by Kahlen Aymes
My phone jingled again and I cringed. Would Jane just leave me the hell alone already?
“Aren’t you going to check that?”
I shook my head. “I’m sure it’s Jane again.”
Aaron reached for the phone and then handed it to me. “It’s from Julia, Ryan.”
I bolted up and grabbed the phone, my heart beating like hell.
~R, I wanted to let you know I’m safe. I just need some time alone. ~J
My thumbs flew over the keys as I returned her text.
Where are you?
It doesn’t matter, Ryan.
“Goddammit!” I said aloud as I punched the keys again.
TELL ME where you are!
I can’t. Just trust me that I’m okay and I’ll be in touch.
Yeah, right. You mean, the way you trust me?
I threw the phone on the couch next to me knowing she wouldn’t return the text and got up to get the scotch.
“What’s going on, Ryan?” Aaron asked.
“I’m getting shitfaced, that’s what. She won’t tell me where she is.”
“At least you know she’s safe.”
I couldn’t argue his logic, but still, my heart constricted so much it felt like it would implode. “Want scotch?” I asked.
“I’m good with beer.”
“Okay, then,” I muttered and took a swig from the bottle without bothering with a glass. The amber liquid burned all the way down. I wanted to sleep, to calm down, and to lose the sickening feeling that had taken root in my chest since the night before. I was so tired now; I couldn’t fall asleep unaided and I needed it. I stood there and downed three more big swigs before taking it with me into the living room. I sprawled out on the couch and flung my arm over my eyes, trying to concentrate on the commentary from the game on television and praying for the solace of sleep.
I felt like a walking zombie. Two days. 48 hours. That’s how long it’d been since I’d left New York, and slightly longer since I’d seen Ryan. My heart and head ached as I dropped my carry-on in the lavish hotel room. I had to hand it to Meredith. She didn’t do anything half-assed. I fell on the bed in exhaustion. I’d cried practically the entire flight, and now I was completely spent. Thank God for the first class seat that meant more privacy. I was grateful for the flight attendant’s discretion when she brought me two glasses of white wine and a hot towel. I refused the meal, my appetite completely nonexistent.
I felt empty and utterly alone. It was self-imposed isolation, but it still hurt like hell. Ryan’s text made it worse and broke my heart, but I guess I shouldn’t expect his understanding when I left without even a note.
During the flight, my phone had to be off, but after the last message, I deliberately turned it back off before listening to the many voicemails he’d left. I didn’t want to face the anger I was sure to hear in his tone, or the scathing words of his messages. I’d left knowing full well it would hurt him deeply, and he’d be mad as hell. Guilt, and something that hurt so bad I couldn’t articulate it, filled my entire being. The pain was soul-deep, physical, and debilitating. For the first time in forever, I couldn’t reach for Ryan or call him and expect the comfort I needed. I blamed myself for leaving, but I blamed him for making it necessary.
My face crumpled and my chest seized as the tears began again. I rolled onto my side and drew my knees up, curling into a ball in hope to ease some of the pain, but it was hopeless. “Oh, Ryan. Please, forgive me,” I cried, the sobs starting to shake my shoulders. I let myself drown in my grief, my right hand wrapped around the bracelet on my left wrist. I’d considered leaving it behind, but I couldn’t make myself take it off again. After Ryan’s impassioned forcing of it back in place, there was no way I’d ever take it off again. I was mad at him and hurt, but our souls were furled around each other as much as the letters on the bracelet. It was a tangible link to him; a part of both of us.
A few minutes later, I gathered the strength to pull out the phone and turned it on, scared shitless of what I would find, but desperate to hear his voice. There were 20 calls from Ryan, three from my dad, two from my mom, four from Jenna, one from Elyse and one from Ellie. Apparently, the cavalry was out in force.
I was a coward. I snuck away without talking to Ryan, knowing I wouldn’t be able to leave if I did. I needed to clear my head, and get away from everything that brought Jane to mind. Now, I was avoiding his calls. He would be hurt, pissed and probably frantic. I knew my leaving would devastate him, and still, I left. The pain of living through more of that crap seemed more unthinkable in that moment than hurting him. I was going out of my mind.
My phone rang in my hand and I almost dropped it, my heart beginning to pound so furiously I could feel my pulse throbbing in my neck and ears.
My fingers trembled as I pushed connect. “Hello?”
“Thank God, you finally answered! Julia! Darling, we’re all so worried about you! Ryan is out of his mind.” Elyse’s voice shook.
I closed my eyes against her words, against the burning behind my already swollen eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said weakly, trying hard not to let my voice crack. My stuffy nose would give away that I’d been crying. “I just needed to get away for a little while.”
“But, darling, without telling Ryan? This isn’t like you.” Her voice was filled with understanding that I didn’t deserve.
The tears spilled and rolled in fat drops, one by one down my cheeks. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave if I saw him first. He…” I tried to clear my throat, “he wouldn’t have let me. I wouldn’t have been strong enough to walk away from him.”
“Oh, honey. You need to call him. He’s so upset. What’s this all about?”
“Didn’t he…” I stopped to clear my throat “Didn’t he tell you?”
“Yes, but I want to hear your side of it.”
I tried to breathe evenly; to calm the erratic palpitation of my heart. “Ever since that night in the ER, the woman that saved him… she’s chasing after Ryan with stars in her eyes. She doesn’t give us a moment’s peace. She calls in the middle of the night, pages him ten times a day, shows up at our apartment unannounced, and then stays all evening!” My voice broke on the words. “She’s like a cancer seeping into my life, and he’s letting her, Elyse. I saw them kiss on New Year’s Eve at the Aids Gala.”
She sighed heavily. “Yes, Ryan told me there were issues, but he said it was nothing, and you’re making more of it than it is.”
“It wasn’t nothing. She’s in love with him. She told me afterward that she wanted him. She cornered me in the bathroom when I went to get myself together.”
Elyse gasped. “What? Did you tell Ryan?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I can’t believe that anything you say wouldn’t hold weight with my son, Julia.”
“He knows she talked to me, but he never asked for details. He closes his eyes when it comes to her. He won’t see her as anything other than this saint who sacrificed herself for him.”
“I know he feels grateful, Julia, but that is all there is to it. You know how much he loves you.”
“I’m not saying that he’s cheating, but I still feel betrayed and resentful. Then after, I feel guilty and angry at myself because I owe Ryan’s life to her! I can’t stand watching it, Elyse! I just needed a break so I can breathe again and re-group. It wasn’t Ryan that I was trying to get away from. But…” My voice broke on a sob. “I don’t see him much. He’s either working or constantly dealing with her. When we are together, we’re either making love or screaming at each other.” I flushed at my confession.
“You have to call him, Julia. It’s not fair to put Ryan through not knowing where you are.” She was soothing, but I could hear that she was anxious and upset. “To let him believe you’ve left him. You should have heard him when I called him yesterday.”
“I texted that I was safe and I’d call soon. He knows I could never leave him. Not really, Elyse.” I couldn’t tell her that I couldn�
�t call during the hours I was in the air.
Elyse’s voice took on a harder, motherly tone. “Julia, how would you like it if he did this to you? Imagine how you’d feel. All he knows is that you aren’t acting like yourself, and he doesn’t have anything to hold on to. You need to call him this instant!”
“Is he okay?” I choked out, pressing my wrist to my mouth, tears rolling fatly down my cheeks.
“You know the answer to that. He’s insane with worry, Julia, and it’s not fair.”
“Is it fair that he doesn’t set up any boundaries with Jane? I feel like I’m the intruder, like I’m interrupting them. How am I supposed to feel, for God’s sake? He’s the only one that can fix it, and he just… won’t.” I wiped at the hot tears streaming down my face again.
“I understand why you might feel that way, but it’s unfair to say he hasn’t done anything about it. He said he’s talked to her. You and Ryan will work this out. He loves you more than anything, and I know you feel the same way.”
“Yes. I wouldn’t be dying inside if I didn’t love him so much.” The words were soft, but with conviction.
“Ryan is dying with this, too. So, call him, baby. Please.”
“When was the last time you spoke with him?”
“Just the one time. He’s not answering anymore, but Aaron is in New York with him, and he said Ryan’s a mess.”
My hand clutched the material of my blouse over my heart. “He’s probably so mad at me. It already hurts so bad, I just…”
“Just call him.”
“Mmmm, huh,” I sniffed.
We talked for a few more minutes, and I promised that I’d call Ryan as soon as I hung up the phone. I pushed one on speed dial before I could change my mind. My heart hammered so sickeningly, I felt it would burst out of my chest. Ryan picked up after two rings.
“Julia?” I could hear the panic in his voice, and it hurt. And he sounded utterly exhausted. “Where are you?” he demanded. “Jesus, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied. I wasn’t fine. I hadn’t been fine for weeks. “I texted hours ago.”
“Anyone could have sent a text from your phone. How was I to know someone hadn’t hurt you and had your phone? I needed to hear your voice!”
My heart squeezed inside my chest and plummeted to the pit of my stomach. I’d never thought of that. “I’m sorry. From your response, it seemed you knew it was me. I didn’t think you’d believe something bad happened to me.”
“No shit, you didn’t think!” he spat angrily, and I winced.
“Look, I don’t want to talk if you’re just going to yell at me.” I was exhausted and emotionally drained.
“What did you expect me to do?” he yelled again. “Agghhhh! Tell me where you are! I’ll come to get you.” His voice was thick, throbbing with anger and something else completely indefinable.
“You can’t come. Just… I need some time. Ryan, please. Just give me a little time,” I said again, praying he would accept my plea and not press me. It was too much to hope for.
“Why are you doing this to me? To us?” Anguish practically dripped from his voice, and it killed me. It was more than anger; he was hurt.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” The words ripped from me. Physically, my throat was aching, and emotionally, I knew I was done.
He huffed into the phone. “Yeah, right! That’s why you ran off without a fucking word? Don’t ask me to believe you give a flying fuck what you’d put me through!” he ground out.
Tears squeezed from my closed eyes as I struggled not to let out the sobs building up inside. “I told you I didn’t think. I just had to get away. I can’t be in New York right now. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but no more than me!”
“You left town? Are you in California with Ellie?”
“I’m not in California.”
“Then, where are you? How in the hell am I supposed to keep my head in the job like this?” Ryan demanded. I pictured him pacing angrily around the apartment, just back from the hospital, still in his scrubs. I was certain he was exhausted.
My throat was swollen and I felt sick inside. “Your job. Your life. Your friend. Your everything, right? I’m just an observer. Stuck on the outside looking in.” I hated the crack in my voice, the weakness and helplessness that held me prisoner.
“What exactly are you saying, Julia? Tell me where the hell you are! Right now!” His breathing was hard; I could hear the refrigerator door open and then slam over the phone, with the clink of glass bottles hitting each other echoing in the background.
I sucked in my breath and let my fury fly. It wasn’t as if he didn’t already know why I left. “I’m saying that while that woman is invading your every waking moment, as long as you let her, I’m not coming home, Ryan, okay?” I yelled into the phone, panting, my face crumpling in pain. “I can’t take it anymore!” My chest was heaving, and I was shaking so much I almost dropped the phone.
He sighed heavily. “This is getting so fucking old. You know I was only trying to be a good friend and nothing more! We talked about this!”
I rolled over again; a new wave of pain threatening to drown me like the deepest ocean. That name was like nails on a chalkboard. I was so fucking sick of hearing it. Jane this, Jane that, poor Jane… blah, blah, blah! Maybe I was being a bitch, but at that point, the pain overtook caring.
“Barely, and so what? Nothing has changed! When you’re done letting your friend suck up all your free time and remember you’re married, give me a call.”
“It isn’t like that! I told her to back off, but I owe her! Don’t we both owe her?”
I was so friggin’ tired of hearing Ryan take her side over mine; tired of fighting with him over her, and tired of feeling upset that his words made me feel guilty about my own pain.
“I won’t let you turn me into the bad guy over this, Ryan! I will not stay and watch while you let her drive a wedge between us. We never see each other, so I’m surprised you even notice I’m gone! Did you let Jane know you were calling me?” I asked bitterly. “I mean, could she spare you for a moment?” I sniffed. I knew I sounded like a petulant child and truly didn’t care. “How generous. Remind me to thank her,” I said sarcastically.
Ryan sucked in his breath harshly and paused. “This isn’t you, Julia. Where is the generous, giving woman I know?” he asked quietly. “You’re not being fair.”
The air left my lungs in a whoosh as the pain replaced the anger instantly. My voice was quiet and raspy, my throat raw from crying. I felt numb.
“I can’t believe you just said that to me.” He was doing it again; taking her side over mine. Maybe that wasn’t even what was happening, but resentment welled up inside me like a dam ready to burst. She was taking him away from me and he was letting her, he was helping her. “I’m not being fair?”
“It’s not that Goddamned easy and you know it! I can’t be an out-and-out bastard to her. She sacrificed a lot.”
So did I, Ryan! I suffered your absence for years while we built this life!
“Yeah, I know the feeling. I guess she wins though, since she bled real blood,” I said miserably. I flushed at the jab, but I was hurting so Goddamned bad, I couldn’t help but lash out.
I could hear his breathing get shorter. He knew how much his words stung. “You know what we have is sacred. Please, just stop this.” His voice was raw and urgent.
“Then why have I felt so alone? It feels like you’ve completely abandoned me.”
“You know how much I love you and I’m sorry. I just …”
“No,” I begged. “Please don’t say anymore. Every word… hurts. I can’t take it. Just give me some time. Don’t call me. Let me…figure things out.” I felt like I was drowning, clawing for the surface and Ryan could save me, but he didn’t.
“Julia… please…” I could hear his voice shaking, cracking; husky from tears. “Don’t do this. We figure shit out together. So, tell me where you are so I can come to you. I need to come get
you! I’m going crazy. For the past eight and a half years, I’ve always known where you are. This is killing me.”
I closed my eyes, and my heart began to ache again when my Ryan finally showed up. That was the voice of the man who loved me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms.
“I’m safe, and I’ll call. I promise.” My voice broke again.
“Are you… Is it… I mean, are we over?” Each word was dripping in emotion, anguish, and panic.
Pain sliced through me. A month ago those words would never have come out of his mouth. Why didn’t he know that nothing could ever make me leave him?
“I just can’t deal with it right now. I need a little break. Jane is taking a part of you that used to be mine, and I can’t stand by and watch.”
“For Christ’s sake! No one has the part of me that belongs to you.”
All of you used to belong to me. My heart was pounding. I wanted to claw the skin off of my body.
I know. I tried to force the words out, but they stuck in my throat because they felt like a lie. But, I didn’t know. Not anymore. And, it was killing me.
The seconds ticked by while we both cried, both of us waiting for the other to say something and neither willing to end the call. I knew he could hear the tears and the sniffles, even though I kept the sobs confined to the silent shaking of my shoulders as I pressed the heel of my hand to my mouth. Somehow, I had to keep him from hearing how broken I really was.
“Just tell me that you still love me,” he begged raggedly. “God, Julia, please.”
That was the end of me, and the sobs finally erupted into the silent room. “You know…” I gasped. “You know how I feel, Ryan. Nothing will change that.”