“I really don’t think so, Dad.”
He rubbed his hands together as he composed his thoughts. He always took a long time to think things through before he said them out loud. “When Valerie told me she was pregnant with you, I didn’t want you.”
I stilled at his confession, surprised by his candor. I turned to look at him.
“I even wanted her to get an abortion. She said no. And then you were born…and I loved you more than anything in the world. I’m so ashamed that I ever said that to her, and I’m so grateful Valerie said no. You were born, and then you were my best friend. I understand your reservations, Derek. But trust me, it’s the greatest joy you’ll ever experience. When your mom said she wanted to have more kids, I was hesitant…until she was pregnant with your brother. Then after Daisy was born, I was the one who wanted to have another one, and she said she was done.”
I wasn’t hurt by his confession because all I’d ever felt every single day was his unconditional love. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was the light of his life, that he wouldn’t know what to do if he ever lost me. “Maybe you’re right, but I still don’t want to be a stepfather. If it were my own kid, maybe I would feel that way—but this is a twelve-year-old girl. I wish Emerson had told me the truth when we met. Then I never would have developed these feelings for her at all.”
He turned back to me, his eyebrow raised. “You really think it would have made a difference?”
I didn’t answer.
“Derek, what you’re describing is pretty deep, so I really don’t think knowing about her daughter would have changed anything. You wouldn’t be here talking to me about this unless your emotions were consuming you. Whenever I try to talk to you about this stuff, you’re closed like a clam, but here you are…lost.”
I stared at the floor.
“Are you really going to lose this woman because of this? You really think you’re ever going to feel this way about anyone else?”
No.
“Because it’s been ten years since your last relationship, Derek. She’s the first woman to bring you back to life. Don’t lose her just because you have two women to love instead of one.”
Thirteen
Emerson
I stepped inside the lab with the bag of dinner. Pierre and Jerome had left at five, like normal people, but Derek lingered, his mind occupied with the work that remained unfinished…even though his work was always unfinished.
He sat on the stool at the work bench, his cheek resting against his closed knuckles, his eyes staring at the math that made no sense to any normal person. His protective goggles were still on because he’d forgotten to remove them hours ago.
We’d spent the week falling back into our old relationship, just with a thin mask of tension on top. It was hard to hide my attraction to him because my eyes wanted to drink him in all the time, and to a certain extent, I didn’t have to keep it a secret anymore. I’d already confessed that he was the hottest hunk of man I’d ever seen. Everything was on the table. But it was also hard because I was devastated that the person I loved most was the reason I couldn’t have him.
I wouldn’t change anything even if I could, but it still sucked.
I brought the food to the table. “I have good news.”
He lifted his chin immediately, giving me all of his attention just like he used to, not ignoring me like he had over the last few weeks. It was nice to be us again, to be close again, even if it hurt my heart. It wasn’t like I could date other men anyway, so my feelings for him weren’t affecting my love life.
I didn’t believe there was any man out there good enough to be around my daughter. “I graded their exams, and everyone did well. One student got a B, but the rest were As.”
He pulled the glasses off his face, and a slight smile moved onto his lips. “That makes me happy.” It was ironic that he wasn’t interested in having a family of his own or willing to have a relationship with my daughter, because he cared about his students like a parent cared about their kids. But I didn’t tell him that because I didn’t want to have to persuade a man to be with me. That wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted to have.
“Hungry?” I pulled out the containers of food and set one in front of him.
“I wasn’t a second ago.” He pulled it close and opened the lid.
I took a seat across from him and started to eat my dinner.
He looked down at his work again after he took a bite, stretching the fabric of his hoodie in the arms, shoulders, and chest. His hair was messy because he’d been fingering it throughout the day, something he did sometimes when he was thinking hard about a problem. His jaw was getting dark because he’d skipped the shave for a while.
I stared at him longer than I should have and forced myself to stop.
He erased what he’d written and redid his calculation before he raised his chin and looked at me before he took a bite.
“What are you working on?”
He gave a gentle shrug. “Just some final calculations.”
“Final?”
“I think I’m finished with this prototype.”
I raised an eyebrow. “But there’s nothing in here.”
“I send everything over to a different department, and they build it in the hangar. Then I’ll check it a million more times.”
“So, you’re almost done building a rocket?”
“Yes.”
“Wow…then what?”
“We test it some more…and more.” He stared at me as he chewed, wearing that hard expression that drilled so deep inside me. “But I have to move on to my next project. I’m already behind.”
“What’s the next project?”
“A rover for Mars.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s a collaborative project with NASA.”
“That’s so cool.”
He never boasted about his work or seemed remotely impressed with himself. His brilliance didn’t give him an ego, which was shocking. His goals were altruistic, so he didn’t think about himself at all. It made him even more attractive because he wasn’t cocky. He ate like he hadn’t just shared incredible news.
Could I really work for the man who ruined all other men for me?
I dropped my gaze and looked at my food.
“Everything okay?” He picked up on my moods easily, as if he could read my expressions.
“Yeah. I was just thinking about everything I need to take care of tomorrow. Have you considered the TED Talk?” They were blowing up my inbox because they were so eager to make this interview work. It would be the first time Derek had spoken in a public setting like this, and they were excited.
He dropped his gaze at the mention of it and continued to eat.
Just the way he could feel my mood, I could feel his. “Derek, I know you can do it.”
He ate in silence.
“I will make sure they don’t ask you about the Odyssey. But…I think it’s such a vital part of your story that it would inspire people to give one hundred percent, to speak up when something doesn’t feel right.”
Still, nothing.
“I’ll tell them no, then…”
“No.” He released a heavy sigh. “I’ll do it.”
“Really?” I asked. “Because I want you to do it because you want to. Don’t let me pressure you.”
“No, I’ll do it.” He raised his gaze and looked at me again.
I couldn’t believe I’d gotten an agreement out of him.
He flashed me that serious expression, his gaze burning deep into mine, like the intimacy of our eye contact gave him the reassurance he needed. “It’s time for me to move on…and get on with my life.”
“Why do I need to learn geometry? Seriously, who uses this shit—”
I slapped her wrist. “Watch it. Are you a lady or a gangster?”
“If gangsters don’t need to learn geometry, then I’ll happily be a gangster.”
I suppressed my chuckle, bu
t it was hard.
“Have you used geometry once since you graduated?” Lizzie challenged. “Seriously?”
No, not once. “Here and there…”
She shook her head. “You’re so full of it, Mom.” She looked at her textbook.
I wished I could help her with her math homework, but geometry was just not my thing.
My phone vibrated with a text message from Derek. I want to talk to you. Can you come over?
I read that message three times, and with every single pass, my heart pounded a little harder. The last time he’d said that to me, he’d kissed me when I walked in the door. Flashbacks came into my mind of that kiss in his entryway, the way he kissed me better than any other man ever had. I was still because I didn’t know what to do. I was anxious to go over there to hear what he had to say, but I was also scared.
I wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me, accept all the baggage that came with me.
But I was afraid he would say something worse, like it was too hard for us to work together…and he wanted to let me go.
God, I was going to be sick.
I texted him back. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.
Lizzie kept working, focused on her math homework, so she didn’t notice the text message.
“I’m going to drop you off with Grandma and Grandpa. I have to run an errand.”
“What?” she asked in surprise. “Right now?”
“Yes. Grab your stuff.”
“Or you could just leave me here alone…” She waggled her eyebrows.
“Nope. It’s too late to leave you unsupervised. I did it last time, but I don’t want to make a habit out of it.”
She packed her things. “Fine…”
I walked her down the hallway and let her into the apartment. Dad was in the kitchen, making dinner, which was a first. “Mind watching Lizzie for an hour?”
“Not at all.” My dad turned from the pans on the stove. “Just about to have dinner.”
“And ice cream?” Lizzie asked hopefully.
“Absolutely.” Dad came to her and gave her a tight hug with a kiss. “We’ll have the biggest ice cream sundaes.”
“Yes!” Lizzie hugged him before setting her stuff on the table.
I wanted to scold my father, but he was so happy now that he’d gotten his mobility back that I couldn’t spoil it. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Of course.” He kissed me on the cheek. “Be careful out there, alright?”
“Always. I’ll be back soon.” I headed out, hearing Lizzie’s voice as I left.
“Can we have the sundaes before dinner?”
I took a cab to Derek’s place, and once I entered the lobby, my nerves became even worse. The elevator ride was long, and I was a bit sick on the journey. My hand absent-mindedly rubbed across my flat stomach, and when the doors opened, I sucked in a deep breath.
I walked down the hallway, my pulse pounding harder and louder in my ears. When my nose was practically against the door, I stared at it for a few seconds before I pulled out my key, which Derek had returned, and let myself inside.
He sat on the couch in his sweatpants and a t-shirt, his elbows on his knees and his head tilted down. He didn’t even look at me.
I’d never been so nervous in my life. I wasn’t even this nervous when I found out I was going to have Lizzie.
I set my purse on the table and approached the other couch, where he sat during his sessions with Dr. Collins. I smoothed out my dress before I took a seat, crossing my legs as if this were an interview rather than a conversation between friends.
He kept his eyes on the floor, his hands together, his hair disheveled since he must have had his hands in it all night.
Fuck, he was going to fire me, wasn’t he?
After a few seconds of silence, he lifted his gaze and finally looked at me. Intense and deep like always, his eyes made me feel like he could see all of me, every single thought as it passed through my mind. “I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t be with anyone else. It’s impossible…I tried.”
My heart pounded harder. I wasn’t getting fired, but that gave me no relief.
“I can’t explain it.” He took a breath and cleared his throat. “It doesn’t matter if it’s just physical or if I’m desperate to get laid…I just have no desire. I’m in this relationship, even though we don’t have a relationship, and I’m completely committed, completely faithful to you. I’m not the same man I used to be. The only desire I have is for you.” He held my gaze as he said those words, spoke freely without censorship.
Now I could barely breathe.
“I’ve felt this way for a long time. The last woman I slept with was a poor attempt to ignore my feelings for you…it didn’t work. I don’t want to do that again, especially when the results will be the same.”
I didn’t realize just how deeply I wanted him until he said those words, until I was allowed to feel that way. I hadn’t even thought of another man in so long. My soul was wrapped around his, and I could never untangle it.
“I didn’t think I’d ever want to be in another relationship again…until I was in one.” He rubbed his palm over his knuckles, his eyes shifting back and forth as he looked into my gaze. “My stance about kids hasn’t changed, but I don’t want to lose you…because I have a feeling I’m never going to feel this way about anyone ever again.”
My high was quickly demolished when I heard that.
“So…I’ll try.”
My eyes dropped and looked at my fingers in my lap. “What does that mean? Because there’s no try. You either agree to be with Lizzie too—or you don’t. I don’t want to get attached to you, expose her to you, and then you just leave us both.” I raised my chin and looked at him again. “You don’t have a child, so you don’t understand how essential that is, to take us as a pair.”
He studied me for a long time, his eyes shifting back and forth and looking into my gaze. “I do, actually…”
My eyes narrowed.
“My stepmom fell in love with my dad and loved me like her own…while my own mother abandoned me.” His gaze remained as hard and strong as ever, but there was a subtle drop of his voice, like this information still haunted him even as a grown man. There was a scar somewhere on his heart that had never really healed. “So, yes…I get it.”
The pain in his voice crossed the space between us and dissolved into my blood, made me feel as shitty as he did. I adored him, so of course that information hurt, but as a mother, it hurt in a more potent way because I would never, ever walk away from Lizzie like that. “I’m sorry…”
He lowered his gaze and looked at his knuckles. “Let’s be together, and in time, we’ll get to Lizzie.” He massaged his hands before he lifted his eyes to look at me, that intensity returning full force.
I wanted to join him on that couch and finally have the man I’d been worshiping for months. But I was pragmatic to a fault, and I knew there were so many things standing in our way. “Derek, if we do that and it doesn’t work out, it’ll be impossible for us to work together again. You’ll lose me and never be able to replace me. I’ll lose my job. We’ll both lose this friendship.”
“I would separate our personal relationship from our professional one. I would never expect you—”
“Like how you ignored me for two weeks then screamed at me?” I challenged.
He stilled at the accusation. “That won’t happen again, and no matter how angry I am, I would never fire you. We can still work together without being in the same room if it really came down to it. But I don’t want to focus on something that may not ever happen, especially when it doesn’t matter. We’re already in this relationship together. We’re just holding back from each other physically. You don’t want to risk everything, but all our chips are in the pot regardless.”
I couldn’t recall the moment when everything changed, when this deep emotional connection started between us, when he became the apple of my eye. It might have been the moment I
discovered his stories. I’d written my own, and when I’d seen his date for the evening, I was devastated…and I’d felt stupid.
Could I really do that again? See another woman in his penthouse after he left for work? Would I regret not having this when I had the chance? There was only one Derek Hamilton in this world…and I could have him.
“Baby?” he whispered.
I inhaled a deep breath at the nickname, recognizing the tone of his voice because he sounded exactly the same as when he’d said it the first time, when he’d kissed me. It fit me so well, blanketed me in romantic affection that made me feel warm inside. My life had been devoted to Lizzie, and I wanted something for myself…the most incredible man in the world. “How would this work?”
“It seems like single parents introduce the person once they know it’s serious. So, let’s just be together, and when the time is right, it’ll happen.”
“But what if that time comes, and you change your mind?” I was afraid I would fall in love with this man, and then he would chicken out with Lizzie, and I would end up with a broken heart. “Derek, I already feel really strongly toward you, and if I really do this and you have a change of heart…I’ll be devastated. You made it perfectly clear how you feel about kids. I feel like it makes more sense to find a man who has kids of his own, but you’re the only man I want.”
He stared at the floor for a long time as he massaged his knuckles. Minutes ticked by, and it seemed like he wasn’t going to say anything. His hands finally separated, and he straightened to look me in the eye. “I won’t lie, you’re taking a risk. Everything about this is new for me. Just being in a relationship with a woman…is new for me. I need to take it slow, and in time, build up to that. I wouldn’t put you in this position unless I was all in. Do I want to meet Lizzie tomorrow? No. Can I picture myself having a relationship with her? No. Can I picture myself as a stepfather?” He shook his head and didn’t give an answer. “But I never, ever thought I would be in the spot where I am right now, with a woman I want more than anything else in the world, in a place where I might actually be able to let someone in, trust again, so…I think it’s possible…in time. I need you to give me time. I need you to take a leap of faith. I understand if you say no, if there’s too much at risk, but…I feel like we’re doomed, regardless. Because there’s something here, and it’s not going to go away, even if we stop working together and stop seeing each other. It’s just…not going to go away.”
The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless Book 6) Page 14