by Kahlen Aymes
“Baby, you awake?”
I closed my eyes tighter in protest, but I gave a barely perceptible nod. “I’m sorry about last night. Sorry I ruined the plans, whatever they were.” I prepared myself for feeling like utter crap the minute he told me.
“We had a Jacuzzi suite at the Waldorf. Roses, champagne and strawberries.”
My heart fell. “I’m sorry,” I murmured sadly.
“It’s just money, Julia. But, we do need to talk about why you left the gala without me.” He rolled over on top of me and caged me in with his arms, his body pressing me down into the mattress. He could trap me all day long if he wanted, but I sure as hell didn’t want to talk about her.
“I don’t want to talk right now.” I blinked several times as my chest tightened. “Please, Ryan. Not right now.” I tried to nuzzle into his neck and reached up to kiss him, but my lips could only graze his jaw. “Can’t you just hold me?”
Our angry and desperate lovemaking last night had at least convinced me he loved me, and he was at my mercy in that regard at least; as much as I was to him. Couldn’t we just be together without rehashing it all? I wasn’t ready to ruin the reprieve. “You promised we wouldn’t talk about her in bed.”
“We always talk about everything. What does it matter where?” He softened and kissed the side of my cheek, sliding his lips warmly up to my temple. His hips probed mine. I didn’t even think he meant to, but our bodies had a mind of their own. Too bad my heart was bleeding, once again. I closed my eyes, willing my face not to crumple and my voice not to break, but only partially succeeding.
“But… we don’t anymore.” I missed him so much. I missed the hours we used to lay in each other’s arms, gently touching and telling each other everything, the Sundays over coffee, shopping for nothing at all, and the piggyback walks we used to take back in Boston. I missed just having him in the next room, even if he was studying or I was working, and when he sat on a kitchen stool and watched me cook. I felt lost when I thought about it too much. I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to soak him up and believe that we’d be okay.
His mouth pulled gently from my lips, and his eyes bore into mine; daring me to say the words as if they were untrue, as if I’d imagined it all. “We…” he stopped, obviously trying to articulate it in a way that would convince me. “I realize we don’t have as much time together as we had in Boston. But we knew this was going to be tough. I’m with you as much as I can be right now.”
When he put it that way it sounded completely logical, and to any other couple, maybe it was acceptable, but not for Ryan and me. We revolved around each other. Like planets or solar systems or something equally epic, but when the center of the universe explodes, everything vaporizes like it never existed. I felt stupid and ashamed to even have those thoughts, but jealousy is a selfish bitch that makes you do, say, and think things you never thought yourself capable of. It makes you hurt people you never wanted to hurt.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t ignore how much she hurts me… But, I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Ryan’s hands moved up to cup my face as his hips pressed into mine again, as if he had a point to make. My heart squeezed as my arms slid around him of their own accord, and I rested my forehead on the solid muscle of his shoulder, wanting to hide and forget the last few months.
“If you trusted me, you wouldn’t be hurting,” Ryan growled. I looked up to find his eyes flashing angrily in accusation; as if I were the one who’d done something wrong or maybe I was delusional and made up the entire thing in my head. Maybe he could make it into nothing, but I couldn’t. My brow creased, and I pushed at his chest. Suddenly, I wanted him off of me.
“It has nothing to do with trust, Ryan.”
“The hell it doesn’t!” His eyes hardened. I pushed until he finally moved, but the fact that I wanted to break our contact clearly pissed him off more. I sat up on the side of the bed, pulling the sheet around my naked form.
“I trust you, but I don’t trust her.”
“Who cares about her? Where is Julia? I don’t even know you right now.”
“How dare you say that to me when you’re the one who’s changed? You’re the one who cares about her! You’re letting someone else pull you away from me!” I stood, dragging the sheet with me into the bathroom, but he followed closely on my heels, uncaring that he was naked. I began loudly opening and closing drawers, digging in each one, trying to make it look like I was searching for something when what I was really doing was trying not to show how much it hurt. I wanted to scream at the injustice of it all, to ask him why he couldn’t see what she was doing to us? But what would it accomplish besides reducing me to a hot mess?
“Like hell! That’s bullshit and you know it!” he railed, something thick and disgusted lacing his voice.
My back stiffened and my chin jutted out in defiance. “That’s not how it feels.” My words were soft and matter-of-fact. And, since Ryan seemed intent on digging this shit up and ruining what little we’d salvaged of last night, I let out words I knew would cut him to the bone. “I feel abandoned and alone. Even when you’re fucking me, I’m alone.”
“What did you just say?” Ryan visibly recoiled as if I’d slapped him, his jaw hardening and the muscle starting to twitch relentlessly as his eyes sliced me in half. He huffed and shook his head, then turned abruptly and left the bathroom. I followed as if in a trance, as if I couldn’t stop myself. When he began to rapidly, but methodically, throw on his clothes, I sank to the bed again, my legs unable to hold me up. He finally paused to glare down at me, more livid than last night after he’d chased me through a storm. His eyes got dangerously dark, and his breath rushed out like someone stomped on his chest. Maybe that’s what I did, but it hurt me to say it as much as it hurt him to hear.
“Is that what I’ve been doing? Fucking you?” The words ripped through his clenched teeth, and his voice cracked. I could see his throat constrict. “Is that how you feel when I touch you? When have I ever fucked you? Do you think my feelings have changed?”
I wanted to reach out to him and beg him not to go to work, to hold on for dear life and pretend nothing between us had changed. But, I couldn’t. Even if he wrapped me in his arms and made me forget about Jane, I knew she’d still be intruding on our lives when my eyes opened. I’d suffer more for the momentary lapse into our love because still nothing would have changed. No matter how close we’d been last night, here she was, as if she were standing in the room between us. If I gave in to my heart and tried to take away the pain in his eyes, it would only be replaced by my own… and it would be like ripping open a half-healed wound.
Each time we fought about Jane, a teeny shard of her was left to fester and increase the chasm. Even when we made up, made love, professed how much we meant to each other, still… she’d always be there digging at me like slow poison. I didn’t know how to stop feeling this way, and I didn’t know how to stop it, but if one of us didn’t do something, it would become an infection big enough to rip us apart forever. The thought left me cold, with a gaping hole cracking open my chest. My breath left in a quiet rush.
“Answer me!” Ryan shouted, red-faced, and teary, a vein in his forehead swollen and pushing purple against his skin.
I flinched so bad, my whole body jerked. I just looked up at him, my own eyes starting to flood. I pulled the sheet tighter around my chest as if it could protect my heart with it. The last was a lie, but this was the truth. “I don’t know what to say that will make a difference.”
He angrily dashed a tear away with his thumb, before both hands landed at his hips. “Just answer me, Julia! I deserve a fucking answer!” He was yelling, and I finally snapped.
“I just make cheesecake!” I screamed back. “She told me I just… she said she shares more with you than I do. She can talk to you about things that I can’t! She’s better for you than I am!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re both in med
icine! You share blood and a life-altering experience! She’s shared more with you than me!” I was still shouting, and he looked at me as if he’d never seen me before. “She can give you more!”
“I don’t care if she said elephants shit marshmallows and ate one to prove it, Julia! How can you doubt me? All I fucking think about is you, but all you think about is Jane!”
“I don’t…” I began but Ryan cut me off.
“The hell you don’t! How in the hell did we get to this place?” Sorrow shone through his anger.
I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat hurt like hell. I silently begged myself not to fall into a sobbing mess. Why was he still yelling at me? Why wasn’t he furious with fucking Jane?
One shoulder lifted in a half-assed shrug. “You’re asking the wrong person.”
“I guess if I’m already judged, I should just act out your little fantasy!”
It was my turn to be taken aback, bitch-slapped by his words; my eyes widened like saucers.
“Tell Ellie I said thanks for planting this shit in your head! Now I know why Harris left!” Ryan turned and stalked from the bedroom, leaving me stunned and frozen, still sitting on the bed. I should have shouted and told him Ellie wasn’t responsible, he and Jane were, but I simply didn’t have the energy.
I listened to him take his coat from the closet and slam out of the apartment. Finally, the tears rained down my cheeks and heaving pain racked through me. I fell onto the mattress crying so hard I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t cry out loud… only gasp for air when I absolutely had no choice but to breathe. I’d never felt more alone or hopeless than I did in that moment; the suffocating silence closing in on me like it would stamp out my existence if I didn’t get out. I hated Jane. I hated New York… I hated Ryan for not believing me, and I hated myself because, despite everything, I still loved him so much I wanted to die.
I don’t know how long I laid there, but I finally pulled myself up, took a shower and picked up my phone.
“Hi, Doll! Happy New Year!” Meredith’s exuberance made it clear she was still imbibing from the celebration of the Holiday. “What are you up to?”
I took a deep breath and let the words rush out. “I’ve reconsidered. I’d like to go to Paris.”
“Really? Wonderful! When can you go? John said February is almost wrapped. If you leave soon, you can work on the March issue.”
“Yes. February is done, and goes to press Friday. Except I need to come up with a little two-page fill. I can come up with something, and then Andrea can facilitate it before she joins me. Or we can finish it there and just send it camera ready online. Would that work?”
“Hell, yes! When do you want to go?”
“I thought today.”
“Wow! When you make up your mind, you really make up your mind.”
I scratched the towel across the back of my neck. I felt sick to my stomach, but now I was committed to the job and committed to the break I needed from my life. Running away was never my idea of integrity, but sometimes you just have to do it to gain perspective. “Yeah. I just thought the sooner I go, the sooner I can come home. I’ll just get a ticket and then submit with expenses. Okay?”
“Sure. Tomorrow, I’ll let the staff know that you’ll be in charge.”
“I’ll need to update my phone for international use, so I’d like to expense that as well.” It would be easier than getting a new one.
“Of course. Not to look a gift-horse in the mouth, but why the sudden change of heart? Are you and Ryan squabbling?”
I hesitated, but what was the use in lying. “We both need a little clarity and we aren’t seeing eye-to-eye.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sweetie. Never thought I’d see the day that you and doc-hottie had problems.” She cleared her throat lightly. “Does he know where you’re going? Am I supposed to cover your tracks?”
“For now, I think that would be best, but I don’t want to think about it or I’m going to change my mind about going.”
“Enough said. I’ll have someone line up a hotel and text you details. Call me once you get settled.”
I should have felt exhilarated, but all I felt was deep sorrow. I hung up the phone, got online, and booked a flight. Two hours later, I was in a cab on my way to JFK. I couldn’t afford to think anymore. I needed to bury myself in work. I needed time and distance to come to terms with seeing Jane’s blatant attempt for Ryan. But, I had to be honest; the reason I was leaving had less to do with Jane, and more to do with Ryan. He needed to miss me, like he’d never missed me, and hurt like I was hurting. Obviously, neither one of us was sexually deprived, but I missed my best friend. It ripped my guts out to intentionally hurt him, but maybe he’d understand why I had to leave. I really had no idea what I was going to do once I got there, but in New York, I was too close to the fire… and it would leave me in ashes.
~11~
It was hard avoiding Jane, but I did my damnedest. My eyes landed on her, and of course, she was watching me like a hawk. I wanted to go off on her for the shit she said to Julia, but part of me, the regular guy part, wanted to just blow her off until she disappeared. I’d done it often enough in college, and I wasn’t proud of it, but it was easier than dealing with female hysterics. I’d had enough of those from Julia.
The fucking thing was, I shouldn’t have to go through this shit with Jane. We weren’t lovers. We weren’t even good friends. I mean, sure, she knew me better than anyone else I worked with, but that was to be expected after that night. How she got from there to trying to kiss me was beyond me. I wracked my brain for what the hell I did to give her the wrong impression, and I couldn’t come up with one Goddamn thing. I treated her with respect and as a friend. Sure, I’d visited her quite a bit when she was recovering, but I would have done that for any of my colleagues. And I felt responsible. Part of me still did, but she was making it difficult to really care for her. What kind of a friend tries to tear apart your life? Resentment surged inside me.
She set whatever she was holding on the desk of the nurse’s station and started walking toward me, her eyes never leaving mine. I inhaled and turned away, ready to duck into the bathroom, just to put a door between us. I was concerned I’d fucking lose it, and I didn’t need to air my personal problems at work, especially not in front of the senior attending. I didn’t get more than five steps when a hand tentatively touched my shoulder.
“Ryan.”
I stopped abruptly and turned on my heel. I physically felt my guard go up, as if a solid steel gate just slammed down between us. Both my hands perched on my hips as I glared down at her. I knew I looked pissed and I didn’t try to hide it. I was pissed!
“What is it?” I spat out impatiently.
Jane had the grace to flush. Her face was getting red and sort of blending in with the bright pink scrubs she was wearing. “I…” she stopped and looked away then back again. “Can we talk about what happened last night?”
I stared down at her, unmoving. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve asked you nicely to respect my time with Julia, and last night I laid it out as clearly as I can. There’s nothing else I can say to you. This is my life you’re fucking with, not only with Julia but with my career. It has to stop.”
She nodded weakly, wringing her hands in front of her, now unable to meet my gaze. “I know. I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to… care about you, but you’re just… you’re just so…”
I put my hand up to stop her. “Stop. I’m just so married, Jane. Julia is the one who deserves an apology. I don’t know the whole story about what you said to her last night, but I heard enough to know you were way out of line. Julia has been nothing but nice to you. I don’t care what you’ve done for me, you had no right to deliberately hurt and belittle her like that.” My voice was quiet but firm and insistent. I had a hard time keeping my voice free of loathing. “And just to be clear, she does a hell of a lot more for me than you can ever know.”
Her eyes began to glisten, and s
he swallowed hard enough for me to see her throat working. “Okay. But, did she tell you she slapped me?”
I was momentarily stunned that Julia would do that, and I knew her well enough to know that she had to really be hurting to lash out like that. I wondered if she’d seen Jane kiss me before or after their confrontation, but I’d be damned if I’d ask Jane to clarify. The situation was beyond awkward.
“That’s not like her, Jane. You must have said something ugly. Nevertheless, I’m shocked she would do something like that.”
“I had too much to drink last night, and my emotions got the better of me. I can’t help how I feel, but I’m really sorry. If you want me to call Julia, I will.”
“No. Just leave her alone. I’ll take care of Julia.” I wanted to get to the bottom of exactly what Jane said to my wife, but that was on the bottom of my list of priorities. I turned and walked away, relieved that this confrontation was over. One down; one to go.
*****
It was midnight again, and I didn’t have a clue what I would face on the other side of the apartment door. I pinched the bridge of my nose and paused for a beat before I shoved the key into the lock. My mind wore me out thinking of this shit all day long, and it was made worse when Julia didn’t return any of my texts or the two phone calls I’d attempted. I was met by darkness when I pushed through the door, with only the lights flickering in from the windows to cast everything into varying shades of grey and black. It was barely enough to see clearly. Julia usually left the light over the stove on so I could find my way around the kitchen, but not so tonight. I walked in and flipped on the kitchen light, shrugging out of my leather jacket and hanging it over the back of one of the chairs at the same time.
My brow furrowed. The quiet was eerie, and something in the air felt weird. That steel wall I’d placed between me and Jane paled in comparison to the one I felt between Julia and I. I opened the refrigerator, but there wasn’t a plate waiting. My eyebrow shot up. Hmmm… she really must be pissed.