by Kahlen Aymes
She sank down on the sofa, staring up at the portrait I’d done of Ryan which was hanging over the fireplace mantle. “Wow. He’s so handsome. Did you do that? It’s incredible.”
“Yes. A few years ago.” Jealousy reared its ugly head, and I tried to push it away, but there was no way I was willing to share the details around that drawing from the first Thanksgiving in Los Angeles. I’d drawn that portrait the night we’d first made love and it meant the world to both of us. “It’s…” I began and then stopped.
“Why isn’t it finished? I mean, it’s cool the way it fades out like that, but is there a reason?” Jane probed.
My mind rushed back to that moment and a soft smile curved my mouth. “He woke up.” I had no clue what to say, so I told the truth. “It was a special time for us. Ryan said I stole his soul that night.” I got up and pulled out a cutting board and knife to begin slicing the strawberries for the cheesecake. Let’s get some perspective, shall we?
A soft huff left the other woman’s mouth. “Wow. He’s so…”
I swallowed and forced my hands to keep slicing the strawberries, waiting for her next words, while a sick feeling of dread washed over me. It wasn’t easy watching another woman fall in love with your husband. I’d have to be an idiot not to see it. I must have been an idiot not to expect it after his devotion to her at the hospital. Not even a year ago, I was the one in a hospital bed with Ryan by my side. It took me all of five minutes to fall in love with him again.
“He’s so romantic and special. Daniel hasn’t ever said anything like that to me.”
I swallowed and forced myself to keep slicing the strawberries. What could I say? Yes, Ryan is very romantic and special. Those were the words racing through my head, and the dreamy look in her eyes had them followed up with: but he’s mine. I felt bad for Jane on one hand, but very territorial when it came to Ryan. I couldn’t help the way her words made my entire demeanor stiffen. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I was compassionate to her situation, but I didn’t want her building romantic dreams around my husband. I decided the best course of action would be to reverse the conversation. “Yes, I’m very lucky. How long have you been seeing Daniel?”
Methodically, I went through the motions of making the dessert. It was a good thing my back was to her, because my face burned as Jane told me about Daniel, her voice lacking the awe and enthusiasm it held when she’d just talked about Ryan. I was proud of him, but the familiar way in which she spoke of him had me wishing he wasn’t quite so damn giving. I was used to women wanting him; I’d had years of practice. He’d always been indifferent to other women before, and I never felt threatened. Even with Liza Nash; that twit from Harvard, Ryan’s disinterest had been obvious. However, he respected Jane, and he liked working with her and it was clear he was letting her in. My heart thudded sickeningly in my chest. So Daniel wasn’t coming, and I’d be forced to endure an evening packed with Jane’s awe of Ryan.
“Julia?” Jane’s question brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up from what I was doing and quickly glanced over my shoulder.
“Yes?”
“I asked what you’re getting Ryan for Christmas.”
“Well,” I began as I returned the now beautifully dressed cheesecake to the fridge. I didn’t want to tell her because it was so personal. I was working on a composite portrait of both of our baby pictures. I hadn’t told anyone, not even my family. I certainly didn’t want anyone spoiling it by telling Ryan prematurely… plus our baby-making was a secret. “I’m not sure yet. Maybe some better shoes for work, but he doesn’t want anything. As I said, we’re on a budget, so we’ve agreed to keep it minimal. Do you have something special in mind for Daniel?”
Jane fidgeted on her chair. “Um, he’s a gamer. I’ll probably get him a new game he’s been wanting.”
How romantic. “Wow, he really is a computer nerd, huh?” I tried to lighten the awkward tension hanging between us. Other than the time when she’d shown me to the doctor’s lounge, Ryan had always been there when I’d seen Jane and she was pushing me. I knew it. She knew it.
My eyes narrowed and hers got wider when she nodded. “Yeah. I hate video games because he’s always got his head in them. Do you have an Xbox?”
I poured us each a refill of the sparkling water and glanced at the clock. Ryan should be home in thirty minutes, and I wanted to freshen up. Despite my lack of enthusiasm for having Ryan in the same room with this woman, I was longing for him to hurry the fuck home.
“No. We don’t. We spend our time with movies and music when one of us isn’t working on something or other. Life is busy, so we tend to concentrate on each other when we’re together.”
Jane pushed a strand of hair back and her cheeks flushed uncomfortably. I could see her visibly swallow. This was a good place to make my exit since it was all I could do not to tell her that friendship was fine but she needed to remember Ryan was mine.
“I’m just going to put on a little make-up, if you don’t mind? Ryan should be home soon. You’re welcome to watch TV and make yourself at home.”
The other woman nodded. “Yes, he’s scheduled off at six.”
I inhaled until my lungs wouldn’t fill any further and tried to smile as I left the room. “Yep.”
I was so pissed at myself. I’d wanted to get home before Jane arrived to soothe Julia’s ruffled feathers, but no, Jane had to show up early. I sighed as I walked through the lobby of our building to the elevators, silently berating myself for being pissed that I’d cheated myself out of time alone with my wife. Jane needed my support and she’d earned it. A fact which I reminded myself of at least five times a day. Every time my pager went off.
When the elevator doors opened, I was inundated with the wonderful smells I knew originated from our apartment. I ran a hand through my hair. Obviously, Julia had something planned for us, or she wouldn’t have sounded so upset on the phone. I’d probably fucked myself big time. I was confident that Julia would be gracious to our guests. No doubt in my mind, but she might not be so agreeable after they left.
There was music playing softly in the apartment and my eyes searched in the low light. I could see Jane sitting on the couch, looking out the window. I’d never seen her dressed in anything other than her scrubs, and I was slightly shocked at how pretty she looked. I glanced toward the kitchen, hoping I’d get a minute alone with Julia to test the waters, but there was no sign of her.
“Hey, Jane,” I offered in greeting as I kicked my shoes off and shoved them in the entryway closet along with my parka. “Where’s Julia?”
A wide smile spread across Jane’s face. “I think she wanted to freshen up a bit. How was work after I left?”
“Pretty slow. We had four cases of the flu, one broken arm, and a heart attack.” I glanced down the hall. “Would you excuse me, Jane? I’d like to check on Jules.”
“I’m sure she’s fine, Ryan. She made a beautiful dinner and just needed a minute. Let her be and pour me some wine.”
“Where’s Daniel?” I asked, walking to the kitchen and taking three wine glasses from the top shelf of the cupboard nearest the sink.
“Working. Same story, different day.” Her voice was flat.
The cork creaked as the corkscrew pulled it from the bottle. I noted the extra bottle sitting on the counter and looked forward to sharing it with Julia, alone. I didn’t get why Jane put up with the bullshit this guy doled out. “Jane, forgive me,” I began as the blood red wine filled two of the glasses, leaving the other waiting for Julia. “But, I don’t get it.”
I wanted to say more, to tell her the dude was a total loser, but in light of the deluge of tears earlier and her comments about being disfigured and not being wanted, I didn’t want to open that can of worms. Maybe she felt no one else would want her. I felt bad for her.
I turned, a glass in each hand, prepared to make my way back into the living room, but Jane was standing two feet from me. “Shit!” I exclaimed, startled. A little of the wine slos
hed over the rim of one of the glasses, and Jane took it from me. “You surprised me.”
“Sorry, Ryan,” she said, holding up her glass and licking the spilled wine from the edge. “What should we toast to?”
I leaned back against the counter and touched the rim of my glass to hers. “Good friends.”
“To friends,” she agreed, and we both lifted our glasses to our lips to drink.
“Well, it looks like you started without me.” The coolness in Julia’s voice snapped my head in her direction. Her green eyes glanced from me to Jane, noticing the glasses in our hands. I set mine down and reached for her hand. Her fingers were stiff as I pulled her nearer, wanting to lean in and kiss her. To my surprise, she turned her face so my lips landed on her cheek. My jaw set. Obviously, she was pissed at me, but I refused to let go of her hand and started to rub small circles on top with my thumb.
She looked beautiful, but casual, in jeans and a vibrant moss green sweater. It was modest, but the neckline was low enough to offer up the creamy skin of her neck to just below her collarbones, her hair flowing in a wavy mass down to the middle of her back. Her dark hair and wine-colored lips were a striking contrast to the sweater, which matched her eyes. Eyes that right now told me she wasn’t pleased. “Dinner smells delicious.” I smiled softly at her. “I’m starving.”
Julia pulled her hand away and walked behind me to pour wine into the waiting glass. “Thanks,” she said caustically, taking a large drink and refilling it.
Disappointment was written all over her face. She refused to meet my eyes, and I was practically freezing from the cold shoulder she was presenting me with. Jane might not notice, but I knew her too well to be fooled by the stiff façade. I’d have to work hard to soften her up. I put up a finger to Jane, silently asking for moment. Jane nodded and turned into the living room as I turned toward my wife, gently nudging her shoulder with mine. I felt her soften, if only slightly.
“Hey,” I said softly, lifting the curtain of hair to press my lips on the warm skin of her neck. She smelled so sweet. Like coconut shampoo and her perfume, mixed with the scent of her skin. I could feel her pulse beneath my lips and I opened them to flick my tongue across her skin.
“Ryan. We have a guest. Stow the PDA.” She twisted in my arms, trying to move away, but I refused to allow it. Her eyes flashed anger and hurt, and instantly, I felt guilty for trying to make light of our lost evening.
“Jules, don’t be mad at me, baby. I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” I whispered in her ear and moved to place a soft, lingering kiss across her cheekbone. I closed my eyes as I breathed her in, suddenly as regretful as she that we weren’t alone. “Don’t pull away from me. At least let me touch you.” I slid my hand down her arm and entwined my fingers with hers, my eyes beseeching for her understanding. “I still want to touch you.”
She looked at me then, setting the glass on the counter and facing me, letting me hold her hand. “Then you shouldn’t have invited guests,” she sulked. “What pisses me off the most is that I’m full of resentment and I don’t want to be! I can’t seem to help it. But I feel like slime.”
Her large green eyes, made even more striking by the shade of her sweater, locked with mine. I felt my heart slam into my chest wall. “I know, honey. Our time is precious. I get it.” I reached out to cup the side of her face and let my thumb pull at her bottom lip. “I want to kiss you so damn bad.”
“Just a little one,” she smiled, her full lips curving up just a fraction. I didn’t need to hear it twice; my head swooped so my mouth could gently taste hers in a soft caress. Julia responded, then pulled her lips from mine and pressed her petal soft cheek against my scruffy one, her fingers caressing the opposite jaw.
We stood there, barely touching, but I was reluctant to move. “We have a guest,” Julia whispered. “Go on. I’ll get dinner on the table.”
During the meal, my gaze was drawn to the barren tree in the entryway, bereft of ornaments and looking as sad as the mood. Jane was upset that Daniel didn’t show despite the conversation about work and a Master’s in Nursing course she had decided to take. I encouraged the course. It would keep her mind off her problems and help her move past it. I’d told her twice already today that Daniel didn’t deserve her, so I didn’t bring it up again. The food was amazing, the table was set with Julia’s grandmother’s antique bone china that we’d gotten for a wedding gift from her mother, and the Waterford crystal wine and water glasses sparkled with the votive candles at each place setting. The crystal vase holding a small, budget-conscious arrangement of white poinsettias and the cheap wine were the only telltale signs that we were on a tight budget.
I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling stiff after the twelve-hour shift in the ER. Julia was quiet for most of the evening. Sitting to my right and across from Jane. The position made it hard to look at her while Jane talked on and on, but I reached underneath the table to touch her hand or squeeze her knee several times. Her hand covering mine, assured me that she’d forgiven me for changing the evening plans.
“That was incredible.” My stomach was so full I thought I’d burst. I reached out to brush the back of my knuckles across Julia’s cheek because I couldn’t help myself. She was so good to me. I grinned. “What’s for lunch tomorrow? No cafeteria crap, huh?” I asked hopefully.
Julia laughed and rose to begin clearing the table. “No. I thought I’d make a cheesesteak sandwich and there’s an extra potato for you to take.”
“I may have to make you share, Ryan,” Jane interjected. “You’re a wonderful hostess, Julia. Thank you.”
“My pleasure. Who wants cheesecake?”
Dinner wound down with the delicious dessert and coffee. I glanced at my watch. Jane was still chattering on, but as I rubbed a hand over my jaw, I hoped she’d take the hint. It was ten and I was anxious to have the evening end. Julia was busying herself putting things away in the kitchen and I assumed making my lunch for the next day. I longed to be alone with her, to explain why I invited Jane and Daniel last minute, to hold her and make sure she knew I was feeling as shitty about the change of events as she did.
“Is Daniel picking you up, Jane?” Daniel; that asshole. Jane didn’t seem as upset as I was that the fucker didn’t show up.
She looked pensive and shook her head. “Oh, no. I’m taking the subway.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face in barely concealed exasperation. The twenty-four hours of beard growth had begun to itch. I needed a shower and a shave before I crawled under the sheets with Julia, but now, I had to take Jane home. I couldn’t let her ride the subway alone at this time of night. “Can you call him?”
She rose from the table, looking down at me. “It’s fine. I’m fine on the subway.”
Without my knowing, sometime during the conversation, Julia had walked up behind me, and she now slid a hand over my shoulder. I reached up and grabbed it.
“Nonsense, Jane. We’ll take you, won’t we, Ryan?”
I pulled gently on her hand as I rose from my chair, then sliding my arm around her waist. She leaned into me and I glanced down into her face. I could read her like a book, but I was thankful she said we would take Jane home; we, as in both of us. At least I’d get to spend time with her in the car.
“I’ll drive, if you’re too tired, hon.”
“I don’t want to put you both out.” Jane scrambled to interject, looking flustered.
Julia’s eyes narrowed slightly but then she moved to the hall and began putting on her coat. “It’s no bother, but we should get going. Ryan has an early shift, tomorrow.”
*****
The drive back was quiet. I held Julia’s hand the entire way and quietly explained why I’d invited Jane and Daniel and how it had backfired in a big way. She was silent, turned toward me in the passenger seat, her head resting back, her eyes drooping as sleep tried to claim her. It took more than an hour to get Jane back to Queens and I was about ready to pass out myself.
“I need a shower,
” I mumbled and brought the hand that I was holding to my lips as we navigated our way through the streets. Her skin was soft. “Dinner was amazing. Thank you for making it for me.”
“It was for you, you know,” she said softly. Her sleepy eyes were soft, love radiating out of them. “Always for you.”
I kissed her hand again, my lips brushing reverently over and over. “I know. I really wanted to be alone with you tonight.”
She could have berated me. She had every right, but she didn’t. Instead; she ran a finger on the hand that I was holding, down the line of my jaw. “We’re alone now. It’s okay.”
“Yes, but most of tonight is over,” I said regretfully. I felt the loss, big time.
“It’s okay. See, the thing is, you’re stuck with me forever, so there will be other evenings.”
My heart filled. She was fucking perfect. I ruined our plans and she was still so fucking perfect.
My breath left in a small huff, and I flashed a smile. “I love you.”
“I know.”
We were silent the rest of the drive, but I never let go of her hand.
When the door of the apartment opened, the wonderful smells of the meal still lingered. We both kicked off our shoes, and I hung Julia’s coat up after my own. Her hand ran down the front of my shirt to linger on my abdomen. “Go take your shower.”
I kissed the top of her head and then her temple. “Okay. It’s going to be short.”
When I left her and went into the bedroom, I walked through it to the bathroom and flipped on the light and the water. In a matter of seconds, my clothes had been whipped off, and I was standing under the comforting spray of the warm shower. The water felt good. I was tired, but I wanted to be with Julia. I wasn’t thinking of the baby we were trying to conceive; I only wanted my hands on her, the silk of her skin next to mine, and her breath rushing across my skin.
I was so tired. Exhausted was a better word, and there were only six hours until I’d be back at it again. When I’d decided to become a doctor, I hadn’t considered the physical toll it would take. I needed to work out at least three more times this week. Thank God for the fitness room at the hospital that we were able to use when the ER was slow. And thank God for the showers, too.