by A H S Salt
We all sat in silence, as the waitress placed the tray of drinks and fruit toast down in front of us.
“Enjoy guys” The young girl grinned and turned attending to tables close by. I spooned the thick foam taking a spoonful of sprinkled cocoa off my cappuccino. My eyes flickered to my brother spreading butter on Macey’s fruit toast.
“Are you fucking kidding me, that’s pathetic!” I scoffed, dropping my spoon on the table, and shaking my head at my brother, becoming infuriated with them.
“Jessica.” Cillian’s tone warned.
“What?” I shot Cillian a look, before diverting my attention to my brother.
“Well, let’s be honest here,” I said, taking a more serious approach with them “Macey doesn’t do relationships Riley, she fucks any man that will have her. Just like the other night the two men that she brought home to my apartment. Did she tell you she fucked him or did you figure that out the morning you came by to check on me?” I demanded, knowing it would hurt him if he had feelings for her, to know he’s not the only one having her.
Riley tensed up, clutching at his mug.
Then the penny dropped “Oh, my God! You have feelings for her.” I muttered, my tone laced with disappointment.
I sat and studied my brother, noticing he was avoiding the conversation; he would have walked away by now at being played, but yet he was still with her.
“But the feelings aren’t mutual,” I said, slowly trying to piece it all together, locking eyes with my brother as he looked up at me.
“They are-” Macey was quick to add, her voice was shaky as she tried to reassure herself and Riley with her words.
I observed her carefully. She was close to tears, as she sat unsure of whose side to take.
“Really?” I questioned, “Because if you had feelings for my brother, you wouldn’t be sleeping with every guy that takes your fancy - you’re nothing but a fucking slut!” I argued, scolding her with my words. I hated arguing with her, but I needed to let her know I was furious with her.
My brother gave Cillian an icy stare.
“Cillian, I advise you to take my sister and go!” Riley warned. Not in the least bit amused I had insulted Macey.
My eyes drew to Cillian putting a twenty-dollar bill down towards the check.
“Jessica! That’s enough” Cillian stood up, grabbing my arm. “Let’s go!” He firmly said, encouraging me to leave it alone.
I stood, not wanting him to be torn between me and his best friend, but needing to vent out before leaving. I yanked free from Cillian’s grip while staring my brother down.
“You two deserve each other” I growled, leaning forward. I was so worried about telling my brother about me and his best friend when all this time he was keeping a secret from me.
“I hope all the lies was worth it,” I whispered, choking back tears, as I pulled back from the table to exit the booth.
“Jessica!” Macey hollered “Your one to talk about secrets. What about your ex-boyfriend Elijah? Weren’t you planning on confronting him today?” She hollered, turning the tables on me, playing dirty with me. And there it was, her lashing of words. I knew it was overdue, she had been quiet for too long.
“Why would you want to confront your ex?” My brother called out, curious to know. I dismissed his question.
Cillian was watching me, looking just as surprised as my brother sounded. I turned at Macey’s words like someone just kicked me in the stomach. I wondered if that’s how Riley felt when I tried to hurt him with my choice of nasty words.
She stood, leaning forward with her palms flat on the table. A smug smile spread across her face.
“You’re a shallow, fucking bitch!” I snapped, people stopped to look up from their tables, to see what all the drama was about.
“Jessica, not here,” Cillian demanded as he held the door open for us to leave.
I was so damn angry.
I wanted to scream at her and tackle her to the ground. Instead, my emotions got the better of me. I ran towards Cillian’s car, gasping for air, tears streaming from the shock.
“I can’t believe they didn’t just tell me”, I said, trying to get the words out in between sobbing breaths.
Cillian lifted my chin up, kissing away my tears. “Well, at least we don’t need to worry about Riley finding out from the press.” His words had me laughing through the tears.
“I’m sorry” I sniffled “If I embarrassed you”
He brushed his thumb over my cheek
“You could never embarrass me” He sighed “I'm just sorry it didn’t go as well as I had thought it would”
The pain of arguing with my brother was too much to handle.
“Come on” Cillian held the car door open, encouraging me to sit down “Let's get out of here”
I sat in the passenger seat.
I couldn’t help but worry that I had just lost my brother and best friend all in one day. I pulled down the mirror. My Ivory skin was blotchy from crying.
I rubbed my face with my hands drying the tears away. I waited for Cillian to take his position in the driver’s seat. Still unable to grasp what had just unfolded.
“What did Macey mean? When she said, you were going to confront your ex-boyfriend?” Cillian questioned, sitting down and not taking his eyes off the busy street ahead as he clipped his seatbelt in. I sat staring at him unsure of how to approach this question.
“It’s complicated.” I managed to croak out.
“Then uncomplicated it,” He said thickly “If we’re going to have a relationship. I won’t stand for any lies” Cillian added, his tone not in the least bit amused.
I closed my eyes and braced myself for what was due to be exposed. A secret I thought I could keep hidden in my past, but it was coming back to bite me in the ass.
“Okay,” I nervously said, “But not here.” I sighed, knowing the truth would need to come out some time or another. As we drove off, I kept worrying about how I was going to tell Cillian.
It’s was early days, yet somehow, I found myself wanting to tell him everything.
Wanting a clean slate for us to start on.
1
SCANDALOUS PAST
CHAPTER 13
Cillian pulled the car into his underground car park garage, parking it along with the fleet of other expensive looking cars. We both stepped out at the same time, walking side by side.
As we entered the elevator, Cillian opened the hatch that led to the rooftop. He turned to watch me, “Somewhere safe.” He said, pulling me into him.
Wrapping my arms around him, I held tight while laying my head on his chest listening to the thumping of his heartbeat, soothing me, everything about Cillian had soothed me from how he held me, to how he would explore my body.
“Please don’t hate me,” I whispered, closing my eyes at the thought of him rejecting me from telling him what he wanted to know.
“I could never hate you,” He remarked. “No matter what you say, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here,” Somehow he was able to remain as calm as possible. Whereas, I was a nervous wreck. I was about to let him in on a dark secret that could taint our relationship before it had even begun.
When the doors opened, the only sounds that could be heard was the whistle of the wind. And the hawk-like screech of the shorebirds flying high in the cool air. We walked out onto the rooftop in uncomfortable silence. I made a beeline for the pool. Cillian casually strolled towards me.
I kicked off my converse, rolled up the bottom of my jeans then sat by the edge of the pool with my feet dangling in the water. Something about water has always calmed me. Tipping my head up back I looked up at Cillian. He stood a foot behind me with his hands in his suit trouser pockets, looking out into the distance, not actively taking in his surroundings. He was waiting for me to start explaining.
I stared vacantly at the pool.
I inhaled deeply, trying to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I was about to expose the dirty secret
that I’d managed to hide until now. With only Macey and my dad knowing the full extent, I was hoping my past would stay in the past.
The silence was becoming unbearable.
“Jessica” Cillian pressed.
I took a shaky breath in trying to ease the unsettling twisting in my stomach.
“I dated a guy named, Elijah, for two years” I finally said “He was everything I thought I wanted, but he-” I squirmed uncomfortably, trying to find the right words.
“-Did he hurt you?” Cillian asked softly, crouching beside me, he leaned in wanting to know more.
“You can trust me, Jessica.” His voice was soft and reassuring. I knew I could trust him, there was no doubt about that. The man beside me, the man I had grown up with was always caring and thoughtful, now he had a level of protectiveness towards me.
I closed my eyes “He recorded us having sex!” The words came out so fast, I practically blurted it out. I felt sick having to recall this all over again. I could remember my dad’s face like it was yesterday when I had to tell him.
Silence smothered the space between us. I turned and looked at Cillian, his head bowed and his eyes closed tight. Panic rose within me.
He had the strain look all over his face.
Just like my dad did.
“Cillian” I croaked. My hand reached for his arm. I needed him to reassure me like all the other times he had. “Please say something.”
Cillian sat by my side, pulling one shoe off at a time and his socks, placing them next to him before putting his legs into the pool. He didn’t care that his suit pants were getting soaked.
“I didn’t realize how serious it was” He replied, as he watched my feet swirl around in the pool.
“It’s okay” A sense of calmness washed over me “One less thing to worry about, I suppose” I laid my head against his shoulder. It surprisingly felt like a weight had been lifted.
He shrugged “So, you have a sex video; some people do that” Cillian said bluntly.
I straightened up and stared anxiously at him.
“It wasn’t like that” I quickly added, knowing it would have been a lot easier if it was just a private video between two people in love at the time.
“I didn’t know he was recording us having sex. Or that he had uploaded it to an adult porn site,” I explained, trying to breathe through the feeling of light headiness that was slowly forming.
Cillian pulled back away from me slightly “There’s a video of you on a porn site?” He asked in shock.
“Was a video” I said correcting him.
“I only found out after we split up. He sent me a nasty text with a link. When I clicked on it, it was me and Elijah having sex-” Cillian was quick to stop the rest of the words from coming out.
“-I don’t need to know the details, Jessica,” He muttered. He rushed a hand through his hair. It was causing him distress just listening to me.
“Fuck.” He hissed.
I sat in agonizing silence, unsure of what to do.
“Is it still on the internet for everyone to see?” He demanded to know. I was shocked he could go from having sympathy - to acting like it was my fault.
I couldn’t take it anymore, feeling ashamed, I quickly stood, and swiped my converse from the ground. I knew this was a bad idea. I was stupid for thinking he would want me after this.
“I have to go” I blurted “I’m sorry” rushing towards the elevator. My eyes brimmed with tears.
“Jessica, don’t walk away” Cillian demanded. I quickly glanced over my shoulder, his suit slacks were drenched from the knee down as he rushed towards me.
“Leave me alone!” I cried, swiping at my tears that erupted.
“You can’t just run out when things get hard. Please stop doing that,” He begged, holding me firmly at my elbows.
I shrugged from his touch “You don’t get to look at me like that Cillian!” I warned, turning to face him. He looked at me like I was trash, the moment I mentioned the sex video.
He stood gaping at me “Look at you like what?”
I closed my eyes, as my bottom lip trembled “Like I’m some dirty whore” I opened my eyes and stared up at Cillian “I’m not a whore” I whispered, in a choked voice.
He stood staring at me “I never said you were” He added, in a low voice. I frowned, more confused than ever.
“Then why act like a total dick when you thought there was a sex tape on the internet?”
“My concern was for your privacy. The thought of strangers wanking off on a video of you doesn’t sit well with me”
“So you are not angry with me? I asked.
His shoulders sagged “Jessica, of course, I’m not angry at you”
“Promise?” I whispered.
“I promise” He answered, pulling me close and planting a firm kiss on my temple. His hold was warm and comforting.
A few moments passed before any of us said anything.
“I want to show you something,” He said first, pulling back. He locked his fingers in between mine and walked us around the pool to the edge of the building. The most eye-catching rooftop garden sat hidden from view. The scent of Floribunda Roses had me inhaling and smiling at the same time. Smelling the rich plum-like notes reminded me of home. My mom being a keen gardener had a mass of Floribunda roses throughout the grounds of the family home.
I walked in a single line behind Cillian still gripping his hand lost in the beauty of a mini garden. Unaware it was here until now. Cillian turned leading us around the high wooden garden panels. Behind the silver roof vents, the thick stem of glass paneling was shoulder high. The view of the city below was even more spectacular, it allowed me to see more of the city. Alcatraz prison was clear to see across the bay. One of the famous landmarks that I begged my dad to take me often as a kid, fascinated by the criminals that, to this day are in all the history books.
“Tell me more,” He asked gently, wrapping his arms around my midriff getting a close grip on me. No doubt, so I couldn’t run out on him again. Why does that bother him so much?
“I didn’t know what to do, or who to tell. I had no other option but to go to my dad. The look on his face when I told him, his heart shattered at the thought of me being taken advantage of in such a manner.” I closed my eyes, trying to forget the saddened look, my dad had given me the night I told him everything.
Cillian said nothing. I appreciated the silence. I knew he was giving me all the time I needed to tell him.
I opened and leveled my eyes on the crashing waves in the distance and regained my composure.
“My dad got the best lawyers money could buy and managed to prevent any adult sites from having the rights to the video.” I inhaled, preparing to tell him more. “I had to go to the Police and give a full statement. I told the officers, I didn’t know that Elijah had recorded us having sex. Meaning, I didn’t give him permission. I also had the nasty text to back up my story, it proved he did it for spite”.
“So, they blocked it?” Cillian asked, leaning his face against mine, his beard brushed against my cheek.
“The courts blocked it. The judge said it was revenge porn. So, my dad’s legal team managed to get it pulled from any adult site that had it available for streaming.” I felt relieved having told him, knowing there were no more secrets to keep from him.
“Then what happened?”
“I cut all contact from Elijah. My dad uprooted me. He rents my new apartment under a different name so that Elijah wouldn’t find me. That was, until yesterday.” I replied.
Cillian pulled me around to face him.
“What happened yesterday?” He asked, his face looking seriously worried.
“White lilies were sent to my apartment. The only person that sent them to me was Elijah. Which can only mean one thing”
“He now knows where you live” Cillian muttered.
I nodded then said, “That’s why I have to confront him once and for all.”
Cillian’s eyebr
ows rose in shock at my confession, he backed up, with one hand on his waist as the other ran through his hair. “Jess, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me? You can’t go and confront the man that took advantage of you,” He stressed.
Rattled “I can’t live my life in fear of him either! I’m done running and hiding”.
“Have you told anyone?” He asked, staring at me intensely waiting for an answer.
“Only Macey knows”
He made a sound similar to a grunt “Of course she does”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I scoffed, he was bitter at the mention of my best friend.
He held his hands up refusing to argue “Nothing” He sighed.
I stood, glaring “No. come on” I demanded, dropping my converse and crossing my arms “You obviously have a problem with my best friend”
His face twisted “I have the problem?” He tossed his arm out in frustration “She was the one who brought strange men to your apartment”
“She fucked up” I admitted “She was drunk,” I said defensively.
He shook his head “And that makes up for the fact she put you in danger? What’s stopping her from inviting your ex into your apartment if he shows up at your front door?”
My eyes blazed with anger “She wouldn’t do that”
“No?” He snapped back “Well I didn’t see her running to your aid when that sick fuck had you pinned to the floor!”
I was about to argue and set him straight but his stern gaze didn’t soften, it was clear he didn’t understand. I grabbed my converse and rushed past him, making my way towards the elevator.
He tugged at me to stop “Jess!”
“Cillian” I pushed him away “I can’t handle this on top of everything else”
“Stop” He urged.
I threw my hands up, as frustration took over.
“You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do” I was damned if I was going to confront one man, to replace him with another who wanted to control me.