by Jamie Shaw
She’s clearly not referring to Mike, so I search my brain . . .
“You mean Leti,” I guess, and Danica raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow.
“Is there someone else?” At the panic that flashes across my face again, she sits forward on the couch. “Oh my God, two?!”
“No, no,” I stutter. “I just, I didn’t think you remembered him.”
“Hailey Harper!” Danica scolds. “Stop lying. You’re terrible at lying.”
I make sure my lip is relaxed and freed from my teeth when I say, “I swear, just Leti.”
Danica narrows her eyes at me, but then her mouth curves into a satisfied smile. “Okay, so what did you two lovebirds do last night?”
“Just hung out . . . ate pizza . . .”
Her face falls. “Pizza? Seriously?”
I think of the half of a pepperoni pizza I had to throw out this morning, since Mike had eaten his half in Indonesia, and I give her a genuine smile. “It was fun.”
“Did you at least have some real fun afterward?” she asks, and when I don’t answer her, she says, “You have slept with him, right?”
Again, I stand there with my tongue tied.
“Oh my God! Hailey, you’re not a virgin, are you?”
My face is bright red when I throw up my hands. “No! God, no.” I drag my fingers through my hair as I go to the kitchen for a glass of water, and Danica trails gleefully behind me.
“You had me worried there for a second.” She hops up on the counter, perching her toes on the edge. “So when was it? Where was it? Who was he?”
“Who was what?” I ask after gulping down some much-needed water.
“Your first. You’ve never told me.”
“Oh.” I drink more water to stall, wondering when Danica and I suddenly became best friends. Eventually, my glass turns up empty. “Um . . .”
Danica grins as she waits.
“A guy named Will. Senior year. Barn.”
“Barn sex,” she chides with a friendly laugh. “How romantic.”
I smile and let her teasing relax me. “You?”
Her smile softens, her brown eyes warming with memory. “Junior year. Prom. Mike.”
My heart skips a painful beat, and I choke out, “Mike?”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” Danica says with another laugh. “Mike and I started dating when we were fifteen, Hailey. Who else would it have been? We were both virgins. We gave our virginities to each other.
“It was pretty romantic, actually,” she continues while I just stand there frozen in hell. “He got us a hotel room, and I think he was even more nervous than I was. His hands shook as he struggled with the ties of my dress.” She smiles with her cheek resting on her knees. “It was so adorable.
“I’ve never had anyone make love to me the way he made love to me,” Danica says, and the acid in my stomach crawls to the back of my throat. I should have known Mike was her first, but I . . . just didn’t think about it. I still don’t want to think about it. I desperately need to get out of this kitchen, or I’m going to be sick on her silver toes.
“I just didn’t expect him to be so big—” she continues, and I thank God when my phone rings in my pocket.
“Hello?” I answer, walking away from Danica before she can notice the pallor that’s spread across my face. I listen to Luke tell me about some new achievement he got in Deadzone Five, and I reel from the realization that Danica was Mike’s first, and she was his.
Even though I wasn’t in love with Will, I’ll never forget the way the barn smelled of freshly cut hay that night, how nervous he looked as he tore open the condom, the quiet way he told me that he thought I was the most beautiful girl in school.
Just like Mike will never forget how beautiful Danica looked in that hotel room, how he struggled with the ties of her dress, how it felt to be inside her—and he loved her, so the memory will mean so much more to him. Fifty years from now, he’ll still carry it with him.
They were each other’s first loves, first times, first heartbreaks. And I can’t help feeling like an intruder as I fall asleep that night, imagining the way he loved her.
“Did you know Mike and Danica lost their virginities to each other?” I ask Rowan and Dee on Wednesday afternoon at the campus coffee shop. I’ve spent the past three days trying not to think about it . . . and then I’ve thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it.
“Ew,” Dee says, her face scrunched with disgust. She sets her coffee down and pushes it all the way to the other side of the table.
“How do you know?” Rowan asks, and when I don’t answer, Dee looks back and forth between us before pinning her eyes on me.
“Did Danica tell you that?”
I worry my lip, and Dee growls.
“Hailey, what did I tell you about listening to her? That girl is poison. Poison. If you start buying into her lies—”
“She wasn’t lying though,” I interrupt in defense of my cousin, and the corners of Dee’s mouth turn down. Eventually, Rowan shakes her head.
“It doesn’t matter if she was lying or telling the truth, Hailey. You know she’s just telling you this stuff to get under your skin.”
I stare down at my coffee thermos, because I’m not so sure. She was gossiping with me like we had never stopped being friends, like we were just two roommates talking about boys. I remember her easy laugh and her bright eyes, and I grip the thermos until the heat bites into my palms. “He’ll never forget her,” I say, and when I look up at Rowan, her blue-jean eyes are filled with sympathy.
“Of course he won’t. She was his first love.”
“Do you know what I remember about my first time?” Dee cuts in, finally pulling her coffee mug back to her side of the table. “I remember he lasted about two seconds, and it was horrible.” She grabs a sugar packet from a container at the center of the table and begins shaking it violently. “It was like he didn’t realize that water is required to go down a waterslide. The fucker just dove right in. I know your first time is supposed to hurt, but I swear to God, I had first-degree vagina burn.”
Rowan chokes on her coffee as she laughs, trying not to spit it out, and I can’t help cracking a smile.
Dee empties the sugar into her coffee and stirs it with a tiny straw. “Everyone’s first time is horrible. I mean, Ro’s was apparently pretty nice, aside from the whole being impaled on Adam’s Viking-sized cock thing.”
Rowan laughs harder and smacks Dee’s arm, and my smile widens as I watch them together.
“I bet Mike only lasted two pumps,” Dee continues. “Three, tops. Guys never set any endurance records their first times. I bet Danica even bitched him out about it afterward, because you know how she is.”
I smile until it becomes too difficult to keep it on my face. “You don’t think I’m a bad person for coming between them?” I ask, and Dee’s perfect eyebrows slam together.
“Come here,” she says, curling her finger to motion for me to lean across the table.
“Why?” I ask as I start leaning in. Do I have something on my face?
“Because clearly you need some sense slapped into you.”
Rowan grabs Dee’s arm out of the air, and I jump wide-eyed back into my chair.
“Hailey,” Rowan says, releasing Dee’s arm when I’m out of slapping range. “This is exactly what we’ve been trying to warn you about. Danica is going to do whatever she can to come between you and Mike. He didn’t break up with her because of you—he broke up with her because she’s horrible. She treated him like garbage. I mean, come on. Even if he wasn’t with you, would you really want him with her?”
I’m shaking my head before I even realize it. “No.”
“Right. Because you love him.” Rowan smiles. “You want him to be happy.”
I nod, and she reaches across the table to squeeze my hand.
“You make him happy. He loves you. It doesn’t matter who his first was, because she’s not his only. You could be his las
t, and the last is the one that counts.”
“Damn, Ro,” Dee says, relaxing in her chair. “That was beautiful.”
Rowan smiles at me and lets go of my hand. “Do you feel better, Hailey?”
I nod, even though I’m not so sure. Because even though everything they said makes sense, my heart still stings like it didn’t hear a word.
“Hey,” I eventually say to change the subject, since I know my feelings are something I’ll have to wrestle with on my own. “Would either of you be interested in adopting a dog?”
Rowan and Dee remain silent for a while, until they eventually allow me to shift the conversation. They both tell me what I already guessed—that their apartment building doesn’t allow pets—and I frown as two more doors close for Phoenix. They insist they’ll ask around though, and I thank them as I think of my sweet golden Chow, who still won’t walk beside anyone but me.
She’s the only creature I tell all my secrets to—the only one who knows how much I’m struggling.
I miss Mike with every beat of my heart, every breath that fills my lungs. While he’s living his dream, I’m drowning trying to reach mine. And I don’t know how I can ever get it unless I’m willing to give him up.
Rowan is right. Mike deserves to be happy. But how can I make him happy when my own happiness is so out of reach?
Chapter 43
Four weeks.
It’s been four weeks since I last saw him.
In Phoenix’s cage, I tap my finger against a calculator, crunching numbers. I’ve tried to work this out a thousand different ways—a way I could give up my uncle’s financial support and still finish getting my degree. I’ve accounted for theoretical jobs and maybe-possible scholarships. I’ve calculated living expenses and textbook expenses and miscellaneous expenses. I’ve added the numbers with my car and car insurance, without my car and car insurance, with Internet, without Internet, and it all comes out the same.
Not possible. Without sizable savings, which would take me years of living at home to accrue, it’s just not possible.
“Hailey,” Barb says, lifting the lock on the cage and coming in to sit next to me. Phoenix immediately skitters to the other corner of the cage, curling into her usual ball, and Barb frowns. “I need to talk to you.”
“Okay?” I ask, setting my calculator down and staring up into the solemn face of my supervisor.
“We’re transferring some of the dogs to another shelter this evening. We’re over capacity, so they’ve agreed to take them in.” She hesitates, and my heart constricts as I realize what she’s about to say. “We’re going to send Phoenix to them. They’re a smaller shelter, so—”
“No,” I say, already shaking my head in denial.
The corners of Barb’s mouth sink down even further. “She’s not adjusting, Hailey. I know you’ve gotten her to eat, but she’s not putting on weight like she should. And she still won’t let anyone else touch her. She’s been here for almost a month—”
“I’ll work with her more,” I promise, but Barb simply shakes her head, pity filling her moss-green eyes.
“How? You’re here every single day, Hailey. You do your homework in her cage. I know you want to help her, but this isn’t healthy . . . I’m doing this as much for you as I am for her.”
Tears fill my eyes as I stare across the cage at Phoenix, her glacial blues peeking out from under her paw as she watches us. I’ve tried everything I can for her. Even Rowan has come to the shelter, and we’ve tried to take her on walks together, but Phoenix hasn’t opened up to anyone but me. I know that moving her to another shelter won’t help—she’ll close back down, she’ll stop eating again, she’ll stay curled in a ball until they realize she’s never going to get better.
“I’m taking her home with me,” I decide, and Barb pats my arm.
“Hailey—”
“I’m taking her home, Barb. You’re not sending her away.”
“You can’t save them all, honey,” Barb says, giving my arm a motherly squeeze. “I love you for trying. You know we adore you here. But you can’t get too attached to the dogs, or we won’t be able to keep you on staff.”
“Then fire me,” I say, already packing up my things. Barb could drop me from my internship for this, but I’m hoping—praying—she won’t. “I love you too, but”—I point at the damaged dog still cowering in the corner—“I’m taking that dog home with me, and nothing you say is going to convince me to leave her.”
In my car, I gaze out the windshield with my hands on the steering wheel and Phoenix sitting timidly in my passenger seat. I stare over at her, and she stares back at me. “Well, shit.”
I walked her out of that shelter with no plan and no place to take her, and now we’re just sitting in the parking lot, stuck. I know I can’t take her back to my apartment, because I already discussed fostering Phoenix with Danica a couple weeks ago, and she reminded me that our lease strictly states no pets. I could always take her there anyway and keep her there low-key until I figure out something else to do with her, but I know that would end in disaster; even though Danica has been less horrible than usual lately, I don’t doubt she’d open the front door to let Phoenix “run away” if Phoenix dared touched one of her precious shoes or five-hundred-dollar purses.
“Shit,” I repeat as I stare over at the dog I’ve grown to care for over these past few weeks. I’ve watched the fur grow through the injured parts of her snout. I’ve watched her eyes clear as she learned to trust. I’ve watched her tail wag excitedly when I praised her for finally being brave enough to go to the bathroom outside.
She chased a ball yesterday—really actually chased it across the shelter yard—and I can’t let her go back to being a dog who’s too scared to run or play or live.
She crawls across the console to sit on my lap, and I rest my forehead against the soft fur of her shoulder. “Why couldn’t you let anyone else pet you?” I groan, and her tail slaps back and forth across my gearshift.
With a sigh, I lift my head, and she starts covering my face with sloppy dog licks until I nudge her back to her side of my car. “Where am I going to take you?”
She barks, and I take a deep breath before turning my key in the ignition. I pull out of the shelter parking lot, and I take her to the only place I can.
“Better to ask for forgiveness than permission,” I convince myself as I walk Phoenix through Mike’s front door. I called him but got his voice mail, and then I decided it’s probably better to just not ask if he’s okay with me keeping Phoenix at his place. I have no other options, and it’s only temporary until I can find her somewhere else to live. He’s my boyfriend, and he once told me I could live with him, so . . . that includes my dog too . . . right?
“You better be good,” I warn Phoenix as she begins sniffing every surface of Mike’s home—his couch, his coffee table, an old pair of tennis shoes he left by the front door. I half expected her to curl into a ball in some random corner, but instead, she tentatively explores the place, and when she realizes no one else is here, she starts wagging her tail and trots from room to room.
I sit on the couch watching her, wondering how in the hell this is going to work. This is just one more ticking time bomb I have no escape plan for. I’m winging life by the seat of my pants, and eventually, I know everything is going to blow up in my face.
For now, I try to ignore my growing anxiety, and I watch Phoenix chase shadows around Mike’s living room, sniffing every nook and every corner.
When he calls me, I answer on the second ring. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he says, and my heart does that thing it always does lately when I hear his voice—it aches, like it’s not sure if it wants to open up or shut down. “Sorry I missed your call. I was lugging my stuff up the stairs to my new hotel room. The elevator in this place is scary as shit.”
“What floor are you on?”
“Six,” he says, and I relax with a laugh.
“You carried your suitcase up six flights of
stairs?”
“So did Shawn and Kit. Adam and Joel were the only ones dumb enough to ride that rickety elevator.”
“I bet they’re happy they did,” I tease, but Mike just laughs.
“I doubt it. They’re still stuck in there.”
“They’re stuck?” I gasp.
“The hotel has mechanics coming to get them out. The manager keeps trying to convince them it’s good luck to get stuck in that elevator.”
Through my laughter, I ask, “Shouldn’t you be keeping them company?”
“I was going to, but they yelled at everyone to shut up so they could get some sleep in there.” He yawns into the phone, and even though it’s only two o’clock in the afternoon where I am, I yawn tiredly after him. “We flew all night. Everyone’s exhausted.”
“Do you have off tomorrow?” I ask.
“I wish. We have a show tomorrow night and press the following morning, but we have the rest of the night off after that. Then we fly to Australia, and the schedule is going to get really crazy.”
“You should go see the city while you can,” I say as Phoenix sniffs at my knee. I rummage a chew toy out of the purse I dumped on Mike’s coffee table, and I toss it across the room for her.
“I miss you,” Mike replies, and I know what he’s really saying: that he’d spend his entire work-free evening talking on the phone to me if I let him.
“Go try the food so I know what to add to my food list,” I say, and he chuckles. In every city, Mike has told me what local foods he thinks I’d like, and we’ve kept a running bucket list of foods I need to try. “What country are you even in now?”
“Malaysia. Which is only ninety-five hundred miles from you.”
“Getting closer,” I say as I pull my knees up to my chest in my corner of Mike’s oversized couch. There are less than two and a half weeks until he comes home, but I still have no idea what I’m going to do when he gets here.
He still doesn’t know about Danica’s ultimatum. He has no idea that she gave me an impossible decision to make: Mike or school. Mike or my career. Mike or my future.