by Kahlen Aymes
“Do you have any concept of what you put me through? Any fucking idea?” His voice was low and harsh, thick with pain. “Hearing you say I forgot to remember you—I can’t believe you’d think that was ever a possibility. To use those words against me…”
“I felt like I was losing you,” I said softly. My hands slid up from his knees to his thighs, up over his arms and then around his neck, my body hovering between his legs, yet he was still. I pressed my mouth to the curve between his neck and shoulder lovingly. Somehow, I had to make him understand. “I guess, I wanted you to feel the possibility of that loss, too. But, I love you, Ryan. I never stopped. Please…”
I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt desperate for his forgiveness, for his arms around me, holding and cherishing, like I needed from him. I pressed more kisses to the side of his face, praying he’d turn and find my mouth. “Please, hold me, Ryan, and don’t let go,” I begged as I began crying in earnest. “I need to know you still love me. I need to know we’ll always be us.”
Instantly his arms locked around me in a tight embrace and his chest filled, pressing against mine. His face turned into the curve of my neck and stayed there for a good five minutes, one hand clutched into the hair at the back of my head and the other flat between my shoulder blades. My eyes closed in relief as I stroked the silk of his hair back and ran kisses across his shoulder and up his neck over and over again. My hammering heart slammed into his.
His hand closed around my upper arms and held me away so he could look at me. His blue eyes swam with tears, but they burned with fury.
“That’s just it! You know how much I love you, Julia! You know you’ll never lose me. Unless you want to kill me,” he ground out, his voice thick and hard. “If you didn’t know it, I wouldn’t be breathing. That’s why I’m so pissed! How can you not trust that?” I could physically feel his anger, but I also felt the magnitude of the love he couldn’t deny. My heart swelled with hope.
My chin trembled and fat tears tumbled from my eyes. I reached for his face and nodded.
“Yes, I do. I know you didn’t sleep with Jane.”
“Would you still love me, even if I had?”
I gasped loudly. It never occurred to me that he might actually cheat. My face crumpled, and my shoulders shook. I cried harder, but still, I couldn’t lie to him. I dug my fingers into the nape of his neck, and I held onto Ryan as if my life depended on it; because it did. I nodded as the truth rocketed through me. I loved him unconditionally, and I would never stop. No matter what. Forever.
“Yes. Even then.”
“Really? Because you gutted me and still I love you! I fucking hate you right now, but I love you so Goddamn much it’s killing me!” The words ripped from him even as his hands pulled me tightly against him again, his fingers digging into the flesh of my back painfully as he buried his face in my neck and shoulder sobbing with me. “It hurts so much! How could you doubt me? Did you really think I could touch anyone after you?”
“It wasn’t about that. It was about…” my voice cracked as emotions choked off my words. God, my chest hurt!
“You don’t have to say it. I know what it was about!” His voice was muffled against me.
“No!” I pushed back, and his dark eyes burned into mine. His face was damp with tears, the remnants clinging to his lashes. I reached out to brush them away with both hands. “No, obviously you don’t. I…” The loss I felt, even as I held him in my arms, threatened to overwhelm me. “I just… I missed you. I felt pushed aside.”
Ryan’s face twisted. “But, we made love all the time. I thought you knew. When I touch you… I can’t get closer to you than that. Our time was so limited, I tried to show you every minute we were together. Making love… it’s like a religious experience!” He huffed in anguish. “At least, it is to me.”
Panic seized my chest. How was I going to make him understand? “It is, Ryan. It means everything, but remember you used to tell me that as long as you had my words, you didn’t need my body? Remember? In Estes Park that first Christmas?”
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with this? I was joking around!”
“That didn’t make it less true, did it?” I pulled back. This time it was me who needed to see his face.
“No.” He shook his head. “It’s true.”
“Right. I needed you! Just you. The talks, the coffee dates… just hanging out.”
Realization flooded his beautiful face, and we came together almost violently, desperation filling our embrace. His hand threaded through the hair at the back of my head as my arms wrapped around his waist.
“I missed you,” I whispered against him. “I needed my best friend.”
“Oh, Jesus! I’m so fucking stupid.” His soft lips rained kisses all over my face, at first quickly and then more slowly, becoming caressing in the way he savored my skin. My mouth ached for his; my heart ached for his love. “I’m sorry, baby,” Ryan whispered against my lips. “You should know I’d never put anyone before you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I’m the one that needs forgiving.”
He pushed back and cupped both sides of my face with his hands; his thumbs brushed my cheekbones, and then one raked over my lower lip. His eyes glistened with tears that still clung to his lashes and left trails down his face, but his expression was searching.
“Only if you forgive me too. I’m so sorry.”
We were both laughing and crying at the same time as we hugged and kissed over and over. Relief washed over me and I could finally breathe again.
His strong arms tightened around my body and lifted me effortlessly onto the bed. Somehow, we ended up wound around each other under the covers, my head resting on Ryan’s chest as his fingers traced delicate patterns on my shoulders and back. My hand wandered down over his iron flat stomach to grasp around him. He began to swell and harden instantly.
“Mmmmm…” he sighed.
I ached to tell him about the baby, but the moment seemed to be just about us, and I wanted to bask in it for a few minutes. The weeks apart seemed endless, and now, with his arms around me, I felt safe and relaxed; finally happy. The last thing I wanted was for Ryan to believe that the baby was the only reason I was going back to him.
Suddenly, Ryan rolled over and pinned me down, cupping both sides of my face with his hands, his thumbs brushing my cheekbones roughly, and then one raked over my lower lip. His eyes were still teary, but his expression was stern.
“When were you planning to tell me you were pregnant?”
My mouth fell open in a surprised gasp, and Ryan’s eyes widened with mine.
“Was that the only reason you were coming home?” he asked sadly. “How long have you known?”
“Ryan, no! I was coming home because I couldn’t stand another minute away from you.” My fingers traced down his cheek to the stubble on his chin. “I can’t breathe when we’re apart.” My eyes searched his for some spark of belief, the blue depths as deep and dark as the ocean. “I was packing, yes, but I only just discovered it Friday evening. I’ve been throwing up, but I thought it was just because I’ve been so miserable and crying so much. I’d already made the decision to come home. Everything hurt, and I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.”
Ryan scowled down at me, but happiness shone in his eyes, his mouth twitched on one corner.
“Don’t be mad.” I pouted playfully, running a finger down the side of his face and then his lower lip. “I’m very happy about the baby, but it wasn’t the reason I was coming home. You’re the only reason I do anything.” A tremulous smile tugged at my lips as I watched love soften his handsome features. I moved my hand up to brush the soft stubble that darkened his strong jaw. “I love you so much.”
Ryan’s big hand continued to stroke my cheek and brow as I waited for his response. Emotions flowed over his beautiful face: love, pride, pain. “I love you, too. I can’t stand it if you don’t know how much.”
Ryan’s mouth finally found mine in a tender kis
s, his open mouth playing with mine. I lifted my face to his, hungry and wanting his tongue to pillage and plunder, to take what I wanted so much to give. His hands grazed the sides of my breasts, then one went around my back and the other slid to my abdomen, just below my waist. A shuddering sigh left him, and I threaded the fingers of both hands at his nape.
“Promise me you know,” he demanded softly.
“I promise.” My heart constricted and then exploded. “How did you know about the baby? I haven’t told a single person… except Andrea.”
Ryan’s lips lifted in a half smile. “She didn’t tell me. I know you; every nuance of your body. Your breasts were firm before but now they’re like bouncy balls. And your nipples are slightly bigger and more plumped up.” He grinned and moved to my side, letting his hand brush down my stomach, below my navel, before tenderly splaying his hand as I burst out laughing at his words.
He bent his head and kissed the top swell of one breast, brushing his chin over the nipple playfully, the soft bristles puckering the tender flesh. “I can’t wait to watch you bloom with our baby. You’re so beautiful,” he whispered the worshiping words, and I’d never felt more cherished.
My fingers wound in his hair as I arched beneath his mouth, wanting more, wanting to show him how much he meant to me. “I should have known I couldn’t fool you, Matthews,” I teased. My expression sobered. “But I wasn’t really trying to.”
“I know. I saw the picture in the magazine when I bought it for Louie, but I refused to read the article. I thought you’d taken that job for God knew how long.” Ryan brushed his nose against mine. “I was afraid to hope it was for me.”
“Ryan,” I said softly. “I thought my reason was transparent. Even Mike, figured out that it was to let you know where I was. It was the first thing we did here. I hoped… you’d come after me.”
“That’s nuts! I told you I’d come for you the day you left. You said you didn’t want me!”
“I didn’t then. I was trying to figure out a way to accept Jane. But two days later, I was taking that photo on the bridge, Ryan. Because, I couldn’t bear to be away from you and I wanted you to find me. But, you waited for weeks. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
Ryan studied me, his beautiful smile fading to a serious look as the seconds ticked by. “I was pissed as hell and hurting. I wanted to punish you back, but then something happened that made me realize I was taking the biggest risk of my life by not coming after you.” I cocked my head to look up at him and his fingers brushed my cheek. “I need to tell you this, baby.” His fingers threaded through mine as he looked down into my face.
I frowned. “Is it going to hurt me? If so, I don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter.”
“I don’t want it to hurt, but I have to tell you, even if it does, sweetheart. We can’t have any secrets between us.”
“Okay,” I sighed, bracing myself for what was to come. Ryan’s hand tightened on mine.
“I was going crazy, and I was so pissed because you left and wouldn’t tell me where you were. When I figured it out, I was pissed that you took the job, and that would probably mean we were over. I couldn’t sleep, and I was eating like shit. I was living on energy drinks to keep me awake at work, but I was starting to lose it. I was shaky and snapping at everyone; I could barely function. When I almost dosed someone the wrong meds, Dr. Jameson finally prescribed sleeping pills and insisted I go home and take a few days off. He could have kicked me out of the program.”
I turned my face into his neck and leaned my forehead on his shoulder. “Ryan,” I breathed. “I’m sorry. Oh, my God!”
Ryan’s lips brushed my temple. “Babe, let me get this out.”
I lifted up on my elbows just enough to look into his eyes and frowned. Anxiety forced my heart to thud painfully, and the trepidation in Ryan’s expression didn’t help.
“I hated the apartment,” he pressed on. “You were everywhere, and I couldn’t stand being there without you. I could still smell you in the bedroom. I could smell us together, and I couldn’t take it. So, I took the pills at the hospital and went to one of the on-call rooms.”
I remembered that room well and could see where this was going. I struggled to get up, suddenly wanting to be free, but Ryan refused to let me escape.
“Jane came to you.” It was statement. I knew it already.
“Yes. You were right about her. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what she was capable of.”
“I told you!”
“I know. I should’ve listened.”
My throat tightened up again and my eyes burned, anger and jealousy turning me inside out. “What did she do?” I demanded.
“I thought I was dreaming. We were still at Stanford, I told you how I really felt, and we made love. I was aching for you and so desperate to believe that you were with me. I needed just a moment without the constant ache I’d been feeling for weeks. She wore your perfume… I thought she was you.”
“Oh, God!” I struggled more forcefully as the pictures of Jane making love to my husband started playing in my head. I felt claustrophobic, like an animal clawing to be free of a trap. “Let me up, Ryan!”
“No!”
“Please, don’t tell me anymore,” I begged and gave up fighting, turning my face away and struggling not to cry. I didn’t want this to matter, but it did. So much. “Please, I don’t want the picture painted in my head.” But it was too late.
“Julia. For God’s sake! Look at me.”
“How far did she go?” I demanded. I didn’t want to know, but now, I had to.
“I was half asleep, babe.”
“Did she get you off? Did she get off on you?”
“Honey, stop.”
“Did she?” I asked painfully.
“No, I didn’t come. I don’t know if she did or not! We were fully clothed, honey. She kissed me, but that’s all that happened. I told you, I was half asleep, and it doesn’t even matter!” His voice was low and urgent, laced with desperation of its own. “The minute I realized she wasn’t you, I stopped her, Julia! I shoved her to the floor and told her to get the fuck away from me! She knows we can’t even be friends, now.”
I couldn’t move, but I tried. All I could think about was Jane on top of my husband, rubbing all over him, and moaning his name. Even if they had clothes on, it wasn’t something I could bear thinking about. I pushed against him again, but Ryan still had my arms pinned down and his leg flung over both of mine.
“No! You will stay still and listen!” He shook me gently. “You are my life! Look into my eyes! You know it’s always been you since the moment we met! It will always be you!”
My chest was heaving and tears burned the back of my eyes, my whole body shaking with my grief. He didn’t deserve my anger. I was to blame for leaving him, but still it hurt like hell to hear that another woman tried to seduce my husband. I struggled to push the words out. “It’s all… muh… my fault! It happened because I left.”
Gentle fingers pushed my hair back and traced the side of my face, and Ryan kissed me gently as I tried not to cry. “Oh, baby, no, it isn’t. It’s mine, too. You shouldn’t have left without talking to me, but I shouldn’t have let Jane come between us in the first place. I let my guilt get out of hand. I didn’t want to believe anything bad about her, and I closed my eyes to what it was doing to you because I assumed you’d know we were solid. It never crossed my mind you’d actually think I could want anyone else. You were laughing just a second ago, so stop crying, baby. It’s over.”
He kissed me harder, his tongue invading my mouth and teasing mine into play. I wound my arms tightly around his shoulders, and pulled his mouth closer. “I’m still sorry,” I whispered against his mouth.
“Me, too. I went home, determined to find you. I stopped being a stubborn ass and called your office. Andrea texted back and I told her I was coming to Paris. Then, she told me about the café’ and how you’d probably be there on Sunday.”
I closed my eyes and tur
ned my face into the strong column of Ryan’s neck. “I went every Sunday.” I couldn’t seem to stop the stupid tears, and Ryan’s arms tightened in understanding. His hand stroked down my back, smoothing my hair over my skin.
“I love you, baby. I did that on Sundays too. But, why was Turner with you?”
“We were meeting for coffee to say goodbye, and I wanted the finals from the bridge shoot. I wanted a close-up of our lock so I could frame it and keep it forever.” Talking about it made me relive the emotions of the day I’d placed it on the bridge and the pain I felt not having him with me. “But I left it there.”
Ryan’s eyes were glassy when he nodded. “It’s okay. We’ll fix it. He can send another one.”
“Did you read the article?”
“Yeah. I bought another copy and read it on the subway. I couldn’t reconcile how you could do that for us, when you believed I was letting Jane get between us.”
“Because, even if she separated us… in my heart, you were still mine.”
“We’re so fucked up, baby girl. All this could have been avoided.”
All I could do was nod.
“When I pulled that suitcase down and found that picture… I cried like a baby. It’s incredible.” His hand smoothed over my stomach again. “And, here he is, like a miracle. We’re going to be okay, my love. We’re going to be better than okay, I promise. This shit is never going to happen again, okay?”
“Okay.” I blinked and reached up to flutter my fingers along his jaw. “Ryan, make love to me again and this time… I want you to come.”
He smirked and rolled onto his back, pulling me with him so I straddled him, my legs resting outside his thighs. “Yes, ma’am.”
My fingers wound in his hair and our mouths hovered together, now so serious. His hand pulled my hips against his, and I could feel his hardness.