this.”
But I wasn’t listening to what he was saying. I just saw his mouth yapping, and because I was already annoyed, I opened the front door and gestured for him to get out. If he never came back, I knew I’d regret it, but for now, because I was an impulse girl, Konner Black had to jet.
“I’d like to pray before I leave, if I could,” he said, reaching for my hand before I tugged it back.
I didn’t want to laugh in his face or tell him what a dumb idea I thought that was, so I just shook my head, opened the door even wider, and sort of shoved him out of it.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” I finally said.
“Well, I’ll be praying for you, and there’s nothing you can do about that,” he said as he walked out.
At that moment, when I shut the door, I started slowly releasing tears. He was a good man, and I had just kicked him out of my place. I certainly regretted the fact that part of me had told him to go. I jumped in a hot shower, hoping to soak away the anguish I felt, but I just kept hearing, You’re never going to get a good man. You wouldn’t know how to treat him if you had one. You’re so pathetic, throwing yourself on a minister. What you doing, trying to make him fall? Girl, you tried to ruin a man of the cloth. You deserve to be alone.
Under the hot, steamy water, I just screamed until I cried. I cried until I was out of breath. Then I prayed. Lord, help me. Forgive me. Help me be like You. Help me.
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