This whole situation made Lawrence sick to his stomach. This wasn’t how business should work. It just wasn’t!
“..”
He did his best to stand and put on his coat, only to spot a mess of fur under the chair it was draped over. Holo had obviously been watching over him from that very chair.
He stumbled his way out into the corridor, dragging his injured leg. It turned out that it was early, and the air in the corridor was surprisingly fresh. He sensed that he was likely on the third or fourth floor of whatever building he was in, and so he worked his way down to the second floor - that was surely where Myuri and Hildir would be, if they were here at all.
Things were too dire for Lawrence to sleep right now. Hildir hadn’t expected that the Hugo mercenaries would attack Myuri’s, nor that they would ever side with the Diva company. The power balance in Diva had to be in worse shape than Hildir expected. After all, Hugo had stabbed their friends in the back to win Diva’s favor.
Worst of all was the fact that they nearly succeeded. If Holo hadn’t been with them, they would all be corpses now. They made it to Sovereign with her help, but that was hardly comforting when Diva could just attack Sovereign to preempt a revolt. That wouldn’t be an easy fight, so Lawrence’s mind was weighed down rather heavily as he trudged down to the second floor.
Once there, he spotted a tired-looking child at the end of the corridor. They were nodding off, but when they spotted Lawrence they knocked on the door beside them and popped their head in. A person then emerged from the room: Holo. The moment her eyes fell on Lawrence she angrily stomped over to him.
“What are you doing?”
“Am I just supposed to lie down now?”
She helped him walk forward.
“Where are you going?”
“To you, of course. Weren’t you all discussing what our next move is?”
Lawrence wouldn’t be left out of such a conversation now; he might just be an injured traveling merchant, but he felt obliged to help Hildir and Myuri. There was no way he could let the Diva company get away with this.
“We were not.”
Her calm reply made him angry. It was just like the answer a mother would give to fool her child.
“It is true! Hey, you! Please calm down!”
The child stood there watching, puzzled by their interaction. Lawrence hadn’t fully recovered yet, so he was fading in and out of consciousness. However, his thoughts were as clear as ever. Why was she pinning him against the wall? He had to stand up tall so she would see that he was fine. But just as that thought crossed his mind, he felt her hand upon his forehead. It was so cold he flinched.
“..you are delirious from the fever..”
Fever? How could that be? But then again it did feel like all the strength in his body was gone.
“Your leg was wounded, remember? I thought you would vomit out your lungs. If you push yourself now, you might die. Would you like it if our roles were reversed right now?”
She just couldn’t be defeated. He looked away, still trying to press forward, but couldn’t.
“You must accept the reality.”
“..What?”
Holo stared back at him.
“That we lost.”
“Lost..?”
He couldn’t even keep standing under his own power anymore, but he wouldn’t back down. Traveling merchants were a stubborn lot.
“There’s no way that Hildir gave up already!”
Holo surely realized why she couldn’t just ask Lawrence to give up. If Hildir hadn’t given up, then why would she be saying they had lost? It didn’t make sense. They had to be meeting in that room, in spite of Hildir’s injuries, if only to decide what came next. They still had a chance, after all. They were in Sovereign. Hildir’s determination wouldn’t let him give up until he was killed.
It didn’t matter that the Hugo Mercenaries had betrayed them, or that Myuri was almost killed. True, it was a severe blow, but they still had the banned book, gold, and enough mercenaries to enact their plan. It was still possible to salvage the situation by fanning the flames of rebellion against Diva. Lawrence had to do his part if he wanted Diva’s original dream to become a reality. He had found his own determination to do so.
“Quite right. He did not give up.”
“Then..”
“But we are not going to do what you hope we were.”
“..Then what are we doing?”
Holo turned her face away at his question. It was rare to see her do that, let alone squint the way she was squinting now. The child suddenly disappeared into the room, presumably having been dragged in by unseen hands. Lawrence turned back to Holo, finally realizing what she didn’t want to say. He spoke his next words half to himself.
“Surely.. we aren’t going to run?”
Holo finally looked up at him and nodded gravely.
“Yes, we are.”
He couldn’t take those beautiful eyes piercing into him like that, so he grabbed her small shoulders.
“No way! There’s just no way!”
How could he possibly abandon Hildir and the mercenaries and flee?
“And what can we accomplish if we remain? What can you do?”
Holo’s hands covered his own, still cold as ice. Her sad eyes were now staring at his chest.
“This was not just my decision. It was the decision of all the men who have succeeded the wills of Myuri and that rabbit.”
So that was why Holo was in that room. She wasn’t convincing them to do something, they were trying to convince her. And the worst part was that it was the only thing he could do. He really couldn’t help them now. If anything, he’d only be a burden on them. He swallowed, hoping his saliva would take some of his pride down with it.
“And the others.. they’re staying?”
Holo hesitated, but nodded after a while.
“The rabbit has not given up, and Myuri’s men cannot move.”
Myuri had been gravely wounded, and he wasn’t the only one of his band who had been injured. Worse, if they ran they would only be chased down to the next town. They couldn’t avoid a fight. They might as well face their enemies head on then be stabbed in their backs. And even if they weren’t thinking in such honorable terms, their situation wouldn’t improve if they left anyhow.
“And.. you feel this is a good time to leave?”
Lawrence felt evil to ask that question, but could they really abandon the others? Hildir had his dream, yes, but he was also looking out for the interests of the north. Likewise, Myuri’s band was founded centuries ago, and was related to Holo’s ancient friend. Could they really let these people become historical footnotes? Besides, if they lost it was clear that the situation was only going to get worse.
“Of course not!! How could it be a good time!?”
Her voice broke as she shouted out loud. Lawrence needed to hear her say so. He was too close to caving in, and knew he would forever be begging her for forgiveness if he did so. He had to make sure he did everything he could.
“Then we have to stay, don’t we? It’s just like in Winfield. They don’t want to stay either, so how can we abandon them? Especially if they’re the successors of your old friend from Yoitsu..”
Holo snapped, and had to turn away before she burst into tears. They weren’t tears of sadness, but anger.
“And what will you do? Stay here until the last second when you have to run? I am not a god! Even I will die if we are overwhelmed! Will it be any easier to run away all alone, when you have just watched all of your friends die? No? Of course I do not want to run, but there is hardly any profit in death! It is obvious that we have no choice!”
Her entire speech came out in a single breath, and made so much sense that she’d clearly considered things carefully. She really had. After all, Lawrence was just a wounded traveling merchant.. what hope did he have against a company with an army?
“You do realize that there is nothing you can do, yes?”
He wasn’t able to fight on account of his leg. He could only rest in the inn and eat the town’s food, which would be ever more scarce if they were waging war. He couldn’t even bargain for them. All he could do was make an appearance if they happened to win. He was beyond useless to them now, and would only share the same end they did if they lost.
One as powerful as a king might simply be exiled, and only killed if they tried to fight back, like Hildir. He would meet that end now if Diva won, as the would-be organizer of a rebellion. Diva was probably going to start their expedition here, killing off all resistance as they marched. Not many would be willing to fight against such odds, because no one wanted to die.
Lawrence really had no better options available to him right now, and Holo’s stare only served to emphasize that.
“You want to open your own shop, do you not? You even asked me to name it. You wanted to live happily together with me. H-have you forgotten that promise?”
Lawrence stared back at her, knowing that he deserved to hear her shoot back with such a dirty question. She’d fought long to come to the decision to stay with him, and of course he hadn’t forgotten. Was he really just delirious? After all, her body felt so cold right now that he had to have a fever, right?
“I am.. looking forward.. to living a relaxed life with you.. and you know it. You know what it is like to be the one left out as everyone celebrates around you, yes? I want to live a stable life. I do not even care about Yoitsu anymore. I now know that.. I do not have to go watch over it all alone. I have never been as happy as when you tried to comfort me in Lesco.. it never quite sank in that I did not have to be alone..”
Holo scratched her nose. Lawrence knew how sincere she was by her reaction when she returned from Kinisen. That wasn’t an act, she really did love him and rely on him. Despite their many arguments, it had all worked out. They had helped each other to survive, and live through events that shattered their confidence. He would never hesitate to shout out loud that she was the most important thing in his life.
But did he have the right to hold her in his arms?
“But..”
He wanted to press on, but Holo didn’t let him.
“Will you.. please stop already?”
Time froze for an instant as Holo lifted her face to look at his.
“You still do not realize what you cannot give up.”
It felt like she had stabbed him with her words.
“You have been chasing after me all this time, but now what? There are things more important to you that you are forgetting to treasure, no?”
“Forgetting.. to treasure..?”
Holo’s face contorted at his question, like she was worried that she had cut a little too deeply.
“How long must you fight? You are a good man. I know what you can and cannot forgive just by looking at you. Is this fight really more important to you, something you cannot step away from? Are they the ones you wish to protect? If so, then why are you holding my hand? You-”
She was both angry and sad now, to the point where she could barely talk straight.
“I am your princess, am I not?”
In his shock, Lawrence could only stare back at Holo. If she was even calling herself a princess, then she was down to using every trick she could on him. Why was he making her do all of this? He was the idiot who ignored her plea to settle down, and he was the one that had dragged her into this situation.
Deep down, she didn’t want to be here to ease his conscience. She really did want to leave. After all, she was the one who knew best how painful it was to let go of the past. And yet he was the one dragging her back into that past. Her fears were coming true. She was losing her grip on the very hand she had finally decided to hold, and not even because of the natural passage of time.
Even children realized that “happily ever after” stories were just that - stories. Lawrence may have felt like he was holding her hand in some story, but now that he had finally won her over, he had a responsibility to look after himself as well as her. It all made sense now. He looked back at her, wondering how he’d missed this simple fact for so long.
Maybe he was just not cut out for common sense, or maybe he’d just forgotten that he wasn’t some character in a storybook. He didn’t have to give everything away like some hero before he won the fair maiden’s heart and a happy ending. This was reality. His story could go on after this page was turned, and he was responsible for turning that page. How childish could he be?
“I want to live a quiet life with you..”
Opening a modest shop and living with his regret over his recent actions was a possibility. It meant being happy. Very happy. The kind of idyllic happiness that he’d always scorned. It was the life of a merchant who had no ambitions. The life of one who had given up and just wanted some stability. It wasn’t the life of one who wanted to soar in skies of gold.
A person grew up over the course of his or her daily travels. Lawrence had mistaken himself for being mature, when he was really just childishly living an exciting life with Holo. He’d managed to keep her at his side, and she had placed her trust in him. He had chosen to be with her, and so he had to bear the responsibility and compromises that came along with that. That was being mature.
Truth be told, he didn’t really mind that idea. It was thrilling just to be with Holo.
The common wisdom was that people matured as they aged. Lawrence considered himself mature, but that only revealed his childishness. And truth be told, that childishness was what let him have so much fun with Holo. It was why he’d been able to convince her to stay with him, and why she could trust him. He was learning what it meant to be in an adult relationship.
He reached his hand out to her, but she just looked at it with sadness in her eyes. Those eyes only closed when his hand finally touched her face. As he pulled her body to his, he realized just how taken he had been by Hildir’s exciting merchant’s dream. He had been so angry at Diva’s evil and Hugo’s betrayal that his blood boiled.
He could no longer let himself suffer such lapses. Everything was different when one came to find a person that was more important than anything else in the world. Holo was right: this really wasn’t such a bad destiny to have. Having come to terms with that, he tightened his hold on her and called out to her.
“Holo..”
Her ear twitched, and she finally looked up. She was not happy. Her expression made it clear that she was only able to accept her decision because she had him to share in it. It would have been painful for a wolf who thanklessly protected fields of wheat to leave behind Hildir and the mercenaries. That’s why they had to protect what was more important to them.
He let go of Holo, taking her hand instead. In the next moment, she nodded. His lonely journey was over. What remained was the immense dizziness making him lean against the wall. She instantly moved to support him, but that wasn’t going to be enough.
“I’m.. fine..”
“Fool. Come on, hold me.”
As she propped him up, he wondered how people could live with being so dependent on one another. Was there anything more sickening? Still, the moment he moved to walk he heard someone knocking on a door downstairs. It was all the louder on such a quiet morning, and it could only make everyone worry.
The sleepy boy soon emerged from the room to go downstairs, and after a muffled conversation there were heavy footsteps coming back upstairs. The door at the end of the hall reopened, and out came Moid and another man. Lawrence had only ever seen him in another form, but it was a skill of merchants to recognize the faintest features. He knew it was Hildir.
His silver hair and hermit-like eyes revealed a creature of wisdom. His face was covered by facial hair, but not enough to hide his determination. Lawrence was suddenly happy he had only ever dealt with this intimidating man in his rabbit form; he would have been too nervous to make any decisions if he had seen him like this. After a brief glance at Holo and Lawrence, Moid walked ahead with Hildir tra
iling behind him.
“Have you decided?”
He asked his brief question, but already had his answer the moment he saw Holo’s hand in Lawrence’s. As he did, his stark eyes melted into friendly ones with a great deal of warmth behind them. He didn’t have it in his heart to blame those who had to flee. He simply patted Holo’s shoulder with his rough-looking hand, then Lawrence’s arm. It felt a bit like a priest giving them his blessing.
“I hope you two will be happy.”
Lawrence immediately suspected that Hildir intentionally avoided ending that line with “at least”. Was he teasing them? At any rate, Lawrence didn’t have a reply, so he politely changed the topic.
“What’s going on?”
Such a question would normally be met with a blank stare, and at best a polite reminder to mind his own business. But Hildir looked at Lawrence, closed his eyes, and replied upon reopening them.
“This inn has been surrounded by soldiers.”
“What?”
“The leader of the township has arrived, and it seems he will not be receiving us very warmly.”
Hildir’s words weren’t spoken with nervousness, so it was clear that he wasn’t going to give up. He had probably lived through similar events before, making it easier for him to remain calm now.
“Still, they can’t keep us surrounded all the time, so please take the first good chance to run. I must be off now.”
With that, he left. He was still keeping calm in the face of that news. It felt like he was cut from an entirely different, more adventurous cloth that gave him abilities Lawrence could only admire. He and Holo sent him off with their eyes, but he didn’t get far before they heard some kind of struggle downstairs.
“Please hold on a moment!”
Hildir froze; had they been attacked? Lawrence instinctively moved in front of Holo, when-
“Hey!”
Someone in a long coat had ignored the pleas and was walking up the stairs, where he spotted Hildir. He seemed old, but still younger than Hildir. His hair was well-trimmed, and he instantly gave off an air of wealth and power. His clothes weren’t a perfect fit for that image, however, giving off more of a straightforward and stern impression. In short, he looked like he might be a proper merchant - not the kind who struck big deals, but the kind who sought out long-term opportunities. He looked Hildir over and spoke.
Spice & Wolf XVI (DWT) Page 14