by A H S Salt
He opened his arms as if expecting me to run and embrace him “Come back to me, Jessie. I promise I’ll never do anything to hurt you ever again”. His delight in trying to lure me back with his mind games had me seething. I had feared him all this time. I wasn’t willing to leave without telling him exactly what I thought of him.
“Stop!” I demanded, “You are pathetic!” I snapped. He slowly dropped his arms and stood with a threatening stare.
“Jessie -” He snarled.
I cut him off “Don’t Jessie me” I simply had enough.
I walked straight up to him, my face inches from his. I was unable to help myself. I had the urge to chip away at him as he did to me for those long two years. I couldn’t help but lash out at him, involving Cillian in my argument. I knew letting him know who Cillian was to me would do the trick. He had to know someone else was prepared to accept the love I had to offer.
“So, you wanna know who he is?” I whispered harshly.
“He’s Cillian Claremont, and you’re not half the man he is! Cillian is the man that you never were and guess what? - he’s all mine!” I had the pleasure of telling him. I pulled back slightly just to watch his reaction. I wasn’t disappointed either.
His face twisted at my words.
An even bigger smile rose over my face, having gotten the pleasure of standing up to the bully that had me scared for so long. It was short-lived, I should have known better than to test his temper.
I had no time to react before I knew it his hands quickly gripped my arms, so tight I cried in pain.
Pushing me back, he forced me up against the door.
My throat tightened and my eyes brimmed with tears. I squirmed and tried to pull free from his clutches. The harder I tried to pull away, the tighter his grip got.
Taunt. Argue. Fight. Sex.
That was the order it used to play out when we dated. This is what he got off on. Sick fuck!
“Let me go!” I whimpered, trying my best to pull out of his hold. His face was inches from mine as he inhaled deeply, his nose skimmed my neck as he savored every moment of me.
“Mmm, you still wash with the same chocolate scented body wash” He noted.
Somehow the girl he had molded to fear him, was standing before him yet again.
Tears cascaded down my cheeks.
“Please, stop” I whimpered.
Elijah grabbed me closer to him “He doesn’t care about you” He snarled, ignoring my pleas.
I closed my eyes willing the tears to stop.
“You’re lying” I whimpered, I refused to believe him. I knew Cillian. I knew in my heart he was everything I wanted in my life. He’s honest, kind and loyal. There is nothing sinister about Cillian.
Elijah shook me violently “It’s all lies. He only wants one thing” He slammed me up against the door. Pain shot through me. My heart pounded hard against my chest, as I stood fearing for my safety.
Sobs clawed at my throat as his lips skimmed along my jawline.
“That’s all your good for. You are nothing but a whore” He growled “My whore!” He bit out tormenting me.
“Just let me go. Elijah” I pleaded once more. My bad girl persona had suddenly been replaced with the old insecure Jessica.
I had arrived to confront him feeling sure that I could once and for all stand up and allow my voice to be heard - only to end up feeling weak and confused.
Come on Jessica you can do this! My inner bitch was encouraging me to keep going. I can do this, I had to do this for Cillian and myself.
I kept my eyes shut. Refusing to succumb to his mind games.
“You think you can leave me, and get away with it? You will be mine one way or another!” His words were a warning. A warning that I wasn’t willing to wait around to find out. I opened my eyes, focusing on Elijah with a hatred look.
With every ounce of strength I had, I yanked and pulled free from his tight grip.
Making a stand and watching his shocked reaction at me moving so rapidly, I pressed my hands to his chest, and pushed him away from me, not once but twice.
“You’re nothing to me!” I stepped closer “You can’t hurt me anymore. My feelings for Cillian are a hell of a lot stronger than any I ever had for you! Do you understand me? You mean nothing to me, Elijah,” I said, taunting him, hoping to cause pain just like he had unleashed on me.
“It’s me that you belong with” He angrily snapped, jabbing his index finger against his chest.
“No,” I said, shaking my head, standing my ground “I belong with Cillian. So, leave me the fuck alone!” He staggered back, having not expected me to be so bold. In all the time I had known Elijah, he never once had that lost look etched over his face as he had at that moment.
I gave him one last pitiful look before I turned and made my way out onto the street. Putting an end to the games he enjoyed playing. I didn’t dare look back, I forced myself to keep my composure.
I glanced back and forth at the traffic, before running across. I dashed straight to my car, my hands were shaking uncontrollably as I opened the door.
I sank into the driver’s seat and rushed my trembling hands over my face.
I wanted to sob my heart out, release all that pain that followed from our toxic relationship - only I felt numb and confused. I was sure he would have put up a bigger fight, he always was the argumentative one that added a little temper to keep the old Jessica in line. Something I hadn’t told my dad, the news of the sex tape being leaked was enough for him to deal with - he didn’t need to know his daughter had allowed a man to take his frustrations out on her.
Maybe standing up to Elijah was all I had to do - If I had known it was going to be that easy. I would have done it a lot sooner.
For the first time in a long time, I felt relieved. I felt free as a bird.
Pulling away into the traffic, I couldn’t help but sing with build-up emotion to the song that came on the radio - Kesha – Praying.
It could not have been timed any better.
It was just what I needed to hear.
Listening to the heartbreaking pain in her voice gave me goosebumps. Just like Kesha - I had to endure the pain and punishment from someone that should have had my best interest at heart.
I wasn’t ready to go home just yet. I decided I would stop by Oval nightclub since I was only a short drive away. I was still singing along to each song that came on the radio, passers-by must have thought I was crazy when I stopped at traffic lights. I didn’t care, I felt a sudden sense of freedom.
I knew it could only get better from here on out.
My past was finally in the past. Cillian was my future. No more Elijah stalking from the shadows and no more having to look over my shoulder.
When I pulled up to the club, I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. Slamming the driver door shut, I parked my car in the alleyway behind Cillian’s Jaguar XF.
I pulled on the handles of the club doors and jumped two steps at a time not having a care in the world. I pushed past the frosted doors at the bottom, allowing me entry to the club floor. It was different looking during the day - it was packed with clubbers most nights to the point you could hardly even move. There was no sign of anyone on the floor or behind the bar. The main lights were switched on, lighting up the main dance floor. It was usually all colored beams that darted all over the floor and walls when it was packed with customers. I casually made my way through the dance floor stretching my arms straight out, turning in circles embracing the space, giggling as I made myself dizzy just getting lost in myself.
“You must be Jessica?” A man’s voice had me abruptly stopping, trying to gain focus. Suddenly, becoming shy at someone having witnessed my inner child coming out to play.
“Hi,” I croaked, brushing my hair behind my ear.
“I’m David,” He said, introducing himself. He walked towards me offering a handshake. He was older, perhaps in his late- Fifties. He sported the typical biker look, his long Grayish beard
matching his Gray hair that had been tied in a knot. He wore a Black Rolling Stones T-shirt, Blue jeans with a chain attached to them.
I smiled, as I shook his hand “Nice to meet you, David.
“I’ve heard a lot about you, Jessica,” He said casually.
I raised my brows “All good I hope” I said with a smile.
“Nothing but good things” He seemed vacant for a second. “I’ve never seen Cillian this happy. He needs someone like you in his life” He eventually said, taking it to a new level of personal.
I frowned “Someone like me?” I questioned.
He nodded “Yeah” He answered. “Someone that sees him for the man he is” His eyes flickered around the room “And not for what he has”.
I knew exactly what he meant.
“I’m not dating Cillian for his money, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I said, just to clarify.
He looked at me as a smile reached his eyes “That’s why I know you’re a keeper” He noted.
I stood nervously rubbing my fingers together, as my arms rested by my side, unsure of what to do or say next. It had gone from meeting each other for the first time to Cillian’s private life.
David held a walkie-talkie up to his mouth.
“Cillian, come in.” I stared at him, my brows creasing at their choice of communication.
“David?,” Cillian replied, though some static.
“You might want to look down onto the dance floor, we have a wild one.” He smiled then winked before he walked towards the back of the room going out of view from me and heading into the office that was at the back of the bar.
I looked up to the tinted windows that kept Cillian's man cave from prying eyes, wondering if he saw me getting lost on his dance floor.
“You were supposed to stay at your apartment” He chided. He fixed his solemn gaze on me.
“I was bored” I lied, making my way toward him. I didn’t waste time.
“David and you seem to be close” I tiptoed up and kissed him on the cheek.
“He’s family to me” Cillian simply added, gazing over my shoulder, ignoring me. That made sense as to why David jumped to such a personal conversation.
I pulled back to stare at him “Don’t I get a kiss?” I asked, frowning. I couldn’t help but notice he was standoffish towards me. I was so used to him pulling me close to hold. To touch.
Only I was greeted with coldness.
“I’m not in the mood” He snapped, still avoiding my gaze. I stared at him, totally surprised at his response.
Fuck this! I couldn’t handle his mood.
I exhaled in a rush “I need a drink,” I announced, walking towards the bar, in desperate need of something strong that could numb the shock from confronting Elijah. The adrenaline was wearing off quickly. I could feel my body tremble from the aftershocks of earlier. Goldschlager that would do the trick.
1
SCANDALOUS PAST
CHAPTER 19
Cillian’s jaw clenched tight, pulsating. While he stood staring at me with a cold gaze, from the customer side of the bar. His day couldn’t have gone any better than mine, by the looks of it.
I’ve never seen him look at me like he hated me.
I had no idea what I had done wrong.
“You look like you could use one.” I sighed, wondering if his day could match mine.
Hoping he would join me. I poured two Goldschlagers, causing some spillage as I eagerly filled them to the brim.
I lifted one gulping it down, hoping it would work to stop the shock. The cinnamon notes burned as I swallowed, the back of my hand pushed up against my mouth forcing it to stay down. It felt like my throat was ablaze, but I didn’t want anything else. If anything, it was my way of punishing myself for being so stupid thinking I could confront Elijah, without him getting off on what he had done.
“I know.” Cillian broke his silence, tilting the clear liquid around in his shot glass, having only consumed half of it.
He was unable to look at me.
Confusion washed over me as I tried to figure out what he was talking about.
One of my eyebrows grew higher than the other “Know what?” I asked, forcing myself to put on a smile, and to push past my shock from earlier, trying to keep calm.
His eyes lifted from his shot, offering nothing but a low fool chuckle as if I had insulted him. I watched nervously as he downed the rest of his shot before slamming the glass down. I made my way to Cillian, wanting him to hold me. I knew his touch was what I needed to make me feel safe.
Hoping at the same time, my touch would calm his mood.
“Can’t a girl come by and keep her man company?” I said, tightening my arms around him, and resting my cheek on his chest. I had hoped the vibration that had lingered in my body from Elijah’s touch wouldn’t be sensed.
“If only that was the truth” He murmured in my hair.
I closed my eyes tightly “It is!” I whispered, lying to him.
“Stop lying to me, Jessica!” He said coldly.
I took a shaky breath “I’m not lying”
“I know you went to see Elijah.” He said tightly.
His words froze me to the core. I glanced up and was met with an expression that gave nothing away.
“What..?” I mumbled, after an awkward pause “What are you talking about?” Attempting to keep calm but failing miserably. The fogginess of him speaking Elijah’s name had panic setting in.
“I know you went to see him” He replied, his tone laced with bitterness. I pulled away, staggering backward.
Cillian instinctively reached out to keep me from falling over.
“Don’t” struggling to keep my voice calm “Where you following me?” I looked at him, holding my breath. Hoping it wasn’t true.
Hoping he hadn’t witnessed what I had endured.
Feeling like the room was spinning, I reached my hands out to grip onto the bar.
“I had men at Elijah’s studio. I wanted to be the first point of contact, in case he left to try and find you” He said, “But it turned out you found him first.” His tone got louder, as he scolded me.
I could feel him directly behind me.
Judging me. How did he even know where to find Elijah?
I hadn’t told him.
It didn’t matter.
I needed to prove my innocence either way. Close to tears, I spun around “It’s not what you think. I ̶” I stuttered, unable to find the words to reassure him, to prove to him that I didn’t go to get back with Elijah or anything in that sense.
He cut me off “-Jessica!” He stalked closer, his eyes blazing with anger “I told you to stay at the apartment. That I was going to pick you up. However, you ran straight to the beast that exposed you for the whole world to see. How could you be so stupid!” He stiffened then stepped back as I went to touch him.
Hurt and confused “Cillian… I’m sorry, I had to confront him. He has no control over me anymore.” I rushed, trying my best to reassure him that Elijah meant nothing to me. I wanted to cry at how much pain I had caused Cillian. He looked to have lost everything that he had always wanted.
“I saw you! You let him touch you, lean into you! Did you like what he whispered to you? Was he telling you he loved you?” He blurted out defensively.
Shaking my head, my brows drew closer “No... It wasn’t like that” I assured.
“From what I saw you and Elijah looked pretty cozy” He scowled.
I took a shaky breath “Cillian, I swear on my life nothing happened”
Confusion surged through me “Wait! What do you mean you saw?” I demanded to know.
“To keep you safe, I make it my business to know everything!” He said, raising his brow.
No way was I willing to inform him how Elijah had found me. That was something I was willing to keep to myself. If this is how he reacts to me confronting my ex, how would he react to finding out Elijah had followed Macey to get to me?
His h
and reached into his pocket, and he pulled his phone out. He scrolled over his touch screen before stepping forward and placing it on the bar.
I stared at him before turning my attention to the phone.
It was video footage of me arriving at Elijah’s photography studio. I watched, having to recall the pain and fear I had not long ago endured. I swallowed past the choking lump in my throat. My hands gripped the bar. My stomach twisted at what I was watching. Cillian had watched what looked like intense chemistry. Elijah pushing me up against the door and leaning into me looked like he was kissing me from the angle his men had been recording the footage.
However, unbeknown to him it wasn’t passion, it was rage Elijah was expressing.
I had only gone to confront him, not make out with him. My gaze wandered to Cillian. He turned away refusing to watch anymore. If he saw everything, then he would have seen me standing up to Elijah.
“Cillian look,” I asked urgently, I held the phone up trying to get his attention.
“I don’t need to be reminded of the way you let him touch you, Jessica.” He said, his tone tight with tension. He raked his hand through his hair, trying to hold back his anger.
Tears streamed down my face.
“If you watched like you said you did, you would have seen this.” I swiped at my face, wiping away the tears. Pausing the video, I held his phone up, waiting for him to take over. I was sure he hadn’t been able to watch it all the way through. If it was him and another girl I wouldn’t have been able to either.
I would have been plagued with jealousy.
It must have felt like I had abandoned him, just like his mother did all those years ago. He turned and glanced at the phone, then back to me. I pushed it closer needing him to see it.
“Please look,” I begged “It’s not what it looks like” I had to prove to him, I wanted no one but him. Show him that I wouldn’t risk losing what we had. He hesitated for a few seconds before accepting his phone back, willing to watch the video.
His jaw clenched until the very end, I could see how it looked, but I needed him to see it wasn’t in the way that he had thought. There was no lost love what so ever. I hated Elijah, standing up to him was my way of breaking all ties with him. Finally breaking free from the hold he had over me.