And now, staring up at his scowling face, I said to him, ‘Joseph the Carpenter!’
His eyes suddenly narrowed up as he squinted and stared in bewilderment.
I said, ‘You’re not Gonzo! You’re just Norman Gorman from Failsworth!’
He cocked his head to one side, looking a bit wary now as he said, ‘And who the fuck are you?’
‘Raymond Marks!’ I said. ‘I used to live in Failsworth. You were in the top class at Binfield Road Juniors when I was in class eight.’
He stared at me for what seemed ages. Then some of the other kids started getting impatient and urging him to gob me one and reminding him about his traumatised turnips. But Norman Gorman just kept staring at me, like he was trying to work something out. Then this look started to spread across his face, like he’d just solved something. And he pointed at me then as he said, ‘You’re him, aren’t y’? After me an’ Twink had left Binfield fuckin’ Road. You’re that fuckin’ kid! With the flies an’ that! The flytrapping kid! That was fuckin’ you, wasn’t it?’
He was stilI pointing at me. I didn’t know what to say! I didn’t want anybody to know, not about the fly-trapping. But then Norman Gorman said, ‘The flytrappin’ game! That was fuckin’ brilliant that was!’
I just looked at him. But he was smiling now and staring at me with a sort of awestruck admiration. And he said, ‘Fuckin’ hell, man! When me an’ Twink heard about that, we couldn’t fuckin’ move. Twink was jealous as shit when he heard about that flytrapping. He said why didn’t he think of it because it was fuckin’ brilliant, man, solid fuckin’ brilliant. Twinky said, “The kid who thought that up, they should have given him the Duke of Fuckin’ Edinburgh Award.” ’
Norman Gorman shook his head. ‘And that was you, wasn’t it?’ he said.
That’s when I cautiously began to nod. But then Ambrose McFadden said, ‘So aren’t y’ gonna gob him one then, Gonzo?’
Norman Gorman looked at me. And then he said, ‘Gob him?’ He smiled then. And turning to Ambrose McFadden he said, ‘Course I’m not gonna gob him, y’ fuckin’ window-licker!’
He pointed at me and he said, ‘Raymond Marks! Fuckin’ legend! I’m not gonna gob a legend just for a few fuckin’ turnips. And not when he didn’t get the Duke of Edinburgh Award or nowt, did y’?’
I shook my head. And Norman said, ‘No, that’s fuckin’ right!’ And then he turned to the others and he said, ‘Got bounced, right. Got bounced out that fuckin’ junior school, he did.’
Norman turned to me then and he said, ‘Didn’t y’, Raymond?’
I nodded again. And that’s when Norman took a step towards me, put his arm around my shoulder and started telling everybody, ‘Me and Raymond here, we’re fuckin’ soul brothers. We both got fuckin’ griefed up by that bastard new headmaster at Binfield Road. That’s why I ended up here with all you fuckin’ plantpots and window-lickers, because of that fuckin’ headmaster. Me and fuckin’ Raymond here. We both of us got bollocksed by that same bastard.’
It was funny, standing there in the middle of that crowd with Norman Gorman telling all the others about it as if him and me had been oppressed people who’d suffered at the hands of the same regime. It felt sort of nice really. But then some kid at the back said, ‘So what the fuck was it then, this flytrappin’?’
But fortunately I didn’t have to answer because Norman Gorman said, ‘Flytrappin’! Fuckin’ brilliant, right. You get your knob out, OK, somewhere outside. And it’s sort of like fuckin’ fishin’, right. But instead of a fuckin’ fishing rod, you’re using your knob!’
I couldn’t believe Norman Gorman was saying this! There were even a few girls there and some of them were shrieking and screaming with scandalised laughter. But Norman just took no notice and carried on, telling everybody, ‘Right! So you’ve got your knob out, all right. And what you do, right, is fuckin’ hold back the skin, the foreskin, so it’s just your knob-end sticking out.’
One of the more sceptical kids in the crowd piped up then and said, ‘Aah, that’s just wanking!’
‘It fuckin’ isn’t!’ Norman declared. ‘Because if it was wankin’, you fuckin’ window-licker, you’d be moving your fuckin’ hand up and down, wouldn’t y’? But y’ fuckin’ don’t move your hand, that’s the fuckin’ point. You’ve gotta be dead fuckin’ still! Like a fuckin’ bomb-disposal fucker. Y’ daren’t fuckin’ move a muscle because if there’s the slightest fuckin’ tremor in your knob, the fly knows and it’s fuckin’ off then, quick, before y’ can trap it. So y’ wait there, like a fuckin’ statue, not moving, dead fuckin’ still, waitin’, knob in hand, waitin’.’
Norman Gorman was sort of acting it out for them all now, stood there dead still like he was a statue himself. And all the kids were staring at him just like little kids, spellbound and listening like it was Jackanory or something. Norman Gorman lowered his voice almost to a whisper then as he told them, ‘Then … y’ fuckin’ hear it, don’t y’ …’ He started looking at the air all around him and some of the other kids even looked as well as he said, ‘Dead fuckin’ faint at first … but it’s fuckin’ there all right, it’s coming, because y’ can hear it … bzzzzz … bzzzzz … bzzzz and it’s fuckin’ gettin’ nearer now an’ y’ can fuckin’ see it so y’ all fuckin’ excited but still y’ can’t move or it’ll be off again. Bzzzz … bzzzz … bzzzzzz … it’s fuckin’ getting louder because it’s getting nearer. And y’ can even see it now, that fuckin’ fly, buzzin’ in the air, coming towards y’; and all y’ can fuckin’ do is stand there, still not moving an inch, but praying, all the time fucking praying and coaxing it with your mind, using all your fucking powers to attract it. And then … then … it looks as though the fuckin’ fly’s moving off again …’
Norman Gorman’s face was a picture of thwarted endeavour and all around him lads began to groan and moan with disappointment.
‘But then,’ Norman suddenly said, his voice all excited now, ‘it fuckin’ turns back. The fly turns back! It’s fuckin’ headed straight for y’, like a bullet and then: FUCK OFF! It lands! Right fuckin’ smack perfect dead centre on the end of your knob! And that’s when y’ fuckin’ strike! WHACK! Fuckin’ foreskin over it! Wallop! The fuckin’ fucker’s fucked! Flytrappin’!’
Everyone started cheering and loads of lads were shouting out then and saying it sounded brilliant and Norman put his arm around my shoulder again and pointed at me as he said, ‘And Raymond fuckin’ invented that!’
They were all looking at me differently now. And some of them had started saying things like, ‘I’m gonna fuckin’ do it. I’m gonna play that game. Come on, let’s fuckin’ go ’n’ do it. Let’s go fuckin’ flytrapping.’
They started running off in all directions and some of them shouted, telling Norman Gorman, ‘Come on, Gonzo! Let’s hunt fly!’
But Norman just said, ‘Fuck off. I’m taking Raymond to see Twink.’
I just looked at him but he started leading me through what was left of the crowd as I said, ‘Twinky McDevitt?’
Norman nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘Twinky got fuckin’ sent here an’ all. It was him again, wasn’t it, that New Headmaster. It was fuckin’ him who got Twink sent here.’
Norman Gorman paused for a minute. Then he said, ‘But I fuckin’ got him, didn’t I?’
‘Who?’ I said.
‘That fuckin’ New Headmaster at Binfield Road!’
I looked up at Norman Gorman. ‘What did you do?’
Norman shrugged and he said, ‘Fuckin’ chain-sawed his conservatory to bits. Had the fuckin’ lot down inside a minute, with the bastard stood there in the middle of all the wreckage and shitting himself because he thought I was gonna start on him next and fuckin’ bacon-slice him to bits an’ all.’
I just stared at Norman Gorman. And wondered what I was doing, letting myself become involved with an extremely expletively challenged psychopath person! But I think Norman must have sensed something of what I was thinking because a frown came across his
face and his eyes looked really sheepish as we got to the school doors and he said, ‘But I wouldn’t fuckin’ ever do nowt like that now, y’ know. I fuckin’ wouldn’t, y’ know, Raymond,’ he said.
And it seemed dead important to Norman Gorman that I believed him. So I nodded and he said, ‘See, I wasn’t fuckin’ in touch with my feelings then, was I, Raymond? I was all fuckin’ confused and aggressive and violent an’ all that shit. But that was before I’d learned to get in touch with my feelings and start to fuckin’ explore my true self and fuckin’ get in touch with the child within and that, so that I didn’t just kick off an’ start going fuckin’ mental. And that’s why I’m dead fuckin’ non-confrontational nowadays,’ he said. ‘Because I’m fuckin’ empowered now! I’ve got all my strategies an’ I’m developing my fuckin’ people skills an’ conflict fuckin’ resolution an’ all that sort of shit, an’ being dead like fuckin’ articulate now; y’ know what I mean?’
I went on staring at Norman Gorman. And he was beaming a big proud smile as he pulled open the door, saying, ‘Come on then, Raymond. Fuckin’ Twink’s gonna pirouette himself stupid when he sees it’s you.’
I recognised him straight away, Twinky McDevitt. He was dancing with all the girls who did the dinnertime dancing class. Me and Norman were peeping through the door, looking through the gap in the curtains because boys weren’t allowed to go into the hall when the girls were practising their dancing. I whispered to Norman, ‘Well, how come Twinky’s allowed in there?’
Norman just shrugged and he said, ‘That’s Twink, isn’t it? If he’s gonna do something, he’s fuckin’ gonna do it. He just turned up every fuckin’ dinner hour in his tutu and his trainers and fuckin’ Miss Coppleshaw just gave up in the end and let him join in. And she was fuckin’ made up anyway because he’s the best dancer by fuckin’ miles, look.’
And Norman Gorman was right. All the girls were doing their best and some of them looked really nice, the way they moved and danced across the hall. But when you looked at Twinky McDevitt it was like you were looking at someone who belonged to the air through which he glided. Me and Norman Gorman just crouched there behind the door, peeping through the gap, watching Twinky McDevitt cutting through the air as if it were water and he a fish gliding through it.
I whispered to Norman again, ‘I thought Twinky got sent to see a psychiatrist and he wouldn’t ever dance no more after that?’
Norman nodded and kept on looking through the gap in the curtain. And it was funny really but he sniffed and quickly wiped at his eye with his hand. And just for a second I thought he might have been wiping away a tear. But then I realised that was ridiculous because this was Norman Gorman, this was Gonzo! But then he turned to me with a sort of sheepish smile on his face and he said, ‘It was me.’
‘What was?’ I said.
‘Gettin’ Twink dancin’ again,’ Norman said. ‘I fuckin’ made him do it. When I ended up here and I found him, his head all shagged up and everything by that fuckin’ psycho, it was me who made him start dancing again. Just doin’ his pirouettes at first. But then proper dancin’, fuckin’ full dancin’, look, like that.’
We both looked through the gap again.
And Norman Gorman whispered almost to himself, saying, ‘Isn’t that … fuckin’ … beautiful?’
And I knew then! I knew it was a tear that Norman Gorman had been wiping away. And I knew that Norman Gorman must be in love with Twinky McDevitt. It was like Norman must have guessed what I was thinking, because he turned and looked at me and sort of nodded. And then I did see tears in his eyes as he said, ‘I fuckin’ can’t help it. I just fuckin’ can’t.’
And that’s when I said to Norman Gorman, ‘It’s all right, Norman. In fact I think that’s very nice actually.’
And Norman beamed a big smile at me through his tears and he said, ‘I think you’re fuckin’ mint, you are, Raymond. Fuckin’ mint, mate.’
And Norman reached out and sort of cuffed me across the head all affectionately. And I almost started crying myself then; because I suddenly realised, I had a friend!
And just seconds later I had two friends. Because Twinky McDevitt was stood there, in his leotard, with a towel around his neck, his eyes all twinkling with increasing delight as Norman Gorman excitedly (and effingly) introduced me as the legendary genius flytrapping kid from Failsworth. And Twinky McDevitt just slowly shook his head as he stared in amazement and then said, ‘Sublimely sordid, disgustingly divine, outrageously outré.’ Then this big lovely smile just lit up his face as he said, ‘Hello, Fly!’
And it was just brilliant because in the space of only a couple of minutes I’d acquired two friends and a nickname. I’d never had a nickname before. But when Twinky christened me that, it just stuck and everybody called me Fly after that. And I loved it, being called Fly. Because it made me feel special. And I know that I was special when I was at Sunny Pines, when Twinky and Norman were my best friends and we were so inseparable that we became known as the Failsworth Three. Some people even got jealous and one day when me and Norman were waiting for Twinky to finish his embroidery class, Peter Pollock came past and he said, ‘Fuckin’ hell, it’s Noreen and Doreen, waiting for Maureen.’ But me and Norman just ignored him. Then Pollock said we only stuck together because we all came from Failsworth and it was well known that they were all snobby shits, people who came from Failsworth. Norman just told him to fuck off then and said the reason we did stick together was because unlike Pollock and all the other plantpots and window-lickers we were the only ones in Sunny Pines who had nowt wrong with us.
And then Pollock said, ‘Yeah! Apart from all being queers!’
And the only reason Peter Pollock thought he could get away with something like that was because he knew that Norman had been working dead hard in his group sessions, doing things like Articulate Your Anger and Temper Your Temper. And so instead of gobbing Peter Pollock one, Norman just thought very very hard for a minute and then said, ‘Fuck off, you dyslexic twat!’
And we walked away then. But I knew Norman was dead upset. And after a bit, he said, ‘I’m not a fuckin’ queer, y’ know, Fly.’
I said, ‘I know that, Norman, I know you’re not.’
‘They just fuckin’ say that,’ Norman said, ‘because I just fuckin’ love Twinky. But I can’t help it, I just fuckin’ love him, Fly. Picked him up off that fuckin’ donkey when I was eleven and that was it; couldn’t fuckin’ stick him before that! Twinky McDevitt. Little fuckin’ fairy. An’ I hate queers; I can’t fuckin’ stand them. I didn’t know I was gonna fuckin’ fall in love with him, did I? But I just picked him up off that fuckin’ donkey and that was it; gone, man. Head over heels and I’ve been the same ever since. I just fuckin’ love him, Fly, I love him to bits.’
‘I know that,’ I said, ‘I know you do, Norman!’
Norman nodded then. And he said, ‘Like I fuckin’ love you and all, Fly. I mean, not like I love Twink. Because that’s fuckin’, y’ know what I mean, like fuckin’ special an’ that. But I love you too, Fly; y’ know what I mean?’
I nodded. ‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘I think I do know what y’ mean, Norman. Because I’m the same really and I love you and Twink.’
Norman put his arm around my shoulders then. And he said, ‘Isn’t it … fuckin’ … brilliant, Fly? That we all fuckin’ love each other. Isn’t that just … Isn’t that the best fuckin’ feeling in all the world?’
And it was the best feeling in all the world, having lovely friends. We all looked out for each other and looked after each other. And that’s why Twinky said I had to go on the diet and start the exercises. He said it was pointless, the three of us running away to London and going to the auditions while I was still so ‘portly’. Twinky said he was making it his mission to get me to be the boy I really was. I’d told them, Norman and Twinky, I’d told them all about everything and about being the Wrong Boy. I wasn’t even a bit embarrassed or shy about telling them either because I could tell Norman and Twinky anyth
ing and they’d always understand. Like when I told them all about being the Wrong Boy. And Norman just shrugged and said, ‘Fuckin’ hell, Fly, that’s nowt; you wanna be at some of the fuckin’ group sessions with me. Make your fuckin’ hair stand on end. There’s some fuckin’ plantpots and window-lickers in there, they think they’re all sorts. One fuckin’ kid, he’s convinced he’s Trevor McDonald off News at fuckin’ Ten; he keeps going, “Bong … bong … bong. And now the news with me, Trevor McDonald.” Fuckin’ mental, man. And there’s one girl, she’s fuckin’ convinced she’s a sideboard. A fuckin’ sideboard. I thought she was just jokin’ when she came out with that. I fuckin’ said to her, “Is that why your drawers are hanging out then?” But I got fuckin’ bollocked for saying that and she never opened her mouth again for the next two months, the fuckin’ stupid sideboard. So that’s fuckin’ nowt, Fly, what you thought. Fuckin’ Wrong Boy, that’s nowt, is it, compared with a fuckin’ sideboard.’
And Twinky said, ‘Fly, it’s obvious, sweetheart, when you can’t bear to be yourself it’s the most natural thing in the world to hide yourself away. That’s why you’ve allowed yourself to become so corpulent, Fly. But what you’ve got to understand, treasure, is that you’re not a bona fide fat person at all. You’re just falsely fat, Raymond. And false, Raymond, false is never attractive on the stage. Now if you’re truly a bona fide fat person then it’s different. But to be attractively fat, you have to be fat inside; look,’ he said, ‘like them.’
The Wrong Boy Page 29