by Linda Ford
She was Sadie Young, schoolteacher. She would care for these children as long as she could. Pain shafted through her innards. Her knees wavered. Never would she have a family of her own, a love of her own. A man who cherished her. The selfish, vile act of a family friend had made that impossible for her. No man would want her even if she could bring herself to ever trust a man to treat her decently.
Beth came from the bedroom. “She’s finally asleep.” She took up a towel and began to dry dishes. “It’s hard for her to understand what’s happened to us.”
Sadie’s hands grew still. This was the most Beth had ever said about their situation. She slowly faced the girl.
Sadie thought the dish Beth dried got more attention than it required. The studied indifference was so familiar it tore at Sadie’s heart. Lord, please give me the right words.
“Do you mean your mama’s death?”
Beth nodded, still not looking at Sadie.
“Honey, I am so sorry about you losing your mama.” She caught Beth’s shoulders to turn her toward her. Beth kept her gaze on Sadie’s throat. “Do you know where we can find your father?”
Beth’s eyes jerked upward, collided with Sadie’s. She opened her mouth. Snapped it shut. But before she turned back to the dishes, Sadie saw something in her eyes that made her shiver. Fear. Stark fear.
“Beth, where is he?”
She shrugged.
Sadie knew she would not get another word out of her. Sammy had slipped inside a moment ago, quietly so as to not draw attention to himself. She glanced toward him. He sat with his back pressed to the side of the cot, his eyes wide and watchful. “Papa is—”
Beth spun around so fast the towel flapped about her waist. “Sammy, no.”
Sammy clamped his lips together and nodded.
Sadie studied the pair. What were they hiding? What were they afraid of? “I hope you both know you can trust me.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Sammy mumbled.
“Beth?” Sadie prodded. “You do know that, don’t you?”
Beth nodded but refused to look at Sadie or speak a word.
“Just don’t forget.” The dishes were done. “It’s time to do some lessons.”
Sammy protested, but Beth seemed eager for anything that made further conversation about her father difficult. Sadie soon discovered the girl read well. At least her education hadn’t been neglected.
Throughout the evening, Sadie found a degree of forgetfulness in the ordinary things of life—listening to Sammy and Beth read, preparing lessons for the next day, getting ready for bed. Even in her usual practice of reading her Bible and silently praying—her prayers encompassing the children in her care and each of her students—she found solace.
But as soon as she turned out the lamp and lay in the dark, her thoughts ran rampant. She thought about Logan and his probing questions. Logan and his steadfast belief in the goodness of family. Logan and his gentle touch. Her hand went to her shoulder, where his fingers had warmed her. And—she added with a silent wail—had made her want to run into his arms.
She slowed her breathing. She knew she could never expect shelter in a man’s arms. She was used and soiled. Instead, she must focus on protecting these children and accepting Logan’s help only on their behalf.
Until they could discover what had happened to Mr. Weiss and until she could learn the truth about his relationship with his children, she must see Logan every day and every day remind herself that she could not accept comfort or expect understanding from him.
Armed with determination, girded with the acceptance of who she was, she made it through the next two days without speaking to Logan about anything except the children. And even those conversations she kept to a minimum. It was relatively easy so long as she kept busy with a myriad of tasks.
Lessons to prepare, homework to supervise, clothes to alter for the girls. She’d have to sew something for Sammy soon. His two shirts were threadbare. And he still managed to change without letting her see his back, which only served to increase her suspicions. Then there were meals to prepare, the rooms to tidy and the classroom to keep clean and organized. After school, she took Beth and Jeannie to the classroom in an attempt to avoid contact with Logan. Sammy stayed with the man despite Beth’s order to accompany them.
“I’m learning my job,” he claimed.
Sadie often felt Logan’s gaze on her, knew he wondered if she purposely avoided him, but she dared not look at him, or try to explain. It would take only one touch from him and she’d forget to guard her secret. Not only would she suffer for such a lapse, she feared what would become of the children. As soon as the townspeople realized she was an unsuitable woman she would lose her job and the children would be taken away.
Friday, Logan showed up as usual, in time to be there before Sadie left for school. He didn’t go directly to work. Instead, he stopped at the living quarters and leaned against the door frame as she gathered up her books in preparation for crossing the street and spending the day with her students.
She darted a glance his direction. “Did you need something?” She grabbed at a pencil that rolled away.
“An answer.”
Her heart stalled. The children were all outside, providing her no protection from his probing look. Was he remembering his question as to what had happened in her family to make her so jaded? She stalled for time by rearranging her books several times. When she thought she could speak calmly, she said, “An answer to what?”
“I’m sorry if I offended you and that’s the reason you are avoiding me.”
“Oh, but you haven’t offended me.” Frightened me, yes, offended, no.
“Then give me a reason.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. But despite her slowed breathing, her heartbeat hammered in her head. A reason? Where would she begin? He’d never understand her pain, because he had a loving supportive family. Still, she ached to tell him because he showed concern. Because his touch was gentle and inviting. And…she silently wailed…because he stood for something she had never had and never would have.
“I’ve been busy trying to take care of these children and teach my students.”
“What can I do to help ease your burden?”
“It isn’t a burden. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Would it help to talk?”
Something inside Sadie’s chest opened like petals on a blossom, welcoming sunshine, rain and new life. To be heard. To be understood. To be comforted. Yes. Yes. It would help to talk.
But no. No one must ever know. The knowledge would destroy her.
He continued as if she’d answered in the affirmative. “I’ll come over after school and help you clean the classroom. We can talk as we work.”
She grabbed at the petals’ edges, trying to bring them back into the tight knot she must keep. “The children—”
“Will be okay. Beth is very responsible.” His laugh was short and mirthless. “She’ll likely welcome some time away from us. Me, especially.”
Sadie glanced at the clock. She did not have time to discuss this, to make him change his mind, or she would be late. “Fine.” She stepped outside. “Come on, Sammy.”
Sammy trotted ahead of her across the street. Sammy usually ignored her during school hours. She understood his need to put distance between them in the classroom. But when he stopped at the door and held it for her to enter, an unfamiliar joy filled her heart. She tousled his hair. “Thank you.”
“Aw. It’s nothing. I just remember how Ma told me I should always be a gentleman.”
“She would be proud of you.”
Grinning, he went through the room and out the back door and joined the others who had gathered to play before school began.
Mrs. Weiss would be proud of her children. She’d also be concerned for their well-being. “I’ll protect them,” Sadie whispered. Even if it meant opposing Logan. He would be expecting some answers when he showed up after school. And she could n
ot provide them. How was she to divert him?
She pondered the question throughout the day without reaching a satisfying answer. She couldn’t tell him the truth and her conscience would not allow her to lie, which left her floundering for other topics. The hours alternately raced by like a runaway wagon or slowed to a crawl like the wagon had hit a bog.
Emily put up her hand and Sadie acknowledged her. “Miss Young, it’s ending time.”
She glanced at the clock. “Indeed, it is.” She couldn’t hold the children back. “Put away your books and you may go. Have a good weekend.”
The children left in a flurry. Sammy paused at the doorway. “You coming?”
That would provide the perfect escape, but she couldn’t bring herself to take that route. “No, I want to clean the room.” She remained behind the desk, her fingers tightly twined as Sammy left. She was sitting there when Logan strode in, his blond hair uncovered and his blue eyes bright. As always, he gave the impression that all was right in his world. Likely it was.
He crossed to stand in front of her.
She felt his study of her and kept her gaze on the desktop.
“Hard day?”
She shook her head. “Not particularly.”
“It’s been days since we’ve had a chance to talk about the children.”
Avoiding him, except when surrounded by others, had made such conversations impossible. “They seem to be settling in well.” Or was she only hoping it was so? She lifted her eyes to his. “Don’t you agree?”
His smile was so gentle, so warm, it tipped her heart sideways. “Jeannie is turning into a little chatterbox despite Beth’s best efforts to make her stay away from me. And Sammy is eager to learn. He’s an energetic child.” Logan’s smile flattened. “Beth remains distant.” He leaned against the closest table. “The two little ones are happy, outgoing children. But Beth—” He shook his head, finding her a puzzle.
Sadie got to her feet so she could meet Logan’s eyes without tipping her head back so far. “Every time their father is mentioned, both she and Sammy grow very tight-lipped. I’m sure they are hiding something. But what?” Besides the harshness of an abusive father? “Could Mr. Weiss be running from the law?”
“I never considered that possibility, but whatever is delaying the man, I intend to discover the reason and return him to his children. I asked Jesse to inquire about Mr. Weiss,” he said, mentioning the sheriff who seemed almost part of the Marshall family. “I wonder if he’s learned anything.”
There was nothing Sadie could say. Logan had repeatedly stated his intention. She could only pray that the truth would be revealed and the children protected.
She looked around the room. Friday afternoons meant giving the place a good cleaning.
Logan studied the room, too. “I didn’t realize how dark it is in here.” Two small windows let in a limited amount of light.
“I leave the back door open when the weather is nice enough.” But too often a cold wind made her choose the gloom over the penetrating chill of early spring.
Logan pushed to his feet. “What needs to be done?”
She directed the moving of all the furniture to one side of the room so the floor could be properly cleaned. Logan grabbed the broom and started sweeping before she could protest. She got water and a rag and washed off the tables. As soon as Logan was done sweeping, he moved the furniture to the other side in order to do the other half of the room. The floor clean, she and Logan arranged the tables and chairs back in order, then she tidied and dusted the shelves while he washed the windows until they glistened.
“Soon you’ll be in the new schoolhouse with lots of windows. That will make your days more pleasant.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” Except for one thing. Logan would no longer have a reason to be in town. She admitted she would miss his company and his support even though she rejected it so thoroughly.
“What will you do when you’re finished at the school?” she said.
He paused in his task and stared out the polished window. She waited, wondering what had taken his thoughts away from where he stood.
He stepped back from the window and ran his rag along the top of the nearby boxes. “I’ve neglected my family long enough. Pa wants me to check on the line cabins. Conner has a horse he wants help with. I told Annie I would put up another clothesline for her, and Grandfather is feeling ignored.”
Sadie ducked her head, unable to watch the determination in his every move. He talked like he was the only one who could do any of those things, but one thing was clear—his family would always come first. Even before a wife? It was a silly question and why did it matter to her?
A little later they completed their tasks and came face-to-face.
“Are we done?” he asked.
She looked about the room. “It looks good. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, but I’m afraid we’ve failed to complete the task.”
“Really.” She gave the room another look, searching for missed corners and saw none. “What didn’t we do?”
“We didn’t talk about how you are doing. This morning you were about to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me.”
No, she wasn’t. “How can you say that when you are there every day?” And had stayed for supper more than once. She wasn’t about to admit to anyone, including herself, how lonely the last two suppers had been without him even though Beth said it was nice not to have “that man” staring at her. Sammy had countered with a lament that it didn’t seem fair that he was the only man at the table with Logan gone. And Jeannie had started her evening whining earlier than usual. But she couldn’t tell him any of that. Couldn’t make him think they’d all missed him.
They stood too close and she should have realized it sooner. Now it was too late as he laid his hand on her shoulder. “People can breathe the same air, sit at the same table, even tend the same children and still avoid each other, even worse, avoid being honest with one another.”
His words, spoken so firmly, brought her about to look into his stormy eyes.
“Are you speaking from experience?”
He nodded.
“You were married?” she whispered, unable to comprehend the possibility.
“Not me. Dawson. His first wife made his life miserable.”
Sadie knew Dawson was a widower. His daughter, Mattie, was one of her students. Her friend, Isabelle, had married the man.
Logan’s hand still rested on Sadie’s shoulder and it seemed he sought something from her. What did he want? Honesty? She could not give him that. Instead, she turned her thoughts to what his words revealed about himself.
“You sound like you’ve had experience with a dishonest person other than your sister-in-law.”
He didn’t say yes or no, but his eyes told her the answer.
“But how can that be? Your family is so—” She struggled for the right word. “Morally upright. They have such high standards.” Something that left her groveling at their feet.
“I’ve made my mistakes. Mostly in trusting people outside my family.”
She waited, willing him to continue.
“Women.” His voice grew hard. “Women who let me believe they were one thing when they were something entirely different.”
“Different? How?” Her voice sounded from a hollow spot inside. He could well be speaking about her.
“There was Nola Mae, who led me to think she was a sweet young girl. I let myself believe her even though she refused to attend church and tried to get me to do things I wasn’t comfortable doing. When she wanted to go to Wolf Hollow I followed her, thinking she needed my protection.” His words were sour as green apples. “She only wanted to dangle me along while she enjoyed time in the company of other men.”
Sadie’s cheeks burned as she understood his meaning. “And when you discovered her secret, what did you do?”
“I got a job in a mine and tried to work day and night to forget it. I might have killed myse
lf doing that except Pa and Conner came and persuaded me to come home. I was so ashamed I would have refused, but they said Ma wasn’t well. I went home, my tail between my legs. Ma hugged me and told me to forgive myself. I found healing in the bosom of my family and promised Ma I would be more careful who I courted in the future.”
Sadie could see how he fought against self-accusation, but she struggled with envy that his family had welcomed him home and forgone judging him.
“I thought I was smart enough to know when a woman was sincere, but I soon found out I wasn’t.” He told about meeting a girl when she and her mother moved into the boardinghouse. “Paula. She was pretty and sweet, came to church with me, met my family and charmed them.”
To Sadie, this girl sounded ideal and she wondered why Logan spoke with such bitterness.
“Then one day there was a robbery at the store where Grandfather and Pa kept the payroll after it came in on the stage. There were four riders with bandannas over their faces, but I recognized Paula.” He shook his head. “I convinced myself I was mistaken. But she had disappeared at the same time. Jesse and my pa and a posse tracked down the thieves and they ended up in the territorial prison.”
“You were wrong about Paula?” She meant he was mistaken in thinking he recognized the girl.
“So very wrong. She had befriended me in order to learn about the payroll. What’s more, she was married to one of the men.” He’d taken her question to mean he was wrong about who Paula really was and what she wanted. His pain twisted his features.
She pressed her hand to his arm. “That’s terrible. You poor man.”
He shifted and her hand fell to her side. Heat raced up her neck. She’d been too bold and he had objected.
His gaze moved away and his jaw muscles clenched and unclenched. “I thought I would be disowned by my family, but they didn’t even blame me. They said they had been as mistaken about her as I had.” His look came to her, blue as lightning, making her take a step back. “So I guess you can see why I think family is so important and why people need to be given a chance even when they make mistakes.”