by Louise Fein
‘I’m… I’m sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me.’
It’s meant as a preamble, but even to my ears they sound like the words of a coward.
‘Yes. Well, that will depend on you and how you conduct yourself from now on.’
‘I’ll do my best, Vati.’
He straightens his shoulders and looks at me, eye to eye.
‘We will put it behind us, but I shan’t forget. There is to be no more wandering around this city without your mother knowing your whereabouts. There is to be no more… mixing… with undesirables. You will be the daughter I deserve. Nothing less.’
‘Yes, Vati,’ I whisper.
‘Go to bed, Herta.’
I swallow the words I promised myself I’d say this evening and watch him walk heavily upstairs. Instead of begging words, a different plan is replacing them. I will not be bowed by Vati and his threats. I can be a better person than that.
7 January 1939
It’s happening again, that tight ball in my stomach. I will it to relax, but there is too much saliva. I can’t swallow. I jump up and run down the corridor to the bathroom, retching bright yellow bile into the clear water of the toilet bowl. Shaking, I flush it away, then splash icy water over my face.
In the gloomy early morning light my reflection in the mirror is ghostly pale, my eyes dull and lifeless. Beads of sweat shine on my forehead, despite the chill. If the past few days are anything to go by, the vomiting will only provide temporary relief. The nausea will soon return and stay for the rest of the day.
Back in my room, I swing open the shutters and stare through the grey misty dawn onto the empty street. The frigid branches of the cherry tree are bare. It looks dead. But deep inside its broad trunk, life slumbers, waiting for the warmth of spring to pulse sap to the very ends of each and every twig. Then the blossom will come.
1939. A new year. New hope. New life.
Still the relief of bloodied underwear evades me.
Please, God. Please do not let me be pregnant…
*
‘Where’s Bertha?’
Mutti is in the kitchen, alone, stirring something in a pan on the stove.
‘Gone.’
‘Gone?’
‘She had to. After what she did, that night…’
‘What? Please tell me, you haven’t fired Bertha?’
Mutti doesn’t look at me. The rolling nausea in my belly intensifies.
‘Vati and I discussed it. One has to trust one’s staff. Once that trust is broken, there’s no going back.’
‘But why? It wasn’t Bertha’s fault – I told you! It was mine. Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.’
‘We’d have done it sooner, but it was hellishly difficult to replace Bertha just before Christmas. We agreed with her she could stay until we found another decent cook,’ Mutti adds, spooning egg from the pan into a serving dish, ‘who will start next Monday. We shall just have to manage ourselves until then. I used to cook,’ she adds, almost with surprise. ‘I’m sure I can remember what to do.’ She picks up the dish and leaves the room. ‘Breakfast is served,’ she adds.
How dare Vati get rid of her like that? It was my fault, and I’ve had no chance to say… what? Why didn’t she say anything to me, if she knew? It never occurred to me there might be a time Bertha wasn’t here. She’s a part of this house, a part of my life. Until this moment, I had no idea how precious she is. Will whoever comes next chat to Kuschi and throw him kitchen scraps? Will she be there, square and comforting, with cake, coffee and a listening ear? It’s only now that I understand the void of quiet affection, gentle kindness and understanding she has left. I am wretched with guilt.
‘Where has she gone?’ I follow Mutti into the dining room. ‘The least you can do is tell me. I want to apologise. Say goodbye.’
‘I believe she’s found a position in the kitchen of a guesthouse. We gave her good references and a month’s salary. We were most generous, given the circumstances. Oh, I almost forgot…’ Mutti pulls an envelope from her pocket. My heart double flips, but the handwriting is unfamiliar.
‘What is it?’
‘It’s from Tomas,’ she throws over her shoulder as she heads back to the kitchen.
Fräulein Hetty,
I tried to find the courage to ask you before, but found I lacked it. I thought a letter would be the right thing for someone like you. I should very much like it if you would come for a walk with me Sunday afternoon (tomorrow) at four for one hour. I know how you like to walk your dog. So maybe you could walk me too?
I would also be most honoured if you would come to the dance put on by my HJ Schar in three weeks, Saturday. There will be girls from the BDM there you’ll know. Erna is invited too. But I would really like it if you would come as my personal guest.
With sincere best wishes,
Tomas Köhler
Oh Tomas, what am I to say? I need you as a friend but nothing more. Is it possible to say that to a boy without offending him?
I think about Walter’s fierce instruction to find another love and Bertha’s kindly advice. It seems impossible at this moment, but perhaps I should try. Not Tomas, of course, but maybe there will be a kindred soul at this dance. I shan’t know if I don’t go with an open mind.
All right, Tomas, I’ll walk with you next week, and come to your dance.
As your friend, mind. Just as your friend.
*
‘I’ve been called to a meeting on Wednesday in Munich,’ Vati tells us after dinner that evening. ‘This is it, Hélène.’ He exudes an energy I’ve not seen in him since before Karl died. ‘They are going to promote me to Oberführer.’
‘How can you be sure?’ Mutti breathes.
‘I’ve been informed, you know, on the quiet.’
‘Oh Franz, this is wonderful news!’
‘The Schutzstaffel is expanding so fast that those who have proved their leadership must be promoted to ensure discipline and absolute authority at all times.’ He relaxes back in his chair. Takes a swill of coffee. ‘I’ve been reliable and dedicated. Especially during the riots in November. Our men behaved in an exemplary fashion.’
I dig my fingernails hard into the skin on my arms beneath the table until it hurts.
‘Will we have to move?’ Mutti asks.
‘For now, no. Indeed, I’ve been tipped off that if the next six months go well, I shall be moved swiftly up the ranks to SS-Gruppenführer. There are plans that those with such rank or above may head up not only their SS district, but also that of the police. I know they have me in mind. This way we can oversee everything in the region, within the SS, the police, the intelligence and the administration. Brilliant of Himmler to streamline so the SS retain complete authority over all the agencies. That way there can be no competing or in-fighting amongst them which will distract us from our ultimate, and most important, goals.’
‘Such wonderful news, Franz. Although I had been looking forward to a new start somewhere else.’
‘I will have to give up the newspaper,’ Vati continues with a frown. ‘My SS duties are too great to keep it on. I’ll promote Josef Heiden to run the paper for me. I trust him completely and he already does so much of the day-to-day work. And, my dear,’ he leans over and pats Mutti’s hand, ‘I was thinking that perhaps we should take a place in the country? To escape to for the odd weekend. We can bring friends and entertain there. What do you say? To make up for staying on here.’
I see a pretty country house, smoke curling from the chimneys, a big garden, perhaps some chickens and a horse or two. Will he take Hilda Müller and his other children there? His two families, alternating weekends.
My stomach contracts and vomit rises, stinging my throat but I force it down.
‘Vera? Is that you?’ Mutti calls as footsteps sound in the hall.
‘Yes, Frau Heinrich?’ Vera appears in the doorway in her coat. ‘I forgot to pick up the washing earlier.’
�
��Ah good, I have some letters for you to post,’ Mutti says, leaving the room to fetch them.
‘So, what do you think, Herta, eh? Your father, climbing to the very top of the ladder?’
‘Perhaps,’ I say before I have time to really think through what I’m saying, ‘in such a position you will think hard about some of the policies against the Jews.’
His chair creaks as he leans towards me, eyes instantly as frozen and hard as glass.
‘Don’t you ever say such a thing again,’ he says, his voice gritty. ‘I will never forget what you have done, girl, how you blackmailed me. The more I think about it…’ He presses his mouth together, fists clenched. ‘Were it ever to get out, it would jeopardise everything. The stakes are higher than ever.’ He opens his mouth to say more, but Mutti is back in the room. He shuts it and sits back. He doesn’t look at me again.
And all I feel is the quickening thud, thud, thud, of my heart.
*
The following afternoon, at 3 p.m. exactly, Tomas knocks for me. Ingrid smirks as Kuschi and I leave the house. She doesn’t need to say a word; the look on her face is clear enough. In only a few days she leaves for her Lebensborn home, to become impregnated with the seed of a perfect SS officer specimen. Ergo, she is superior in every way to me. I cannot wait for her, and all that she knows of me, to be gone. I pray that she chooses never to come back.
Rosental park is deserted as Tomas and I walk side by side, Kuschi sniffing along eagerly out in front. A brief flurry of snow falls but fails to settle on the sodden ground.
‘Damned cold,’ Tomas comments, screwing up his face, digging his chin deeper into his turned-up collar. His breath momentarily steams up his glasses. ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s January, Tomas, what did you expect?’
He shrugs. ‘Just not very pleasant, that’s all.’
‘I don’t mind.’
He looks at me and his face brightens.
‘Did you like my letter? Thought writing might get your attention. I know you like that stuff.’
‘Yes, but Tomas, you don’t have to write.’
‘And you’ll come to the dance?’
‘Yes, but—’
‘See, Hetty, I was so nervous. Actually, writing was easier.’
‘You don’t need to be nervous, Tomas, we’ve known each other forever.’
‘But not in that way. And see, the person I used to be, you know, when I was a kid? Well, I’m not like that anymore but I’m worried that’s how you see me, still, like that useless little kid.’ He picks up his walking pace, in time with his speech, which gets faster and faster.
‘But I never thought you were a useless little kid!’
‘Oh, but I was. I was pathetic. I got beaten up all the time. But now I’m the one doing the beating. I’m strong, see, and when this stupid apprenticeship comes to an end I’m joining the Heer and then you’ll see, Hetty, you’ll see what I am. What I’m capable of. I’ve got ambition, and I can’t wait to join the fight.’
‘Tomas, stop, please. You’ve nothing to prove to me – especially after, well, you know, that awful business with Walter.’
He’s striding out in front now and I’m not sure he’s heard. I’d been carefully planning what to say, so he isn’t under any false hope, but he’s hardly even looking at me, let alone listening.
‘I know I’m not the right sort, not yet. But I promise you, I will be. I never dreamed… but you know, miracles can happen, right? I mean, there’s plenty of examples, aren’t there? And I know I’m better than the shit-brained idiots I have to put up with at the factory. I’m so much better than them all put together! Seriously, you’d be shocked, Hetty, at their conversations. The jokes – they tell the most dreadful jokes of poor taste and some are about the Führer. They don’t do it in front of me anymore, not since I shopped that pig, Bruno, to the authorities for his loose talk, but I know they do it. The dumb idiots.’
He stops to take a breath, his chest heaving.
‘Tomas, it’s okay, I know you aren’t like them. You’ve nothing to prove to me.’
He shakes his head.
‘You’re kind to say that, but you’re a sweet thing. I have to show you.’
‘You don’t need to prove anything because we’re friends, Tomas,’ I say quickly. ‘I mean, you don’t feel like that with Erna or other people, so you shouldn’t with me either.’
Finally, he stops and looks at me, properly, through those grubby glasses. His breathing calms and he nods, arms clamped to his sides, his body stiff.
‘Yes, Hetty. Yes, I see. Sent from above,’ he murmurs. ‘Not that I believe in that stuff, but… How’s your mother?’
‘Um, she’s fine.’
Did he even get the message?
‘Good. Good, that’s good.’ He checks his watch. ‘I know they don’t want you out too long, shall we turn around?’
We have reached the far end of the wide expanse of grass. The dark woods are ahead of us, and dusk hovers. I shudder involuntarily.
‘Yes, perhaps you’ll come in for a hot drink?’
He nods, looking pleased.
‘Kuschi, we’re leaving,’ I call.
There is no response, so we stand and wait, peering between the slim, naked trunks.
‘Kuschi!’ I call again, louder this time.
Finally, his black shaggy shape appears hurtling through the trees, ears flattened, tail streaming out behind, as though he is being pursued by the devil.
It doesn’t get any easier, my love, you not being here, and I wonder if it ever will. That day, 15 March, the day you are to marry, approaches ever closer. I wish you had never told me when it is to be. I read your letter over and over, I know it by heart! Sometimes my resolve weakens and I pick up pen and paper to write to you. But if I start, I’ll never stop. I must stay strong, so this journal is my outlet. I know you have been in touch with Erna. She told me you’re worried about me and how you think of me all the time. That you just want to know I’m okay. I’ve urged her to tell you I’m fine, just getting on with life, but I suspect you won’t believe it. Erna’s father met with an English Kindertransport volunteer who came here but they were inundated with requests from desperate parents and he didn’t manage to secure passage this time. Oh, I feel so useless and tired. How I would love to turn back time and be in your arms. I picture us walking by the river, you and me, with Kuschi happily bounding beside us. I imagine what you would say to me. You’d say: Hetty, together we can do anything. But it isn’t like that is it? You exist only in my mind; a hazy memory.
4 February 1939
The party is in full swing when Tomas and I arrive. Two large Hitlerjugend boys on the door check our names off the list and let us in.
We push our way through the smoke-filled room towards the bar. The smell of cigarette smoke is almost unbearable and I feel a rush of nausea. I spot Erna standing amongst a gaggle of BDM girls. She waves and we weave towards her. Tomas buys us a sherry each. I take a large gulp, hoping its sweet, medicinal taste will help bury the sickness. All around us, heads turn to look. Their eyes flicker over me and, as usual, come to rest on Erna – the beautiful objet d’art.
No wonder Karl fell so heavily for her. Poor, darling Karl.
Erna is impervious to the staring eyes. We stand and watch the dancers who are careful to move correctly. No daring American moves under the critical eyes of several Gestapo officers who hover around. I drain my glass and am left with a warm and slightly fuzzy feeling. I feel a little better. Tomas smiles at me from where he stands, a little distance away, talking to a boy in the field-grey uniform of the Heer, army cap at a rakish angle.
‘Would you like another?’ he mouths.
‘Yes please,’ I mouth back.
Tomas and the boy come over with the drinks and join Erna and me. The band strikes up a new tune. The dance floor is filling up.
‘Dance with me,’ Tomas says and holds out a hand.
He slips his arm around my waist and leads me a
round the dance floor, weaving in and out of the other couples. Our step is out of time and I keep bumping against him. Different to Walter whose body and step fitted so neatly with mine. I glimpse Erna over Tomas’s shoulder, her mouth close to the ear of the good-looking Heer boy, capless now, his blond hair tousled. I sense Tomas looking down at me, willing me to look into his face, but I can’t. I won’t.
I begin to feel dizzy. The drink, the smoky atmosphere; all these sweaty bodies pressing in. The band, the chatter and laughter. Suddenly it’s all too loud.
‘I need some air,’ I whisper to Tomas, leaning against him, fearing I might faint.
‘Of course. Let’s go outside.’ He grips me around the waist, drawing my arm around his, and leads me to the door. The fresh air hits me in the face, instantly reviving. We move away from canoodling couples clustered around the entrance and rest our backs against the wall. I take several deep breaths and my head begins to clear.
‘Thank you,’ I say and smile at Tomas.
‘C’mon,’ he says, ‘let’s find somewhere quieter still. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?’ He looks at me intently.
I nod, glad to be in the clear air, glad not to be feeling ill. He leads me by the hand into a little park across the road from the bar and we sit on a bench between two trees. It’s peaceful and dark away from the street lamps and the noise of the bar.
In one swift movement, Tomas swings round and pushes me against the arm of the bench. He dives onto me and his tongue, rough and probing, forces its way deep into my mouth. He stinks of beer and cigarettes. His body is heavy and solid on top of me, the arm of the bench digging hard into my back. I’m paralysed with shock. This is nothing like Walter’s soft, light touch. Tomas is brittle and unyielding. I can feel a hard bulge swell in his trousers and he begins to grind his crotch against my thigh.
I want him off me. I’m suffocating and struggle against him for air, but he resists and presses harder. He slips his hand inside my dress and grasps my breast, pushing my legs apart with his. Panic rises and I try to push his tongue from my mouth, twist my face away. My arms are pinned down. He’s hurting my breast and I try to resist the weight of him parting my legs, but he’s too strong. He pushes up my dress and claws a hand up my thigh. No, no, no. Please don’t do this. I struggle harder, against the solid roughness of him. He’s tugging on my underwear, fumbling, pulling at it, scratching me in his desperation to get it down.