by Kahlen Aymes
“It’s perfect. I hesitate to leave it. Someone might try to cut it off and steal it.” I glance up at Andrea, who reached out and hugged me. I was grateful for her silence or I would have turned into a crying mess. I tucked the key in the pocket of my coat. “Mike, have you found the place you want it?”
“Yeah.” He pointed to an opening where the other locks were less decorative, so ours was the obvious focal point of the shot. He checked the light with his pocket meter. “Put it there.”
I handed the box back to Andrea and went to do Mike’s bidding. He came close to me as I carefully locked it in place. “Like this?”
He nodded and dropped his voice so only I could hear. “You’re doing your job, but where’s my snarky boss lady? Something going on?”
I nodded gently, carefully tying a small, perfect bow around one of the shanks at the top. The moss green satin was the perfect foil to the metal. My fingers lingered on the padlock before I backed away. “Yes.” It was too much work to hide my emotions from my friends. No one from the office was with us, and I let my guard down. “Ryan and I are separated.”
After a beat, he was incredulous. “You’re kidding.” His eyes bore into mine like he was having trouble believing me. “I figured something made you high-tail it to Paris after so many failed attempts by Meredith to get you here, but I never thought you’d say that.” Mike slung an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his side with a squeeze. “Believe me; he knows how good he’s got it. It’ll work out.”
I lifted a shoulder in the start of a shrug. “I haven’t talked to Ryan in a week. I didn’t tell him where I was going… or even that I was leaving.” I refused to look at Mike, both of us ignoring the milling crowds curiously looking at the tripod set up on the bridge.
“Holy shit. He’s gotta be hot.”
I sighed. “I know. My emotions were all over the place, and all I wanted to do was get away. So, I did.”
“So what happens now? Will Meredith let you go home?”
“I haven’t said anything. I told her I’d do the job, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to leave yet. I figure I need at least three months to do it justice.” I fiddled with the ribbon a little more, still shivering. “It isn’t like he’s beating down my inbox with love letters.”
Mike moved away and opened the camera case sitting beside the tripod and placed it on top, tightening it securely. “Obviously, I don’t know the story, but I’m sure he’s wrecked. He’s probably just being stubborn. You know what they say: all’s fair in love and war.”
My mind flashed to that first time Ryan made love to me and he’d said those very words. “Yeah. If this is war, I’ll lose and lose huge,” I repeated weakly, sadness swallowing me up. I drew in a painful breath, grateful that the sunglasses hid my eyes.
Mike waved Andrea into position with her silver reflector as he honed in on the lock I’d just put in place. He took a couple of shots with the mounted camera then removed it from the stand and held it up to his face, moving the focus on the lens slightly. The camera clicked off in a rapid succession as he moved a few feet left or right, closer or farther back. He stopped and took a few more steps back, eyeing the angles of the shot carefully. He was a talented photographer. I enjoyed watching him work, even though this was a still shoot.
“Julia, time for you. Take your gloves off and reach out with your left hand.”
I did as I was told and held it while he took the photo.
“Now… Go over there and stand about five feet away, lean with your elbows on the rail, and look out over the river.”
I followed the instruction, the wind blowing my dark hair off my face.
“Take off your sunglasses, honey,” he instructed.
“Mike, I don’t think…”
He interrupted me. “Julia, let me do my job. Please, take off your glasses.”
“It’s stupid to have me in the picture anyway, Mike. The story is about couples. It’s one thing to have my hand in the pictures but…”
“I know what this is about.” One eyebrow shot up, and he motioned for me to move with the camera. “So let’s make sure we get the job done right, shall we?”
I was slightly put out that I was so transparent and to someone as inherently shallow as Mike Turner. Several clicks later, we were finished, and I was removing the padlock and replacing it in its box, overcome with how much my opinion of Mike had changed over the years. “You’re a really good friend.”
We worked all evening, retouching photos and wrapping the article around the pictures, adjusting font size and headline depth, messing with color tones, until it was the best we could get it. I pushed send on the file with an hour to spare.
*****
Four weeks later, after six more unanswered text attempts and one unreturned phone call a week to Ryan, I was starting to lose my last shred of hope. I was thinner and shaky; my appetite replaced with nausea. Not a day passed that I didn’t cry my eyes out at least once. Sometimes, I didn’t even bother hiding it from Andrea or Mike. Paris had lost what little luster it had, and I wanted to go home more than anything.
When the Valentine’s issue broke in New York, I held my breath. My stomach fluttered and hope flickered every time my office phone rang, but it was never Ryan. In all these weeks, he hadn’t answered once. I finally stopped trying, no longer willing to make a fool of myself. I tried to put on a brave face and accept the fact that it was over, but I was completely devastated and unsure where my life would take me now. I felt desolate as the holiday approached, eaten alive with thoughts of Jane worming her way closer to Ryan while we were so broken. I walked around like a bare shell of my former self as I retreated to my room two days before Valentine’s Day, barely making it behind closed doors before my broken heart got the better of me, and I fell to my knees in tears.
Andrea, Mike, and some of the staff asked me to go to dinner, but I wasn’t up to it. I peeled off my suit and left it lying half-assed on the sofa in the other room of the suite and pulled on a pair of blue plaid flannel pajama bottoms and a long sleeved white Henley. My head throbbed. At 5:30 it was dark, but I still pulled the curtains closed on the window before grabbing my phone and crawling under the covers. I didn’t bother with the TV, and the silence in the room boomed. I lay there missing Ryan and clutching my phone, willing it to ring. My face crumpled, and I rolled onto my side, tears streaming from my eyes. I let the sadness take over, crying harder than I had in weeks. I felt lost, alone… like my world was ending, and I only had myself to blame. Fighting with Ryan over Jane seemed better than the alternative.
I sobbed for long minutes, letting it all out until my nose was swollen closed. Still, I cried until I gagged, the combination of the snot running down my throat and my stomach heaving had me scrambling into the bathroom to throw up the entire contents of my stomach.
I sat there, panting, wiping off my face with a wad of toilet paper, and finally blowing my nose as hard as I could before pulling myself up and going back to bed.
I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand and turned on the phone. If Ryan had looked at the phone bill, he could tell I was in Paris, yet nothing. I sighed deeply. I could call him again, but I’d fall apart even worse if he didn’t answer, and the days to come would be hell, always waiting. At least now, I didn’t expect to hear from Ryan, and I didn’t obsess over it like I did at the beginning. As much as I wanted to reach out to him, I didn’t want to put myself back at square one.
I pressed 5, Aaron’s speed dial. I fully expected voicemail and was surprised when he picked up.
“Yeah?” His deep voice bolted me upright. “Julia?”
“Yeah, Aaron.”
I could hear him expel his breath in a huff, but he was quiet, waiting for me speak. My heart flipped uncomfortably as I struggled for what to say. “I’ve tried calling Ryan several times over the past month, and he hasn’t returned any of them. I just wanted to ask… Is he… is he okay, Aaron?” My voice cracked and a tear tumbled down my cheek.
“No, he’s fucked up, Julia.”
My head fell forward and as much as I tried, I couldn’t help crying harder.
“I’ve tried. I mean, I want to talk to him.”
“He’s on lockdown. He works doubles; barely calls any of us back. I’ve only heard from him twice, and I call him every other day. Mom is so worried, she’s about ready to get on a plane, but he doesn’t want to see any of us.” When I didn’t respond and continued to cry, he continued. “You know I love you, Julia, but I feel like an asshole talking to you when my brother is so destroyed.”
My shoulders shook in silent sobs until I gasped for breath. “I’m… I’m so scared, Aaron.”
Aaron said my name on a sigh. “Jules… I just… how could you leave him? I don’t get any of this shit. I don’t understand you leaving; I don’t understand him refusing to talk to you.”
“You haven’t seen him, then?”
“I went down there right after you split. Where are you?”
“I’m on a job for the magazine. It just seemed like we both needed some time apart to think. We weren’t communicating about the important stuff. Honestly, Aaron, I didn’t think about what I was doing. I felt suffocated. Did Ryan tell you any of it?”
“Not a lot. He needs you, not me.”
A small part of my heart leapt. “I’ve tried. I’ve even thought about going home, but I’m beginning to think he doesn’t want me back.”
“Come, on, for Christ’s sake! Julia, listen to yourself! Do you honestly think Ryan wouldn’t want you back? Ever in this fucking lifetime?” His voice thundered abruptly, and I flinched.
“A lot of things have changed, Aaron.”
“Not. That. You should get your ass home.”
I wanted nothing more, but I wanted Ryan—my Ryan—and the way we were before Jane. “I wish it were that easy. I’m sort of locked in here for a while.”
“I guess it’s a matter of priorities, huh? Look, I’m not going to tell Ryan we talked, because I’m not going to get his hopes up just to have you rip his guts out again. Just… get your shit together. If I gotta take sides on this, blood is thicker than water. I mean, he’s not my real… you know what the hell I mean.”
I nodded, even though he didn’t see me. “I wouldn’t expect anything else, Aaron. I’m glad he has you, and I’ll try to get back to New York as soon as I can, I promise. Tell Jen hello. I love you guys.”
I wiped my eyes with a tissue and turned on the light and my laptop, intent on searching for flights. I couldn’t book it until I spoke with Meredith. She’d be so mad, she’d light up the sky, but I had to try to correct my mistake with Ryan. My phone started playing Ellie’s ringtone, and I picked it up, happy to hear from her. I hadn’t talked to her in over a month, so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t think much about her and Harris.
“Hi!”
“What’s going on? I called your office and they said you didn’t work there anymore? I mean, what the hell, Julia?”
“Sorry. I should have told you, but it was pretty sudden. I’m in Paris.”
“Since when? This is just a short assignment, right?” Her voice was hesitant, and I imagined the cogs working in her head. She sounded happier, more like herself than I’d heard her in months.
“No, it’s the job. Remember, the Paris edition? I’ve been here since the first of January.”
“Holy shit! And you didn’t bother telling me?” Hurt laced her tone.
“A lot has been going on, El. Ryan and I were fighting a lot, and I didn’t want to burden you with it because you were dealing with your own stuff. Anyway, it just seemed like a good time.”
She pulled in a sharp gasp. “Ryan isn’t cheating, is he?”
I ran a shaky hand through my hair and crawled back into bed. “I don’t think so. Not that way. It’s about that woman he works with. She’s just… he says they’re friends, but she’s in love with him and the situation became unbearable.” Ellie knew the basic story surrounding that night in the ER, but we hadn’t discussed it since right after I got back from L.A. I started to fill her in on Christmas and New Year’s Eve, but left out a lot of the smaller details, trying to turn the conversation to her. “We don’t need to talk about this. How are you and Harris doing?”
“Screw Harris and me, Julia! I’ve been a rotten friend. Shit, I’m so sorry! I’m sorta shocked by it all.”
“It’s okay. I should have called you, too. It’s just been overwhelming, and it’s all I can do to function.”
“I remember how that feels.”
“I know you do. I guess fairy tales don’t exist.”
“Julia.” I could almost hear her shaking her head at me through the phone. “For you and Ryan… they do. No one is more perfect together than you two. He loves you more than anything, so what were you thinking running off to Paris?”
My chest tightened with emotion and my throat ached, making the words strained. One thing I knew for sure, Ryan was it for me. “I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. I’m dying with how much I miss him.”
“I’ve learned something and it took losing Harris to figure it out. Don’t lose Ryan, Julia. My best friend told me to get my head out of my ass, and I ignored her. Don’t make my mistake.”
“Are you and Harris really over?”
“He’s on a North American tour, and we’re supposed to talk when he gets back in September. I’m still not sure I can handle that lifestyle. Being apart and worrying about the women. His band is a bunch of wild, single guys. I don’t want to worry all the time.”
“That’s eight months, Ellie! He wanted to marry you.”
“Look, Julia, I care about Harris a lot, but I don’t want to be all tied up in knots all the time.”
When I didn’t hear her say she loved him, I wondered if maybe they weren’t destined to be together. Even when I left New York and Ryan behind, there was never a doubt about us long-term, tied up in knots or not. I felt sad for them.
“I had high hopes for you two.”
“Like I said, we’ll hash it out eventually. We talk on the phone once a week or so, but the big talk is for later. Now enough with the bullshit; start packing, do you hear me?”
“I have to work it out with Meredith. She’s coming this week to see how things are going. Maybe if I can show her our progress and how well the team here is catching on, it will be better than a phone call.”
“She’s going to be pissed, Jules. You have to prepare.”
“That’s putting it mildly, I’m afraid.”
~13~
Fucking Valentine’s Day!
This wasn’t at all how I’d anticipated this day to turn out. It grated on my nerves how much this particular holiday shoved how much I missed Julia down my Goddamned throat. The ER desk was awash with flowers and a couple of mylar balloons that said ‘I Love You!’ and ‘Be Mine’. I wanted to be apathetic about it, but the truth was, I was dying inside. Loneliness had become like a sickness that had no cure. I knew I wouldn’t see her, but that hadn’t stopped me from buying The Picture of Dorian Grey when I’d seen it in the window of a collectable bookshop on my way to the gym last week. It was like it had some invisible hold on me, and I had to buy it. If she were here, I’d have given it to her today. I was such a sap, letting my emotions dictate my actions when my head screamed that I was a moron for buying it, and even more, when I’d written on the inside front cover.
The memory of last year when I surprised Julia in New York came to mind; sneaking in to her apartment, waking her up, and making love to her all night. I ran my hand over my jaw. If only something like that awaited me tonight. Incredible how twelve short months could change your life completely around. So much had happened in that time: Julia’s accident and her memory loss, our wedding, moving to New York… all the shit with Jane. I groaned inwardly.
Kari stared at me.
“What? Do I have something on my face?” I asked, running my hand over my chin again.
She
shook her head. “Are you okay, Ryan?”
Not at all, I wanted to answer. I knew I looked like shit. I was fit because working out passed time and kept me sane, but my heart was shattered, and my chest was a hallow void.
“Yeah, I’m good. A little tired, maybe.” I tried to give her a half-smile but it didn’t quite make it to my eyes. I could see the sympathy in her expression and the unspoken questions that she didn’t ask.
“If you ever need to talk, I know about everything.”
What? I frowned at her. Sure, great! Just what I needed, people discussing my personal problems behind my back at my hospital. I glanced angrily in Jane’s direction, immediately believing she was the one who blabbed. For once, she wasn’t watching me.
Kari put her hand on my arm. “Ryan, Caleb told me about what happened with Julia. If you ever need to talk, you know, get a woman’s perspective, it might help to figure out what she’s thinking.”
I looked back at her and nodded slightly. I wanted to tell her that if anyone knew Julia and her fucked-up reasoning, it was me; except that I wasn’t sure anymore. I didn’t understand any of it.
She held up the open box of candy and offered me one. After Jane had no part of him, Caleb had turned his attention to Kari. He’d given her one of those obnoxious red velvet chocolate boxes that you get at the corner drug store. I wasn’t a fan, but I humored her, hunting around in the box for one shaped like a square. Experience from childhood taught me that the square ones were more likely to be caramel. I couldn’t stand the overly sweet fillings that typically filled these things. I popped it in my mouth. “Thanks. I don’t like to talk about it anymore, Kari. But, I appreciate the offer.”
Jesus, I was tired. My feet felt like lead, and I could swear I had a ten-pound brick on my forehead. I went to get a cup of coffee from the pot we kept in the alcove near the ER waiting room. It was so strong it usually tasted like tar, but I didn’t give a shit; I needed strong. I just needed to stay awake. I scoffed at my train of thought. At work, I did everything I could to stay awake, but at home, I couldn’t sleep if my life depended on it. The irony was not lost on me.